The Tightrope is LIVING!!!!

Waiting. Currently, I'm having a difficult time with this verb; or action; or more accurately, this IN-action.

Over the past few days, I have become increasingly restless, emotional, and frustrated. Maybe I've written this before, I don't really know, its been so long since I've sat here, but anyway, here I am with this giant on my back, and I don't know how to shake it, or more importantly, why it weighs so heavily.

Until a few minutes ago that is. After a phone call where I was barely able to hold it together, I hung up and started to break into pieces. Even while it was happening though, I was struggling to understand why, why now, why so intensely is this waiting so hard? Why am I so frustrated by it? Why does it feel so familiar? That's where the truth revealed itself. The familiarity of the waiting. The things I'm waiting on, and waiting for are in large measure out of my control. I am ready to get on with life. I am ready to be doing whatever it is that I am designed to do, or just do SOMETHING. I'm tired of school, and the preparing to be productive. At this point in time, I could do any of the things I am wanting too with the skills and education I have now. I'm sick of the preparation. I just want to scream and get the hell on with life.

And, then there are the other parts of my life where I'm waiting. These areas I have even less control over, and my frustration is even keener. Tonight I realized that I spent a lot of years waiting for someone else's time table to be right. Trips were put on hold until after I wasn't nursing, and then put on hold longer in hopes that I might look better in a bathing suit(not my mandate), and that cycle continued for years....due to the five kids! Then there was waiting to host holidays until the house was perfect, or waiting to make time for others until Jupiter aligned with mars...waiting to connect until......you get the idea? I'm sick of waiting. I waited the first half of my life away, and there are lots of things I regret about that.

I'm tired of waiting. Waiting for the perfect timing, waiting for this person or that person, waiting for graduation....mine, kids.....there will always be something to wait for. But in the meantime, I want to LIVE! Fully, intentionally, and without waiting!

"The tightrope is living; everything else is just waiting!" ----Karl Wallenda

He said this about his life, about what he loved to do, which was first and foremost the acrobatic career he shared with his wife and family. Everything else was just waiting!

38 minutes.....HEAVEN AND HELL

The movie was titled "38 MINUTES OF TRAINS" . The title says it all. Some train junky got out his video camera and spent 2 DAYS in Lansing filming (without narrative mind you) 2 days worth of trains just driving along the east and west bound tracks. CSX's and CN's. I don't know what the frog CSX stands for but CN's are Canadian Nationals. At this point you may be asking yourself..."how does the laundress know this, and why?"

I live with a 7 year old train savant. I am not kidding you, the boy is totally focused on this one thing...anything else and he's like a cat with nip...all over the place...but show him trains, talk about trains...you name it he knows it. He freakishly morphs into a 73 year old railroad buff and starts using words that normal folks don't know, like gondolas, switch engines, sidings, loco's, diesels.... Today he went to a train show with his grandpa and dear old gramps picked up the treasured movie. So tonight when we got home the little would be savant engineer wanted to curl up in my bed, giddy with excitement, just the two of us watching his new movie. Insert here:(I fully recognize that I am selfish and had no interest or desire to watch 3 minutes of trains, let alone 38!)

I realized laying there watching his face beaming beside me on the pillow and listening to enthusiastic and knowledgeable narrative, that while I was thinking I was getting a small 38 minute glimpse of what hell might perhaps be like, this boy I love so dearly was experiencing 38 minutes of heaven. (Actually far more than 38 minutes, because he has already watched it 3 times and he wants to get up early to watch it again before school)

How different we are created. I realized tonight how blessed I am to be surrounded by such diversity of interest and lives. How self centered I can be at times only wanting to pursue and invest in the things that capture my interest. Thankfully tonight I was reminded that my 38 minutes in hell, were Noah's 38 minutes of heaven....and he wanted to share those minutes with me.

Missed Signal

I'm pretty sure I missed a signal today. An opportunity with someone who is dear to me. We don't talk often, usually in passing, a hug and cursory "how are you", but this is the second time in a week that I have been sought out. Last week I was driving in ice on horrible roads and our conversation was cut a little short, today, customers came in and I got busy.

Tonight I am convinced that my friend wasn't really checking on me. I dropped the ball. I didn't pick up on the vibe until a few moments ago, when the friend came back to my mind. Now I am praying (literally) that tomorrow whatever it was that needed saying or listening too today will not be too late.

I also wonder how often I miss opportunities or signals from people who just need to talk or who are hurting but can't put it into words. I pick up on a lot usually, but other times I am convinced that my own verbosity
and exuberance thunder over others quiet needs. I wonder too how often those things override the quiet voice of the One who loves me and I miss out on His direction and prodding. I am certain that happened today. And last week.

Tomorrow....well, actually even tonight, I am endeavoring to be still...and listen!

COMING HOME

For the past few months I have been longing for a good book. Something that I could lose myself in. A life separate from mine, yet somehow still connected to me. I haven't found a book...but alas...tonight...the longing was quenched.

JACK IS BACK!

The new season of 24 started tonight, and as Liv and I (and Savannah by phone) began watching with anticipation....I queerly realized that I felt like it was Thanksgiving or some other holiday, and long lost friends and family were all gathering again...reunited!

Disclaimer: I fully realize that this is a TV show. I fully realize that I might as well be 14 again watching Luke and Laura's wedding, or the Cassadines freeze Port Charles. I also fully realize that in this one wee small area...I am a damn pantie throwing groupie. For some, Rick Springfield brings this out, for others its artists like Tristan Prettyman or Joshua Radin. I fully admit, this is an indulgence and foray into a world not my own. AND I DON'T CARE!

For one hour every week (four this week, with the kick off nights) I can live in a stress free world of international terrorism and global war, with no one to save America from complete and utter destruction but Keifer Sutherland! BLISS!

So tonight, in the hours after the 2009 debut...I sit here relaxed and smiling...and think...welcome home old friend, welcome home!

In my head

Started running again today. Loved it. Hated it. Need it. I'm still trying to ascertain whether its a good thing for me mentally or not though. I tend to over think a few things sometimes, and then put me on a treadmill....and BLAMO! Things rush in and out.....and then I find myself having conversations in my head or writing emails in my mind....and then well, I get kinda ticky.

This is kinda how it went:
Walking, walking, 321...running....SIDESWIPE....thinking...conversation begins, blah, blah, blah....walking again...(lull in mental conversation) 321....SIDESWIPE...conversation picks back up, more heated, more determined, blah, blah, blah....back to walking.....321.....switch to email....typing, typing, typing...blah, blah, blah....

...and things continued like this for me the whole time I ran/walked.

I have two theories on this phenomenon...
l. This is totally healthy and normal and everyone does it, but they never talk about it.(Which in an of itself is neither normal or healthy)
2. No one does this ever and I'm a freak!

Anyway, now I'm home and my mind is mush, my legs are burning, and I am falling in love with my new best friend "the stick", which Penny sold me yesterday to use to "roll out my muscles" instead of stretching.....for $7.95 that little pup is a wee slice of heaven!

STARTING NOW

For the most part, I've never been a big New Years resolution maker. The whole idea seems kinda dumb to me, similar to the "new diet starts on Monday" mantra. In my mind, I have always just thought, hmm..if you want to do something, DO IT! Don't talk about it, put it off, procrastinate and set a point "sometime in the future" to begin. If it's something you want to pursue or attempt START NOW!

So tonight I have been thinking about some things. Things that I want to do "at some point in the future", but they require advanced planning, and maybe a wee bit of dedication and training, and that all important item.....CABBAGE! These items on my list will require some discipline on my part, both in the saving and carrying thru on the plans. These are not two of my strongest areas. Actually, in these areas I suck big time. (Hence my disdain for new years resolutions I'm certain). Anyway....here's my list.

l. Camp in Pentwater with kids for l WHOLE week without technology!
2. Run l 5k race.....possibly the Flushing Road race, but not necessarily.
3. Take RV trip with Barb and Bob and some teens to Cincinnati area..aka Kings Island, The Beach!
4. Take college girls to lunch or dinner at least once each during winter semester.
5. Take some kind of road trip with Fiona....(she's an amazing DJ and great in shot gun for long distances...also doesn't require expensive meals!
6. Get B+ in Spanish, and A's in all other classes.
7. Pass the Basic Skills Test.
8. Write more intentionally at least 3 times a week.
9. Take kids skiing at Nubs Nob with Dad.(which will require teaching Noah to ski)
10. Go to Sleeping Creeper Trail and bike it.
11. Stop rationalizing
12. Learn to ride a motorcycle.

That's it....for now...I think there will be more "places to go" that I want to add....and some that are just part of life....and maybe some more mountains to climb myself, but for now....this is my start. I'm planning and starting and setting these things in motion NOW!