....Binge and Hide! The tale of 2 siblings

The night before Savannah left for Florida she snuffled her way through all of this!!!

...Which might expain Noahs need to feel like he had to HIDE this!

...its all about the 2nd question

Tonight another question brews in my mind. Some two weeks ago, I prayed for clear direction...clear vision...doors to be closed that should be, opened where they should be....and today I prayed much the same prayer.

Something happened on both occasions. But each time I am left with the certainty that the clarity in my heart is somehow the right door. I have firm belief that what I feel in my heart, and also know in my head are true....the conundrum is...there is someone else whose heart and mind are confused, or at the very least unclear. At one point tonight...I clearly saw an entire future.....

So my question is, what is that about? Is it just my mind and heart seeing something I long to be a reality, or is it actually my mind and heart knowing and someone else is just not getting it? I know I never want to force or coerce someone else into something God is not leading in...but seriously....does He ever lead two people in opposite directions? That doesnt seem like the God of no confusion....Why am I not confused? Why can't I be as certain as the other person that this is the right course....it would be so much easier if I felt like we were on the same page..

This is exactly the time I wish God used e-mail or at the very least some kind of blog comment to let me know how to feel, how to react, what to hope for and believe and trust in....besides Him...that is the one thing He has been clear on...He has to be enough for me....

He already knows this, so I'm putting it in print just for the sheer principle of being honest....I want Him and the real life person....2nd question. Is that wrong?

...the syndrome

....I have a phrase that I use often...I use it when referring to the kind of situation where you say something absolute and sometimes judgemental or even pious. I use it in recognition of the piety and judgemental attitude; the things I dislike so much about myself....and I am usually laughing...because I know there is truth in the phrase...or actually the "syndrome" to which I refer. I call it "Cathy Burpee Syndrome." When I was much younger, early in my catty high school years I mused out loud about a girl with facial hair...something like: "What kind of girl has hair on their face?"

Guess whos waxing and shaving now?

....thats what the phrase refers to....saying things as if they would never happen to me...and then..BLAMO...I suddenly find myself in the same circumstance which I judged or looked onto with disdain.

Knowing about the syndrome has helped, I admit, to curb some of my judgement and piety...I have lived in the aftermath of it often enough to know its cursing powers...two horrific areas...the scales...yes, I looked on at someone else and mused.."how does someone ever get to that weight?" I can tell you now firsthand...one bite at a time! The second area: finances. again, someone was talking about their consumer debt..again I mused: "how does that happen?" One can of paint and a "darling" little lamp at a time!

My point it all of this is that tonight I realized that there is possibly an upside to"CBS". It is the honesty in the aftermath of whatever life circumstance or experience has befallen me at a given time. Sometimes there is an opportunity to share what I have learned from my round with the syndrome, with someone else...and pass on some words of encouragement, to offer strength, and a little hope to another who is suffering from the syndrome as well....this weekend has opened my eyes to that. Sharing the reprucussions of my experience has given me a clearer picture of how God intended us to live in community with each other...He intended us to bear one anothers burdens, share the load...be transparent, honest....He did not intend for us to judge or presume things about other people....and although I don't believe He orchestrates "CBS", I do think He has a little chuckle when our choices throw us into it. I also think He is amazingly generous when He offers us opportunities to show His grace to others while we eat our Cathy Burpee crow....

LOVE AND HOPE

Upon waking this morning...actually a few minutes after waking up, I realized something huge. I feel like me again....and since realizing this I have been trying to pinpoint how and what exact emotion or attitude or feeling is attached to me.

I think it is a combination of things...attitude and emotion. I have HOPE. Not delusional hope, just a sense that life is continuing on...that I truly am still me....I didn't lose any of the things that help me understand who I am...things like trust in people, belief in the good, desire to make a difference, the ability to laugh and find joy even when things are not really funny. HOPE has crept back in....actually it probably never left, I just didn't see it or feel it for a while.

Today I have to write a paper about my goals for the next 10 years and then speculate as to where I see myself in 10 years. Honestly I am struggling to picture 10 years from now....I have learned over time that life does not often unfold in any ways that we expect. I absolutely LOVE that aspect of life...it isnt easy to embrace, but looking back at life, it has been diverse and rich....filled with people and situations that I never would have planned or orchestrated. I LOVE how those things have shaped who I am, and that my perspective has not been jaded by them....

My original thought about my paper was "What size font would I need to use to make "alone and bitter" fit on three pages..ahahhahahahhahahhhahah.....the fact that the very thought of writing those words made me laugh really hard, cemented in my mind that I will never be those things.
I have no clear idea of where I will be in 10 years....and honestly I'm not sure that I want to know...what I do know about 10 years from now...I will still LOVE life and I will still have HOPE!

Good, Bad and Ugly

The BAD part, well leaving was incredibly difficult....but looking back on it, there were clear blessings in the whole weekend.

The GOOD part was over 26 awesome hours in the car with 5 kids...and I am being serious. The kids loved the ride...we laughed, sang, slept, played cows in the porn shop (ahahhaha), listened to ww4=THE HUSK FM... ate way too much junk. It was good time together...and we would all do that part again...not next week, but again!


The UGLY part? Driving down Mckinley Rd. past the entrance to Somerset and having Fiona point out that "wow, its kinda funny that we just drove 13 hours from seeing Krista and we used to be able to turn right there."

BALM

I want to stay here...for now...there are no clear answers here, but being close to my friend, and being able to laugh at myself, or be laughed at...or to laugh at her...well..honestly that is a balm to my soul!

Laughing and eating ourselves into a comatose state...seriously, I took a killer nap today...I am thinking those aren't really healthy places to be, or healthy therapies...

Speaking of unhealthy...I feel like I have a sore throat coming on...Krista where is the cough medicine?

The waterfall

So, running brought me to today...this gorgeous, high 60's day with my friend, my kids....and still the reason for running clouding my thoughts!

We went on this awesome walk to a waterfall, and while watching the water rage over I felt so much like that is what my life has been for the last week....just a boiling turmoil of things crashing down and flowing out of my control...farther down the falls, the water calms a bit. Thats the place I want to be...in the calmer waters....or at the very least the bubbling brook of happier times.

Don't get me wrong...today did have some of those moments..captured and pictured above:
-watching the kids gather rocks and shells and playing by the stream (sans the overprotective old guy)
-comtemplating just diving in and ending it all (just a joke)
-waiting and counting the times my friend laughed while her crack hung out, knowing from the first exposure that it would require a picture!
-EARL
-laying amongst the daffidils, laughing soooo hard at Greg's quizzical expression

So, in the aftermath of the day, I am still feeling like I am in the waterfall...just not alone there...which holds its own saddness....I am determined not to let the river take me under...and hopeful that when I am able to stand in it again, that I will be in a place more amazing than the one I have been imagining and dreaming about.....hopefully!

Running away

I am not trying to do anything illegal here...I seriously just want to run away. The plans are all made. I am running to arkansas with the kids. It's a good plan. I know I can't go forever. I know that running there will not change the things I am running from. I know that we have to return. But still...we are going.

Despite: expired drivers license which I renewed but the new sticker has not arrived, thereby making renting a car impossible.

Despite: Having to veer from the plan of leaving directly after my speech, and now I will go directly to the Secretary of States Office to get said sticker and then go and rent the car, which would already be packed.( I will not be bitter)

Despite: Not having enough car adapters for all the portable DVD players...when I was a kid we counted cows! And played license plate bingo.

Despite: The house not being clean, and the laundry not done.

Despite: Knowing that there are flash floods and my kids and I may be swept over a bridge into raging river waters, making it necessary for us to climb onto the top of the rental van, (which we don't have yet) and being airlifted to safety by coast guard helicopters! (This bit of worrisome thought came from my parents, who cannot for the life of them understand why I would want to undertake this journey)

What I am trying to do is be with my friend. To be able to sit and talk with her, cry with her, laugh with her, and in some way "find our place" with all that is seemingly tumultous in our lives!

.....then maybe she and I will run away together...just like mary anne and wanda...

you know they were the best of friends? Or is it thelma and louise?

Small Gifts

Today was speckled with small gifts. It was my birthday...there was no festive celebration like in many years past (my choice). I didn't feel much like celebrating....my goal was just to get through the day....and now I have.

But looking back on it, I see that my day was filled with an abundance of small gifts. And exactly the things I needed to point me to better tomorrows.

Gift #l--my math professor gave us an extra day to do our homework!! (which still may not be enough for me)
Gift #2--The kids bought chinese for dinner.

Gift #3--A friend brought me roses(tangerine, with a stolen stem of babies breath and one ugly weed)!

Gift #4--I realized that the friend actually deserves the roses for listening to me cry for the last week....ahhahahahhah

Gift #5--Noah gave me a bunny for my birthday...and then wanted to pray. This is what he prayed: Dear God........(the usual God bless everyone stuff), and then help us to remember that the easter bunny isnt all about easter...its You filling all our hearts!

Gift #6--Laughing in a hot tub.

Gift #7--Good words from two dear friends who write in this place..their own views and perceptions of life have helped me to see today and the days ahead differently.

Gift #8--The realization that while it seems that my life will be empty forever....it is full, filled to overflowing with people that I love, and who love me, whose words, either in person, or written, or by phone, remind me that there is life beyond this empty place.

In many ways this has been a great day. Not littered with material gifts which will not last, but with small gifts of moments that will last forever in my heart.

A NEW DAY HAS DAWNED

This morning, after a long night of very little sleep, I dragged my phass to the Y.

AT 5 AM!!!!

I did my usual bike....stepping it up to burn 100 in 10 minutes....for a total of 300!

Then...and this is the biggy....I RAN on the treadmill. I have been wanting too for a long time, but the vanity of how that would look to others kept me from doing it...also the thought of how MORTIFIED I would be if I clumsily fell off....which was a definite possibility! I ran 5 out of 20 minutes. Not consecutively...tomorrow I am shooting for 6.

I need a goal...or a dream or an aspiration...something to work toward (as if getting five kids raised and out of the house isnt enough of a goal...or finishing college!) DIL.

I need something that is purely for me, that I want to do, or have wanted to do....and you know, the thing that keeps coming back around in my head..that I wanted to do when I was 18, and then again after I had savannah, and a few years after that....well...thats what I'm shooting for....

I'm not speaking it outloud. Sometimes when I speak my dreams outloud they seem to vanish or get lost in the chatter of them....I don't want that to happen this time! For now, I am biking and running at the Y....staying busy and focused....trying to fill up this somewhat empty new day with anything that keeps me from thinking about other things!

Life

I have learned alot about life lately. The thing that has struck the deepest chord in my soul is that Life is fragile, and it is short. We have limited time to be here in this place. We should never ever settle for existing. Not in our relationships, friendships, jobs......existence I have learned is not Life.

God in his loving care....offers us Life...in abundance...that is the Life that I want. Abundant Life with the people I love most, and hold most dear to my heart....

Life is also fickle...because more often than not, circumstances change, without any warning and Life changes, and the ones dearest to you are no longer there, either in proximity or as a part of your day from a distance. This is the saddest thing of all to me about Life. It is at these times when I often wish that I didnt care about the things that are most important in this Life...the people that make it complete.

But I do. And so tonight I weep for them. For their absence from my life, for the impact they have made on it, and for how we journey now.....still looking and longing for abundance....and finding it a little less attainable.

ENERGETIC AND BLAZING

Curiously, I am drawn to wonder about the order in which things happen or present themselves in my life. Just two short days ago, I was in a place reading these next words, and on that day, while they jumped out at me....they didnt jump nearly as much as they do today.

Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel
like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now......let yourselves be
pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with
holiness.

I don't feel very much like my life is currently energetic and it certainly does not feel like it is blazing with holiness. Also, while I am not really in the old grooves of evil, it does feel like I am often questioning the after effects of those grooves. I desperately want God to "work all things together for good...", and if possible to use me and the mistakes of my past to reach out to someone in my present. But more often lately, I am finding myself wishing I had known better then.....and then I realize that even if I had, I would have probably still fallen into the same grooves.

Those grooves seem to be part of my journey. I am becoming increasingly aware that we all have our own grooves that we are drawn too. Maybe we don't fall into them, but we sometimes teeter at the very edge and sometimes gaze somewhat longingly at the view. It is that notion that caused this to jump off of the page at me.

Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It
cost God plenty to get you out of the dead-end, empty-headed life you grew
up in. He paid with Christ's sacred blood, you know!

If I continue to gaze longingly at the view, how can I ever look longingly into the face of God. The price he paid for my empty-headed viewing was far too great for me too continue to teeter any longer.

These five "things" are right up at the top of my list.

Thing 1 is going to be graduating soon...I will miss her desperately.

Thing 2 is taking a lifeguarding class...she is determined and headstrong...and I sometimes envy her fierce determination.

Thing 3 is a freak of nature. I have no idea how she came from either of her parents. She could manage a small nation and still have fun.

Thing 4 is a force to be reckoned with on the basketball court...again...I wonder how that came to be...but I am am so proud of her.

Thing 5 desperately wants a boy/man to live with us. Mostly to side with him against ... "THE SISTERS." If that didn't break my heart, I would laugh at his label for them.

THINGS I REALLY DONT WANT TO BE WRITING ABOUT....

I have been sitting here at the computer for at least four hours now....in a row...not including the time that I was here earlier today! I am currently trying to be pro-active and get some of my homework done before 4 am the night before its due later this week! ahhahahahhahahah

I AM THE QUEEN OF ALL PROCRASTINATION!

Currently, I am wearing my crown proudly.

Currently, I am kind of wishing that the only things I had to write about were my own thoughts and musings. But alas, English 112 beckons, and I must formulate opinions and essays about readings that I have absolutely no interest in. Case in point: Do you think reality TV writes itself? Case two: Ipods and Missing Manners--actually I do have an opinion on that one, but honestly it doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things.

So, while I am formulating thoughtful opinons about things I don't really even think about, I am left to wonder, what do I really care about? What are the things that are important to me? My gut instinct answer to both of those questions is: That the things that immediatly jump to my mind I am sure I am not prepared to commit to in print! How's that for honest? For now, I will retreat to english 112 and forego any original ideas of my own....but they are in there...brewing and waiting to come out...

...maybe I just need the perfect photo to pair them with....

Embracing the roller coaster

...I've been feeling a little ornery today...and last night....and actually yesterday..ahahhahah! Last night I actually found myself thinking "I have turned into my DAD!" (unfortunately not the good parts of him, but the ones that chaffe me the wrong ways).

Then someone told me to visit an old friend. I didn't want to do that.

And then I realized...I really did need that visit. I have neglected this friend for far too long....so I came home suited up and went to the Y! Then I came home and cleaned a little, did some laundry, balanced the checkbook...you know just the mundane things of life.

But I feel BETTER.

During all of this I realized the wisdom of anothers words....."Embrace the roller coaster." It is ok to be peevish sometimes. Its ok to feel overwhelmed. It is ok to want to be somewhere else. But at the end of the day, when I assess everything that has transpired in the course of my day, there is peace and contentment.....I am still certain of Who is guiding my time and course, and that He still has a plan and a purpose for me. And the positives in that far outweigh the peeves of my day.

Random Selfishness

so...now that the Clos du Bois is gone, and the house is quieter still...I am facing more questions or thoughts...

If this life is really a journey or pilgrimage, do we have a choice in the matter...or more specifically, why is it that I feel likeI don't have a choice? I feel like I want to be on vacation, a tourist, so why is it that i feel I cant't be? I know that I am not the only person who feels like this...I talked to a friend today who claimed to feel the same way....and she also fights it. Sometimes i just want to blend in, to be unknown by anyone. Is that just because of the events in my life I wonder? Sometimes I just want to be in a place where no one knows anything about me...sometimes I wish I didn't care. About anything.

That feels awful to say outloud...and a little negative (ahahhhhhah..a LITTLE) but seriously, how can some people not CARE about a bigger picture...about making a difference? And why can't I? Part of me just wants to BE! Now that really feels awful...and selfish....

....and another thing I wish I could do something about. I want to help the people that I love most in this world. I desperately want them to be HAPPY! I want their lives to be filled with love and purpose. Mostly I just want all of them to be here...living those lives with me!

Thoughts

I have been so looking forward to tonight, to right this very minute, when the kids are all in bed,and I have no pressing deadline for homework (meaning nothings due tomorrow, but plenty is acutally pressing), and I have nothing but the next few hours ahead of me to get out all of the things that have been flitting through my mind, but that I have been unable to get down in print. And here I sit, suddenly unable to articulate anything. Or at least not anything that I want to say outloud.

Over the last few days, while I haven't actually had time to blog myself, I have taken snippets of time to roam through others blogs....some that are part of my daily ritual of quietly checking on my dearest friends, and some that are totally random, via the "next blog" icon at the top of my homepage. And I find myself with a couple of thoughts.

Thought #l. I am so incredibly thankful to have friends that ask questions or present ideas that challenge and encourage me...even when they have no idea that they are doing it.
Thought #2. I blog just to get stuff out of my head so that I can sleep, because sometimes I just need to get it out...so mostly I write strickly for selfish purposes and I wonder if that is ok? I am starting to feel like maybe I need to be more thought provoking or poignant....
Thought #3. Thought 2 is just fricken stupid! This space is AAC!
Thought #4. I need a camera. (random, and somewhat keeping up with the Joneses)
Thought #5. I wouldn't use it after the first week....ahahhahahah.
Thought #6. There are a lot of spanish blogs out there...that seems kinda funny to me.
Thougth #7. If I ever start blogging about my trip to the grocery, and then following it up with the blow by blow of the amazing veal and scallops I broasted....do whatever you have to do to delete this space!

Now that I have "thought" through all of those "thoughts" I think I need some more time before I sit here again.