How often

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and he posed a question something to the effect of "How often are we just going through the motions of the expressions of our faith and how often do we get it messed up....and how do we learn or practice or just live in the relationship?" And do we really know what that is....to not be going through the motions? (That isn't exactly how he said it, but a paraphrase from my perspective)

Over the last few days, that idea of how do I separate my relationship from the One who loves me and created me to love Him, from the expectations of others who see faith as something expressed in large part by participating in the "busyness" of church life. Right now, I am stepping a little away from the busyness, and honestly, I think it is a good thing. I am realizing that my relationship with Him has been clouded by what I percieve others expectations are from me. Recently I had a conversation with a friend who has been steeped in the observances of religious life....the services that are attended, the places she shops, the things she needs to boycott, the satelitte network she uses....even her attitude in labor...she actually talked about being in so much pain and her husband was kinda being a little less than empathetic, and she wanted to yell at him or something, but she said "I was a good christian example for the nurses, and I just kept it all inside."

Is that what this life and relationship is about. In order to be a "good christian, or good christian example" do we have to stuff things all inside? I tried that for 19 years. And yeah....not so much! Over the long haul of things, I don't think that was what God expected or wanted or demanded of me. I think somewhere along the way, some idea or some other persons expectations of what a "good christian example" is got in and screwed up what He wanted from me all along. I am not saying that He doesn't want us to express our faith at all...or even be a part of a larger body of followers...but He wants the relationship to come first...and everything else to fall into place as He leads and guides my heart.

He has never intended for me to stuff things in, or to be phoney in any way. He wants and loves the real me....(which does not give me free license to be coarse, raucaous and inappropriate...or even to follow Brittneys lead of "Whoops, I did it Again) He wants openness, willingness to be out there...living my life with other people who don't know Him....He wants me to be real and honest with other people on this journey. I want the relationship but right now, I am trying to figure out how to not mess up other peoples ideas or expectations of how the expressions or observances of my faith look. Because in yet another conversation, with yet another friend, she said something to the effect of "you are such a good person, you're so much better than I am...I just rarely make it to church." Bluauaahahhahghghghgg!

Rising up out of my chair I nearly screeched at her....."are you kidding me? Being in church or at home in my garden doesn't have any bearing on how good I am! And especially in comparison to you...seriously! She had said this after we had talked about praying...and how for her it is just something she finds herself doing constantly, like an ongoing conversation! (Sounded very like she had things right) And if only she had been in my head recently while I sat in a service....well...honestly the things in my head....well...if I had been in that ongoing conversation, maybe they would have been different things! A good thing that came out of that services though was something said from the pulpit...or actually the runway...but the speaker said something similar to what my friend had said earlier in the week. He said "How often do we get the principles, but never know the person of Jesus? How often does that happen and to how many of us? And why have we let it continue for so long?



Right now, in this place in my life...I'm wanting very much to make sure I have those things in the right places, and order. Just a few things