Jamming Your Worries into a Crevice and Getting Out of the Way

I wrote this in August and for some reason didn't press "publish."  So here it is now...

Peace.  Something I, and literally millions of people around the world are in need of today.  These days.  During this time of global pandemic and devastaion.  Inner peace.  Peace of mind.  Peace that someday things will return to normal.  That life as we knew it will one day be again.  Peace that quells all of our "what ifs" and worries about the future. 

I am desperate for this peace.  Today,  reminders of this need for and promised peace has cropped up in all kinds of unexpected places. 
Waking, if you can call it that, as I really didn't sleep, there was a heavy longing for peace of mind.  
Something to assuage some unnameable fears or restlessness of my mind.  A longing for the freedom to grieve the passing of my dad unfettered by worries about my mom who is no isolated from all of us when she needs us most.  

I remembered reading about the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. A place where Jews have been going and leaving behind their petitions to God for hundreds of years. An act which I am certain brought them a sense of peace.  

I'm unsure if there are guidelines, religous or lay,  related to leaving your prayers and such there, but often people write down their worries and simply  stick the little scraps of paper in the ancient crevices. And then they just walk away.  Worry free?  Fears abated? Filled with peace?  From what I have read, that is the point of the action. 

While I've never been to the wailing wall, and honestly I probably will never go....the idea of writing down the things that are weighing heavily on me and sticking them in a crack somewhere seems kind of appealing. But then what? I think I would go back and pull out the paper and see if somehow God had penned back a solution, or a quick fix tip...or even a small word of encouragement to let me know that turning it over to Him was a good step. I'm not really good at relinquishing control. 

My big issue with anything that I need to turn over and let go of is that I don't do it completely. I seem to always rethink and come up with some different slant or angle and then think...hmmmmm...I can handle this thing or that thing again...I just need to do it a little differently. And these days? These "unprecedented circumstances"  are beyond my ability to handle, control or understand. This grief is a thing I cannot escape. Yet still, I busy myself attempting to handle it all.   So ultimately, I am back to a place  where  I need to jam the little scrap of worry or struggle in the crack to begin with, and where does that leave God?

Still there, just looking at me a little more perplexed by my lack of faith and trust. I think He shakes His head and laughs alot at people like me....the ones who say they trust Him, and try and put Him first. The ones who know, know, know that they know....

In the turning over and letting go of things, in the trusting and waiting....well, I kinda suck at that...its HARD.....

I read this today and it kinda helped my perspective a little: "Maybe turning things over is not the solution to everything but, you do what you can. Then you get out of the way, because you're not the one who does the work anyway."

All I have to do is turn it over....and then He does the work? Tonight I'm writing some things on scraps...and turning them over....cuz I am getting weary of trying to do the work. Oh yeah, and I need to find some kind of crevice to jam em in.....

...I can think of a couple of places....but I probably need to write those down too!