Here in the aftermath....

There are not many days in this life when we are allowed the privilege to experience (whether we want to or not), every emotion, flashback memory, or glimpse into the future that our limited human forms are capable of experiencing.

Move in day for your first child in college is one of those days.

Today was my day to experience it. Actually not just mine, it was our whole family's day to experience. All of us. Seven. Even though we don't live as a family of seven now, for this brief time, there was respite from the drama that divorce and all of its ugliness brings, and we moved Princess into college together. I say together, but actually, Noah and Elsa said their good-byes yesterday...so today it was just Princess (Thing one), Fiona, Olivia and Mark and I. Plus two car loads of "stuff", college necessities and the like. Of course it was us and about 500 other students and parents with dollies and flatbeds and futons and mini-fridges and long lines and one incredibly slow moving elevator!
But that's a side issue.

What I feel compelled to say now is how it felt. How surreal it all seemed to me, and I think to everyone else too. It started last night for me when her two best friends came home from their respective colleges for the weekend and spent the night here playing board games, laughing too loud and talking about incredibly inappropriate things. I wanted so badly to sit at the table and counter with them...to laugh and feed them...but every time I tried to come downstairs I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't hold it back, and since they are ruthless, I was certain I would be harassed mercilessly by them. (They have learned the fine art of that from me, hence my certainty). So instead I laid in bed listening, laughing, and crying....and remembering lots of other nights like it. Then this morning we were up and showering and everything was in the living room....I felt like I should be making a big breakfast, some kind of grand gesture send off...but I also felt totally paralyzed to mark this as an occasion. (Some might call this DENIAL). Instead we waited for Mark to arrive to pick up some of the gear, and we loaded up the cars and drove south. I rode with Princess. Even the task of driving seemed daunting to me. I just wanted to soak up the journey. I wanted to have a meaningful conversation, to say things that she would remember and cherish. I wanted to tell her how proud I am of her and how much I love her. How excited I am for her, and how much I will miss her.

I didn't. Every time I started to formulate the words, they just stuck. In my throat and in my mind. I need more time. That was something I kept thinking today. I need more time to teach her, to help her, to invest in her. But the time is up. The hourglass is empty on that one.

I am left to wonder if I said enough. If I taught her the right things. If she will make good choices because she will remember how to evaluate situations. I wonder if she will remember Who loves her more than we do, and that He is with her always. I wonder if she will miss life here, even though she will be loving the life of freedom somewhere else. (And even if she does, I pray she won't want to move back).

The actual leaving was difficult. She told us we could go..that she would be ok to finish up....and then we each had to say good bye. Each of us had to hug her, and one by one we all crumbled. The four of us leaving and walking away, even though every step seemed wrong...Olivia described it best. She said " I feel like we just left a puppy in a box by the side of the road and drove off." At our cars, Mark reminded me that this is what we have been working for from the time she was born. That we have prepared her the best that we can....and that this is how it is supposed to be....even though it doesn't feel like it. (This is hard for me to admit, but I know he is right!) lol.....

Sitting here tonight with Fiona and Olivia...and the letters that princess left for each one of us on our beds....well, its hard. Really hard. Now is the time I truly have to let her go, to trust that He is there with her, and also here with us. Here in the aftermath of college move in day.

From the trail

So I found myself again on the trail today..taking a much needed walk to just be still and listen. To be away from the things pressing in and the endless list of things to do was a welcome respite. In the quiet I realized a few things, in no particular order.

l. Lots of people don't pick up their dog poop...and I would like to rub their noses in it.
2. Just when we think we are alone, God sends the perfect friend to do another 3 miles.
3. Old people still fall in love.
4. Some people think smoking weed and riding their bike is excercise.
5. God is always there, but sometimes I get soo busy, I don't listen or talk to Him.
6. If your toe feels like its being rubbed raw in your shoe...IT IS!
7. When things are quiet in the woods, a woodpecker can sound like a damn serial killer!
8. I don't get out into nature enough!
9. Time alone to think and pray and listen and just be, is probably one of the most important things ever.
10. It would be nice to walk the trail with the person I love.

Vacation Letdown

I am feeling a wee bit blue tonight. After the BFF asked, I realized that much of my emotion is post awesome vacation let down. Then I realized that I hadn't really relived the vacation like I normally do. Perusing pics, laughing at the days events, feeling it all over again. Isn't that what great vacations make you do...want to re-live them...and possibly not ever leave them?

Looking through the pics I laughed hard at the memory of Noah mouwing through the salt and vinegar chips while his sisters slept unaware. (I didn't realized that my headphones could double as a "headgear" in the event he ever needs one). Elsa spent much of the week practicing the fine art of barrel walking....and Olivia practiced being a constant 'big foot" sighting in every ones pics!
One of the highlights of the week for my kids at least, was the rock jumping. They had no fear..which is scary...and I was lucky enough to get a shot of the oldest and youngest jumpers of the day launching off together! (Kevin and 5 year old Noah). We did all kinds of new stuff for Michigan folk...river swimming, trail hiking, train track walking...complete with killer bee swarm and sting fest for Noah and I....but I got a great shot of the tracks...that's what counts! It was so fun and relaxing just to hang out at Kevin's with the kids, talking and playing in the yard and jumping bikes in the driveway. I was fortunate to capture a rare photo of Captain Underpants as well...oddly, he looks strangely like Kevin's son Sean! It was a great week that flew by all too fast. I wish we were all cramming into a living room tonight to watch a great movie together with brownies and ice cream and ALL the toppings! Now that I really think about it, my BFF was totally right. I am feeling a lot of vacation let down....mixed with a little bit of wishful thinking about life being very different....and filled with lots more pictures like the one below!

SERVICE ENGINE SOON

SERVICE ENGINE SOON----now there are three words you don't want showing up on your dash on the tail end of a week-long family vacation! But alas, yesterday, they did show up on mine...along with a revving noise and temperature gauge rising fast, in the middle of BFE Ohio, Beaverdam to be exact. Nothing there except a couple of truck stops and a whole lot of corn!

The kids and I coasted into the T/A Truck Stop( and honestly, T/A? could they not think of something a little less idk, suggestive?)...popped the hood, and then I proceeded to check dipsticks and fluid levels, trying to ascertain what exactly was up. A cursory inspection turned up nothing suspicious....at least to my untrained eye...(seriously, what the heck did I think I was gonna do if I actually did find something wrong...I certainly couldn't drop down and "weld" anything). While talking on the phone to my personal "car expert", a behemoth of a truck driver ambled up and stood quietly by until he could offer his services. Turns out he noticed my Michigan sweatshirt and actually lives only about 15 miles from me...he diagnosed some transmission issues with a quick look at the fluid color...(brown when it should be bright red), and found me a service station on his GPS. All the while, we talked about his truck driving career...which he started 5 years ago after a young woman broke his giant heart. He thought, wrongly, that driving a truck would help him forget how much he loved this woman. He didn't plan for the endless hours alone to think and rethink every aspect of the relationship, and the lonely days with little or no companionship at all. I didn't have much to say about all of that....except that you can't run from how you feel, and even when you want to change it, sometimes you can't.

Then I was off to the service garage...which didn't service anything but "big rigs". I thought my full mini-van should qualify...but nnooooo! The mammoth bald, tattooed skin head behind the counter did offer to call a couple of locals for me. Both of them were "just on their way to Sunday night church, but they would be glad to stop out in a couple of hours, after prayer meeting." The guy behind the counter snorted and kinda scoffed at that. He mused a little under his breath something about that being the thing about "those christian religious people" that didn't seem quite right. To his way of thinkin, helping someone with a need was what "those people" were "supposed" to do, isn't it? I treated the question as rhetorical.....but shoved off on my way, since apparently Jesus wasn't gonna drop by and turn my brown transmission fluid into wine anytime soon.

I made it home. But on the way, I thought alot about those two conversations. The first man was trucking because he was running from the pain someone else had inflicted, and he ended up more lonely than before, because he finds himself totally isolated and alone. The other guy doesn't claim to be a "religious" person, but seemed to understand what Jesus was about more than the folks on their way to Sunday night service. It made me think again about how He created us to be really....in relationship with Him and other people...to help other people along their journey when they need it...to just plain journey together with other people, some that we are closely intimate with and some who may just cross our paths occasionally. I found myself hoping and praying for more opportunities to just share life, and for the ability to discern the difference between "Sunday night church" activities and living the life He wants for me. The whole thing has made me think about how much my own engine needs servicing.....personally speaking.....all in all, my little car trouble is turning out to be a good thing for my heart....which has started to need some overhauling these days too!