Balance

January 1, 2008 - Tuesday
...so it's the new year...but right now, I have to admit, that its not feeling so happy.
Although not unhappy, I'm struggling to find a balance. Emotional, relational, time...the whole package. I'm starting to wonder if there is such a thing as balance.
My mom has always been a big proponent of balance and practicality in life. But sometimes I look at her choices in the past and even now, and I wonder...does she enjoy her life? Is her sense of balance and practicality just a way to push out the desire for something more...better, deeper relationships, living life with a little more risk and adventure. When I look at her balanced life it seems a little empty of the things that I long to have more of.
Maybe it's just the holidays that throw things out of wack.
Maybe.
It is entirely possible that what I want the most is more of an idea than a reality...like Platos world of forms...there but not really.
Today in a house that is completely silent aside from the sound of my own typing...I am longing to be a better mom, a better friend, companion (lol), I want to take risks and live a life with no regrets or what ifs....to live with a sense of adventure....All I have to do is figure out how to balance all of that with the harsh realities that are my daily life.
I won't always be a great mom...especially in some of my kids opinions, I will let my friends down and give them suck ass advice, I am not always the best company, especially on days like today. And I have always been afraid to take risks and be adventureous....and a life without regrets or what ifs...that is the thing I believe is most possible.
Balance I have decided is overrated...feeling every emotion and loving deeply is way more important...even if it overwhelms and exhausts me at times....I would rather be exhausted than never having risked it all for the adventure.