KAYSAK

A few short years ago, these 5 girls were permanent fixtures in my home. They were inseperable friends...in 9/10 grade...they cheered, went to dances, talked to senior boys, ate dinner at Olive Garden...

They called themselves KAYSAK....

Tomorrow they graduate. They are not the inseperable friends that they once were, but I am certain that they will all be remembering those days, tomorrow and in the days ahead. They helped introduce me, a new mom to high school life, to the ins and outs of the modern day life of teenagers.

There was nothing these girls would not say or talk about...or ask. When I first met them, most of them had not had their first real kiss. They had never had their hair done for a formal dance. They had not yet snuck out of a window to hang out on the lawn or a swing at 3 am with boys that could drive up quietly. They loved to make tons of food for bonfires and spent hours getting ready only to pull sweatshirts on over freshly done hair. None of them could drive, but they all knew "responsible" big brother types who would take them anywhere....(yeah..right)

Once they started experiencing stuff...they would spill it all, over boxes of waffles and Edy's Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough Ice Cream....or in the car, driving back and forth to Lexa's moms, or to Taco Bell....or to football games or dinner....

Looking back, I realize what a priviledge I had in sharing in these memories with them...that laughing, crying, agonizing, fighting....what an honor it was for me to be a part of their lives for this short while. I miss them. Together as a posse....but these days they have grown in different directions...some of still hang here...some I rarely see...some come in and out...and it is like no time has passed.....Katy, Ashley, Savannah, Alexa and Kelly.....I love you girls!

Today has been long. Not necessarily bad long...just long. An interview at Starbucks at 8AM.....then some hard core lawn mowing....complete with mowing up a rug...which led to some "issues", which of course I was ill equipped to handle...then it began to storm...so on to the inside where I helped Elsa HOE OUT HER STY (i mean room). One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was changing sheets, cleaning, vacuuming..the whole shabang....keeping busy is good...keeps my mind from drifting too far....

...then I took another kid shopping for shoes and unmentionables....the only thing worse than shopping for those two things is shopping for bathing suits and dresses...which sadly I did earlier this week for myself...GRRRRR.....

And now I have arrived back home....and I am going to indulge in one of my favorite luxuries....climbing into clean sheets, fresh with lavender spray...and read! On a beautiful spring evening with the wind blowing the curtains....pure bliss. At the end of a day filled with lots of things.....my haven awaits!

Interpretations

Soooo....sometimes I think hmmm...what are people thinking. Or rather, how is their interpretation of things so clearly different. Not right or wrong really...well, maybe sometimes, but just...different.

Take tonight for example. Someone offered me a beer. I asked, "Is it good beer?" and they answered, "Yeah, its good." So tonight I had my first, (and last) Miller Genuine Draft! Clearly not good beer. And also clearly not agreeing with me now!

Tonight someone looked at me and said "Oh, you polished your toes!", to which I answered "Yes, indeed I did." Later when I took off my new girly shoes...the same person looked down, chagrined and said..."I thought you said you polished your toes?" "I did....you didn't ask how many...I just did the 2 that showed in my shoes." (I little trick I learned from my BFF!)

Recently I had a conversation that was going to be continued "later".....I have learned that "later", or "in a bit" mean different things to different people. Some people think "later" means like in a few hours or a day or so....others perceive "later" to mean.....anytime at some point in the future...possibly weeks.....the same thinking goes for "in a bit." The time reference for those two words/phrases in clearly ambiguous.

I put in a job application a month ago...actually like 5 weeks. The manager said that they needed to hire some people quickly. He called today. To some people "quickly" means in a week or two, to others it clearly means "at some point in the future." Kinda like "later!"
Now I'm going to have to call the manager back and tell him that I still have a desire to work for his company, but I can't start work for "a bit."

Interestingly, I'm certain that coming from me, or from my perspective, that phraseology won't fly. I'm sure the job will no longer be available "in a bit", or "later." How unfortunate is that.

Anyway...here I am tonight, putting off my homework for a "little bit"....I'm also thinking about going up and rousting out a "good" malt beverage!

things creep up

Things creep up. Before you know it, time has slipped past, years actually...and you find yourself sitting up late on the eve of your child's very last, last day of public school. It's amazing the things that can run across a person's mind on a night like this.

Of course, this isn't how I pictured things to be. Therein lies its own sadness. Not only is life changing and moving forward for her, but it is for me as well. And on the cusp of this new phase in her life....I find myself a little frantic about my own. That in and of itself is something I didn't expect or plan or envision for this time.

This is all very surreal...I don't feel engaged in the process...it seems much more like I am reacting to the events rather than cherishing them or experiencing them to the fullest. It feels very much like life is spinning a little out of control around me....and the more I fight to keep it upright, the more it tilts and leans. Tonight I am finding myself wanting more than anything to put on the brakes...and experience the next few days in slow motion...to seer them into my memory....

Knowing that raising a responsible, albeit slightly "blonde" daughter has been a huge part of my life for the last 17 years, I am sitting here tonight wondering, What next? Somehow I know my role as her parent is never going to be over...but now things change a bit. I am a little fearful that in the next phase I won't do so well with the letting go part. The part where I trust what has been taught and modeled...the part where I watch as she grows into maturity, praying all the while that somehow she has "caught" some of the good stuff, amidst a sea of bad....

Tonight I have found myself feeling more alone than I have ever been....while she and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and remembered lots of stuff together.....tomorrow and in the days ahead she will be remembering lots of that stuff with her friends....but tonight was just for us....and sitting here now, I remember just exactly when I felt like this for the first time with her. It was the night she was born. After her dad had left the hospital, the nurses had done their rounds...and it was just the two of us there in the room...her snuggled up, in my arms, dozing in and out....and crying some too...I felt a little alone and uncertain on that night too....unsure of what lay ahead for us....on that night...I didn't even see this one coming!

All that is good

Every time I go on vacation with my kids, I am reminded that I am blessed beyond reason. For whatever quirky reason...we do well on vacation...things seem easier, we actually remember why it is that we enjoy each other. Vacations for us, bring out the best....and I realize how unusual that can be.

This weekend, despite highs of 63 and 58....we jet skied and tubed....for HOURS! The kids SHIMMED, and I do mean SHIMMED into wetsuits...and never complained..about the cold, the wind, taking turns....it was pure adventure and fun! Noah and Elsa fished...of course, if they didn't have an awesome Aunt Patty this would have never been possible...their mother and Uncle John would rather run the Boston Marathon NUDE, than put a worm on a hook or take a fish off of it!

We enjoyed lazy hours reading, talking, playing games, napping.....and of course American Idol playoffs on the Wii! Noah and Fiona being the current champions!

My sister is an amazing cook...and RELAXED AND EASY to work with in the kitchen....she also makes a mean low-carb margarita....(maybe its just me, but if ur drinking tequila and eating mexican...how many more calories are there really in lime-aid and triple sec...I'm just saying).

We cooked some great stuff and had enormous fun doing Highs and Lows around the table...its amazing, that when on vacation, it becomes increasingly difficult to pick a low....

I had some much needed time to think....no answers, but lots of thinking....I suppose that's good, although right now I'm back to the fence....the BFF empathetically says things are bound to change....they can't stay like this forever...I'm trying to believe her....in any event she also reminded me that she'll be here in 25 days!!!

Driving home today I was tempted to get all bogged down with the stuff that clouds my vision...and then I saw theses pictures from the weekend....and I'm reminding myself of all that is good and wonderful in today.

Just like Israel

Just a quick missive from northern Michigan:

BEING STILL AND WAITING....not so much!

Why is it that just when you think you have something down, that it becomes so much more difficult?  

I feel so much like the the Israelites, running from God...and not knowing it or really realizing it..while they were in the middle of it.  Sometimes I am left realizing that I put "this idol and that idol" or" this god or that god", in front of all that He truly desires from me.  And when it all boils down....does He want all that much, aside from my heart?  Not really.  

Trusting Him

Obedience

Loving Him before all else

That really isn't a big list....and I think that encompasses all that He wants from me....

Being still up here...well, that has been kinda hard....the being still in my mind.  The trusting.

I'm beginning to feel again, like the Israelites...impatient with His plan and wanting to rush ahead with my own...fortunately for me, I have had enough time being still to realize that MY PLANS SELDOM WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT....and, I also don't want to end up like Israel, in exile for hundreds of years, or dying in the desert before entering the promised land....

For now....I'm working on all of this...for now....who am I kidding..I'm gonna be working on all of this for a lonnnnggg time...just like Israel!

The weekend

OK, so I am sooo sneaking this little blog in while Olivia SLAVES away cleaning out the car...and by cleaning I mean she took out all the seats and like detailed it...I am supposed to be inside paying bills and finishing up last minute packing...and here I sit!

We are going to my sisters for a couple of days of jet skiing, beach lounging, and hopefully some margaritas....what I am most looking forward to while there is just having a little more time to BE STILL!

I am hoping to run along Lake Huron...my first non-treadmill venture...and just really listen and spend time with Him. I need a little space I think to ponder alot of things...and just wait. This week has been easier in that venture...(now that I said it, it will all change)...but I am learning that no matter how things change and shift in all of the lives around me....God is still God...and He isn't going anywhere...EVER!

When we get back, we have a cookout with still another set of dearly loved friends who are leaving this place. They were here for lunch today....and it took every last ounce of my energy not to just sit at the counter and blubber. They have been Jesus in flesh to my children and I, especially during the last few years...we have just "done life" with them...their two kids spent every day with me for the last 4 years...we have laughed and cried together....sat around campfires and counters talking and laughing for hours. This weekend will be our last picnic together for a long time I think. I am so excited for the new opportunities that wait for them....but I am despondent at the loss of their everydayness in our lives.

I guess that is how life is though....ebb and flow....changes happen all the time, when we least expect them....this weekend I am going to try and "find my place" with all that that encompasses.....and just BE STILL AND WAIT!

FULL OF MYSELF ADVICE

This occurred to me this afternoon in the car while driving all over hell and gone...and not just occurred..but this hit me like an actual EPIPHANY...like the light on the Christmas tree in CHRISTMAS VACATION...

If everyone just listened to me..and I mean really LISTENED and they actually BELIEVED WHAT I TELL THEM....and then actually took my advice....LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT!

I called my BFF to see what she thought about my insight...and she agreed...wholeheartedly...but then again she thinks exactly like I do...which reinforced my epiphany....and then I asked her if what I was wishing for was bad (and I'm not saying it, because most people would be horrified and shocked that this wish would even flutter through my mind) and she said, "no, I wish the same thing sometimes." So....maybe eventually others will follow...ahahhahahahahahhaha!

Anyway...that's all I got...just a little epiphany recap...IF EVERYONE LISTENED AN BELIEVED, LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT!

Being Still and other Hard Stuff

Late Saturday night when I was preparing my GracePlace lesson, (and by late I mean 1am), I had the first in a series of impressions about patience. I was teaching about Growth, and the whole idea of growing in our relationship with God and how in the process of that some things about how we live our lives change....or at least should change, while we allow Him to help us become His image here...where we live now!

Repeatedly I was reminded that to be a reflection of Him we choose to love even when its hard or with people who are unlovable, to be kind when we don't want too, to choose joy despite our circumstances, and to be patient....when we want to rush ahead and do things for ourselves, to sit and worry and wring our hands and become Chicken Little's, believing that what we want most will never happen...because its not happening NOW!

The second time the patience thing hit me was during worship on Sunday...before GP. We sang about being still and knowing that He is God....we sang about what happens while we wait....He makes us strong....and then we read a verse for Psalms 37....and of course I was all over the part about "delighting in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Oh yeah...I'm all about being delighted...(that is not sarcasm), I can honestly say that while I absolutely do not understand the what and why of life...I love that God is in it...doing what He does...you know...just being GOD!

So there I sat, a little smug, thinking about all the desires of my heart, (and obviously not about my selfish drifting), when this verse just like morphed off the screen....like in 3-D at me....."Be still before the Lord and wait PATIENTLY FOR HIM..."

I do an alright job of delighting in who God is....but in the being still before Him...and waiting patiently...NOT SO MUCH! The saddest part of that to me right now is, that I know this issue has come up before with me and God...this is not the first time that He has reminded me to be still...and patient. I'm starting to feel slightly obtuse here....and a little concerned that He might recommend me for Title 1 due to my lack of comprehension here on this.

I wonder what that would look like. Some more patience exercises....more things that I need to be patient about...more situations that require stillness....and listening. I had to wear the talking bib in 2nd grade once...(well, maybe more than that), and I'm thinking maybe God is considering something along those lines as well...some kind of reminder to not fill up all of my time with other stuff when I maybe need to be about being still and patient. Oddly, I was frustrated with someone recently about their lack of patience and need to just push along their own timeline, whether that is the right choice or not....and again, in that conversation, when I least expected it, God spoke to my heart and I was reminded....that I don't want to rush ahead of His plans, that waiting and being still and patient are good....that waiting for the right thing and not settling for less is always worth it in the end...no matter how hard it is in the process.

Right now, I'm waiting and being still in several areas of my life. It's hard. But I think I'm gonna make it....at least today.

She's come a long way

She has come a long way since her first formal dance in 9Th grade. Back then the whole day was frenzied with preparations and anticipation...she was ready hours before it was time to leave for the dance. On this day, the day of her last formal high school event, Prom "08...this lovely young women had not ONE moment of panic. At no point did she seem frantic or stressed out. She lolled around the house, painted her toenails on the kitchen table, repainted her fingernails, and spent a lot of time reminiscing about dances gone by. She didn't' let the fact that she had a horrible cold and no voice stop her from being excited about the evening. She got ready like an old pro....and came downstairs....for the last time...in a dress that looked amazing on her

I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in the course of the evening when I thought I might be morphing into my dad....like when I took the picture of she and her BFF...I have this same picture of the two of them from every dance that they have gone to in high school...12....seeing the friends who have all grown into strong minded young women. Her high school years have been full and rich with the important things....great friendships, girl drama, more laughing than seems humanly possible...and a seemingly endless parade of boys! All of the things that she will hopefully look back on with fondness....

I realized tonight that raising teenagers is a fun gig....most of the time! I also realized that I have 42 more dances to take pictures at....there are going to me lots more dresses...and at the end of that... tuxes! LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GURL~

Today is a very special day. If I could be anywere today it would be in Arkansas, celebrating the day my BFF was born. That's what you do on peoples birthdays...you celebrate them and their lives! You stop and remember all of the reasons why they are amazing and you revel in the fact that you have the priviledge of knowing them. If I were there celebrating her day with her, these are some of the things I would say and remember.

~I am amazed and inspired by your courage
~I absolutely love that you are outspoken
~I am in awe of your skills with power tools
~You push me to speak the truth
~You make me laugh when you speak it...and then say seriously...WTF
~Again, I laugh because you think potatoe skins are a meal
~I learn so much from you....especially about geography
~You force me to think about people in places I have never heard of....and the fact that anything we may experience is small, because in Myanmar they live 20 to a hut
~Your compassion and dreams for young women challenges me
~Your ability to have FUN despite any and all issues that land either of us in shit creek is your otter at its best

Some of the things I would remember and laugh about that can be written in a public domain:

Hmmmm....I guess most of those things need only be reminisced in private...aahhahahahahhahahah

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GURL~~

Today I am celebrating you...KRISTA!

LIFELINES

These five items have become LIFELINES for me. Life everyday now would be mere existence without these items.

The interesting thing about all of these things is that 7 months ago, none of them were apart of my daily life. NONE!

Looking back, (which I don't really want to do), I can pinpoint when each one became important. The shoes and inserts...late March..after realizing that I couldn't run without them.

The Medication...late April....after nearly giving up the exercise because of knee and foot PAIN!

Bike seat....mothers day....and none too soon...I have absolutely NO IDEA how anyone bikes any distance at all on those THONGS of the bike seat world!

And the lilacs...well, they come every spring. Year after year I am reminded how much lilacs make me smile. They make me happy...just to see the full, lush bushes, in varying shades of purple...and the smell of them on spring evenings....absolutely
NOSTALGIC! I grew up in a neighborhood overrun with lilac bushes....always begging to be picked and presented to a deserving mom....just to say ....I love you!
( Oddly, my mom was here yesterday and put the lilacs out on the deck while she stayed....because they are just too....(mom waving her hand in disgust in front of her nose!) I wonder, did she feel that way when I brought them to her as a child, or is age just making her forget about the simple pleasure and beauty of the seasons and their flora and fauna?

Anyway....these five items today I celebrate. That I can use them, take them, ride them and enjoy them....everyday....in 7 months, who knows what my lifelines will be....I only know what they WON'T BE!

A Little Creepy...and Disturbing!

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have somehow lost the understanding and appreciation of children's literature. The pure whimsy of it. Don't get me wrong, the story here in my 6 year olds reading book is wonderful. Very funny. Thought provoking. Some good critical thinking opportunities.

But Poppleton as seen below, is only partially dressed. For some reason this is incredibly perplexing for me. Many a children's book has been written with clothed animals. Not disturbing or peculiar to me at all. Some books contain animals au naturale...again...I embrace the authors choices.

The partially dressed Poppleton disturbs me. Maybe its his glowing pinkness. Possibly it is that his legs, with cloven hooves stretched taut, seem very "ham-like." Did the author vacillate about how to showcase Poppleton in the best possibly light, to ensure capturing the children's attention and imaginations?

He certainly succeeded in capturing mine. I feel embarrassed for Poppleton. Like he is somehow the emperor.....in half-clothes! I also feel compelled to tell him to not sleep on his back....not very attractive Poppleton! Maybe it's because of the recurring nightmare/paranoia thing about showing up somewhere without pants....kinda like Arthur did!

Anyway....my 6 year old absolutely LOVED THIS PAGE! (which in my opinion may be slightly concerning) He re-read it 3 times. Then he read it to each of his sisters when they got home! They all laughed hard.....and shared my views..."Poppleton seems a little creepy with only a night shirt on...where are his pants?"

As far as the reading of Poppleton went, Noah gets 5 stars...whizzed right through it. He told me tonight that you can say "the" 2 ways...."thee" or "the." He prefers "thee", "Because it sounds more interesting!" Very Elizabethan!

CREVICES

I was reading today about the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. A place where Jews have been going and leaving behind their petitions to God for hundreds of years.

I don't think there is any politically correct or right or wrong way to leave your prayers and such there, but often people write down their worries and stick the little scraps of paper in the ancient crevices there. And then they just walk away.

While I've never been to the wailing wall, and honestly I probably will never go....the idea of writing down the things that are weighing heavily on me and sticking them in a crack somewhere seems kind of appealing. But then what? I think I would go back and pull out the paper and see if somehow God had penned back a solution, or a quick fix tip...or even a small word of encouragement to let me know that turning it over to Him was a good step.

My big issue with anything that I need to turn over and let go of is that I don't do it completely. I seem to always rethink and come up with some different slant or angle and then think...hmmmmm...I can handle this thing or that thing again...I just need to do it a little differently. Then ultimately, I am back to where I was when I needed to jam the little scrap of worry or struggle in the crack to begin with, and where does that leave God?

Still there, just looking at me a little more perplexed by my lack of faith and trust. I think He shakes His head and laughs alot at people like me....the ones who say they trust Him, and try and put Him first. The ones who know, know, know that they know....

In the turning over and letting go of things, in the trusting and waiting....well, I kinda suck at that...its HARD.....

I read this today and it kinda helped my perspective a little: "Maybe turning things over is not the solution to everything but, you do what you can. Then you get out of the way, because you're not the one who does the work anyway."

All I have to do is turn it over....and then He does the work? Tonight I'm writing some things on scraps...and turning them over....cuz I am getting weary of trying to do the work. Oh yeah, and I need to find some kind of crevice to jam em in.....

...I can think of a couple of places....but I probably need to write those down too!

SANGUINE

Today I got my official financial aid confirmation for my spring/summer terms.

For the bargain basement price of $1947.00 I have discovered that I am SANGUINE!

SANGUINE: hopeful, cheerful, buoyant, optimistic and sunny.

I also have a healthy dose of not wanting to be apart of anything that isn't FUN.

Hmmmm...I paid $1947.00 to discover some things that I already know quite clearly about myself. My top four personality traits in the first test:

Interpersonal: values the ability to develop and maintain relationships between people
Trusting: Willing to rely upon and believe in the integrity of others, always assuming a positive outcome. (that's panned out well in recent months...ahaha)
Intuitive: Knowing something without consciously thinking it out, sensing how others feel without being told.(again...ditto)
Emotional: Feeling things deeply!

For the bargain basement price! I could have told anyone these things about myself for free...actually, I am pretty sure I have...especially #2...I'm pretty sure that's code for POLLYANNA! And interpersonal...duh! Intuitive? seriously, this one I always second guess...most recently this cost me much/combined with #2....can be DEVASTATING! (fool)
Emotional, well this one would have been a surprise 6 months ago...but now...not so much.....

I know these things about me...and sometimes I don't love these things. Sometimes I wish for just one moment I could be idk...maybe Phlegmatic: languid, lethargic, listless, indifferent, and passive. I.E. Organized, Planned, detailed....those things seem less......well, just less. Less likely to feel, less likely to be disappointed, less likely to be let down.

They are also less likely to be engaged in the lives of people who matter. Not just people who matter to me...but people who matter to God. While sometimes I don't like these things about me...they are things that make me who I am, and that God can use to help other people (people who matter to HIM) Sometimes I have to remember that what is comfortable to me, what is fun for me, isn't always what He wants from me. Sometimes He wants me to be uncomfortable, to be emotional for and with other people, to believe the best in them, especially when they aren't believing that for themselves. Sometimes He wants me to build or maintain a friendship not because of who the person is, but because of what I sense they are feeling or experiencing.

For the bargain basement price of $1947.00 I am learning to accept how God wired me. Learning to embrace the qualities that I wish were different. And trying not to regret the times I haven't paid attention, or when I have trusted too much....

My friend learned she was an otter or $125.00....and some other disappointing news, (lmao), so currently I'm feeling a little like I should have clipped a coupon...but alas...there are still 6 more surveys to go in my class...who knows what else may be revealed? For that price....I fricken better be the long lost daughter of one of the Kennedy's....

At the rivers edge

Last night I found myself needing to desperately clear my head....for a number of reasons....mostly the same ones I've been trying to get away from...so ANYWAY....the kids were all ensconced in American Idol, so I hopped on my bike and went for a quick 7 mile ride. And it was quick because I needed to ride fast and peddle hard!

On the trail I started to coast for a bit...and I came on this scene...beside the river. This man and woman were sitting there on a blanket, a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses....and they had their feet in the river....and they were washing each others(feet)...it looked like they were talking softly...they were LOOKING at each other...intentionally....

I don't know these people, but I could tell in my fleeting glimpse into their intimate moment at the rivers edge, that right now, they LOVE each other. The CARE for one another....they ENJOY each others company.....

I spent the next several minutes desperately fighting the desire to go back and intrude on their scene. I wanted to talk to them...to tell them to CHERISH what they have right now...to not let it go...for any reason...to not give up, because it won't always be like this, but to not ever take what they have for granted. I wanted to tell them that the LOVE they have is a gift....and it is fragile and can be fleeting...I wanted to tell them to never STOP looking intentionally into each others eyes....to never STOP talking softly.....

I didn't go back. Instead I just fell back on what I know to be better than any words I might ever say....I prayed. For them, for me, for others like us out there.

The kind of funny thing about it all was...that along with the honest words I wanted to share with them about cherishing what they have....I also wanted to say...."Whoa...dudes...do you realize that you are washing each others feet literally in "Shit Creek?" I mean, its a romantic gesture and all, but seriously....ECOLI!!!

All in all it was a good ride. My head was cleared....my body was sore and exhausted....and I discovered that my heart is only mildly jaded by my own experiences of late....

Thing #5 and the Diagnosis!

While we wait for the next step in the diagnosis process with Thing #l, it has become everyones favorite pastime to give their advice, tell their own stories of similar issues, ask questions and then proclaim their own diagnosis. I started to think yesterday that maybe I should make up one of those "buy a square" things that everyone does for the Superbowl...you know, a raffle of sorts!

This morning as Thing #5 was sitting at the counter smacking his bagel and slurping down his peach juice, he started to ask some questions about Thing #l. He was totally serious. His brow kind of furrowed as he listened to my responses...nodding his head as he took it all in. This is how it went.

Noah: Is this blood coming from the place it always does?
Me: Ummm...well, its in her poop...people don't usually have blood there.
Noah: Oh, so she doesn't need all those sticks and diapers she always uses?
(In a house of 5 women, Noah thinks Thing #1 is the only one who uses the feminine products, LMBO...and we let him believe it)
Me: Nope.
Noah: (After long pause with more smacking on bagel) Well, she eats a lot of sugar...its probably that. That isn't good for you. She had 5 pieces of birthday cake at the party! (long pause)
Even though shes a "good sized girl", that's still too much sugar.

A good sized girl! He didn't mean that like it sounded, but I laughed really hard. Not that Thing #1 would think that was funny, what 17 year old wants to be called a "good sized girl" LOL! And the funny thing....she thinks she is. She is loving the whole liquid diet for 2 days, if only for its potential to drop 5 lbs.

When she gets up to "go" again in the next five minutes, I'm going to assure her that her 6 year old brother had become a diagnostician and proclaimed that all her issues are due to "too much sugar!" I think I'll leave out the rest of the convo until she's back on solid foods....she's getting a little testy from lack of food.....probably some sugar withdrawals too!

The wait

....and now we wait. I hate waiting. Who really does like it..seriously...is anyone really productive while they wait? Are we really changed in the process of waiting? What it the real point of waiting? (all rhetorical!)

The only good thing that can come from waiting for me, is that while I wait, I have to find something to get my mind off whatever it is I'm waiting on....and to do that I usually have to find something to laugh about.....and today I learned that I had passed on that absolutely AMAZING gene to my daughter.

While we began our wait, yesterday actually...her sister and friend began to make macabre jokes at her expense while she waited on the couch for the first round of test results. Patronizing her extreme case scenarios about what if its this?....with responses like....I'm sure if it was "that" your stomach would have already imploded and you'd be poopin way more than blood out your "arse!"
(For whatever reason, just saying the word "arse" makes them all laugh, which in turn makes me laugh...so, that's all good)

In the office today at her 8:15 appointment, Sav took great pleasure in taking and sending pictures of me, whilst I SLEPT in the ever so comfortable straight back chair.....she was puzzled by my innate ability to drop off to sleep in such a place...she has yet to learn about the coping mechanism called "escape!" As a mom of five, I learned it early.

After the Dr. came in and had asked all her questions and had moved on to the "exam", which somehow took Sav by surprise....hahahhahahahahah....the doc was puzzled by the strange green hue to the "sample" she had extracted from the "arse"....mother and child exchanged looks and then proceeded to laugh so hard we had trouble articulating to the vegan doc that Sav had helped herself to a serving bowl of BLUE MOON ICE CREAM.....at a friends house the night before...the results of which were in her swab!

Next on the agenda was a trip home with some lab vials...and by some I mean 8! A large sample was necessary....and since the 17 year old has been touting her near adulthood and impending legal rights to make her own choices and decisions as an adult....I, her mother chose to take this opportunity to let her handle things as an independent adult...and by handle I mean...get your own saran wrap and plastic spoon and divvy things up amongst your vials! Again....way too much laughter as she sifted through her specimen....pointing out all the things that she had enjoyed for dinner the night before with glee!

After the exhausting collection process, we both crawled into my bed and proceeded to drop off into deep sleep like a couple of narcoleptics....only to be awakened by our own snoring, numb arms, and drool! And gnawing hunger....it was in fact almost 1 o'clock. Sav was mesmerized by the fact that once I'm awake, I'm a regular mexican jumping bean of energy....quite the contrast to my lethargy in the earlier hours of the day....and I was dragging her along to get moving and out the door...the promise of a trip to Panera and Cold Stone the key motivators!

While having lunch her dad called. Her placating tone spoke volumes to me...and when she hung up, her exasperation turned to howls of laughter as she explained his summation of her current condition. "She needs to lay off the fat free cool whip....(apparently a known cause of internal bleeding.....NOT). She also needs to not exercise so much....a "light" walk is the healthiest thing you can do to stay in shape! Coming from a man who appears to have auditioned for an upcoming roll as the new Pillsbury Doughboy! (her words, not mine)

Even as we wait now for the results from the firmly packed vials....and prepare for more tests next week...she is able to laugh at what is to come....the prospect of "clear" stools....and waking up in a recovery room filled with old men, all flatulating in hopes of early release.....she is certain that she can put them all to shame.....QUITE THE LITTLE LADY I have raised......

For her, I will attempt to wait with grace, not worry. For her I will attempt to wait with patience and not fear. For her and with her I will laugh, as we wait.....together.

...and then this....

While today began with the best of intentions my goals quickly fell by the wayside with one phone call.

My oldest daughter has had medical issues...things that I thought were pretty normal...kinda blow off stuff...then I took her to the doctor.

Its curious how quickly the atmosphere in a room can change, with no actual words of alarm, but merely by the increased pace of a doctor, a brief exchange of eye contact with a mother....and BAM...you are left sitting there realizing that there could be way more to this thing than meets the eye. In that instant of realization, its funny the things that can cross your mind.....things like....important things....things that earlier today I determined to dwell on...its funny how my list of goals this morning took on a life of their own.

While I had determined to live in today....and not dwell on the past....I found myself living surreally in today, and my mind being flooded with memories of this girl who was sitting on the table with a terrified look in her eyes.

I was desperately wanting to move forward...away from anything that might have even the slightest hint of crisis.

Today my goal was to think about others. Well...that was accomplished. The only person I could think about today was someone else.

I remembered the things that are of real value to me. My children. My friends. The healthy lives that we live without thought or gratitude....I remembered that I need to value these things more....and that I have taken them for granted.

My state of mind has indeed been transformed in this day. The news thus far is promising. Tomorrow we move on to another step in the process. Tomorrow I am hoping to be beyond this little crisis....I am praying that tomorrow will not be as long of a day as today has been....I am praying that I may indeed have been correct, and that all of this is not really a big deal.....but until then....hmmm! Yeah...

Goal for Today

My goal today is to actually LIVE in it....not DWELL on anything....

My goal today is to actually try and MOVE forward...not look back...

My goal today is to actually THINK about other people....

My goal today is to actually PUT INTO PRACTICE....at least a few things I know are right.

My goal today is to actually not notice the TIMES....and live beyond them....

My goal today is to actually remember WHAT is truly of value....

My goal today is not a list....but a transformed STATE OF MIND.....



......i'm sure i will need to come back to this post periodically throughout my day to remind myself about these goals.....due to a pathetic downward spiral in attention span....(im blaming that on all the weed from back in the day....not my age!) But these are MY goals for today

Fallen Fences

I read some things today while I was waiting for Olivia to get her braces on...two hours worth of reading, actually, so in fact I read quite a few things...but a couple of things kept coming back to me in the course of the day...and I went back to my book and read and re-read them.

In Grace Eventually, the author points out that "it really is easier to experience spiritual connection when your life is in the process of coming apart. When things break up and fences fall over, desperation and powerlessness slink in, which turns out to be good: humility and sweetness often arrive in your garden not long after. ....there is meaning in pain, it teaches you how to survive with a modicum of grace when you do not get what you want."

How true this is for me. Over the course of my life, it has been during the times when I have been in the "process of coming apart" when I have totally and completely fallen into the arms of the One who created me and there I have experienced His grace....and tenderness, and also a bit of reproof....for my part in whatever the situation of the hour is. Oddly, today I realized that I have not always been particularly quick to find meaning in the pain....and most recently, I have not demonstrated even the slightest amount of grace in not getting what I want most. Recently, I have been far too petulant...not unlike a spoiled child stamping her foot....

Walking along these current "fallen fences" is new to me. And honestly, in the big picture of things...they were not really fences with footings or anything....really just temporary chicken wire stuff...but even when chicken wire folds up on itself, I realized that it is just as necessary to determine why they fell and then determine how to keep desperation at bay, and allow myself to be humble and rely on Him alone for my survival.....(not that any of this is going to kill me, but just healthy survival instead of mere existence)

My prayers recently have been along the lines of, "help me not to feel.....(fill in the blank), or show me how to.....(again, fill in the blank), but today I read this: "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine." The "fallen fences" over the course of my life have always and without fail changed me in ways I couldn't imagine.

Today I started to view them a little differently....a little more like opportunities that I have to connect, find meaning, grace and humility....and maybe in the process become a little less me, and a whole lot more changed to be like HIM!

the small project

Ths is the fabulous Shabby Chic light fixture that I hung

ALL BY MYSELF!!!

And it works, and no one died in the hanging of it (them).

My mom asked incredulously, "and it

really works...and its SAFE?

She has the gift of encouragement thats for sure!

The hallway is painted....the finished product makes me smile and feel calm, and light and airy....it still needs some stuff on the walls, but for now, this is cozy...and CHANGED.....

BRIGHT SPOTS

Just a few random bright spots from my day...cuz each day...that's what I'm choosing....the bright spots!

A) Today it did not snow in Michigan as forecasted!
B) Coffee with a friend...complete with BUZZ from her new hard wood floor finish!
C) Finished painting my hallway!
D) Hung two light fixtures ALL BY MYSELF......dropped er down!
E) Discovered that my BFF is a racist...a little disappointed in her....who knew!

E) may need some clarification. My BFF is living far far away from here now, in the dirty south. Apparently in the dirty south they do not have garbage removal like they do here in the wonderful sparkling north. So, today, after what must have been a long day of weeding and "yard waste" clean up, my BFF called to tell me that she paid a man named Victor Gonzales $35 to take away her "yard waste." I waited. Surely, I thought, there was some reason for her to tell me the mans name...if there wasnt a reason, then she would have just said, like non-racist people, I paid a man $35 to take away my "yard waste." But she told me his name...and then I asked, ever so delicately...."Was there some purpose in telling me the garbage mans name, or did you just want me to know that you paid an Hispanic man to take away your "yard waste?" Did a man named Reuben Weinstein come and take away your recycling bin? Realizing the PI of her wording she did what any upright person would do...she laughed.....and she laughed...and then laughed so hard that I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS SAYING...YET AGAIN....and then I laughed at her and with her....she tried to keep talking her way out of her racial faux pas, but with every snort dug herself deeper.....

This night, this snippet of inappropriate laughter and behaviour is exactly why she is my BFF....it is EXACTLY why I miss her so fricken much....this is going on my mental list of things that I can bring up whenever I need to laugh...along with a couple of other things.....

l. Earl
2. The duffel bag
3. Taking a picture of herself in the car
4. Her crack
5. Eric the sheriff
Those are my top five for tonight....randomly chosen bright spots!

....or were they?

For the last week I've been doing a ton of "yard work." Mostly though, I've just been intending to do yard work, and then conveniently getting sidetracked so as to avoid it. Thursday and Friday though...I actually busted it out. Raking, Grub-exing, weeding, the whole shebang...and now, on Saturday...I still can't seem to lift my shoulders. My fingers are permanently curled as if around a trowel of some sort.....(the perfect pose to still type...how convenient!)

Today I thought I'd change things up a bit...I moved inside To painting!

Love/Hate...that is my relationship with the paint...I love the transformation...I love the calm....HATE THE QUIET....the time that is just there! I turned on the radio. Didn't work. Called the BFF...can't talk and paint at the same time...missed her beyond belief...became horribly depressed...hung up....painted in the quiet some more. Tried to "take every thought captive." Seriously, I know its biblical and all...but HOW...that's what I want to know...HOW, do you keep your mind from wandering....

My mind wanders all over the map....like Forrest Gump on his cross country run! And to keep getting it in check, I had to keep doing other things that distracted me from the quiet....which in turn took me away from the painting...so here it is, 11 pm, and I am not as far along as I had hoped I would be...BECAUSE I HOPED I'D BE DANG DONE! But, like Scarlett O'Hara always says..."tomorrow is another day."

Tomorrow I think I may move back to yard work....more avoidance there....

While sitting here, I just realized that I totally forgot where I was going with this whole thing....it started with the yard work, moved to painting....I think it was about keeping busy and the value of not being idle that I was intending to get to, but suddenly....I'm starting to think that the key to facing things we don't want to face....is not to keep busy, not to sit and dwell, but to just look at them...in their entirety, live the emotions of them, grieve the changes, value the things that still are and just BE in it...live it, in the best way that we can. Eventually whatever it is that is consuming today, will be something to look back on and say.....those were fricken messed up days.....or were they?

GIVE ME WORDS TO SPEAK

What is it that drives this need to communicate? To speak either with my voice or written word? More importantly, for the last few days I have been pondering....what am I really trying to do...is this need to process things out in words some kind of catharsis...or is there really something of value that is trying to come out? (Rhetorical question)

Anyway...in the process of writing over the past few days, here and other places...I am drawing more and more to the idea that the things I write and say come from two places.

ME....and thats usually stuff that shouldnt pass my lips or fingertips...and certainly not anything anyone else needs to ever read, lest their eyes burn from their sockets or their ears melt from their heads. The me stuff.....well, I'm working on weeding that out.....because what I am trying to make more room for, I realized in a great song:

Callosued and bruised
Dazed and confused
My spirit is left wanting something more
In my selfish hopes
In my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down on the floor
Crying out for something more
Give me words to speak
Let my spirit sleep
Cuz I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe you my life
Give me words to speak
Don't let my spirit sleep
Every night
Every day
I find that I have nothing I can say
So I stand here in silence
Awaiting your guidance
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your words
Give me words to speak
(aaron shust)

That is what I want. To write or speak with my voice, and my wiring, but not out of my ken....but His...

So, I am spending more time sitting here in silence...waiting...not for whats in the forefront of my mind...but what is really in there...needing to come out....well, maybe needing is strong language...but you know...waiting...

So, more from the bike path....I seriously think I'm on to something here. First, I absolutely love to bike ride. Secondly, while I have been biking to distract myself and keep myself busy....I think He is using it to make me quiet and still...and able to hear Him and actually listen.

Of course, I'm not totally sure of that yet...but tonight...as I was biking along....my mind started to wander a bit, ( no surprise there), and I realized a few things. Of course no surprise, I totally already knew that I have been doing anything and everything I can to keep myself busy. Too busy to think about things I dont want to think about. You know, stuff that was, stuff that isnt anymore, stuff that isnt gonna be...those kinds of things. Stuff and things that can consume me, and take over....and make me incredibly......despondent....stuff that is sucking the life from me....

In keeping totally busy and distracted so I dont think about "stuff", I also am so busy and noisy in my head that I also kinda block out what He wants to say....other "stuff" that is way more important....

On the bike ride tonight I started to hear His voice...while the wind was whistling through my hair and ears...with the whir of the bike tires on the pavement...His voice reminding me that I am wholly His...and that He is still as amazing as ever....still in control, still right beside me..even on the downside of St. Roberts Hill!

And then, on Terrace Hill...going up...(huffin it BIG ASS TIME), I had this huge epiphany....as I was trying to make it at least a few feet further than the last time, and I did...3 more sidewalk spaces, that each day on this journey back from what was...that I am a little closer....each day, I am a few less "distractions" away from not needing to fill up my day....each day....

So I will keep on biking. Keep on trying to make it a few squares closer to the top of the hill....but more importantly...biking is keeping me quiet long enough to hear the One I need to listen too...and I am pretty sure bringing me a few squares closer to Him!

The Bike Ride

Last night I went on a six mile bike ride with a handful of my offspring. It was a beautiful evening on the trail....we rode hard and fast, the wind whipping our hair...the crisp smell of spring in the air. The somewhat undefinable scent of the Flint River wafting into our noses! Okay, so that part was nasty...but the rest was total fun!

And then morning dawned!

This morning I made a list of some things that would be wonderful gifts for mothers day.

l. Sunglasses
2. Bike seat that is not akin to a "toy" from Priscilla's.....with teeth!
3. An Asian eunuch to massage my calves and knees.
4. Glucosamine injections
5. Headsets that will put me on "com" like Jack Bauer and Chloe, so I can hear what my spawn are talking about from 1/2 mile up the trail.
6. I forgot about Jack.....I forgot how much I love Jack. I want HIM with a big bow!
7. A chain pulley system like at the car wash for the last 100 feet of Terrace Hill! (I was in my glory there, let me tell you)


All in all...I totally dig the whole biking thing. So does everyone else. We just have a few kinks to work out....and then....who knows....we might strike out across America....

Actually, we do have our eye on this really cool old railroad trial in WV....38 miles of sheer bliss....as long as I get a different seat!

Pollyanna

I don't do change well.

I seem like I do, but in reality, in my mind, and even my heart...I don't.

I wish I did.

I think I am the kind of person who can fake change well...you know, roll with the punches, put your best foot forward, look at the upsides. Pollyanna.

At some point in the faking it process though, I slowly begin to accept it. Changes. I'm not there yet.....I am still in denial that my BFF is living in another state and not around the corner.

I still hope she and others who have gone before her will return.

Back to accepting it. I'm in the bartering phase now....I think with God. The phase where I find myself asking Him...Please, let there be another way. Let this thing or that thing, or this or that person....you get what I'm saying.....

I have a friend who spoke/lead/taught/blabbered for the last time this week in the venue I have listened to him in for the last 7-8 years. I know that I will still hear him speak/teach and blabber again....but....still...I don't like the change.

My daughter is graduating. She visited her college last week. She is getting excited to leave the nest. I am too.

Kind of. I want her to leave, but I so DO NOT want her to go. I want to go back a few years, to relive some of them...to hold her, and all of my kids a little more closely. I love to watch them change...but then, I don't like the change.

With all of these changes....I am faking the upside, for myself and them. There are better things ahead. You have no idea what He has in store for you, you will make new friends, new places are filled with new and exciting opportunities...

Sometimes, when it gets quiet here....the realities of the changes settle around me like a damp overcoat....I've never been much of a coat wearer....

I keep throwing it off....and keep looking for the things to be "Glad" about.

Pollyana had to fall out of the tree before she realized fully the "Gladness" of change....I think I'll opt for a great workout and call it even.

...and so it goes

So, the dog had a false pregnancy...and she seriously had us all fooled.
Per Olivia's running obstetrical evaluations: Her nipples were purple and sagging
She was producing milk
Her "cooch" was black and swollen
She's "dripping" something
She was panting and pacing for hours.
And then....nothing...its 3 days past the last possible delivery date...and shes back to normal.
All her parts have returned to their original colors and elasticities....(lucky for all)

Some people here are feeling a little bereft...thoroughly disappointed that there was no ghoulish delivery to watch...and no precious pups to love on for a few weeks....

Some people here think God is always good. Some people here are glad that sometimes He says NO. Some people didn't even have to pray for this....He just knew what she needed...He has answered her prayers on more than one occasion and they ended with dogs on shovels! (and horses in dump trucks)

....and so it goes....

While some are praying and yes hoping for one thing or another...others often see things from a different perspective. Isn't that the case in many things on this journey? What has my mind tonight...actually its been longer than that...its just coming out tonight...is that we often have our own plans. Plans A., B. C. D. Whatever. But our plans include what we know, what we see, what we want (usually), but they are limited plans. They are limited by our own vision. Which can also be blurry for any number of reasons. So, while yes, we all have our own plans....the thing is, the thing I keep coming back too....He has a better one....so while I, like many others tonight, are praying for one thing or another.....He is waiting for me to ask for His plan...to want His plan...to unfold and reveal His plan....

There are a number of things I wish were happening differently, not just for me...but for lots of the people in my world.....tonight I am here asking for His plan to unfold...even when I don't like watching things change in the unfolding!

TODAY...

This is what I know TODAY...or at least what I think I know...actually, this is what I'm thinking about and really, really trying to know....TODAY.

TODAY is a gift. I need to treat it as such and enjoy just being in IT...TODAY, I don't need to worry about TOMORROW. (Actually, I shouldn't "worry" at all, but...for now its about TODAY!) TODAY, I need to get a few things done, and enjoy the people around me. TODAY, I need to stop rehashing old coversations and STOP being distracted by the voices in my head. (not "voices," voices, ...just you know..voices) TODAY I need to pray for my friend....actually...maybe a couple of them....TODAY I need to stop staring at the closed door....and wait (PATIENTLY). TODAY I need to not try and "jimmy" the lock on the door...to see if it will open a crack. TODAY I need to stop thinking so much and just BREATH...and live....TODAY.