Currently there is a battle raging inside me...in my head and my heart. Given that I despise conflict of any sort...this battle is not good...no matter what the outcome And saying that there will be an outcome is a big statement right now....I am beginning to think that with all of my lists of pros and cons....my weighing of all options currently available for my consideration and under my scrutiny....that there will be no resolution....that many of my questions will continue to go unanswered, my quest for clear vision and direction will continue to be cloudy and that I will continue in this downward spiral until I just am too worn out to fight anymore!
...okay...looking back on that entry I realize that "fight" might be a strong word (possibly hormones talking...ahahhaha). A better word to describe this internal struggle is more of a pull, or lack of clarity or direction. I want to know one thing....and that doesnt seem like much. Everyone wants to know one thing, especially this one....but it is also the one thing that more and more I hear people, especially people my age asking...or re-evaluating....why am I here, what am I really supposed to be doing, is it enough, will it ever be enough, is there any way that I'll ever know that the choices I am making are the "right" ones? Ok...so thats a couple more than one thing...but I kind of lump that into one thought and question.
That might be what is causing the turmoil...too many of the just "one" things in my head.
I was actually hoping that in getting this out in the open that I would have more clarity...sometimes that happens...so I'm just sitting here waiting for some kind of epiphany to strike me and clear my head and guide my decisions and choices.....
....nothing yet.
Just left still with my mental list of pros and cons to every decision I make...currently the cons are winning.....and I am again looking for a distraction so I don't have to address the issues....
thats healthy right?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
the battle
Posted by the laundress at 2:40 PM
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3 comments:
so how many of those things need figuring out right this minute? can't you table some of them and just be? quite trying to figure it all out, quite being so krista. what happened to my live in the moment, fly by the seat of her pants friend? :)
i love you, i love that you wrote today....let go and let God my friend....ahahhahaha....one day at a time......
dont you mean "offer it up"....ahhahah
and right now i feel like I NEED to figure at least some of it out....well...at least i want too...
and your friend who flys by the seat...she flys best with wanda!
ahahaha....i just realized i said quite instead of quit twice above....duuuuhhhhh.
love you mary anne, and you can fly with me in a few weeks!
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