Recently, I asked a friend how long it took for God to answer when she started praying for something different. I liked her answer. "Not long."
But "not long" is kind of relative I think. A human pregnancy is "not long" compared to an elephants. The number of years it takes to get through school (elementary-high school), is "not long" compared to our life span. The time it takes to realize that you were going 60 in a 25 is "not long" once you see the police car!
My quest for gratification in the here and now, and my longing for change, couple together to cause me to be very impatient while I wait for "not long" to be a reality. I want to rush ahead and do whatever I can to help God out in answering my prayers. (Another misnomer, that His answer will match mine!) So...today I set out to see exactly what the Word had to say about waiting...(yes thinking I could find some passages to encourage my approach; rushing ahead and helping Him out).
....I will honestly admit that I don't really like what I read.
l. ...whatever my personal trial is; I am instructed to endure it, ride it out patiently....not for me...but for how MY patience, and MY suffering, and MY trial may help someone else! Well thats just great....I'm ready to know who the frick needs my example so I can fricken MOVE ON!! (just being honest)
2. ....I am supposed to be strong and take heart! Well, currently I don't feel like I have any strength left...so....hmm
3. ....and the most convicting of all....I am supposed to be patient, stand firm....and NOT GRUMBLE!(failing grade there)
Sooooo.....I admit, I am a little ticky about all of that, but not so ticky as to discount it. While I don't really like what I read, I know it is there to give me direction...instruction....guidance., and encouragement, which is exactly what I need while I wait for "not long" to become a reality!
....today I'm making a list of the things I know for sure:
l. I can trust my instincts....I am perceptive to a fault.
2. My kids will NEVER all like what i make for dinner.
3. Laundry will always be the bain of my existence...unless someday I am able to have Alice live with me!
4. I will never stop missing my friend....and the phone will never be the same as sitting at the counter.
5. God has a plan...and he never e-mails us the outline in advance.
6. If I buy something with money that I dont have, the car WILL break down.
7. My dad will notice the one thing I forgot.
8. Roots happen...before you know it.
9. I will never be able to kill the dog...no matter how badly I want too.
l0.Just when I think that life is all about me, someone calls or something happens to remind me that it is'nt.
These are just a few of the things that tonight I have been chewing on...for no real reason, or at least for none that I am divulging here...just some truths to keep me grounded..and reminded again.
......mom...I'm good enough!
Thats what this precious boy said with so much excitement and enthusiasm upon getting into my car after spending the day with grandma gloria. I hadnt of course realized that he at any point thought that he wasnt good enough, and good enough for what? Of course his boasts of achievment came tumbling out of his toothless(seriously down 5) little mouth, as he excitedly told me about being able to go down the big slide at the rec center for the first time..."with no one grown, nor the sisters!" ahhahahah....I love it when he refers to them as "the sisters." This boy is so precious to me...and his excitement and self confidence about being "good enough" causes me to stop and think about how I can continue to help him to know that he is good enough.
Of course I realize that in helping to shape his identity and self confidence there is a fine line between creating a monster puffed up with arrogance and instilling a firmly grounded sense of "I am good enough."
If there is one thing I can instill in my kids it would be that sense. Don't we all wrestle with that concept at one time or another in our lives? And how often do we avoid situations or challenges or opportunities because we feel like we arent good enough?
Looking back on my life, I see several places where I should have stepped up, taken the risk, faced the challenge, but I didn't think I had what it took. Not a lot of places....a few....my parents did a prettty good job instilling that self-acceptance thing.....sometimes I just let myself believe others lies. Fortunately, I believed that He thought I was "good enough" to love and be His child....and when I was presented with the opportunity to follow I said yes! But I also have realized that while I didnt need to change to be His, I do need to allow Him to change me into more of His image.....because He wants me to be!
....so, today, as I sent Noah off to school, hugging him and kissing him, I tried to remind him that he is doing a great job, and that I believe in him....and I came back inside and prayed that he knows that he will always be "good enough." And I thanked Him for believing that I'm "good enough," and I'm stepping up and facing the days challenges.....fairly confidently! Thats enough right?
Currently there is a battle raging inside me...in my head and my heart. Given that I despise conflict of any sort...this battle is not good...no matter what the outcome And saying that there will be an outcome is a big statement right now....I am beginning to think that with all of my lists of pros and cons....my weighing of all options currently available for my consideration and under my scrutiny....that there will be no resolution....that many of my questions will continue to go unanswered, my quest for clear vision and direction will continue to be cloudy and that I will continue in this downward spiral until I just am too worn out to fight anymore!
...okay...looking back on that entry I realize that "fight" might be a strong word (possibly hormones talking...ahahhaha). A better word to describe this internal struggle is more of a pull, or lack of clarity or direction. I want to know one thing....and that doesnt seem like much. Everyone wants to know one thing, especially this one....but it is also the one thing that more and more I hear people, especially people my age asking...or re-evaluating....why am I here, what am I really supposed to be doing, is it enough, will it ever be enough, is there any way that I'll ever know that the choices I am making are the "right" ones? Ok...so thats a couple more than one thing...but I kind of lump that into one thought and question.
That might be what is causing the turmoil...too many of the just "one" things in my head.
I was actually hoping that in getting this out in the open that I would have more clarity...sometimes that happens...so I'm just sitting here waiting for some kind of epiphany to strike me and clear my head and guide my decisions and choices.....
....nothing yet.
Just left still with my mental list of pros and cons to every decision I make...currently the cons are winning.....and I am again looking for a distraction so I don't have to address the issues....
thats healthy right?
January 1, 2008 - Tuesday
...so it's the new year...but right now, I have to admit, that its not feeling so happy.
Although not unhappy, I'm struggling to find a balance. Emotional, relational, time...the whole package. I'm starting to wonder if there is such a thing as balance.
My mom has always been a big proponent of balance and practicality in life. But sometimes I look at her choices in the past and even now, and I wonder...does she enjoy her life? Is her sense of balance and practicality just a way to push out the desire for something more...better, deeper relationships, living life with a little more risk and adventure. When I look at her balanced life it seems a little empty of the things that I long to have more of.
Maybe it's just the holidays that throw things out of wack.
Maybe.
It is entirely possible that what I want the most is more of an idea than a reality...like Platos world of forms...there but not really.
Today in a house that is completely silent aside from the sound of my own typing...I am longing to be a better mom, a better friend, companion (lol), I want to take risks and live a life with no regrets or what ifs....to live with a sense of adventure....All I have to do is figure out how to balance all of that with the harsh realities that are my daily life.
I won't always be a great mom...especially in some of my kids opinions, I will let my friends down and give them suck ass advice, I am not always the best company, especially on days like today. And I have always been afraid to take risks and be adventureous....and a life without regrets or what ifs...that is the thing I believe is most possible.
Balance I have decided is overrated...feeling every emotion and loving deeply is way more important...even if it overwhelms and exhausts me at times....I would rather be exhausted than never having risked it all for the adventure.
December 13, 2007 - Thursday
Lately I have been battling with my notion of independence. I have no interest or desire to give mine up. I will hold fast to it until I am old and gray, and no one had better try and step in my path that wants to interfere with it. My mantra has become..." I am an independent woman, no one tells me what to do, or where to be, what to wear, how to think...blah, blah, blah". BS!
I looked up independent in the dictionary and this is what it says:not subject to control by others; not requiring or relying on something else; not looking to others for opinions or guidance.
Hmmmm....so, now I'm feeling pretty much like an ass. Because this is what I know about me: I do allow myself to be guided and controlled...just not by people. I rely on Him daily...and many times on people. And I look to Him for guidance in almost every area of my life, and I trust a few dear friends for their opinions and guidance in my life daily. Sooooo....while I've been freaking out about my independence in the last few days...I'm beginning to realize that true independence might not really be something that I desire.
Independence in that sense would be a life devoid of community. A life without the people I love and that have shaped me into the person that I am. It would be a life without God, or at the very least without trusting Him and following Him in the way He desires me to trust and to follow. That is not at all what I want.
What I have started to realize, albeit slowly, is that maybe my view of alot of things has been jaded by past experiences and influences. And maybe what I need to embrace in the form of a new mantra is something more along the lines of...trusting God, trusting people....and living in freedom!
December 9, 2007 - Sunday
....wow...when I sat down to write this, my mind was racing in one direction...and then Noah came down, bleery and sleepy with tears in his eyes with one thing on his mind. Hugging me and saying sorry for all his bad behaviour! Of course he followed it up with the excuse of ..."well the girls just are always playing with each other, and don't they know that I'm just a little boy that wants someone to play with me."
In that moment I knew exactly how he felt. I've been crying that excuse to myself for a while now. Mine sounds more like..."dont they know there is only one of me...I'm just a single mom trying to do the best I can and I just want someone, some grown up, to talk to, to spend time with...and yes to share my life with." The thing is though, that for Noah and for me....we both need to learn how to be ok when its just us. Just me by myself. And just because I feel like life isnt fair or fun or what I want right now, doesnt give me any excuse to have bad behaviour or a bad attitude. My kids and my friends certainly don't deserve to bear the brunt of my frustration and angst. When Noah wants attention from the girls he becomes annoying to get it. I so do not want to become like that.
This morning I was reminded in a song that more than anything God needs to be more than enough....more than all I want, or all that I need....He needs to be my everything. 6 hours after praying for Him to be all of that, I have already tried to crowd other things into that place.
So now, I will listen to the encouragement I gave to Noah. I will just keep praying for Him to help me change my behaviour, my attitude and to help me to not do or say the things that annoy or exhaust the people that love me most. I will pray, probably moment by moment for Him to be more than enough for me.
December 5, 2007 - Wednesday
Last night my friend had to impart discipline on two kids for the same misdemeanors....one volunteered to go first because he was "badder" than the other one. I can't imagine what it took for a five year old to voluntarily go first in an event that he must have known would end with a small swat of corporal punishment. I don't think I would ever sign up for the first time slot....and then there was the second one. Who was in another room listening....and anticipating his own turn. Of course his first question when my friend came into his room was "why is the other one crying"? I'm sure in his mind he knew the answer, but was hoping against hope that maybe his brother was just so sorry about his behaviour that he burst into tears! Thats what I'd be hoping.
While I can't imagine volunteering to go first, I also would hate to be second. Second sucks. Or does it?
I can't seem to shake the idea of being second, or coming after or following. Is that always bad? Does it mean that we aren't good enough to be first? To have gone first, be picked first? What about second chances? Are those just for people that screwed things up so badly the first time that they need a do over?
I don't think so. I think sometimes being second can be good. It means that everything you learned the first time or if you were wise, from observing those who went first, can be integrated into your turn or your chance. We don't always get to be second or have a second chance....so what I have been thinking is that second is good...second needs to be better than first..or at least better than the first time around.
No matter what it is.
November 29, 2007 - Thursday
Just when I was beginning to think that things could be changing...becoming a little easier...a little less...churned up....BAM!!
Heres what I remembered tonight:
l. Just when you think people are changing you realize that probably they never will.
2. No matter how often someone calls me names, I won't ever believe they are true. (which actually might not be a good thing, lol)
3. That needing to say all the things I never have will not make me feel better, I would feel small and mean and that is something I will never be.
4. Sitting in a half a million dollar home with thousands of dollars of christmas decorations would not make me happy.
5. A davenport on the front porch might not be a bad thing with the right person!
6. That God hasnt brought me this far to leave me...actually I knew that all along...and I relish the goodness of it.
November 26, 2007 - Monday
There was a moment yesterday when I felt much like the kid in the wonder years, observing life around me, and realizing that it was one of those snapshots in time that don't happen often, but that will resound warmly in my mind for years.
It was not an occasion, planned or structured...it was just life.
While I was sitting on my couch with the fire and the new tree up, I looked around me and saw dear friends and family, one curled up in a chair that nearly consumed her, hands wrapped around a steaming cup of tea, another friend relaxing on the other end of the couch....her 13 year old daughter sitting comfortably between us and laughing...one or two of my own daughters lazing on the floor...and the computer behind us..just ":qweefing around" in their words. I could hear my friends husbands upstairs watching a game, Zach and Tyler...voices and banter that make me smile. There were girls in the kitchen making a cake...and a mess, and looking out the door I could see Noah in the yard raking leaves (bless his heart).
This moment or snippet of time could not happen with planning...it just was...and I loved it...and all the people that were a part of it. I'm sure for them it was just a casual afternoon...but for me in that moment it was a reminder that life is good....MY life its good...I am content.
November 24, 2007 - Saturday
There is no such thing as a perfect day...but if there was..today would have been close.
Maybe because I'm comparing it to this day last year....but separate and apart from that...amazing. Lazy morning....no kids fighting...everyone in great moods...no one mad at me...perfect
Today was the annual cutting of the tree. A day we Doughertys look forward to as the advent our our Christmas season. Off we went to the tree farm 40 miles from home...backcountry for Michigan...5 kids, one boyfriend...bungee cords, tape measure, camera, mittens, gloves, scarves....and the key ingredient that can make or break the day...good spirits.
The day was filled with Christmas music (oldies rock Christmas music--poke out my eye), laughing with each other, at each other, talking to, with, and overtop of.....
Searching for the perfect tree....finding it fast, because of the fricken cold...we were happy...we are happy.....we are far from where we were last year and I am cognicent that God has been faithful again.
I am thankful and hopeful for a season filled with promise....and tonight I am basking in the aftermath of fun, that is sometimes so elusive...but for today was present and perfect in all of its glory.
November 22, 2007 - Thursday
It would be a lie from the pit of hell to say that this day is easy. I had planned on it being no big deal...to do the whole thing as planned, dinner with my mom, kids there and then with Mark later.
But when I woke up this morning I remembered alot of things that make this day special to other people. People that were once such a huge part of my life....and some that still are. Snuggling and watching parades....lazy mornings. Driving to Thanksgiving listening to Christmas music. All of those things that make the day special to them. And I realized that I had the ability to try and make those things happen, at least to some extent for them. So I put my plans to the side, and my pride and my comfort and my self righteous indignation...and my belief that in some way the day will get screwed up.....
So I have some time now to just be here and make my stuff for dinner, in a fairly quiet house....sans elsa and noah...and it has hit me...that I miss some of those things too. Those things were part of what was good. I think its ok to miss them, and to admit that I miss them. I wish I was making a huge dinner in a huge yellow house that seemed to hold soo many possiblities.....
This afternoon is filled with new possibilities....dreams for the future, people that I love and are dear to me to enjoy and laugh with....I don't want the loss of the old possibilities to keep me from enjoying today...and from dreaming of something different. And I'm not going to pretend that part of me doesnt miss what could have been.
Happy Thanksgiving
November 21, 2007 - Wednesday
Sitting here anticipating the upcoming holiday (or with lack of anticipation), it slowly dawned on me that I have some baggage.
I'm not unpacking it all here of course, because along with it is also the uncanny ability to bluff my way around recognizing or admitting it. Most of the time I love that quality about myself, but currently, I am realizing that sometimes you need to unpack...sort through, throw out, bundle off to goodwill, and somethings just get repacked. Thats ok. But in the process of unpacking I also unearth some amazing Thanksgiving memories.....
l. Growing up and having 30-40 of our closest family every Thanksgiving...and my cousins...a family with FIVE kids, that were always laughing and having a great time...even though their mom made them wear dresses and bow ties!
2. My mom set the table the week before---seriously 7 days, and covered it in plastic wrap!
3. Making the relish tray was my job!
4. Thanksgiving with my brother and his family in the yellow house.
5. Macaroni salad and eclair cake.
6. Grandma Smith and the mongloloids...ahahhahahah!
7. Shopping with DB at 430 in Lansing with walkie talkies and pop tarts.
So, baggage or not...I am thankful this year. I may be wishing that I could be spending the day differently but i am thankful for my family, friends, memories and even the baggage....but especially for the newness that each day is bringing...the things that make me scared, thankful and that are pushing me to unpack the bags
November 18, 2007 - Sunday
While the feel of yesterday is still upon me like a mantle....I am feeling myself pulled and twisted...and beginning to careen out of control. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How can two days of pure fun and no stucture and great conversations and hours of gut splitting laughter turn so quickly and leave me feeling exhausted and bereft. My house and heart have been filled to overflowing....and suddenly I feel alone....and somewhat adrift.
I'm starting to hope that these rollercoaster changes are somehow due to hormomes....but in the quiet and stillness of tonight, I am nearly convinced that I am turning into Mr. Hyde. My friend is gone. The realization of that is so overpowering....and crippling, and so incredibly sad. I am certain that when she was here, even in the last days that I didnt appreciate all that she is to me. All that she pushes me to be. All that she stretches me to think and contemplate...to not just sweep aside.
So there it is...this is all her fault...im turning into Mr. Hyde because she is gone.ahhaha... I wish too, that I could truly and honestly blame this feeling on those circumstances...but alas...I cannot. This mercurial ride of emotions is just that...a ride of emotions.
Am I supposed to be learning something here? Or just experiencing the emotions that I so want to run from. Because the bone honest truth is....I have no interest in experiencing anything that doesnt make me feel great. How shallow. How empty. What a cop out.
I'm not sure that there is resolution in this...at least not tonight...for tonight I think I will just run and hide from them a little longer.
Last night I decided to spend the weekend at home. No play, no homework, nothing but just "being". Which of course include running to the store, renting movies, back to the store, Y, store again....but the whole time was completely unstructured and unplanned. I love that. I despise structure. It makes me feel hemmed in and trapped.
So, in the middle of no structure, the weekend has included 4 extra kids, extremely loud music, one black eye, 5 movies....5 hours with my dear friend, 2 cakes, 4 hours of leaf raking, big time wrestling....and several phone calls that made me smile until my cheeks hurt!
At 745 on saturday night, I feel like my weekend has been full and rich beyond description. I am thankful and rested in my spirit. I feel refreshed and exhausted at the same time. This is how I love life! This is what makes all the structure bearable!! Kids and friends.
I've been having one of those weeks...no actually its been a lot longer than that, possibly months, when the truth is evident in everything I do, and everywhere I turn. That should be awesome. Confirmation from God. Always a good thing right?
Only I seem to be running from it. Avoiding it. Sidestepping it. Keeping myself busy in order to not address it. It should be getting easier for me to deny what is truth in my life....with all the avoidance of it, but the curious thing is, is that the farther I run, avoid or sidestep, the busier I make myself...the louder it rings in my heart.
I need to make changes. I need to to be reverent in the way that I live, to teach what is good, to be self-controlled, and pure in my thinking and motives and actions. I need to be kind.
I want to be all of those things. Why does it seem so difficult? Why do some of those things seem so contrary to how I feel like God wired me? Why would He create me in this loud, straightforward, sometimes crass or coarse way, only to instruct me to be different? How can I be "me", and still honor Him?
I realized today that the changes arent as huge as I percieve them to be. The changes will be subtle. They begin in my heart, where He is already trying to mold me into His image. They should be most evidenced in my speech, but also my actions. They can only happen if I am willing to give up control......that is what makes me most uncomfortable.
Today I'm giving up. Control. Comfort. My heart....yet again!
November 14, 2007 - Wednesday
Its so curious to me, the how and the when and the who that God chooses to remind and challenge me.
Last night at the Y, (of all places--sweating and panting on the bike), I started talking to someone I hadnt seen in a long time. We caught up a bit on life and the conversation turned to God....more specifically how easy it seems for some ppl to trust Him with everything...and not worry, or try to do things in their own strength....they trust His plan and rely on Him completely...and when life throws up a roadblock, they are not freaked out, but they trust.......I think those people have learned the value of guarding what God has entrusted to them...and they rely on the holy spirit to help. What a concept.
So I asked myself and Torrey, why is it that some of us struggle with that...even when we know and have trusted and guarded and relied on the HS to lead us before. Why am I so easily lured away from the safety and assurance that come with totally trusting God.
Disipline. That is why. I lack it. I need it. I run from it. Disiplining my mind, my spirit, my actions....and epiphany of all epiphanies....its how and where and with what I choose to spend my time with.....hmmm..the Word....sharing and loving other ppl like He did. That might be an awesome start.
And choosing to guard the good deposit that was entrusted to me---guarding it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in ME!
November 13, 2007 - Tuesday
Sitting here I am reminded of several things. First that even when I forget that He has a plan for me, He hasnt forgotten, Secondly, That His grace is enough.
So, why is it that I can know those two truths, and still question, worry, complain, freak out or turn my back on Him. I was reminded this morning that to do all of those things is so incredibly life sucking...it robs me of joy, it can consume my every thought, and distract me from all that is truly important. I was reminded that the journey is a choice for us.....and that being distracted from it only spoils all that He has for me. Trusting and following are sometimes a moment to moment deal.....and when I let my heart and mind distract me, I can become someone that I don't like....but fortunately He still loves.
And knowing all of that....why do I let myself be distracted!
Today im choosing.....and its hard....I think thats part of His plan too...if choosing to be all that He wants us to be was easy....when would be be stretched, challenged, or broken.....thats when His change in us is evidenced.....thats where I want to be. I think!
