Friends

When you are preparing yourself and your kids to put the family pet to sleep, there are hundreds of thoughts, memories and emotions that run unbridled through your mind. But the reality is, there is only so much mental preparation which can be done, only so much talking through and consoling, and in the end you are confronted with the task.

There is much about today that I could write about, the conversations, the drive, the scene at the animal hospital, and the torrents of tears that were shed unashamedly. All of those things bear remembering, but tonight the scene and experience which continues to run through my minds eye and heart are the friends who stood beside my children.

Olivia texted me early in the day to let me know that her bon homme, Ally would be accompanying us to the vet. It bears saying that as Olivia's best friend, Ally is no stranger to grieving the loss of a pet with Olivia. In all of the other instances though, she has been notified and sought out for the comfort which only a best friend can offer, after the beloved pets have died. Today she volunteered to go, to watch, to comfort, laugh and weep alongside her friend during the entire event. She watched Heidi's eyes as she drifted off, and dug her hands deep into her fur as she lay on the table, standing next to Olivia and Fiona the entire time. Once home, she volunteered to relieve Fiona as she was digging the hole a bit wider to accomodate the blanket...and again as Noah and Fiona seemed to tire filling it back in.

Noah chose to stay with the neighbor boys while we took Heidi to the vet, but he wanted to help bury her. Arriving back home, I watched as he left their yard, accompanied on both sides by his two chums, Ian and Kyle, ages 8 and 6 respectively. They walked to our house in silence, Ian never taking his eyes off of Noah, and keenly watching his face and posture. While we laid Heidi in the hole, Ian continued to watch Noah, and as the tears began to slide silently down his face, Ian moved to stand beside his friend, putting a small hand on his shoulder and squeezing quietly, while tears slid down his own small cheeks. He stayed next to Noah the entire time, watching him take a turn shoveling dirt into the grave, and only moving to leave when Noah was ready. At that point he walked alongside of him quietly, following his friends' lead as to what they would do next. There were no words exchanged between the two, just unspoken knowledge that he was not leaving, that he was hurting for him and with him.

I am amazed and full with the realization that my children have found friends and their own "people" to experience this life alongside of them. I realize that they are all still young and perhaps the friends will change over time, but for now they have abundance. I am amazed by the empathy and strength I saw in the faces and actions of these friends today, despite their ages or gender, they already possess qualities of character which are sometimes scarce in our world today.

At the end of the long day, I am thankful for these friends, and for mine as well, who called, texted, phoned and did not glaze over, and who stood alongside us when life was difficult and sad.

Top 20

I have been challenged with the task of creating a playlist of my top 20 favorite songs of all time by a friend. Initially I scoffed at the notion, thinking I would never be able to conjure up 20 faves. I didn't intend to compile a list. But as with many things I intend, I found myself succumbing to the idea of ferreting through my past, and began to look for songs that had struck chords with me over the years!

The first song I ever remember hearing on the radio came immediately to mind, as did all the sights, emotions, smells, and relationships attached to the memory. In the summer of 1974 I was 9 years old with a killer bright green polka dot cotton bikini with a little ruffle; my first. Camping and laying on the beach for hours on end with my family and close friends, we listened to CKLW out of Detroit and the song we cranked up was Billy Don't Be a Hero by Bo Donaldson. 7 girls on a beach singing into our blow pops like microphones and rocking our first two piece bathing suits! I can see every face on the beach that summer, and hear our laughter. Wildfire and Shannon were in our top 5 for that summer as well, and without fail, when I hear any of those songs today (which thankfully, is a rarity) I look back on those summer days with a smile and a bit of sadness for the friendships that have waned, and those lost forever.

While listening through songs, I have decided it would be prudent to sub-categorize my list. I could surely fill it with 20 songs from eras or phases of my life or even genres of music. It would come as no surprise to anyone who has known me long that "Taking Care of Business" by BTO is hands down my favorite dancing tune! Duh...how many pitchers of beer I won doing the alligator I will never be able to recount, nor get back the $l00 bucks I had to pay the DJ at my wedding to play it, even though my mom had given him a 50 not too!!! "Respect" by Aretha falls into the same category, and again a wedding memory burned into my minds eye as my brother-in- law Todd and I danced my pups right out of the cups in my dress!!! These songs are fun, but most of my list is more toned down, and make the top 20 because they hit close to my heart in how I live and want to live my life.

"Every little piece of the puzzle doesn't always fit...perfectly" Sara Evans
"Home should be where the heart is, never were words more true." Beauty and the Beast
"Look inside my heart, and be amazed." Bethany Dillon
"She needs wide open spaces, room to make big mistakes." Dixie Chicks

....lines from songs stick in my head and I find that it is small portions of a whole that hit close to home for whatever reason, and with that, the tune has made my top 20 list. Some lines and some songs leave me ragged and drained with emotion, and some still buoy me with hope and the Pollyanna outlook that generally umbrellas my life. The compilation is not yet over, but for today I am finished. This was a far more introspective endeavor than I anticipated, and I am full with memories and emotions and as I have moved through the years dredging up songs I have noticed a very clear pattern. Songs that have stayed with me, or moved me in some way have strong relationship memories attached to them, or speak of longing for relationship of some kind, some human, some with the God who created me to love him first and then others.

Mirror images

January 8th 2009....and February 24, 2011....777 days apart...but mirror images!

I started running again on both of these days. I don't remember how long I kept at it in '09, and I am not sure about this go round, but the similarities in the conversations in my head, that seem to happen more frequently on the treadmill than anywhere else is a bit unnerving to me. I don't remember the details of life 777 days ago, I barely remember last week, but today, in this span of time, my mental conversations are mostly with myself. I am not sure if that is good or bad, and there are more questions than directives or plans. Which currently, I think is gonna have to be ok.

Today I am wondering how I got here? To this place, to this person who I recognize sometimes, but other times, not so much. I am a little jaded about lots of things, a wee tad cynical in areas I never dreamed I would be, and at the middle of it....I wonder how much of that is because of my complacency and inaction in areas I need to be diligent and intentional. I guess I don't really wonder...today on the treadmill I knew...I answered that question...it's just the plan of action to change it that is a little sketchy at present.