Mr. Hyde

November 18, 2007 - Sunday
While the feel of yesterday is still upon me like a mantle....I am feeling myself pulled and twisted...and beginning to careen out of control. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How can two days of pure fun and no stucture and great conversations and hours of gut splitting laughter turn so quickly and leave me feeling exhausted and bereft. My house and heart have been filled to overflowing....and suddenly I feel alone....and somewhat adrift.
I'm starting to hope that these rollercoaster changes are somehow due to hormomes....but in the quiet and stillness of tonight, I am nearly convinced that I am turning into Mr. Hyde. My friend is gone. The realization of that is so overpowering....and crippling, and so incredibly sad. I am certain that when she was here, even in the last days that I didnt appreciate all that she is to me. All that she pushes me to be. All that she stretches me to think and contemplate...to not just sweep aside.
So there it is...this is all her fault...im turning into Mr. Hyde because she is gone.ahhaha... I wish too, that I could truly and honestly blame this feeling on those circumstances...but alas...I cannot. This mercurial ride of emotions is just that...a ride of emotions.
Am I supposed to be learning something here? Or just experiencing the emotions that I so want to run from. Because the bone honest truth is....I have no interest in experiencing anything that doesnt make me feel great. How shallow. How empty. What a cop out.

I'm not sure that there is resolution in this...at least not tonight...for tonight I think I will just run and hide from them a little longer.