The Recital

In the hectic hustle and bustle of graduation and all the activities that were attached to it, and then finishing up the accelerated spring semester of college, there were events and occurrences which just kind of melded into life without a second thought.

Today, as I was drinking my coffee on the deck, something reminded me of my nieces vocal recital. A little background is in order here. My sister in law has been a staunch NON-SUPPORTER of any extracurricular events or activities. No dance classes, gymnastics, softball....until last year when one of her daughters tried out for cheer leading...they were activity free. I am not expressing any judgement on this decision one way or the other, my nieces are very well rounded young women...my sister-in-law did not make that decision to be mean in any way....she would just rather poke out her eye with a spoon than ever have to sit in stands, or attend concerts or recitals. She admits and touts this frankly, openly and with no apologies! When she has been invited, over the years, to attend my children's events, she has cordially and politely declined. Never once have I held this against her or judged her for her honesty....if I was more honest...who am I kidding...I just say it openly when attending...most of those events are eye poking and painful for me as well.

ANYWAY...back to my story...this year my nieces auditioned and were accepted into a musical/performance group called BJ Songbirds. Their end of the year event was a couple of weeks ago...my sister-in-law called about the event, the girls invited us...the SIL assured me that it was quite entertaining and enjoyable!

She neglected to tell me that at BJ Songbirds, they also give vocal lessons and this was the end of the year recital for those students as well! Can you say BAIT AND SWITCH? Once I realized what I was in for, my SIL was sitting smugly beside me stuffing down skittles like an addict!

Most of the evening was PAINFUL to say the least. Many young and old men and women want to be vocal stylists, but many should just be ok with being in the chorus, ya know. Seriously, as I was sitting there I thought, do they not hear themselves? Along with, if their coaches were indeed kind and loving folk, they would kindly and lovingly tell them to maybe try track or maybe curling next season!

...then "the girl" came on stage. Quite cute, seemed sure of herself, smiling at her coach offstage...music starts....first couple of notes a wee bit shaky....then blamo...forgot the words, forgot the tune, looked to stage right at coach, covered her face with her hands, began crying and started to bolt off the stage! I sat there thinking...(and I realize that this seems harsh) "Seriously, suck it up..you put in a lot of time practicing this song, you paid a load of money for these lessons...suck it up and finish the song!"

Her coach met her at the edge of the stage. She wrapped her arms around the girl who's head was on her shoulder crying. The coach picked the song up, singing strongly into her own headset while she walked the girl back to center stage. (in my head, and maybe out loud to the SIL, I thought/said..oh, my gosh, give me a break...stop being so dramatic). But as the song continued, the coach kept singing...never once taking her eyes from the girls....the whole time she was encouraging the girl to join in, and she did...several times...singing strongly a time or two...while looking into her coaches encouraging face..seeing her smile and nod...

The whole scene took on a different feel for me. The coach continued to love and support and BELIEVE in this girl..even when she was pretty much screwing up the thing she had worked hardest to do...probably over a very long period of time. And while it appeared to the girl and the audience that the girl had failed...big time...the coaches face and look did not express this at all. That girl knew, without a doubt, that her coach believed that she still had the best in her...that she was still amazing...that she was still valuable and still had a song to sing. The coach was holding her up, singing her part, when she couldn't...being strong when she couldn't be...and just waiting to turn it back over because she BELIEVED that eventually the girl would be able to sing the song on her own again.

How many times have my friends and people who love and believe in me done the same thing? How often have I returned that gift? Prayed when I couldn't. Believed when they didn't. Taken care of things when I didn't have it in me. Stood beside them no matter what.

The coach may have spent all year trying to teach that girl how to sing...but the best the best lesson she taught was on that stage....standing in the gap, until the girl was strong enough again to stand and sing on her own!

How often

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and he posed a question something to the effect of "How often are we just going through the motions of the expressions of our faith and how often do we get it messed up....and how do we learn or practice or just live in the relationship?" And do we really know what that is....to not be going through the motions? (That isn't exactly how he said it, but a paraphrase from my perspective)

Over the last few days, that idea of how do I separate my relationship from the One who loves me and created me to love Him, from the expectations of others who see faith as something expressed in large part by participating in the "busyness" of church life. Right now, I am stepping a little away from the busyness, and honestly, I think it is a good thing. I am realizing that my relationship with Him has been clouded by what I percieve others expectations are from me. Recently I had a conversation with a friend who has been steeped in the observances of religious life....the services that are attended, the places she shops, the things she needs to boycott, the satelitte network she uses....even her attitude in labor...she actually talked about being in so much pain and her husband was kinda being a little less than empathetic, and she wanted to yell at him or something, but she said "I was a good christian example for the nurses, and I just kept it all inside."

Is that what this life and relationship is about. In order to be a "good christian, or good christian example" do we have to stuff things all inside? I tried that for 19 years. And yeah....not so much! Over the long haul of things, I don't think that was what God expected or wanted or demanded of me. I think somewhere along the way, some idea or some other persons expectations of what a "good christian example" is got in and screwed up what He wanted from me all along. I am not saying that He doesn't want us to express our faith at all...or even be a part of a larger body of followers...but He wants the relationship to come first...and everything else to fall into place as He leads and guides my heart.

He has never intended for me to stuff things in, or to be phoney in any way. He wants and loves the real me....(which does not give me free license to be coarse, raucaous and inappropriate...or even to follow Brittneys lead of "Whoops, I did it Again) He wants openness, willingness to be out there...living my life with other people who don't know Him....He wants me to be real and honest with other people on this journey. I want the relationship but right now, I am trying to figure out how to not mess up other peoples ideas or expectations of how the expressions or observances of my faith look. Because in yet another conversation, with yet another friend, she said something to the effect of "you are such a good person, you're so much better than I am...I just rarely make it to church." Bluauaahahhahghghghgg!

Rising up out of my chair I nearly screeched at her....."are you kidding me? Being in church or at home in my garden doesn't have any bearing on how good I am! And especially in comparison to you...seriously! She had said this after we had talked about praying...and how for her it is just something she finds herself doing constantly, like an ongoing conversation! (Sounded very like she had things right) And if only she had been in my head recently while I sat in a service....well...honestly the things in my head....well...if I had been in that ongoing conversation, maybe they would have been different things! A good thing that came out of that services though was something said from the pulpit...or actually the runway...but the speaker said something similar to what my friend had said earlier in the week. He said "How often do we get the principles, but never know the person of Jesus? How often does that happen and to how many of us? And why have we let it continue for so long?



Right now, in this place in my life...I'm wanting very much to make sure I have those things in the right places, and order. Just a few things

The event

The event is over. And now, in the aftermath of what turned out to be a lovely day with many of the people who love gradzilla and us in general, I have a rare evening of relative solitude to look back on the events that brought us to and through today.

Only one week ago, in a last ditch effort to make the house "presentable", my living room was looking a little like picture l and 2.....and finally, after what seemed like no time, my dear friend had transformed my otherwise "jankey" living room into picture 3's inviting space. At one point today, while it rained for a bit, this room looked curiously close to what I imagine the "red tent" was like in ancient Jewish tradition. Seriously, almost every woman and young girl here were packed into this room, lounging and talking and laughing!

Last night, on the eve of the big day, when most people in my family would be frantically cleaning and doing other sundry preparations, I threw caution to the wind and just had fun with these two special women in my life. (pic 6) We painted our toenails, some of us sucked down way too many Mexican ales, and laughed, talked, spoke truth, expressed shock and loved each other unconditionally!



The preparations kicked into high gear when these three women arrived about 12:15 to "run" the show. They gave up their days today to help serve my guests, to make sure that the food didn't run low, and to infect others with their smiles! Seriously....look at these women smiling...I only wish I could record Paula's laugh on this blog....its very akin to an infectious cackle! Love these women!

And then, before I knew it, the party had ended. The last of the guests had left. Most of the cleaning up had been done. I looked out at the road and saw this pile....the spoils of the day! Nothing says "a good party" like 25 bags of trash and two full recycling bins! Currently, I am incredible thankful that I have a one- price- takes- all plan with the garbage men! This day could have put me into a serious financial crunch otherwise!

Going back into the house, I looked into the backyard and caught sight of the empty tent with tables, absent of cloths and centerpieces, chairs and people, and a wash of melancholy seeped over me. I feel a little like Steve Martin in the opening scene of Father of the Bride....exhausted from the work of it all, emotionally spent from the love that seemed to be every where I turned, and realizing that in the aftermath of this day, is the end of this chapter for Thing one. The graduation festivities are officially over...and she is officially on her way into the next chapter of her life.

Fortunately for me, I was able to be fully part of this day with her and for her. Even as I write this, I am listening and answering questions that she and her two BFF's are asking from them counter...as they stuff themselves with leftovers. The summer now awaits us...full of lots of exciting new prospects and adventures....and the memories that will linger from this incredible day....that took months of memories to get too...I wouldn't change a thing!

....the saga continues

In the ongoing saga of the open house....on Tuesday I finally located the tent...and they are indeed still planning on bringing it tomorrow to set up in the morning! YEAH!!!!

....my parents were here yesterday to "help", and we ended up with a plumbing issue that is still not totally fixed, but considering it didnt bother me to begin with, I am willing to live with the small spray that now comes out of the sink handles when you turn on the water in the MAIN bathroom that will be used during the open house! My mom spent 4 hours cleaning out the sliding glass door tracks...which, truth be told...I didn't even think were dirty to begin with...let alone 4 hours worth of cleaning with some kind of lye mixture, dirty! Apparently I live in squallor and don't realize it...and honestly, I am totally ok with that!

While rearranging the family room to make room for picture boards and tables, I knocked off the DVD/VCR.....shattered....broken...going to the landfill as we speak!

But I have a tent. And food...I ordered the food! It's all coming together.

My friend stopped by last night to look at gradzillas picture boards...and asked "who is this woman with your kids?" I looked over her shoulder and reeled back in horror...evidently I had a whole time frame of horrific hair and waxen make-up phase that I have blocked out...and evidently I didn't know my current BFF, because if I did I am certain she would have made me do something about myself! It was good that she stopped by last night...I needed a little brevity to be able to move forward.....

In the middle of all of this, I have realized a few things. Putting on an open house is damn hard work...but although I am the lone parent here, I have not been alone in this task. I have had much help and support from some of the most amazing friends that I can imagine. Not just in preparing for this....but even in raising and nurturing my kids. Without all of the people that God has put on this path with me, I know for certain that I would have crumbled long before now.....

So....broken DVD player and leaky faucets and all....I am looking forward to celebrating this weekend with all of the people who love gradzilla....and me...and who I am fortunate to be doing life with in this place!

Head in Ass

WARNING: If you are prone to excessive worrying and hand wringing...read no further...if you are a judgemental and pious finger pointer...read no further...if you need to feel better about your little bout of forgetfulness like say perhaps, you forgot to take the garbage out last night instead of this morning...then read on...you will feel much better about yourself!

When my dad comes over to my house, occasionally he finds some thing or another that I have forgotten to do, or misplaced or neglected. On these occasions he feels compelled to say as he shakes his head in scorn and dismay..."Carolyn..you need to get ur head outta your ASS."

As today has unfolded, I have found myself saying it to myself....the rub there is, that currently my head is so far stuffed up my ass that I am unable to hear anything but a muffled "wha, wha, whah, wha..." much like the peanuts adults.

Item l. Got up and went to class, only to discover that I had not read the syllabus correctly. No class today!
Item 2. Went to financial aid office, discovered that I need to turn in some pertinent information by Wed. to receive the financial aid.
Item 3. Went to consult with the 5-O only to discover that my PPO had expired...NICE! Just when I need it!
Item 4. Realized that I had neglected to order food for open house from the caterer...then promptly forgot again!
Item 5. Called to reconfirm tent rental...and realized that I had all the information EXCEPT who the EFF I rented it from....and no one remembers talking to me...
....and no one has tents left! MAJOR HEAD IN ASS!
Item 6. Received follow up mail about two important matters..l. My 2007 tax audit that I forgot to send verification information about...delaying my 521 dollar refund even longer. 2. Misplaced financial verification in another area, thereby making me unacceptable as a person in general!
Item 7. Didn't drag yard waste to curb...and now it will be yard ornamentation for the tent less, food-sparse open house.
Item 8. Ran into two people while out who did not receive invitations to said sparse and hot, shade free open house...who were distinctly miffed and did not seem to believe or accept my heartfelt apologies...and encouragement to just come anyway!

It is now 6:22. I want to go to bed. I haven't fed my family. I need to keep cleaning. I want to run away. I need to finish homework. I need some kind of grease or oil to unwedge this melon that is so far ensconced in my ass that I cannot for the life of me seem to get it out!

out of sorts

Out of sorts. That's how I have been feeling the last day or two. Oddly, even in the aftermath of some amazing and unexpected answers to prayer.

I have talked often of the thing or things I want most. Actually it is not just a thing, but a whole life with a person who has my whole heart. That life will not happen easily. Neither one of us is the easy or quick choice. After a brief interruption in our journey, it seems that maybe we can sort out the obstacles and find the path to becoming a reality.

Sometimes in the aftermath of very real conversations and huge dreams....the enemy of our hearts can step in and try and steal them away. I think that is happening right now. And while I recognize that, I feel a little powerless to stop it. If he (the enemy) could stop two families from becoming one, especially if that family combined is stronger and longs to follow the One who loves them more than any other, wouldn't that be a huge thing. I think one of the biggest places he attacks is the heart of families. Our two families separately are proof of that. The person who has my heart and I are both doing the best job that we can to raise kids who love God....but we long to do that together...to bring balance and perspective into each others worlds.

Anyway...even writing all of this, I still feel out of sorts about it all. I guess it all comes back to the BELIEVING that He is able to do EXCEEDINGLY AND ABUNDANTLY beyond what either one of us could ask or imagine. Believing that in the day to day when I can't be where I want to be...or with the people that I want to be with, that eventually it will happen...and that I have no interest in letting the enemy of my heart undermine what God promises to" those who love Him and are called according to His purpose!"

BELIEVE: THE ADDENDUM

A few other things I want to believe tonight......


That these peonies will bloom all summer, keeping me ever smiling and happy when I look at them in my yard and on my table.

....and that in the morning, when I wake up, the mulch shoveler and his elves will have emptied this trailer!

and that this hair is purely a horrific by-product of the humidty, and not a permanent atrocity that I will have to struggle with forever!

BELIEVE

My friend brought me this little rock today. She said she saw it yesterday, and felt compelled to buy it and then didn't. She claimed that her lack of listening to her instinct caused her to be "gloomy". So, in an effort to snap herself out of the gloom, she went back and got it today.

We haven't talked in the last day or two....she had no idea how much I really needed to be reminded to just believe. I have been believing something for a long while now. I have been waiting and believing....and I think maybe....idk....but anyway...just when I think maybe...I started to let a little fear and uncertainty creep in. A little over thinking and second guessing...and WHAMO....I took my eyes off of believing.

It comes as no surprise now, that just when I was faltering, someone who cares about me, who has believed with me...(or at least plied me with wine in her hot tub while I struggled with it), felt the nudge to pick up a reminder for me. She said she thought it might be a little "jankey", but she didn't care...I can put it in my unmentionable draw if I want! I'm not putting it there...It is right here, where I can see it first and last everyday, just in case I start to let it slip away again.

missing

These days my dear friends are leaving in flocks. This going away party was sooo sorely lacking one dear friend in particular, that some of us just went ahead and pretended like she was there. First, Zac wanted to talk and laugh about all his old memories from his "manny" job last summer. Then Darrel just wanted to explain (once again) why she couldn't go "staff lunch". Anne and I just were pissed off that she left and wanted to glower and plead with her to come back. Anne thought she might just be ticked off and ignore her. Dave and Darrel just wanted one parting picture of the "dream team", the three amigos....and Anne and I realized we just wished she was sitting there hanging out and laughing with us. We mused on this day, where was are friend now? What was she doing while we were missing her. And then we found out........



...here she is...living the dream in her "quick set" pool...in the DIRTY SOUTH!!!

Knowing is not believing

Occasionally when I am re-reading something that is familiar to me, I am careless with the words, and in my mind somewhere I am thinking, "yeah, yeah...I know this, or that....", or worse, I think, with an air of superiority, "Oh yeah, that's true, and I kinda nod...as if to confirm for myself that I believe or actually do what I am reading..."

I caught myself tonight. I was re-reading this passage..."that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, beyond what we could ever ask or imagine..." There I was, in the chair....thinking, how true I know this to be...and then it hit me.

In a number of circumstances on my mind and heart currently, I believe that He can do what I am asking, or imagining....but I am not truly believing that He can do MORE...and exceedingly and abundantly beyond....?

I want to believe it. I want to believe it for me, but also for other people too. I want them to know it and believe. Tonight I am wondering....how do I do that...how does anyone. Is believing this and other things that God claims or promises just a matter of knowing, reading and understanding.

Does my fear, doubt and worry get in the way of fully KNOWING this? I don't think it is really just an issue of knowing though. But maybe it is something that I need to just keep repeating, keep re-reading, keep in front of me....and after a time, maybe I will embrace and understand it. Maybe it is the process of time that takes what I know and transforms it into that which I can totally believe!

For Beth

So today, after a night of no sleep because I was chaperoning a senior celebration/lock in last night...I am feeling really, really good. Its prolly just the cycle of the moon...but right now I don't really care.

So, while in my really, really good...feeling like I'm all that kind of mood...I went to the grocery store. Kinda strutting it up while flying through picking up some stuff to make dinner for some friends...I see and acquaintance and smile...again...thinking I am ALL THAT.....i careen around the corner and totally take out a CASE of wine....Merlot actually....and i kinda wanted to just get down and suck it up...but that would have been very unsavory....and counter productive to my thinking I was all that....anyway...I schlepped outta there...and proceeded to the hardware to get yet another key made for one of our cars. While there, I struck up another jaunty conversation with someone at the register...again...kinda cocky....when I went out to get in my car there was a Pool van next to my car...with one of those kinda scruffy pool guys in it....so while i was smiling at him I threw open my car door....and SCREAMED....the man from the register was sitting in it!

Of course...it wasn't really MY van....just a look alike....so there I was, again, schlepping away from that encounter....totally horrified at myself....but laughing.

My whole peacock attitude I realized is because the song "This is why I'm hot" is playing on repeat in my head.....and I've been believing it.....AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Ah...the power of the not so subliminal suggestion.....

I'm just glad..."You look so dumb right now" isn't on replay! Actually it probably should be!