Over thinking, over feeling...and other musings

Emotionally, I am all over the map today. I got up early and said good-bye to the person I never want to say good-bye too, and as he drove out of the driveway, I turned around and ran back to bed. To avoid breaking down, to avoid feeling what i didn't want to feel right then. Fortunately, he called me at 9:45 and woke me up again so I could jump out of bed and get ready to go to church.(He just didn't know he was waking me up!)

On the way I started to think about all that has changed over the last few years. The friends that have come and gone...the mountain tops and the valleys that have been climbed and crossed. Walking in alone, I started to feel incredibly sad. For a number of reasons, my kids hate coming to this place that they once loved being a part of. They are now more inclined to worship across town with their dad and his brother and their cousins. (Not really sure how I feel about that...well, actually I do know, I'm just being respectful and not saying) For reasons of my own making, I am not feeling as connected with the people here in this place these days either, and that made me sad. I chose to sit alone, not for lack of acquaintances or a couple of friends, but I just didn't have it in me this morning to put on a face. I sat and as the music began, I could not stop crying...I couldn't sing....I just sat and prayed....for my kids, myself, for all of those I wished were still there and aren't and for my heart....which somehow has become a little hard and brackish.

Throughout the service and the rest of the day, I have been seeking clarity in my vision, in my purpose. Somehow I find myself in a place where I don't even recognize who I am anymore. In some ways I have drifted so far from who I was and who I want to be that I wonder if I will ever get back to her. Maybe getting back to her isn't what God wants for me either. Maybe, possibly, if I am willing to put myself back into His hands, maybe He will help me to be something better, or at the very least different in a good way. Because after talking to a friend today, we both agreed, we have to be forward thinking....even if looking back makes us smile. Those days, and the people we were, the person I was, are long gone now.

At the end of today, the thing I have come to as being the most pertinent is this.....I don't want to continue along the path that I am currently on. I want to be more like who I was, only better, wiser for where I have been in the meantime......and for tonight I still need to weep....because the journey to that person seems incredibly difficult.