Questions

Currently I'm feeling quite full of questions, and sadly empty of any answers. Which has led me to wonder, have I always felt like I needed to have an answer. Have I put off asking things of myself until I knew what the answer would be? Then I realized.....and actually laughed at myself....I have never been a big one for asking questions, especially of myself. I don't really know when this "feature" in me has changed, and I also don't really know if I like it.

I was much more comfortable with the person who was certain of alot of things, and the things that I wasn't certain of, I was ok with not knowing. It has often been very easy for me to tell myself and others that even if we don't know the "why" of things, some things we don't need to know. Sometimes it really feels like not knowing is just NOT ok with me anymore. I want to know. I wish I had more answers than questions, for me and the people I love most.

So this is bugging me. If I didn't question very much before, why now? Was I more shallow then, or am I too self-absorbed now? Is looking for answers worth it, if I don't like them when I find them?

Just a few things on my mind tonight.

Spring Break

My spring break started last thursday....and I have been plotting and planning about all that I need to fill it with! And then I realized...its a stinkin BREAK....and all the stuff on my list doesnt make it feel like much of one....which led to the thoughts about what do i really NEED? My new list looks different. Physical needs, spiritual needs, emotional needs, life outside of my narrow view needs.

l. I need to get my phass back to the Y! Daily!
2, I need to see Kevin! (Check that off...spent the weekend there)
3. I need to start reading something substantial again.
4. I need to have coffee or lunch with two people in particular...no more putting it off.

Some of the other stuff is still on my list for the week, but these are my top four....and kick starting my break in Tennessee has given me a renewed determination and certainty that the other three things on this list are valuable. The true test to my commiment to the other three will come in the morning...when the Y is at the top of my list...then a couple of phone calls....and a trip to the book store! For tonight I need to get myself in bed...two hours ago!

MY FRIEND

We haven't really done anything at all to speak of....sat around the house, moved from couch, to chair, to bed, to counter. We had coffee...dinner with friends, hung out at the book store...home for more laying around....but these everyday things of nothing really mindblowing are the things that I have missed desperately since she left.

Sitting in companionable silence. She knows the things I am thinking even if I dont say them....and vice versa....and she still loves me. She still wants to be my friend. She knows what breaks my heart and what I love and hate about myself. And she still loves me. She still wants to be my friend.

Some people go through all of their lives without a friend like mine. That makes me sad. I don't know what I would do without her honesty. She laughs and mocks my dramatic declarations of "being done with it all!" She laughs at me when I cry. When she cries I laugh at her...or sometimes just stare incredulously!!

....and soon she will be gone again...I will miss her presence on a daily basis...I will miss the times like today......doing nothing and loving every second of it.

Why is it that when I am burdended down with homework, the only things I can think to write need to be here? Why does this space seem safe and cozy....like a fire and a mug of good coffee? And why is it that the longer or more I blog or write in one space or another, it seems to be increasingly more difficult for me to express myself verbally? Is that really a good thing, maybe his way of taming my tongue? In some of the most important areas of my life recently I seem to be communitcating best by writing my thoughts or opinions instead of just blabbing them out without thought! I recently even found myself verbally struggling for words that were more appropriate than the ones on the tip of my tongue, and I was with people who have heard it all out of me.

I was thinking about this tonight and I realized that sometimes we start to change and we have no idea that its happening, and sometimes we change and never realized that it happened at all, but occasionally we get a glimpse of the transformation in process, and we are able to recognize it and appreciate it for what it is....answered prayer, a maturing heart, possibly a little dementia..ahahha!

I have alot more to say, but suddenly I am even thinking some of it may need to wait or cultivate or be weeded out....hmmmm

People are Messy

A friend said once that "people are messy...people are just messy". She was referring to the difficulty that comes with navigating differences in friendships and the heartache that ensues when you bear one anothers burdens.
Tonight I have a little different, more jaded, view of that saying. People are messy because people are inconsiderate, mean, spiteful, rude beyond any social recognition, they are self absorbed, self seeking, they can be twisted and cruel and they have the innate ability to excuse their inexusable behaviour by blaming it on others.

I am exhausted but sleep will not come. Something is changed inside my head and I fear also my heart. In the cold light of morning I think I will not be able to curb what is in my head and heart and it will come out on my tongue. The part that frightens me most about that is that I dont believe I will have a moments remorse. I am DONE with propriety. I am physically sick of keeping things inside and saying the kinder things. I am tired of being more concerned about how other people feel or how they will feel if I say what they need to hear. I am tired of dancing around issues, avoiding the heart of the matter, and leaving things hanging and unsaid.

I have started to seriously consider things that I vowed would never happen. I am so tired of every area and every issue and I want change. I have always been passionate about people, about friendship, relationships, acquaintances, ...having an open door, open counter, and open heart. Tonight they are closed. Tomorrow they will be closed. I have no interest in opening up again.

People are messy....indeed they are!

Happy Birthday

Ten years ago this little pumpkin was just that...a little pumpkin! She was round and a little orangish (due to jaundice, lol)....and her sisters ADORED HER! So did I.

Today we are celebrating her 10th birthday, and it seems surreal....I can still almost feel her silver white bald head in my hand while I would feed her. She loved to be wrapped up tightly in a blanket in my arms...or to be held in any one of her sisters arms

We all loved to rub her silvery blonde head and smell her baby soft skin!

Now she is getting ready to sled all by herself....I mean she is able to put on all of her snow things alone...a major milestone for a child..and a joyous one for a parent! When she was born, I had no clue the person that she would become. I was filled with hope for her future and love for her chubby little self! Some things never change!

She still doesnt like to be alone. She doesnt like to sleep alone, watch TV alone...she loves to be where the action is. Her sisters and now brother still adore her (except when they dont). So do I...she has freckles on her nose now, and a funny little lisp when she talks...and sometimes she can say some of the funniest very honest things that make us all laugh hard...mostly because she is the youngest of the girls and we sometime underestimate her.

Happy Birthday Elsa

PROMPT AND UTTER DESTRUCTION

.....in evaluating President Trumans decision to drop the "bomb" on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I had to look at the facts surrounding his decision and decide whether or not I think it was the "right" one. Is it just me, or does it seem pious and self important to presume in 2008, with facts and opinions and conspiracy theories from all sides that anyone could or should second guess that decision? Will it change how anyone makes decisions now?

Huge wartime decisions aside, or included, it doesnt really matter....don't we all make decisions everyday based on the best information we have available to us at the time? Combine that with prayer and some good ole common sense and gut instinct....and boom....we have a plan. Sure, sometimes we find out after the fact that maybe we should have or could have done something differently, or that our choice was just straight up STUPIDITY, but even then, we acknowledge it and roll on. And then there are the times that we stall our decisions, hoping for a change or better information....and we look back and see so much time lost or years wasted. Or....we make a decision, hoping its the right one, maybe still a little unsure, and WHAMO...we have so much additional confirmation after the fact, or more information becomes available to us that we have absolute peace that our decision was the right one.

Still....to just stall, and wait in indecision, when we should be acting seems.,....soo, indecisive! ahahha!

....and as for President Truman....? Honestly, he didnt have all of the post war information that is now at our disposal did he? No, when he had to make his decision, he only had what was available at the time. And if he had decided to wait...and the war lasted 2 years longer, would I be asked to write about that decision now? And honestly, is it really anyone elses place to presume to make decisions for others? I THINK NOT!

.....and how many of our decisions really bring about PROMPT AND UTTER DESTRUCTION? Not many. Most of us base our decisions on the facts that we have and the things we desire to do. Most of us try and factor in all of the variables, positive and negative, and come up with a plan. And if we are fortunate enough to see clearly in hindsight, we learn form our past choices.

Just a few things I'm kinda fired up about today.

Hope is not wishful thinking

"Hope is not wishful thinking, but a firm conviction that is directed toward the future."...this precedes another reminder...that while now you may have to suffer for a little while, grief in all kinds of trials, they have come so that your faith will be proved genuine...

Another amazing reminder and promise for me...just when I needed it.

I've spent a ton of time "hoping" for alot of stuff. Not stuff, stuff, but you know...things to change, a life plan to unfold,for my friend to move back, for all the people that I cherish to be happy, for my kids to come in and get their clothes off of the table and put them away without being asked, for Heidi to mysteriously disappear. (Ok, I realize that really is wishful thinking and not actually true hope.) I digress.

When I think about hope as a "firm conviction toward the future", I truly believe that life can change. That our lives can change. The future holds promise and endless possiblities...for me, for my kids, for my friends....so while there may be trials along the way, and we may suffer in one way or another, HOPE reminds me that there are better things ahead, and I am sure more trials, but along the way there will be endless possibilites and "stuff" worth hoping for!

Clear Perspective

So, I went to the Y yesterday .... the first day back in like stinkin FOREVER!! And seriously, that bike kicked my butt...seriously, bruised and kicked. I was breathin hard and sweatin at about 12 minutes, wishing desperately it was already like 22! It occured to me how incredibly out of shape I get after being away for like just 3-4 weeks. hahahhahahhah....( I do realize that is an incredibly long time to go without working out). After it took me like 3 times as long to burn what I normally burned in way less time, I also realized how amazing I felt when I was done.

Why is it that something that I detest so much can make me feel so amazing? And since it makes me feel so good, and I mean physically, emotionally and spirtitually, why do I drag my feet and think up every excuse in the book to not go? That's a rhetorical question, I totally know it's because I tend to me more like a three toed sloth than a beaver.

The words that were spoken to my heart while on the bike should be reason enough to be dedicated to going back. My attitude and outlook on life should be enough. Here tonight, I feel like I am over and done with excuses....in a lot of different areas of my life...not just the Y. I know it isnt all about "feeling good" about things....but having clear perspective.

There are several areas of disipline that give me clear perspective. Tonight I am commiting to them...regularly, and without excuse.

Two years ago I knew absolutely that I could not do this alone.
I trusted God completely with every area of my life.
We lived day to day, week to week completely trusting Him to provide.
.....and He did.

Two years ago I knew absolutely that I would never forget or walk away from that place.
You know the place.
The place where you seek Him first in all things, trust His answers, hear His voice...mostly because you communicate with Him more than anyone else, and follow His leading.

Sometimes two years ago seems like a lifetime ago
Yesterday a song came on the radio.....and I remembered two years ago almost as if in real time.

I pulled my car over and wept.
Not at the events of the past....but at two realizations.
l. He has been faithfully by my side every second of the last two years. Never once have I felt lost or alone.
2. I haven't been communicating with Him like I used too. His voice seems softer, but that is soley because I fill my ears with other things.

But....and this is a good but, not an excuse but....I also realized that I still hear...I do still communicate....I just need to do it more...it needs to be all the time....ongoing...moment to moment.....

Sometimes we all need reminders...a song, a picture, a memory....something that draws us back into the safety and reliance, comfort and protection, that is ever present when we are trusting Him completely.