The Tightrope is LIVING!!!!

Waiting. Currently, I'm having a difficult time with this verb; or action; or more accurately, this IN-action.

Over the past few days, I have become increasingly restless, emotional, and frustrated. Maybe I've written this before, I don't really know, its been so long since I've sat here, but anyway, here I am with this giant on my back, and I don't know how to shake it, or more importantly, why it weighs so heavily.

Until a few minutes ago that is. After a phone call where I was barely able to hold it together, I hung up and started to break into pieces. Even while it was happening though, I was struggling to understand why, why now, why so intensely is this waiting so hard? Why am I so frustrated by it? Why does it feel so familiar? That's where the truth revealed itself. The familiarity of the waiting. The things I'm waiting on, and waiting for are in large measure out of my control. I am ready to get on with life. I am ready to be doing whatever it is that I am designed to do, or just do SOMETHING. I'm tired of school, and the preparing to be productive. At this point in time, I could do any of the things I am wanting too with the skills and education I have now. I'm sick of the preparation. I just want to scream and get the hell on with life.

And, then there are the other parts of my life where I'm waiting. These areas I have even less control over, and my frustration is even keener. Tonight I realized that I spent a lot of years waiting for someone else's time table to be right. Trips were put on hold until after I wasn't nursing, and then put on hold longer in hopes that I might look better in a bathing suit(not my mandate), and that cycle continued for years....due to the five kids! Then there was waiting to host holidays until the house was perfect, or waiting to make time for others until Jupiter aligned with mars...waiting to connect until......you get the idea? I'm sick of waiting. I waited the first half of my life away, and there are lots of things I regret about that.

I'm tired of waiting. Waiting for the perfect timing, waiting for this person or that person, waiting for graduation....mine, kids.....there will always be something to wait for. But in the meantime, I want to LIVE! Fully, intentionally, and without waiting!

"The tightrope is living; everything else is just waiting!" ----Karl Wallenda

He said this about his life, about what he loved to do, which was first and foremost the acrobatic career he shared with his wife and family. Everything else was just waiting!