Trust...Confidence..and Assurance

Trust.

Implies instinctive unquestioning belief in and reliance upon something.

Confidence.

Implies conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, or past experience.

Assurance.

Implies absolute confidence and certainty.

Curious how these three words are intertwined...and in many ways build upon each other or reinforce each other...either in a positive way, or when they are lacking, negatively.

I wonder sometimes if life and its circumstances lump events together to test our beliefs or abilities to hold fast to mindsets or convictions, or if these things happen in clumps just randomly and without purpose. Possibly, it is that when I am evaluating or questioning my own judgement that everything seems to fall under the same umbrella of stupidity.

Being naturally wired to trust without question, to rely on people, things or circumstances with confidence, assurity.....I often find myself in the middle of the negative repercussions that happen when those things are ill placed or ill deserved.

I am finding more and more that I am viewing people and situations with a little more cynicism, skepticism and lack of faith. Questioning my own instincts is becoming second nature to me....and to be completely honest....I CANNOT STAND ANY OF IT!

I long to be able to trust people and situations to do and say what they say they are doing or will do. I long to be able to believe in and rely on guidelines and protocols to protect and provide in the ways that they should. I long for the day when doubt and uncertainty do not enter my mind.

And I am reminded that my only certainty is in the One who created me. My assurance comes only from Him and rests in Him. In this world, there will be uncertainty, that people and things and systems will falter and do not deserve my unwavering trust.

....still....I hope and long for utopia...at least my utopia!

Unexpected grace

There are sometimes moments, or pauses in the everydayness of life, when I am confronted with a memory or an emotion that I didn't realized I had or felt. Which kinda doesn't make sense...but last night/today I was awash with just such a moment.

After a harrowing few days of worry, driving, praying and hospital sitting....I found myself home at last with my oldest daughter....healing from an abscess on her tonsil which landed her in the hospital for a couple of days. Driving to the drug store to pick up her prescriptions, I was blindsided by a song, which for some reason unleashed the floodgates of all the emotions that I had desperately been trying to stuff inside for the last few days.

More than the release of tension from this event came out though. I found myself thinking of her, my oldest, and how blessed I am to have her...(and the other 4 as well). I remembered vividly a time before she was born, when I believed that I would likely never have children. Because of a series of bad choices I made when I was younger (understatement), I had come to believe that God's consequence for my actions would certainly be to withhold a family from me. I believed this, and actually had accepted it without anger or bitterness....I believed, like many others sometimes do, that I would get what I deserved.

Then I found myself pregnant with Savannah....during the whole thing, I waited for something to happen. Something bad. And it never did. During my pregnancy...one day alone in our apartment, I was reading about God and his forgiveness, grace...and a quote from a teacher about His grace being a free gift that we don't deserve or ask for...unmerited favor! In that moment I knew that I wanted this grace...I wanted to believe in it, to believe that God wanted me to have it....from Him...a gift. I knew in that moment Who I would follow my whole life....and that He had already extended His grace, in the child that He had created inside of me. That was my first glimpse of His grace....and today....in the car the choices that I had made so long ago came flooding back over me....along with the very real knowledge that He had extended grace despite them. I don't often look back with regret or remorse....but today I experienced sorrow and a sense of loss for a child that I never had....and huge joy, to be here in this moment with the 5 that came later.

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the busyness of life and single parenting.....and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and just straight up hard work of it! Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the everydayness of life and I forget Who is guiding mine. Fortunately on days like today, He gently reminds me exactly how much He has loved me, and how much He always will. He reminds me of how huge and endless His grace is.....and that He extends it freely....especially when we don't deserve it!

Summer

Some things about the last few weeks keep replaying in my head. Good stuff, fun nights and afternoons with friends. The kind of times that cannot be recaptured, or redone, no matter how hard we may try...some things just happen...when you spend time with people that you love unconditionally and completely. Take for instance this moment below. These two women are dear friends to me....and one of them just HAD to get a recipe written down....evidently before the other one was too confused to remember it!

This moment at the beach....actually the whole day....top down on the jeep...boys bitching in the back seat....and then these two chums rolling and playing in the sand and the inland cess pool....completely oblivious to two facts...l. They were rolling in warm pee water. 2. That this day and their summer days together were quickly coming to a close!

...we knew it was ending soon....and photo ops like this would soon be gone!

This is by far my funniest and dearest memory. My BFF crying and sitting on my counter...always one to look for a silver lining....she dug deep this night and BELTED OUT the eternal cheer booster.....THE SUN'LL COME OUT...TOMORROW...BET UR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW.....THEY'LL BE SUN! ahhahahahahhahaahahha

I have always know that my BFF can't really sing....but on this night, with the tears and the Mikes Hard Lemonade.....it was never more glaring....or endearing! I love this woman. I miss this woman....she is amazing and courageous, and KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN! But now she's gone, back to the dirty south.....and I am sitting here incredibly thankful for the fun weeks of summer that we just lived to the fullest!

Impulsive

Sometimes I act impulsively. It's an undesirable personality trait...and sometimes when I do something...I don't really think through all the ramifications of the action or act.

In the aftermath of just such an action...I wish more than anything that I could just turn back time a wee bit...just a smidge...

But instead I am left now reacting....and going to the beach to try and sort it all out in my head! Nothing like a good sunburn and a day splashing in the water to block out impulsive actions! I think that's called avoidance, another excellent trait I possess!

Reclaiming

In recent days, or perhaps weeks, I have stopped some things that have been routine for me. In the process, I am now finding myself not feeling so much like me. Today it occurred to me, that this may be in large part, because of the things that I am NOT doing, as opposed to some of my more worrisome thoughts, that it because of the things that I AM doing.

I have not read much of anything that makes me think. Oh, I have glossed over some morning Bible passages...GLOSSED OVER being the operative phrase. I feel like I am reading but not thinking.....just monotone in my head, close the book...and off. Same goes for the couple of books that I was into. Nothing. Blah. I need some new material. I need to spend some time at Barnes and Noble...or some really good suggestions. I want a great novel that I can lose myself in and fall in love with the characters and feel a part of their lives. (Not, like creepy, "fall in love", like in Harlequin Romances, but just find some community of friends between the pages) I need something that makes me think and dream outside of the box too. Something real....like Anne Lamotte...but maybe someone new.

Since I have been out of school, I have also found myself not writing as much. This I know is because I am avoiding writing about things I know I should be writing about. Things and life that might actually be of value to someone besides me. But the problem with that is, I don't really want that to be what I have to say. Although I have no idea what I actually think I do have to say....I got not a lot else currently. Just the one thing that keeps nagging at me. (my avoidance factor is kicking in big time on this, but now I'm feeling like I'm running on fumes in my quest to avoid it).

Finally, the gym. Or the trail. Or the bike. Or the floor. Or actually anything that has anything at all to do with getting off my PHASS and moving! I can whine and complain all day about this....but ultimately, all my whining only makes me more pissy! (because I hate whiners)

I'm not quite sure what to do about all of this. Taking action and taking charge of myself again might perhaps be a great start. Becoming proactive about my own life....no one is going to make me happy forever if I am not happy with myself. Slowing in the course of my afternoon, which has been far to introspective and self abasing...I have started to see the light again....on the path in front of me....I hope I know where that path is leading....and as it twists and turns I want to enjoy and soak in every second of it.

Tomorrow.....I'm reclaiming myself tomorrow!

SWEAR WORDS

Tonight I had the joy and sheer privilege to sit at my counter and lounge on the couches with these two amigos.....

Watching them interact and listening to them I was completely taken in by the similarities in their relationship to the one I have with my BFF. The littlest one is my BFF's son...he's 5. Mine is 7. They are bon hommes! Chums. Pals. Buddies.

They also know a lot about swear words. The also like to share their knowledge with others, especially grown ups who, struggle to maintain calm demeanors as they "couch" their knowledge in just such a way so as to not to get their mouths washed out with soap. Nolan proclaimed at the counter tonight..."in my town there's a road...Dam Neck...(and then he grabbed his little neck with 5 year old pudgy hands and grimaced) and said..Oh, my damn neck!" Then he stuffed in a huge bite of pizza to hide is smile! My response? Oh, yeah, that's not a good word. Then Noah said, "hey, does your grandma say the S word? " Nolan just stared and said, (while still munching his pizza), "you mean like Holy bleeeep? That S word?" Noah: "I think so, do you spell it S-H...." at which point I felt obligated to step in and try and steer to conversation in another direction. (and I am left to wonder which one of their grandmas use that word). Which somehow lead to H-E-L-L....which, segued into....the mother of all swear words.... S-U-C-K! (I was only too relieved to hear that this was the "biggie".

Eventually they got back to topics that I was far more comfortable with....although honestly, Godzilla, and Mothra, and King Hedora didn't make me laugh inside as hard....and then we were off to look for the above mentioned monsters at the video store.

They are nestled in the chair, with trucks in their hands, running commentary through the whole movie....and it has started to hit me that these days with our BFF's are numbered. We are into the final week....I don't want the boys to realize this now...I want them to think that days and nights and conversations like the ones above will happen forever....I want to think that too! Tonight I'm going to pretend like they are!

A recap

Sitting here tonight, I am exhausted. My day though, has not been that difficult, and so I was sitting here wondering what in the frog I'm so tired from. And then I started browsing through the recently loaded photos and I was awash with memories from these past 7-8 days. Many of the really good moments are only captured in my mind, but some of these from the 4th of July made me smile.

After driving from Knoxville the day before and arriving home at about 130 am, we got up and drove another 2 hours to enjoy the Independence Day festivities in northern Michigan. Hometown parade, amazing cookout, jet skiing and fishing, sunning....and to begin the nighttime cap off...a campfire. And no campfire is complete without Michigan Koegel hotdogs. John and Kevin....(not natives) were captured for all time enjoying the delicacies of the Michigan frankfurter. (This was Kevin's 1st foray into the world of the koegel vienna....and the next day he was introduced, albeit hesitantly, to the koegel pickled bologna!) Noah was intent on stuffing in as many s'mores into his little gullet as he possibly could!

We headed out for the fireworks display a wee bit early...to ensure getting a "good" spot on the beach. We had plenty of time to hang out and relax...and of course watch the kids DANCE with sparklers! (I am fairly certain that this is an unsafe practice, and if this picture ever gets out, we all better hope Grandpa John never sees it!!) But not one was injured..no sparkler spikes in any feet bottoms so it was all good. The night capped itself off with the most amazing fireworks display I have ever seen....the were directly on top of us...we could feel the vibration in the sand as they launched them...and ash sprinkled down on your blankets as the lights faded...again...not something we want GJ to get wind of!

This was only the beginning of a friend and fun filled relaxing weekend....all of it was fun...but on the sleep deprivation end...maybe we all got a little shortchanged! Hence my feeling of malaise tonight. Or quite possibly its just that it all seemed so natural and fun and relaxing that I wish.....well....its not ll:ll yet so I'm saving my wishing....

Foment

Most days I am certain that I know myself. My strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and "features", but today...not so much. Today I am feeling pummeled by emotions and thoughts that seem to be not mine.And by pummeled I mean...I can't fricken get away from them. The BFF told me I needed to take a brisk walk.

Check.

Then I decided to do some shopping...(that's something she does).

Check.

Nap.

Check

Oh, yeah, I forgot...in the middle of doing all those things...I have been praying....as pathetic as it may seem to God currently....it hasn't really been like deep, reverent prayer, but much more akin to, "help me get away from this stuff...I don't like it, want it....I don't understand it...". I feel like a a dog, frantically trying to chew off a collar, or porcupine needles from its nose...as hard as they try, they just can't get it off or out. Mostly I don't really know where it's all coming from either, which makes me even more flummoxed.

So, here I sit....out of sorts, off kilter....and a wee bit emotionally unstable! NICE!

Then I was reading, and learned a new word. Foment. It means to take a cloth dipped in warm water or medication and apply it to a body that needs healing. Actually foment means poultice...but that's what you do with it. That's exactly what I feel like I need tonight. I just want God or someone to foment my currently "un-me" effed up mind, and emotions and I want to just "BE"!

I want to be all the things that I like about me...sanguine, Pollyanna, trusting, open, holding nothing back.....I wish I wasn't a conflict avoider....I wish I had the "calls" to just speak out loud to people that don't really know me....for right now....i really wish I had a poultice!