The Search

One would think, ne, even assume, that in an abode that houses 4 girls, that a person could easily and readily lay hands on a PONY TAIL HOLDER!!!

But noooooooo. Not in this house. Not this person. Last night as I was quickly trying to sweep my 4 inches of overgrown gray and 4 inches of split fried ends into some semblance of a festive coife, I found myself in need of two pony tail holders.

I began my unhurried search in the bathroom drawers where such items are kept. NONE! Moving on, I searched all the girls dresser tops and ledges next to their beds. (This is a no brainer...they all take out their bands at night) NONE!
Next I moved on to the couch cushions. Everything gets dropped down there, and I have found several there in the past whilst cleaning. EMPTY! At this point I was getting a wee tad frantic, as my ride was coming shortly. I was also beginning to feel just the very tiniest bit of panic sweating beginning......not good with my freshly made-up mug! I rifled through back packs, old purses, junk drawers, and jewelry boxes! ZILCH, NOTHING...NADA! I began to miss the days of barbies and barbie cases, (whose very existence I cursed while that phase was here, and celebrated grandly when the last blond diva with too tiny shoes was gone)Barbies always had extra pony tail holders in their hair or being used to festoon their long ball gowns into skimpy club attire.

You know how it is when you can't find something that you want. How somewhere during the hunt it suddenly becomes a life necessity right up there with food, water and shelter? This is where my need for the afore mentioned hair ties had transitioned.

In a last ditch effort before I moved on to plan B, which may have included kitchen shears and a bowl, I went into the lone boys room. I dumped out his ginormous bucket of trains....and frantically sifted through the rubble.

In a house with 4 teenage girls, I find it curious that the place I scavenged up not one, but TWO pony tail holders, was the 7 year old boys room. The seven year old boy with a BUZZ CUT no less! You see, this estrogen overpowered kid is the McGyver of trains. While trying to load logs and steal on flat beds, he was having difficulty keeping his stacked product on the cars. He needed "ratcheted tie downs." to hold his loads. His mother told him they didn't make them for wooden toy trains, and he would have to just put fewer logs (crayons) on so that they would stay. NOPE! I remember the day he took me by the hand to show me his solution. "See those loads mom?" he said. "Ponytailers work just like bungees...now I'm all set to go eastbound to Chicago."

And now I'm all set to step out for the night.

The concert

I have been looking forward to this concert for weeks. It has become a tradition in our family, as we have choralaries in our midst. This season kick off concert is comprised of The Band, The Orchestra, and the all of The Choirs. Mingled together with ensembles, trios, duets and solos, the evening NEVER FAILS to set the mood for Christmas week for me.

This year the evening opened with an orchestra medley of sacred caroles. I was over the edge with "O Come, O Come Emmanuel". I was able to regain a modicum of composure for the next three or four numbers, but alas...The Drumline. Caught me totally by surprise. The auditorium was surrounded by 20 or so percussionists, snares, basses, xylaphones, and a myriad of others I can't name. The hair on my arms (and yes I admit, my legs as well) was standing on end. It was absolutely incredible, and I was an emotional mess. Savannah, sitting next to me, texted me, and called a DQ while she was laughing. My dad sitting on the end of the row had his hankie out. I'm afraid I may need to start bringing my own to such events.

Pushing me over the edge was Fiona's solo. She came out on the main floor, center, with a 40's style mic in front of her, and slowly and confidently began singing The Christmas Song. It was over the top. I have heard her sing often (duh, as we live in the same house) but this was amazing, and more chilling than the drum line....when she sang the last line ...merry Christmas tooo youu...she was looking right at me. I don't know if it was intentional, but it effectively pushed me over the edge. I am so incredibly proud of her. She has an amazing voice, effortless for her to sing anything.

The concert finished, and after coming home and winding down, I laid in bed thinking about how I have gotten caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season, and have not taken much time to slow down and just live and soak in the season. To be the season to the people around me.

Today I'm in. There is a huge blizzard, a snow day.....and the weekend and week ahead stretches before me with lots of time available to remember why we celebrate this time of year.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel....and Merry Christmas too you!

Cookie Baking

To fully capture this event, I would need some kind of podcast...because much of the atmosphere was created with sound...or din, whatever it is that includes talking over top of each other, singing together and outsinging each other....and laughing, at and with....the perfect combination. The slotted event was cookie making....with friends and food...and way too much estrogen for some people! ( I think this may be why Noah has taken to wearing his Comander Cody costume 24/7). The finished products were works of art, even with the vomit colored icing for the ginger cookies!


While nibbling on the finished products, and yes I said "products" plural, I discovered that all in all, the day was good. There was a moment or two though, I must admit, where I was standing there in the kitchen thinking....in the middle of all that life is right now, how is it that we can still find joy, that we can still laugh, that friendships can remain, when everything else leaves? I don't know how, and maybe I never will, but I am enormously thankful, because without the joy, there would be no hope, without the laughter there would be nothing but tears (or yelling and screaming), and without great friendships, life would be empty.

From Fat Albert, and JIm...to the dwarves cottage

To fully understand the magnitude of the tree debacle, it is necessary to post a shot of last years tree, affectionately known to us as "Fat Albert." We are big tree folk. Actually this final product of FA is a much trimmer version, produced after much pruning and trimming to get him into the corner and to keep the boughs a safe(ish) distance from the dangerously drying flames of the gas log. Anyhoo...as my earlier post stated, we had quite a day procuring this lovely tree, seen below being shortened up a bit, as we had overestimated the height and were about 2 feet too tall for our room. Fiona, the master of the saw, buzzed almost effortlessly through the trunk, cutting 21 inches off. Anyway....after getting him (Jim Murchie) down to a manageable height, Olivia and I hauled him into the house to his place of honor.

While Olivia was single-mindedly fastening the "Best Christmas Tree Stand Ever" to Jim's trunk, the rest of us waited expectantly for Jim to rise to his place of honor....wringing our hands wondering how much additional trimming would need to be done to nestle him into his spot.....

We took a quick break to enjoy a few snacks...we were all tired from the whole ordeal of sawing and stand positioning....and of course the hunger that mounts from all that gleeful anticipation....

.....and then....this! Imagine our surprise...and yes, I will admit, great disappointment when we realized that instead of a behemoth, we had misnamed our poor tree. In fact, our tree would be a perfect little addition to the seven dwarfs cottage. It looks like our tree from last year went to the Bariatric Center and joined the Y! And also had a vertebrae or two taken out....he has been renamed...Matt Roloff! It's so short we even had room on top this year for Santa...(a battle I lost..along with colored lights). The silver lining here is, we can sit in the chair and not get sap on our arms while watching Christmas movies! Joyeux Noel!

O''Tannenbaum

Today we set out on our yearly quest for the family tree. This year it was just Fiona, Elsa and I. It was bitter cold here today...snowy and beautiful...but BITTER COLD!

Usually we cut our tree on a huge 900 acre farm.

This year, we drove by a lot near my parents house that had some lovely trees. And by lovely, I mean, it would be lovely to not trek out in the BITTER COLD to hunt for a tree. We just popped out of the car, the men working the lot pulled the trees off of the ropes, stamped the snow off of them, and we mulled and pondered. It took about 10 minutes. Not including the time it took for the K of C guys to tie the bad boy to the roof of our car. (And I use the word "tie" loosely")

On the way home, Fiona's job was to "watch the tree". While I looked in the rear view mirror and watched cars swerve off the road anticipating my tree torpedoing thru their windshields. The thing seemed to have ADHD up there. It rolled to the left, right, front, back...you name it....but it stayed on.

Once home, I came in and laid down on the couch and promptly fell asleep. (what can I say except that the drive was harrowing) Eventually though, I ventured out to unlash it. After cutting the twine, I turned the stump end so that I could slide the bad boy over the edge of the van.....BIG MISTAKE...HUGE! I was nearly gored as the beast slid of its own volition off the roof of my van.

After all of that...I was unable to drag Jim, (that's what I have named the tree, Jim Murchie, after a behemoth of a man whom the tree looks amazingly like) into the house. He's well over 8 ft...actually more like 10...funny how they look so short and trim in the out of doors, and soooo much larger in the confines or your garage or home! (not Jim the man, but Jim the tree) Anyhooo....stay tuned...tomorrow will see Jim snugly in his spot of honor by the fireplace...decorated and twinkling Christmas cheer into our home...I cannot wait!

Over thinking, over feeling...and other musings

Emotionally, I am all over the map today. I got up early and said good-bye to the person I never want to say good-bye too, and as he drove out of the driveway, I turned around and ran back to bed. To avoid breaking down, to avoid feeling what i didn't want to feel right then. Fortunately, he called me at 9:45 and woke me up again so I could jump out of bed and get ready to go to church.(He just didn't know he was waking me up!)

On the way I started to think about all that has changed over the last few years. The friends that have come and gone...the mountain tops and the valleys that have been climbed and crossed. Walking in alone, I started to feel incredibly sad. For a number of reasons, my kids hate coming to this place that they once loved being a part of. They are now more inclined to worship across town with their dad and his brother and their cousins. (Not really sure how I feel about that...well, actually I do know, I'm just being respectful and not saying) For reasons of my own making, I am not feeling as connected with the people here in this place these days either, and that made me sad. I chose to sit alone, not for lack of acquaintances or a couple of friends, but I just didn't have it in me this morning to put on a face. I sat and as the music began, I could not stop crying...I couldn't sing....I just sat and prayed....for my kids, myself, for all of those I wished were still there and aren't and for my heart....which somehow has become a little hard and brackish.

Throughout the service and the rest of the day, I have been seeking clarity in my vision, in my purpose. Somehow I find myself in a place where I don't even recognize who I am anymore. In some ways I have drifted so far from who I was and who I want to be that I wonder if I will ever get back to her. Maybe getting back to her isn't what God wants for me either. Maybe, possibly, if I am willing to put myself back into His hands, maybe He will help me to be something better, or at the very least different in a good way. Because after talking to a friend today, we both agreed, we have to be forward thinking....even if looking back makes us smile. Those days, and the people we were, the person I was, are long gone now.

At the end of today, the thing I have come to as being the most pertinent is this.....I don't want to continue along the path that I am currently on. I want to be more like who I was, only better, wiser for where I have been in the meantime......and for tonight I still need to weep....because the journey to that person seems incredibly difficult.

Sometimes I pretend

Things happen for a reason. You just need to "find your place with it and figure our where to file it." Words I have heard often, (and often laugh about) from a dear friend.

I'm not sure I believe the first part....sometimes I think stuff just happens. Not exactly randomly, but just....cause/effect...handwriting on the wall....or just plain HAPPENS. Sometimes it is in our grasp to understand, sometimes not. Sometimes and some things I don't always want to "find my place with" let alone "figure out how or where to file it." Sometimes I want to pretend that life is perfect and there just isn't any "stuff."

Tonight I'm pretending lots of things. Like for instance, that there are not 5 loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I'm pretending that Alice just ran to the market and will be home soon to fold it all. I'm pretending that the person I love most will be here soon, (like tonight soon, not next week soon) and we will have homemade chicken soup and crusty rolls together. I'm pretending that my BFF is just down the road and that if I need her or if she needs me, that either one of us can be fully present together in under 2 minutes! I'm pretending that I don't have kids at a movie theatre and that I will not have to leave my house and go out into the rain and cold in 2 hours to pick them up. (on that one I'm actually pretending that they are still too young to be dropped off to see a movie alone with 3 friends...and BOYS!)

Tonight I'm pretending and not "filing" or "finding my place."

Tonight I'm just trying to get through it.

175th Anniversary

Yesterday was the 175th anniversary of the church that I grew up in. This was a big deal, especially for my parents, who are Presbyterians of a sort that are not often seen. Fully dedicated to the local church....fully and completely sold out to Jesus example of being servants.

Over the years, I have been known to scoff at my Presbyterian heritage....my "religious" and "spiritual" training was dubious at best. I of course, in hindsight, take much of the responsibility for being, at the time, somewhat unteachable...if not out and out belligerently opposed to all manner of instruction. Yesterday, sitting in the place where I spent every Sunday from the time I was in 2nd grade until I graduated, I realized that there were some foundational things that actually did permeate into my heart, mind, and soul...way back then.

Sitting in the padded pews before the service started, I spent some time just looking...taking in the visuals. Stained glass windows of a sort that I am certain are no longer produced, with sunlight streaming in, creating the warm lighting that welcomes all who are illuminated by it. Tipping my head back, I marveled at the ornate painting which outlined the coved ceiling, it is bordered by slightly ornate wood, not exactly baroque, yet not gothic either. It was all warm and familiar, and as the new reverend began to talk to all who were gathered there, many like myself, not "regular attenders" any longer, he asked us to take a moment to reflect on the memories we had of this place.

At this point I was nothing, if not slightly uncomfortable, realizing that many of my fond memories, if brought fully into the light, might bring down lightening and fire from on high. I was thinking to myself, "if he only knew", and then felt a head turn and look back to my right...when I looked over, my eyes, and memories were locked in sync with someone who, all those years ago, was very much a central figure in those memories, and somehow knowing I wasn't alone in my reverie (however irreverent) made me smile. Broadly.

Not at the memories, or even the shared connection, but mostly for how God has chosen to work in my heart despite my choices. I smiled then and even now, in gratitude to my parents for the experience of it all.....if it were not for that, I don't believe that I would have ever known Jesus when I finally was able to hear him and see him in others.

I had forgotten what a pipe organ sounds like, fully throttled up, and being played heartily. I had forgotten what it sounds like when 300+ voices sing the doxology and the gloria. I had forgotten that I knew "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing", or that in the last verse there is a key change and a big ending. I forgot what it sounded like to hear 70 something sopranos singing the descant parts. (who am I kidding, I forgot what 70 somethings sound like singing period.) I had forgotten too, what it felt like to be sitting in a pew with my parents and family, feeling the pew shake when things start getting "dusty" for my dad, and how he looks when he presses his neatly folded hankie to his eyes in hopes that no one notices his emotions!

I sat there hoping no one noticed mine.

SHADY

Noah: Mom, what does "shady" mean?

Me: What do you think it means buddy?

Noah: Dad says you're shady....because you don't do things that you should. I know what that means. You stay in bed and don't fix your small children breakfast.

Me: ahhahahahahahha....well, that's not exactly shady, just lazy...and I'm trying to teach you patience and responsibility. AHAHAHHAHHAHAH.

Noah: Dad said you're shady because you laugh at God. But I told him you laugh at everybody.

Me: That's true, I do laugh alot...but not at people.....and definitely not at God. I prefer to think of all the stuff I laugh about as laughing with people...even God I think. What do you think?

Noah: Well, you're still in bed...and I'm not laughing....and I'm hungry...so I just think you're being shady again!

Me: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Dreamers

Dreamers. There are two types I think.

There are those people who dream about goals and achievements. These can be financial goals, physical goals, career goals, status goals. Mostly these goals and dreams are in some way physically tangible. There can be a sense of checking off the list and moving on to the next one.

Then there are those people whose dreams are based more relationally. I have heard these people described as "Utopian" thinkers and dreamers. These people do not have goals so much as visions of how things, mostly relationships, will be or could/should look. They don't have to be personal relationships, but lots of times about how people engage with one another and live in community together. They can be personal too. These dreamers cannot usually check things off a list.

I have great admiration and respect for the first group of dreamers. I love the idea of attaining something that I have worked hard for....or finishing something that I have started. For the most part, I never have. (That's a thought for a different day)

I fall into the second category. Recently, I believe a dear friend kindly referred to my thinking and dreaming as delusional. Oddly, I wasn't offended. The friend was right. Lots of the delusional dreams that I have in respect to relationships, both personal and on larger scale, will never play out the way I see them in my head and feel them in my heart. This, I have come to realize, is because Utopian dreams, as they relate to people, take far more effort emotionally than lots of people are willing to invest. They also require mammoth proportions of blind faith and gut instinct, and in today's world, most of us need tangible evidence and guarantees and mapped out plans, before we hang ourselves out there emotionally or personally.

I'm not sure why I feel like I need to write about this today....I am not making a comparison between the two types of dreamers as a judgement in any way. It is just a reminder for me I suppose, that while the kinds of dreams that I can push for and believe in, are not always going to play out neatly. The kinds of delusional dreams I have going on depend in large part on others with similar delusions buying in....and risking.

I guess I am comparing the two in some way. Because I am also sitting here wishing I had a list today with some things I could check off, or write off...and try as I might...I can't conjure one up. Well, that's not totally true either...I can conjure it...(with a little eye of newt, and old hag's cackle) but I can't check the things (or people) off.

Here in the aftermath....

There are not many days in this life when we are allowed the privilege to experience (whether we want to or not), every emotion, flashback memory, or glimpse into the future that our limited human forms are capable of experiencing.

Move in day for your first child in college is one of those days.

Today was my day to experience it. Actually not just mine, it was our whole family's day to experience. All of us. Seven. Even though we don't live as a family of seven now, for this brief time, there was respite from the drama that divorce and all of its ugliness brings, and we moved Princess into college together. I say together, but actually, Noah and Elsa said their good-byes yesterday...so today it was just Princess (Thing one), Fiona, Olivia and Mark and I. Plus two car loads of "stuff", college necessities and the like. Of course it was us and about 500 other students and parents with dollies and flatbeds and futons and mini-fridges and long lines and one incredibly slow moving elevator!
But that's a side issue.

What I feel compelled to say now is how it felt. How surreal it all seemed to me, and I think to everyone else too. It started last night for me when her two best friends came home from their respective colleges for the weekend and spent the night here playing board games, laughing too loud and talking about incredibly inappropriate things. I wanted so badly to sit at the table and counter with them...to laugh and feed them...but every time I tried to come downstairs I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't hold it back, and since they are ruthless, I was certain I would be harassed mercilessly by them. (They have learned the fine art of that from me, hence my certainty). So instead I laid in bed listening, laughing, and crying....and remembering lots of other nights like it. Then this morning we were up and showering and everything was in the living room....I felt like I should be making a big breakfast, some kind of grand gesture send off...but I also felt totally paralyzed to mark this as an occasion. (Some might call this DENIAL). Instead we waited for Mark to arrive to pick up some of the gear, and we loaded up the cars and drove south. I rode with Princess. Even the task of driving seemed daunting to me. I just wanted to soak up the journey. I wanted to have a meaningful conversation, to say things that she would remember and cherish. I wanted to tell her how proud I am of her and how much I love her. How excited I am for her, and how much I will miss her.

I didn't. Every time I started to formulate the words, they just stuck. In my throat and in my mind. I need more time. That was something I kept thinking today. I need more time to teach her, to help her, to invest in her. But the time is up. The hourglass is empty on that one.

I am left to wonder if I said enough. If I taught her the right things. If she will make good choices because she will remember how to evaluate situations. I wonder if she will remember Who loves her more than we do, and that He is with her always. I wonder if she will miss life here, even though she will be loving the life of freedom somewhere else. (And even if she does, I pray she won't want to move back).

The actual leaving was difficult. She told us we could go..that she would be ok to finish up....and then we each had to say good bye. Each of us had to hug her, and one by one we all crumbled. The four of us leaving and walking away, even though every step seemed wrong...Olivia described it best. She said " I feel like we just left a puppy in a box by the side of the road and drove off." At our cars, Mark reminded me that this is what we have been working for from the time she was born. That we have prepared her the best that we can....and that this is how it is supposed to be....even though it doesn't feel like it. (This is hard for me to admit, but I know he is right!) lol.....

Sitting here tonight with Fiona and Olivia...and the letters that princess left for each one of us on our beds....well, its hard. Really hard. Now is the time I truly have to let her go, to trust that He is there with her, and also here with us. Here in the aftermath of college move in day.

From the trail

So I found myself again on the trail today..taking a much needed walk to just be still and listen. To be away from the things pressing in and the endless list of things to do was a welcome respite. In the quiet I realized a few things, in no particular order.

l. Lots of people don't pick up their dog poop...and I would like to rub their noses in it.
2. Just when we think we are alone, God sends the perfect friend to do another 3 miles.
3. Old people still fall in love.
4. Some people think smoking weed and riding their bike is excercise.
5. God is always there, but sometimes I get soo busy, I don't listen or talk to Him.
6. If your toe feels like its being rubbed raw in your shoe...IT IS!
7. When things are quiet in the woods, a woodpecker can sound like a damn serial killer!
8. I don't get out into nature enough!
9. Time alone to think and pray and listen and just be, is probably one of the most important things ever.
10. It would be nice to walk the trail with the person I love.

Vacation Letdown

I am feeling a wee bit blue tonight. After the BFF asked, I realized that much of my emotion is post awesome vacation let down. Then I realized that I hadn't really relived the vacation like I normally do. Perusing pics, laughing at the days events, feeling it all over again. Isn't that what great vacations make you do...want to re-live them...and possibly not ever leave them?

Looking through the pics I laughed hard at the memory of Noah mouwing through the salt and vinegar chips while his sisters slept unaware. (I didn't realized that my headphones could double as a "headgear" in the event he ever needs one). Elsa spent much of the week practicing the fine art of barrel walking....and Olivia practiced being a constant 'big foot" sighting in every ones pics!
One of the highlights of the week for my kids at least, was the rock jumping. They had no fear..which is scary...and I was lucky enough to get a shot of the oldest and youngest jumpers of the day launching off together! (Kevin and 5 year old Noah). We did all kinds of new stuff for Michigan folk...river swimming, trail hiking, train track walking...complete with killer bee swarm and sting fest for Noah and I....but I got a great shot of the tracks...that's what counts! It was so fun and relaxing just to hang out at Kevin's with the kids, talking and playing in the yard and jumping bikes in the driveway. I was fortunate to capture a rare photo of Captain Underpants as well...oddly, he looks strangely like Kevin's son Sean! It was a great week that flew by all too fast. I wish we were all cramming into a living room tonight to watch a great movie together with brownies and ice cream and ALL the toppings! Now that I really think about it, my BFF was totally right. I am feeling a lot of vacation let down....mixed with a little bit of wishful thinking about life being very different....and filled with lots more pictures like the one below!

SERVICE ENGINE SOON

SERVICE ENGINE SOON----now there are three words you don't want showing up on your dash on the tail end of a week-long family vacation! But alas, yesterday, they did show up on mine...along with a revving noise and temperature gauge rising fast, in the middle of BFE Ohio, Beaverdam to be exact. Nothing there except a couple of truck stops and a whole lot of corn!

The kids and I coasted into the T/A Truck Stop( and honestly, T/A? could they not think of something a little less idk, suggestive?)...popped the hood, and then I proceeded to check dipsticks and fluid levels, trying to ascertain what exactly was up. A cursory inspection turned up nothing suspicious....at least to my untrained eye...(seriously, what the heck did I think I was gonna do if I actually did find something wrong...I certainly couldn't drop down and "weld" anything). While talking on the phone to my personal "car expert", a behemoth of a truck driver ambled up and stood quietly by until he could offer his services. Turns out he noticed my Michigan sweatshirt and actually lives only about 15 miles from me...he diagnosed some transmission issues with a quick look at the fluid color...(brown when it should be bright red), and found me a service station on his GPS. All the while, we talked about his truck driving career...which he started 5 years ago after a young woman broke his giant heart. He thought, wrongly, that driving a truck would help him forget how much he loved this woman. He didn't plan for the endless hours alone to think and rethink every aspect of the relationship, and the lonely days with little or no companionship at all. I didn't have much to say about all of that....except that you can't run from how you feel, and even when you want to change it, sometimes you can't.

Then I was off to the service garage...which didn't service anything but "big rigs". I thought my full mini-van should qualify...but nnooooo! The mammoth bald, tattooed skin head behind the counter did offer to call a couple of locals for me. Both of them were "just on their way to Sunday night church, but they would be glad to stop out in a couple of hours, after prayer meeting." The guy behind the counter snorted and kinda scoffed at that. He mused a little under his breath something about that being the thing about "those christian religious people" that didn't seem quite right. To his way of thinkin, helping someone with a need was what "those people" were "supposed" to do, isn't it? I treated the question as rhetorical.....but shoved off on my way, since apparently Jesus wasn't gonna drop by and turn my brown transmission fluid into wine anytime soon.

I made it home. But on the way, I thought alot about those two conversations. The first man was trucking because he was running from the pain someone else had inflicted, and he ended up more lonely than before, because he finds himself totally isolated and alone. The other guy doesn't claim to be a "religious" person, but seemed to understand what Jesus was about more than the folks on their way to Sunday night service. It made me think again about how He created us to be really....in relationship with Him and other people...to help other people along their journey when they need it...to just plain journey together with other people, some that we are closely intimate with and some who may just cross our paths occasionally. I found myself hoping and praying for more opportunities to just share life, and for the ability to discern the difference between "Sunday night church" activities and living the life He wants for me. The whole thing has made me think about how much my own engine needs servicing.....personally speaking.....all in all, my little car trouble is turning out to be a good thing for my heart....which has started to need some overhauling these days too!

Trust...Confidence..and Assurance

Trust.

Implies instinctive unquestioning belief in and reliance upon something.

Confidence.

Implies conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, or past experience.

Assurance.

Implies absolute confidence and certainty.

Curious how these three words are intertwined...and in many ways build upon each other or reinforce each other...either in a positive way, or when they are lacking, negatively.

I wonder sometimes if life and its circumstances lump events together to test our beliefs or abilities to hold fast to mindsets or convictions, or if these things happen in clumps just randomly and without purpose. Possibly, it is that when I am evaluating or questioning my own judgement that everything seems to fall under the same umbrella of stupidity.

Being naturally wired to trust without question, to rely on people, things or circumstances with confidence, assurity.....I often find myself in the middle of the negative repercussions that happen when those things are ill placed or ill deserved.

I am finding more and more that I am viewing people and situations with a little more cynicism, skepticism and lack of faith. Questioning my own instincts is becoming second nature to me....and to be completely honest....I CANNOT STAND ANY OF IT!

I long to be able to trust people and situations to do and say what they say they are doing or will do. I long to be able to believe in and rely on guidelines and protocols to protect and provide in the ways that they should. I long for the day when doubt and uncertainty do not enter my mind.

And I am reminded that my only certainty is in the One who created me. My assurance comes only from Him and rests in Him. In this world, there will be uncertainty, that people and things and systems will falter and do not deserve my unwavering trust.

....still....I hope and long for utopia...at least my utopia!

Unexpected grace

There are sometimes moments, or pauses in the everydayness of life, when I am confronted with a memory or an emotion that I didn't realized I had or felt. Which kinda doesn't make sense...but last night/today I was awash with just such a moment.

After a harrowing few days of worry, driving, praying and hospital sitting....I found myself home at last with my oldest daughter....healing from an abscess on her tonsil which landed her in the hospital for a couple of days. Driving to the drug store to pick up her prescriptions, I was blindsided by a song, which for some reason unleashed the floodgates of all the emotions that I had desperately been trying to stuff inside for the last few days.

More than the release of tension from this event came out though. I found myself thinking of her, my oldest, and how blessed I am to have her...(and the other 4 as well). I remembered vividly a time before she was born, when I believed that I would likely never have children. Because of a series of bad choices I made when I was younger (understatement), I had come to believe that God's consequence for my actions would certainly be to withhold a family from me. I believed this, and actually had accepted it without anger or bitterness....I believed, like many others sometimes do, that I would get what I deserved.

Then I found myself pregnant with Savannah....during the whole thing, I waited for something to happen. Something bad. And it never did. During my pregnancy...one day alone in our apartment, I was reading about God and his forgiveness, grace...and a quote from a teacher about His grace being a free gift that we don't deserve or ask for...unmerited favor! In that moment I knew that I wanted this grace...I wanted to believe in it, to believe that God wanted me to have it....from Him...a gift. I knew in that moment Who I would follow my whole life....and that He had already extended His grace, in the child that He had created inside of me. That was my first glimpse of His grace....and today....in the car the choices that I had made so long ago came flooding back over me....along with the very real knowledge that He had extended grace despite them. I don't often look back with regret or remorse....but today I experienced sorrow and a sense of loss for a child that I never had....and huge joy, to be here in this moment with the 5 that came later.

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the busyness of life and single parenting.....and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and just straight up hard work of it! Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the everydayness of life and I forget Who is guiding mine. Fortunately on days like today, He gently reminds me exactly how much He has loved me, and how much He always will. He reminds me of how huge and endless His grace is.....and that He extends it freely....especially when we don't deserve it!

Summer

Some things about the last few weeks keep replaying in my head. Good stuff, fun nights and afternoons with friends. The kind of times that cannot be recaptured, or redone, no matter how hard we may try...some things just happen...when you spend time with people that you love unconditionally and completely. Take for instance this moment below. These two women are dear friends to me....and one of them just HAD to get a recipe written down....evidently before the other one was too confused to remember it!

This moment at the beach....actually the whole day....top down on the jeep...boys bitching in the back seat....and then these two chums rolling and playing in the sand and the inland cess pool....completely oblivious to two facts...l. They were rolling in warm pee water. 2. That this day and their summer days together were quickly coming to a close!

...we knew it was ending soon....and photo ops like this would soon be gone!

This is by far my funniest and dearest memory. My BFF crying and sitting on my counter...always one to look for a silver lining....she dug deep this night and BELTED OUT the eternal cheer booster.....THE SUN'LL COME OUT...TOMORROW...BET UR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW.....THEY'LL BE SUN! ahhahahahahhahaahahha

I have always know that my BFF can't really sing....but on this night, with the tears and the Mikes Hard Lemonade.....it was never more glaring....or endearing! I love this woman. I miss this woman....she is amazing and courageous, and KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN! But now she's gone, back to the dirty south.....and I am sitting here incredibly thankful for the fun weeks of summer that we just lived to the fullest!

Impulsive

Sometimes I act impulsively. It's an undesirable personality trait...and sometimes when I do something...I don't really think through all the ramifications of the action or act.

In the aftermath of just such an action...I wish more than anything that I could just turn back time a wee bit...just a smidge...

But instead I am left now reacting....and going to the beach to try and sort it all out in my head! Nothing like a good sunburn and a day splashing in the water to block out impulsive actions! I think that's called avoidance, another excellent trait I possess!

Reclaiming

In recent days, or perhaps weeks, I have stopped some things that have been routine for me. In the process, I am now finding myself not feeling so much like me. Today it occurred to me, that this may be in large part, because of the things that I am NOT doing, as opposed to some of my more worrisome thoughts, that it because of the things that I AM doing.

I have not read much of anything that makes me think. Oh, I have glossed over some morning Bible passages...GLOSSED OVER being the operative phrase. I feel like I am reading but not thinking.....just monotone in my head, close the book...and off. Same goes for the couple of books that I was into. Nothing. Blah. I need some new material. I need to spend some time at Barnes and Noble...or some really good suggestions. I want a great novel that I can lose myself in and fall in love with the characters and feel a part of their lives. (Not, like creepy, "fall in love", like in Harlequin Romances, but just find some community of friends between the pages) I need something that makes me think and dream outside of the box too. Something real....like Anne Lamotte...but maybe someone new.

Since I have been out of school, I have also found myself not writing as much. This I know is because I am avoiding writing about things I know I should be writing about. Things and life that might actually be of value to someone besides me. But the problem with that is, I don't really want that to be what I have to say. Although I have no idea what I actually think I do have to say....I got not a lot else currently. Just the one thing that keeps nagging at me. (my avoidance factor is kicking in big time on this, but now I'm feeling like I'm running on fumes in my quest to avoid it).

Finally, the gym. Or the trail. Or the bike. Or the floor. Or actually anything that has anything at all to do with getting off my PHASS and moving! I can whine and complain all day about this....but ultimately, all my whining only makes me more pissy! (because I hate whiners)

I'm not quite sure what to do about all of this. Taking action and taking charge of myself again might perhaps be a great start. Becoming proactive about my own life....no one is going to make me happy forever if I am not happy with myself. Slowing in the course of my afternoon, which has been far to introspective and self abasing...I have started to see the light again....on the path in front of me....I hope I know where that path is leading....and as it twists and turns I want to enjoy and soak in every second of it.

Tomorrow.....I'm reclaiming myself tomorrow!

SWEAR WORDS

Tonight I had the joy and sheer privilege to sit at my counter and lounge on the couches with these two amigos.....

Watching them interact and listening to them I was completely taken in by the similarities in their relationship to the one I have with my BFF. The littlest one is my BFF's son...he's 5. Mine is 7. They are bon hommes! Chums. Pals. Buddies.

They also know a lot about swear words. The also like to share their knowledge with others, especially grown ups who, struggle to maintain calm demeanors as they "couch" their knowledge in just such a way so as to not to get their mouths washed out with soap. Nolan proclaimed at the counter tonight..."in my town there's a road...Dam Neck...(and then he grabbed his little neck with 5 year old pudgy hands and grimaced) and said..Oh, my damn neck!" Then he stuffed in a huge bite of pizza to hide is smile! My response? Oh, yeah, that's not a good word. Then Noah said, "hey, does your grandma say the S word? " Nolan just stared and said, (while still munching his pizza), "you mean like Holy bleeeep? That S word?" Noah: "I think so, do you spell it S-H...." at which point I felt obligated to step in and try and steer to conversation in another direction. (and I am left to wonder which one of their grandmas use that word). Which somehow lead to H-E-L-L....which, segued into....the mother of all swear words.... S-U-C-K! (I was only too relieved to hear that this was the "biggie".

Eventually they got back to topics that I was far more comfortable with....although honestly, Godzilla, and Mothra, and King Hedora didn't make me laugh inside as hard....and then we were off to look for the above mentioned monsters at the video store.

They are nestled in the chair, with trucks in their hands, running commentary through the whole movie....and it has started to hit me that these days with our BFF's are numbered. We are into the final week....I don't want the boys to realize this now...I want them to think that days and nights and conversations like the ones above will happen forever....I want to think that too! Tonight I'm going to pretend like they are!

A recap

Sitting here tonight, I am exhausted. My day though, has not been that difficult, and so I was sitting here wondering what in the frog I'm so tired from. And then I started browsing through the recently loaded photos and I was awash with memories from these past 7-8 days. Many of the really good moments are only captured in my mind, but some of these from the 4th of July made me smile.

After driving from Knoxville the day before and arriving home at about 130 am, we got up and drove another 2 hours to enjoy the Independence Day festivities in northern Michigan. Hometown parade, amazing cookout, jet skiing and fishing, sunning....and to begin the nighttime cap off...a campfire. And no campfire is complete without Michigan Koegel hotdogs. John and Kevin....(not natives) were captured for all time enjoying the delicacies of the Michigan frankfurter. (This was Kevin's 1st foray into the world of the koegel vienna....and the next day he was introduced, albeit hesitantly, to the koegel pickled bologna!) Noah was intent on stuffing in as many s'mores into his little gullet as he possibly could!

We headed out for the fireworks display a wee bit early...to ensure getting a "good" spot on the beach. We had plenty of time to hang out and relax...and of course watch the kids DANCE with sparklers! (I am fairly certain that this is an unsafe practice, and if this picture ever gets out, we all better hope Grandpa John never sees it!!) But not one was injured..no sparkler spikes in any feet bottoms so it was all good. The night capped itself off with the most amazing fireworks display I have ever seen....the were directly on top of us...we could feel the vibration in the sand as they launched them...and ash sprinkled down on your blankets as the lights faded...again...not something we want GJ to get wind of!

This was only the beginning of a friend and fun filled relaxing weekend....all of it was fun...but on the sleep deprivation end...maybe we all got a little shortchanged! Hence my feeling of malaise tonight. Or quite possibly its just that it all seemed so natural and fun and relaxing that I wish.....well....its not ll:ll yet so I'm saving my wishing....

Foment

Most days I am certain that I know myself. My strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and "features", but today...not so much. Today I am feeling pummeled by emotions and thoughts that seem to be not mine.And by pummeled I mean...I can't fricken get away from them. The BFF told me I needed to take a brisk walk.

Check.

Then I decided to do some shopping...(that's something she does).

Check.

Nap.

Check

Oh, yeah, I forgot...in the middle of doing all those things...I have been praying....as pathetic as it may seem to God currently....it hasn't really been like deep, reverent prayer, but much more akin to, "help me get away from this stuff...I don't like it, want it....I don't understand it...". I feel like a a dog, frantically trying to chew off a collar, or porcupine needles from its nose...as hard as they try, they just can't get it off or out. Mostly I don't really know where it's all coming from either, which makes me even more flummoxed.

So, here I sit....out of sorts, off kilter....and a wee bit emotionally unstable! NICE!

Then I was reading, and learned a new word. Foment. It means to take a cloth dipped in warm water or medication and apply it to a body that needs healing. Actually foment means poultice...but that's what you do with it. That's exactly what I feel like I need tonight. I just want God or someone to foment my currently "un-me" effed up mind, and emotions and I want to just "BE"!

I want to be all the things that I like about me...sanguine, Pollyanna, trusting, open, holding nothing back.....I wish I wasn't a conflict avoider....I wish I had the "calls" to just speak out loud to people that don't really know me....for right now....i really wish I had a poultice!

The Recital

In the hectic hustle and bustle of graduation and all the activities that were attached to it, and then finishing up the accelerated spring semester of college, there were events and occurrences which just kind of melded into life without a second thought.

Today, as I was drinking my coffee on the deck, something reminded me of my nieces vocal recital. A little background is in order here. My sister in law has been a staunch NON-SUPPORTER of any extracurricular events or activities. No dance classes, gymnastics, softball....until last year when one of her daughters tried out for cheer leading...they were activity free. I am not expressing any judgement on this decision one way or the other, my nieces are very well rounded young women...my sister-in-law did not make that decision to be mean in any way....she would just rather poke out her eye with a spoon than ever have to sit in stands, or attend concerts or recitals. She admits and touts this frankly, openly and with no apologies! When she has been invited, over the years, to attend my children's events, she has cordially and politely declined. Never once have I held this against her or judged her for her honesty....if I was more honest...who am I kidding...I just say it openly when attending...most of those events are eye poking and painful for me as well.

ANYWAY...back to my story...this year my nieces auditioned and were accepted into a musical/performance group called BJ Songbirds. Their end of the year event was a couple of weeks ago...my sister-in-law called about the event, the girls invited us...the SIL assured me that it was quite entertaining and enjoyable!

She neglected to tell me that at BJ Songbirds, they also give vocal lessons and this was the end of the year recital for those students as well! Can you say BAIT AND SWITCH? Once I realized what I was in for, my SIL was sitting smugly beside me stuffing down skittles like an addict!

Most of the evening was PAINFUL to say the least. Many young and old men and women want to be vocal stylists, but many should just be ok with being in the chorus, ya know. Seriously, as I was sitting there I thought, do they not hear themselves? Along with, if their coaches were indeed kind and loving folk, they would kindly and lovingly tell them to maybe try track or maybe curling next season!

...then "the girl" came on stage. Quite cute, seemed sure of herself, smiling at her coach offstage...music starts....first couple of notes a wee bit shaky....then blamo...forgot the words, forgot the tune, looked to stage right at coach, covered her face with her hands, began crying and started to bolt off the stage! I sat there thinking...(and I realize that this seems harsh) "Seriously, suck it up..you put in a lot of time practicing this song, you paid a load of money for these lessons...suck it up and finish the song!"

Her coach met her at the edge of the stage. She wrapped her arms around the girl who's head was on her shoulder crying. The coach picked the song up, singing strongly into her own headset while she walked the girl back to center stage. (in my head, and maybe out loud to the SIL, I thought/said..oh, my gosh, give me a break...stop being so dramatic). But as the song continued, the coach kept singing...never once taking her eyes from the girls....the whole time she was encouraging the girl to join in, and she did...several times...singing strongly a time or two...while looking into her coaches encouraging face..seeing her smile and nod...

The whole scene took on a different feel for me. The coach continued to love and support and BELIEVE in this girl..even when she was pretty much screwing up the thing she had worked hardest to do...probably over a very long period of time. And while it appeared to the girl and the audience that the girl had failed...big time...the coaches face and look did not express this at all. That girl knew, without a doubt, that her coach believed that she still had the best in her...that she was still amazing...that she was still valuable and still had a song to sing. The coach was holding her up, singing her part, when she couldn't...being strong when she couldn't be...and just waiting to turn it back over because she BELIEVED that eventually the girl would be able to sing the song on her own again.

How many times have my friends and people who love and believe in me done the same thing? How often have I returned that gift? Prayed when I couldn't. Believed when they didn't. Taken care of things when I didn't have it in me. Stood beside them no matter what.

The coach may have spent all year trying to teach that girl how to sing...but the best the best lesson she taught was on that stage....standing in the gap, until the girl was strong enough again to stand and sing on her own!

How often

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and he posed a question something to the effect of "How often are we just going through the motions of the expressions of our faith and how often do we get it messed up....and how do we learn or practice or just live in the relationship?" And do we really know what that is....to not be going through the motions? (That isn't exactly how he said it, but a paraphrase from my perspective)

Over the last few days, that idea of how do I separate my relationship from the One who loves me and created me to love Him, from the expectations of others who see faith as something expressed in large part by participating in the "busyness" of church life. Right now, I am stepping a little away from the busyness, and honestly, I think it is a good thing. I am realizing that my relationship with Him has been clouded by what I percieve others expectations are from me. Recently I had a conversation with a friend who has been steeped in the observances of religious life....the services that are attended, the places she shops, the things she needs to boycott, the satelitte network she uses....even her attitude in labor...she actually talked about being in so much pain and her husband was kinda being a little less than empathetic, and she wanted to yell at him or something, but she said "I was a good christian example for the nurses, and I just kept it all inside."

Is that what this life and relationship is about. In order to be a "good christian, or good christian example" do we have to stuff things all inside? I tried that for 19 years. And yeah....not so much! Over the long haul of things, I don't think that was what God expected or wanted or demanded of me. I think somewhere along the way, some idea or some other persons expectations of what a "good christian example" is got in and screwed up what He wanted from me all along. I am not saying that He doesn't want us to express our faith at all...or even be a part of a larger body of followers...but He wants the relationship to come first...and everything else to fall into place as He leads and guides my heart.

He has never intended for me to stuff things in, or to be phoney in any way. He wants and loves the real me....(which does not give me free license to be coarse, raucaous and inappropriate...or even to follow Brittneys lead of "Whoops, I did it Again) He wants openness, willingness to be out there...living my life with other people who don't know Him....He wants me to be real and honest with other people on this journey. I want the relationship but right now, I am trying to figure out how to not mess up other peoples ideas or expectations of how the expressions or observances of my faith look. Because in yet another conversation, with yet another friend, she said something to the effect of "you are such a good person, you're so much better than I am...I just rarely make it to church." Bluauaahahhahghghghgg!

Rising up out of my chair I nearly screeched at her....."are you kidding me? Being in church or at home in my garden doesn't have any bearing on how good I am! And especially in comparison to you...seriously! She had said this after we had talked about praying...and how for her it is just something she finds herself doing constantly, like an ongoing conversation! (Sounded very like she had things right) And if only she had been in my head recently while I sat in a service....well...honestly the things in my head....well...if I had been in that ongoing conversation, maybe they would have been different things! A good thing that came out of that services though was something said from the pulpit...or actually the runway...but the speaker said something similar to what my friend had said earlier in the week. He said "How often do we get the principles, but never know the person of Jesus? How often does that happen and to how many of us? And why have we let it continue for so long?



Right now, in this place in my life...I'm wanting very much to make sure I have those things in the right places, and order. Just a few things

The event

The event is over. And now, in the aftermath of what turned out to be a lovely day with many of the people who love gradzilla and us in general, I have a rare evening of relative solitude to look back on the events that brought us to and through today.

Only one week ago, in a last ditch effort to make the house "presentable", my living room was looking a little like picture l and 2.....and finally, after what seemed like no time, my dear friend had transformed my otherwise "jankey" living room into picture 3's inviting space. At one point today, while it rained for a bit, this room looked curiously close to what I imagine the "red tent" was like in ancient Jewish tradition. Seriously, almost every woman and young girl here were packed into this room, lounging and talking and laughing!

Last night, on the eve of the big day, when most people in my family would be frantically cleaning and doing other sundry preparations, I threw caution to the wind and just had fun with these two special women in my life. (pic 6) We painted our toenails, some of us sucked down way too many Mexican ales, and laughed, talked, spoke truth, expressed shock and loved each other unconditionally!



The preparations kicked into high gear when these three women arrived about 12:15 to "run" the show. They gave up their days today to help serve my guests, to make sure that the food didn't run low, and to infect others with their smiles! Seriously....look at these women smiling...I only wish I could record Paula's laugh on this blog....its very akin to an infectious cackle! Love these women!

And then, before I knew it, the party had ended. The last of the guests had left. Most of the cleaning up had been done. I looked out at the road and saw this pile....the spoils of the day! Nothing says "a good party" like 25 bags of trash and two full recycling bins! Currently, I am incredible thankful that I have a one- price- takes- all plan with the garbage men! This day could have put me into a serious financial crunch otherwise!

Going back into the house, I looked into the backyard and caught sight of the empty tent with tables, absent of cloths and centerpieces, chairs and people, and a wash of melancholy seeped over me. I feel a little like Steve Martin in the opening scene of Father of the Bride....exhausted from the work of it all, emotionally spent from the love that seemed to be every where I turned, and realizing that in the aftermath of this day, is the end of this chapter for Thing one. The graduation festivities are officially over...and she is officially on her way into the next chapter of her life.

Fortunately for me, I was able to be fully part of this day with her and for her. Even as I write this, I am listening and answering questions that she and her two BFF's are asking from them counter...as they stuff themselves with leftovers. The summer now awaits us...full of lots of exciting new prospects and adventures....and the memories that will linger from this incredible day....that took months of memories to get too...I wouldn't change a thing!

....the saga continues

In the ongoing saga of the open house....on Tuesday I finally located the tent...and they are indeed still planning on bringing it tomorrow to set up in the morning! YEAH!!!!

....my parents were here yesterday to "help", and we ended up with a plumbing issue that is still not totally fixed, but considering it didnt bother me to begin with, I am willing to live with the small spray that now comes out of the sink handles when you turn on the water in the MAIN bathroom that will be used during the open house! My mom spent 4 hours cleaning out the sliding glass door tracks...which, truth be told...I didn't even think were dirty to begin with...let alone 4 hours worth of cleaning with some kind of lye mixture, dirty! Apparently I live in squallor and don't realize it...and honestly, I am totally ok with that!

While rearranging the family room to make room for picture boards and tables, I knocked off the DVD/VCR.....shattered....broken...going to the landfill as we speak!

But I have a tent. And food...I ordered the food! It's all coming together.

My friend stopped by last night to look at gradzillas picture boards...and asked "who is this woman with your kids?" I looked over her shoulder and reeled back in horror...evidently I had a whole time frame of horrific hair and waxen make-up phase that I have blocked out...and evidently I didn't know my current BFF, because if I did I am certain she would have made me do something about myself! It was good that she stopped by last night...I needed a little brevity to be able to move forward.....

In the middle of all of this, I have realized a few things. Putting on an open house is damn hard work...but although I am the lone parent here, I have not been alone in this task. I have had much help and support from some of the most amazing friends that I can imagine. Not just in preparing for this....but even in raising and nurturing my kids. Without all of the people that God has put on this path with me, I know for certain that I would have crumbled long before now.....

So....broken DVD player and leaky faucets and all....I am looking forward to celebrating this weekend with all of the people who love gradzilla....and me...and who I am fortunate to be doing life with in this place!

Head in Ass

WARNING: If you are prone to excessive worrying and hand wringing...read no further...if you are a judgemental and pious finger pointer...read no further...if you need to feel better about your little bout of forgetfulness like say perhaps, you forgot to take the garbage out last night instead of this morning...then read on...you will feel much better about yourself!

When my dad comes over to my house, occasionally he finds some thing or another that I have forgotten to do, or misplaced or neglected. On these occasions he feels compelled to say as he shakes his head in scorn and dismay..."Carolyn..you need to get ur head outta your ASS."

As today has unfolded, I have found myself saying it to myself....the rub there is, that currently my head is so far stuffed up my ass that I am unable to hear anything but a muffled "wha, wha, whah, wha..." much like the peanuts adults.

Item l. Got up and went to class, only to discover that I had not read the syllabus correctly. No class today!
Item 2. Went to financial aid office, discovered that I need to turn in some pertinent information by Wed. to receive the financial aid.
Item 3. Went to consult with the 5-O only to discover that my PPO had expired...NICE! Just when I need it!
Item 4. Realized that I had neglected to order food for open house from the caterer...then promptly forgot again!
Item 5. Called to reconfirm tent rental...and realized that I had all the information EXCEPT who the EFF I rented it from....and no one remembers talking to me...
....and no one has tents left! MAJOR HEAD IN ASS!
Item 6. Received follow up mail about two important matters..l. My 2007 tax audit that I forgot to send verification information about...delaying my 521 dollar refund even longer. 2. Misplaced financial verification in another area, thereby making me unacceptable as a person in general!
Item 7. Didn't drag yard waste to curb...and now it will be yard ornamentation for the tent less, food-sparse open house.
Item 8. Ran into two people while out who did not receive invitations to said sparse and hot, shade free open house...who were distinctly miffed and did not seem to believe or accept my heartfelt apologies...and encouragement to just come anyway!

It is now 6:22. I want to go to bed. I haven't fed my family. I need to keep cleaning. I want to run away. I need to finish homework. I need some kind of grease or oil to unwedge this melon that is so far ensconced in my ass that I cannot for the life of me seem to get it out!

out of sorts

Out of sorts. That's how I have been feeling the last day or two. Oddly, even in the aftermath of some amazing and unexpected answers to prayer.

I have talked often of the thing or things I want most. Actually it is not just a thing, but a whole life with a person who has my whole heart. That life will not happen easily. Neither one of us is the easy or quick choice. After a brief interruption in our journey, it seems that maybe we can sort out the obstacles and find the path to becoming a reality.

Sometimes in the aftermath of very real conversations and huge dreams....the enemy of our hearts can step in and try and steal them away. I think that is happening right now. And while I recognize that, I feel a little powerless to stop it. If he (the enemy) could stop two families from becoming one, especially if that family combined is stronger and longs to follow the One who loves them more than any other, wouldn't that be a huge thing. I think one of the biggest places he attacks is the heart of families. Our two families separately are proof of that. The person who has my heart and I are both doing the best job that we can to raise kids who love God....but we long to do that together...to bring balance and perspective into each others worlds.

Anyway...even writing all of this, I still feel out of sorts about it all. I guess it all comes back to the BELIEVING that He is able to do EXCEEDINGLY AND ABUNDANTLY beyond what either one of us could ask or imagine. Believing that in the day to day when I can't be where I want to be...or with the people that I want to be with, that eventually it will happen...and that I have no interest in letting the enemy of my heart undermine what God promises to" those who love Him and are called according to His purpose!"

BELIEVE: THE ADDENDUM

A few other things I want to believe tonight......


That these peonies will bloom all summer, keeping me ever smiling and happy when I look at them in my yard and on my table.

....and that in the morning, when I wake up, the mulch shoveler and his elves will have emptied this trailer!

and that this hair is purely a horrific by-product of the humidty, and not a permanent atrocity that I will have to struggle with forever!

BELIEVE

My friend brought me this little rock today. She said she saw it yesterday, and felt compelled to buy it and then didn't. She claimed that her lack of listening to her instinct caused her to be "gloomy". So, in an effort to snap herself out of the gloom, she went back and got it today.

We haven't talked in the last day or two....she had no idea how much I really needed to be reminded to just believe. I have been believing something for a long while now. I have been waiting and believing....and I think maybe....idk....but anyway...just when I think maybe...I started to let a little fear and uncertainty creep in. A little over thinking and second guessing...and WHAMO....I took my eyes off of believing.

It comes as no surprise now, that just when I was faltering, someone who cares about me, who has believed with me...(or at least plied me with wine in her hot tub while I struggled with it), felt the nudge to pick up a reminder for me. She said she thought it might be a little "jankey", but she didn't care...I can put it in my unmentionable draw if I want! I'm not putting it there...It is right here, where I can see it first and last everyday, just in case I start to let it slip away again.