Sometimes I pretend

Things happen for a reason. You just need to "find your place with it and figure our where to file it." Words I have heard often, (and often laugh about) from a dear friend.

I'm not sure I believe the first part....sometimes I think stuff just happens. Not exactly randomly, but just....cause/effect...handwriting on the wall....or just plain HAPPENS. Sometimes it is in our grasp to understand, sometimes not. Sometimes and some things I don't always want to "find my place with" let alone "figure out how or where to file it." Sometimes I want to pretend that life is perfect and there just isn't any "stuff."

Tonight I'm pretending lots of things. Like for instance, that there are not 5 loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I'm pretending that Alice just ran to the market and will be home soon to fold it all. I'm pretending that the person I love most will be here soon, (like tonight soon, not next week soon) and we will have homemade chicken soup and crusty rolls together. I'm pretending that my BFF is just down the road and that if I need her or if she needs me, that either one of us can be fully present together in under 2 minutes! I'm pretending that I don't have kids at a movie theatre and that I will not have to leave my house and go out into the rain and cold in 2 hours to pick them up. (on that one I'm actually pretending that they are still too young to be dropped off to see a movie alone with 3 friends...and BOYS!)

Tonight I'm pretending and not "filing" or "finding my place."

Tonight I'm just trying to get through it.

175th Anniversary

Yesterday was the 175th anniversary of the church that I grew up in. This was a big deal, especially for my parents, who are Presbyterians of a sort that are not often seen. Fully dedicated to the local church....fully and completely sold out to Jesus example of being servants.

Over the years, I have been known to scoff at my Presbyterian heritage....my "religious" and "spiritual" training was dubious at best. I of course, in hindsight, take much of the responsibility for being, at the time, somewhat unteachable...if not out and out belligerently opposed to all manner of instruction. Yesterday, sitting in the place where I spent every Sunday from the time I was in 2nd grade until I graduated, I realized that there were some foundational things that actually did permeate into my heart, mind, and soul...way back then.

Sitting in the padded pews before the service started, I spent some time just looking...taking in the visuals. Stained glass windows of a sort that I am certain are no longer produced, with sunlight streaming in, creating the warm lighting that welcomes all who are illuminated by it. Tipping my head back, I marveled at the ornate painting which outlined the coved ceiling, it is bordered by slightly ornate wood, not exactly baroque, yet not gothic either. It was all warm and familiar, and as the new reverend began to talk to all who were gathered there, many like myself, not "regular attenders" any longer, he asked us to take a moment to reflect on the memories we had of this place.

At this point I was nothing, if not slightly uncomfortable, realizing that many of my fond memories, if brought fully into the light, might bring down lightening and fire from on high. I was thinking to myself, "if he only knew", and then felt a head turn and look back to my right...when I looked over, my eyes, and memories were locked in sync with someone who, all those years ago, was very much a central figure in those memories, and somehow knowing I wasn't alone in my reverie (however irreverent) made me smile. Broadly.

Not at the memories, or even the shared connection, but mostly for how God has chosen to work in my heart despite my choices. I smiled then and even now, in gratitude to my parents for the experience of it all.....if it were not for that, I don't believe that I would have ever known Jesus when I finally was able to hear him and see him in others.

I had forgotten what a pipe organ sounds like, fully throttled up, and being played heartily. I had forgotten what it sounds like when 300+ voices sing the doxology and the gloria. I had forgotten that I knew "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing", or that in the last verse there is a key change and a big ending. I forgot what it sounded like to hear 70 something sopranos singing the descant parts. (who am I kidding, I forgot what 70 somethings sound like singing period.) I had forgotten too, what it felt like to be sitting in a pew with my parents and family, feeling the pew shake when things start getting "dusty" for my dad, and how he looks when he presses his neatly folded hankie to his eyes in hopes that no one notices his emotions!

I sat there hoping no one noticed mine.