Unexpected grace

There are sometimes moments, or pauses in the everydayness of life, when I am confronted with a memory or an emotion that I didn't realized I had or felt. Which kinda doesn't make sense...but last night/today I was awash with just such a moment.

After a harrowing few days of worry, driving, praying and hospital sitting....I found myself home at last with my oldest daughter....healing from an abscess on her tonsil which landed her in the hospital for a couple of days. Driving to the drug store to pick up her prescriptions, I was blindsided by a song, which for some reason unleashed the floodgates of all the emotions that I had desperately been trying to stuff inside for the last few days.

More than the release of tension from this event came out though. I found myself thinking of her, my oldest, and how blessed I am to have her...(and the other 4 as well). I remembered vividly a time before she was born, when I believed that I would likely never have children. Because of a series of bad choices I made when I was younger (understatement), I had come to believe that God's consequence for my actions would certainly be to withhold a family from me. I believed this, and actually had accepted it without anger or bitterness....I believed, like many others sometimes do, that I would get what I deserved.

Then I found myself pregnant with Savannah....during the whole thing, I waited for something to happen. Something bad. And it never did. During my pregnancy...one day alone in our apartment, I was reading about God and his forgiveness, grace...and a quote from a teacher about His grace being a free gift that we don't deserve or ask for...unmerited favor! In that moment I knew that I wanted this grace...I wanted to believe in it, to believe that God wanted me to have it....from Him...a gift. I knew in that moment Who I would follow my whole life....and that He had already extended His grace, in the child that He had created inside of me. That was my first glimpse of His grace....and today....in the car the choices that I had made so long ago came flooding back over me....along with the very real knowledge that He had extended grace despite them. I don't often look back with regret or remorse....but today I experienced sorrow and a sense of loss for a child that I never had....and huge joy, to be here in this moment with the 5 that came later.

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the busyness of life and single parenting.....and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and just straight up hard work of it! Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the everydayness of life and I forget Who is guiding mine. Fortunately on days like today, He gently reminds me exactly how much He has loved me, and how much He always will. He reminds me of how huge and endless His grace is.....and that He extends it freely....especially when we don't deserve it!

Summer

Some things about the last few weeks keep replaying in my head. Good stuff, fun nights and afternoons with friends. The kind of times that cannot be recaptured, or redone, no matter how hard we may try...some things just happen...when you spend time with people that you love unconditionally and completely. Take for instance this moment below. These two women are dear friends to me....and one of them just HAD to get a recipe written down....evidently before the other one was too confused to remember it!

This moment at the beach....actually the whole day....top down on the jeep...boys bitching in the back seat....and then these two chums rolling and playing in the sand and the inland cess pool....completely oblivious to two facts...l. They were rolling in warm pee water. 2. That this day and their summer days together were quickly coming to a close!

...we knew it was ending soon....and photo ops like this would soon be gone!

This is by far my funniest and dearest memory. My BFF crying and sitting on my counter...always one to look for a silver lining....she dug deep this night and BELTED OUT the eternal cheer booster.....THE SUN'LL COME OUT...TOMORROW...BET UR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW.....THEY'LL BE SUN! ahhahahahahhahaahahha

I have always know that my BFF can't really sing....but on this night, with the tears and the Mikes Hard Lemonade.....it was never more glaring....or endearing! I love this woman. I miss this woman....she is amazing and courageous, and KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN! But now she's gone, back to the dirty south.....and I am sitting here incredibly thankful for the fun weeks of summer that we just lived to the fullest!

Impulsive

Sometimes I act impulsively. It's an undesirable personality trait...and sometimes when I do something...I don't really think through all the ramifications of the action or act.

In the aftermath of just such an action...I wish more than anything that I could just turn back time a wee bit...just a smidge...

But instead I am left now reacting....and going to the beach to try and sort it all out in my head! Nothing like a good sunburn and a day splashing in the water to block out impulsive actions! I think that's called avoidance, another excellent trait I possess!

Reclaiming

In recent days, or perhaps weeks, I have stopped some things that have been routine for me. In the process, I am now finding myself not feeling so much like me. Today it occurred to me, that this may be in large part, because of the things that I am NOT doing, as opposed to some of my more worrisome thoughts, that it because of the things that I AM doing.

I have not read much of anything that makes me think. Oh, I have glossed over some morning Bible passages...GLOSSED OVER being the operative phrase. I feel like I am reading but not thinking.....just monotone in my head, close the book...and off. Same goes for the couple of books that I was into. Nothing. Blah. I need some new material. I need to spend some time at Barnes and Noble...or some really good suggestions. I want a great novel that I can lose myself in and fall in love with the characters and feel a part of their lives. (Not, like creepy, "fall in love", like in Harlequin Romances, but just find some community of friends between the pages) I need something that makes me think and dream outside of the box too. Something real....like Anne Lamotte...but maybe someone new.

Since I have been out of school, I have also found myself not writing as much. This I know is because I am avoiding writing about things I know I should be writing about. Things and life that might actually be of value to someone besides me. But the problem with that is, I don't really want that to be what I have to say. Although I have no idea what I actually think I do have to say....I got not a lot else currently. Just the one thing that keeps nagging at me. (my avoidance factor is kicking in big time on this, but now I'm feeling like I'm running on fumes in my quest to avoid it).

Finally, the gym. Or the trail. Or the bike. Or the floor. Or actually anything that has anything at all to do with getting off my PHASS and moving! I can whine and complain all day about this....but ultimately, all my whining only makes me more pissy! (because I hate whiners)

I'm not quite sure what to do about all of this. Taking action and taking charge of myself again might perhaps be a great start. Becoming proactive about my own life....no one is going to make me happy forever if I am not happy with myself. Slowing in the course of my afternoon, which has been far to introspective and self abasing...I have started to see the light again....on the path in front of me....I hope I know where that path is leading....and as it twists and turns I want to enjoy and soak in every second of it.

Tomorrow.....I'm reclaiming myself tomorrow!

SWEAR WORDS

Tonight I had the joy and sheer privilege to sit at my counter and lounge on the couches with these two amigos.....

Watching them interact and listening to them I was completely taken in by the similarities in their relationship to the one I have with my BFF. The littlest one is my BFF's son...he's 5. Mine is 7. They are bon hommes! Chums. Pals. Buddies.

They also know a lot about swear words. The also like to share their knowledge with others, especially grown ups who, struggle to maintain calm demeanors as they "couch" their knowledge in just such a way so as to not to get their mouths washed out with soap. Nolan proclaimed at the counter tonight..."in my town there's a road...Dam Neck...(and then he grabbed his little neck with 5 year old pudgy hands and grimaced) and said..Oh, my damn neck!" Then he stuffed in a huge bite of pizza to hide is smile! My response? Oh, yeah, that's not a good word. Then Noah said, "hey, does your grandma say the S word? " Nolan just stared and said, (while still munching his pizza), "you mean like Holy bleeeep? That S word?" Noah: "I think so, do you spell it S-H...." at which point I felt obligated to step in and try and steer to conversation in another direction. (and I am left to wonder which one of their grandmas use that word). Which somehow lead to H-E-L-L....which, segued into....the mother of all swear words.... S-U-C-K! (I was only too relieved to hear that this was the "biggie".

Eventually they got back to topics that I was far more comfortable with....although honestly, Godzilla, and Mothra, and King Hedora didn't make me laugh inside as hard....and then we were off to look for the above mentioned monsters at the video store.

They are nestled in the chair, with trucks in their hands, running commentary through the whole movie....and it has started to hit me that these days with our BFF's are numbered. We are into the final week....I don't want the boys to realize this now...I want them to think that days and nights and conversations like the ones above will happen forever....I want to think that too! Tonight I'm going to pretend like they are!

A recap

Sitting here tonight, I am exhausted. My day though, has not been that difficult, and so I was sitting here wondering what in the frog I'm so tired from. And then I started browsing through the recently loaded photos and I was awash with memories from these past 7-8 days. Many of the really good moments are only captured in my mind, but some of these from the 4th of July made me smile.

After driving from Knoxville the day before and arriving home at about 130 am, we got up and drove another 2 hours to enjoy the Independence Day festivities in northern Michigan. Hometown parade, amazing cookout, jet skiing and fishing, sunning....and to begin the nighttime cap off...a campfire. And no campfire is complete without Michigan Koegel hotdogs. John and Kevin....(not natives) were captured for all time enjoying the delicacies of the Michigan frankfurter. (This was Kevin's 1st foray into the world of the koegel vienna....and the next day he was introduced, albeit hesitantly, to the koegel pickled bologna!) Noah was intent on stuffing in as many s'mores into his little gullet as he possibly could!

We headed out for the fireworks display a wee bit early...to ensure getting a "good" spot on the beach. We had plenty of time to hang out and relax...and of course watch the kids DANCE with sparklers! (I am fairly certain that this is an unsafe practice, and if this picture ever gets out, we all better hope Grandpa John never sees it!!) But not one was injured..no sparkler spikes in any feet bottoms so it was all good. The night capped itself off with the most amazing fireworks display I have ever seen....the were directly on top of us...we could feel the vibration in the sand as they launched them...and ash sprinkled down on your blankets as the lights faded...again...not something we want GJ to get wind of!

This was only the beginning of a friend and fun filled relaxing weekend....all of it was fun...but on the sleep deprivation end...maybe we all got a little shortchanged! Hence my feeling of malaise tonight. Or quite possibly its just that it all seemed so natural and fun and relaxing that I wish.....well....its not ll:ll yet so I'm saving my wishing....

Foment

Most days I am certain that I know myself. My strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and "features", but today...not so much. Today I am feeling pummeled by emotions and thoughts that seem to be not mine.And by pummeled I mean...I can't fricken get away from them. The BFF told me I needed to take a brisk walk.

Check.

Then I decided to do some shopping...(that's something she does).

Check.

Nap.

Check

Oh, yeah, I forgot...in the middle of doing all those things...I have been praying....as pathetic as it may seem to God currently....it hasn't really been like deep, reverent prayer, but much more akin to, "help me get away from this stuff...I don't like it, want it....I don't understand it...". I feel like a a dog, frantically trying to chew off a collar, or porcupine needles from its nose...as hard as they try, they just can't get it off or out. Mostly I don't really know where it's all coming from either, which makes me even more flummoxed.

So, here I sit....out of sorts, off kilter....and a wee bit emotionally unstable! NICE!

Then I was reading, and learned a new word. Foment. It means to take a cloth dipped in warm water or medication and apply it to a body that needs healing. Actually foment means poultice...but that's what you do with it. That's exactly what I feel like I need tonight. I just want God or someone to foment my currently "un-me" effed up mind, and emotions and I want to just "BE"!

I want to be all the things that I like about me...sanguine, Pollyanna, trusting, open, holding nothing back.....I wish I wasn't a conflict avoider....I wish I had the "calls" to just speak out loud to people that don't really know me....for right now....i really wish I had a poultice!

The Recital

In the hectic hustle and bustle of graduation and all the activities that were attached to it, and then finishing up the accelerated spring semester of college, there were events and occurrences which just kind of melded into life without a second thought.

Today, as I was drinking my coffee on the deck, something reminded me of my nieces vocal recital. A little background is in order here. My sister in law has been a staunch NON-SUPPORTER of any extracurricular events or activities. No dance classes, gymnastics, softball....until last year when one of her daughters tried out for cheer leading...they were activity free. I am not expressing any judgement on this decision one way or the other, my nieces are very well rounded young women...my sister-in-law did not make that decision to be mean in any way....she would just rather poke out her eye with a spoon than ever have to sit in stands, or attend concerts or recitals. She admits and touts this frankly, openly and with no apologies! When she has been invited, over the years, to attend my children's events, she has cordially and politely declined. Never once have I held this against her or judged her for her honesty....if I was more honest...who am I kidding...I just say it openly when attending...most of those events are eye poking and painful for me as well.

ANYWAY...back to my story...this year my nieces auditioned and were accepted into a musical/performance group called BJ Songbirds. Their end of the year event was a couple of weeks ago...my sister-in-law called about the event, the girls invited us...the SIL assured me that it was quite entertaining and enjoyable!

She neglected to tell me that at BJ Songbirds, they also give vocal lessons and this was the end of the year recital for those students as well! Can you say BAIT AND SWITCH? Once I realized what I was in for, my SIL was sitting smugly beside me stuffing down skittles like an addict!

Most of the evening was PAINFUL to say the least. Many young and old men and women want to be vocal stylists, but many should just be ok with being in the chorus, ya know. Seriously, as I was sitting there I thought, do they not hear themselves? Along with, if their coaches were indeed kind and loving folk, they would kindly and lovingly tell them to maybe try track or maybe curling next season!

...then "the girl" came on stage. Quite cute, seemed sure of herself, smiling at her coach offstage...music starts....first couple of notes a wee bit shaky....then blamo...forgot the words, forgot the tune, looked to stage right at coach, covered her face with her hands, began crying and started to bolt off the stage! I sat there thinking...(and I realize that this seems harsh) "Seriously, suck it up..you put in a lot of time practicing this song, you paid a load of money for these lessons...suck it up and finish the song!"

Her coach met her at the edge of the stage. She wrapped her arms around the girl who's head was on her shoulder crying. The coach picked the song up, singing strongly into her own headset while she walked the girl back to center stage. (in my head, and maybe out loud to the SIL, I thought/said..oh, my gosh, give me a break...stop being so dramatic). But as the song continued, the coach kept singing...never once taking her eyes from the girls....the whole time she was encouraging the girl to join in, and she did...several times...singing strongly a time or two...while looking into her coaches encouraging face..seeing her smile and nod...

The whole scene took on a different feel for me. The coach continued to love and support and BELIEVE in this girl..even when she was pretty much screwing up the thing she had worked hardest to do...probably over a very long period of time. And while it appeared to the girl and the audience that the girl had failed...big time...the coaches face and look did not express this at all. That girl knew, without a doubt, that her coach believed that she still had the best in her...that she was still amazing...that she was still valuable and still had a song to sing. The coach was holding her up, singing her part, when she couldn't...being strong when she couldn't be...and just waiting to turn it back over because she BELIEVED that eventually the girl would be able to sing the song on her own again.

How many times have my friends and people who love and believe in me done the same thing? How often have I returned that gift? Prayed when I couldn't. Believed when they didn't. Taken care of things when I didn't have it in me. Stood beside them no matter what.

The coach may have spent all year trying to teach that girl how to sing...but the best the best lesson she taught was on that stage....standing in the gap, until the girl was strong enough again to stand and sing on her own!

How often

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and he posed a question something to the effect of "How often are we just going through the motions of the expressions of our faith and how often do we get it messed up....and how do we learn or practice or just live in the relationship?" And do we really know what that is....to not be going through the motions? (That isn't exactly how he said it, but a paraphrase from my perspective)

Over the last few days, that idea of how do I separate my relationship from the One who loves me and created me to love Him, from the expectations of others who see faith as something expressed in large part by participating in the "busyness" of church life. Right now, I am stepping a little away from the busyness, and honestly, I think it is a good thing. I am realizing that my relationship with Him has been clouded by what I percieve others expectations are from me. Recently I had a conversation with a friend who has been steeped in the observances of religious life....the services that are attended, the places she shops, the things she needs to boycott, the satelitte network she uses....even her attitude in labor...she actually talked about being in so much pain and her husband was kinda being a little less than empathetic, and she wanted to yell at him or something, but she said "I was a good christian example for the nurses, and I just kept it all inside."

Is that what this life and relationship is about. In order to be a "good christian, or good christian example" do we have to stuff things all inside? I tried that for 19 years. And yeah....not so much! Over the long haul of things, I don't think that was what God expected or wanted or demanded of me. I think somewhere along the way, some idea or some other persons expectations of what a "good christian example" is got in and screwed up what He wanted from me all along. I am not saying that He doesn't want us to express our faith at all...or even be a part of a larger body of followers...but He wants the relationship to come first...and everything else to fall into place as He leads and guides my heart.

He has never intended for me to stuff things in, or to be phoney in any way. He wants and loves the real me....(which does not give me free license to be coarse, raucaous and inappropriate...or even to follow Brittneys lead of "Whoops, I did it Again) He wants openness, willingness to be out there...living my life with other people who don't know Him....He wants me to be real and honest with other people on this journey. I want the relationship but right now, I am trying to figure out how to not mess up other peoples ideas or expectations of how the expressions or observances of my faith look. Because in yet another conversation, with yet another friend, she said something to the effect of "you are such a good person, you're so much better than I am...I just rarely make it to church." Bluauaahahhahghghghgg!

Rising up out of my chair I nearly screeched at her....."are you kidding me? Being in church or at home in my garden doesn't have any bearing on how good I am! And especially in comparison to you...seriously! She had said this after we had talked about praying...and how for her it is just something she finds herself doing constantly, like an ongoing conversation! (Sounded very like she had things right) And if only she had been in my head recently while I sat in a service....well...honestly the things in my head....well...if I had been in that ongoing conversation, maybe they would have been different things! A good thing that came out of that services though was something said from the pulpit...or actually the runway...but the speaker said something similar to what my friend had said earlier in the week. He said "How often do we get the principles, but never know the person of Jesus? How often does that happen and to how many of us? And why have we let it continue for so long?



Right now, in this place in my life...I'm wanting very much to make sure I have those things in the right places, and order. Just a few things

The event

The event is over. And now, in the aftermath of what turned out to be a lovely day with many of the people who love gradzilla and us in general, I have a rare evening of relative solitude to look back on the events that brought us to and through today.

Only one week ago, in a last ditch effort to make the house "presentable", my living room was looking a little like picture l and 2.....and finally, after what seemed like no time, my dear friend had transformed my otherwise "jankey" living room into picture 3's inviting space. At one point today, while it rained for a bit, this room looked curiously close to what I imagine the "red tent" was like in ancient Jewish tradition. Seriously, almost every woman and young girl here were packed into this room, lounging and talking and laughing!

Last night, on the eve of the big day, when most people in my family would be frantically cleaning and doing other sundry preparations, I threw caution to the wind and just had fun with these two special women in my life. (pic 6) We painted our toenails, some of us sucked down way too many Mexican ales, and laughed, talked, spoke truth, expressed shock and loved each other unconditionally!



The preparations kicked into high gear when these three women arrived about 12:15 to "run" the show. They gave up their days today to help serve my guests, to make sure that the food didn't run low, and to infect others with their smiles! Seriously....look at these women smiling...I only wish I could record Paula's laugh on this blog....its very akin to an infectious cackle! Love these women!

And then, before I knew it, the party had ended. The last of the guests had left. Most of the cleaning up had been done. I looked out at the road and saw this pile....the spoils of the day! Nothing says "a good party" like 25 bags of trash and two full recycling bins! Currently, I am incredible thankful that I have a one- price- takes- all plan with the garbage men! This day could have put me into a serious financial crunch otherwise!

Going back into the house, I looked into the backyard and caught sight of the empty tent with tables, absent of cloths and centerpieces, chairs and people, and a wash of melancholy seeped over me. I feel a little like Steve Martin in the opening scene of Father of the Bride....exhausted from the work of it all, emotionally spent from the love that seemed to be every where I turned, and realizing that in the aftermath of this day, is the end of this chapter for Thing one. The graduation festivities are officially over...and she is officially on her way into the next chapter of her life.

Fortunately for me, I was able to be fully part of this day with her and for her. Even as I write this, I am listening and answering questions that she and her two BFF's are asking from them counter...as they stuff themselves with leftovers. The summer now awaits us...full of lots of exciting new prospects and adventures....and the memories that will linger from this incredible day....that took months of memories to get too...I wouldn't change a thing!

....the saga continues

In the ongoing saga of the open house....on Tuesday I finally located the tent...and they are indeed still planning on bringing it tomorrow to set up in the morning! YEAH!!!!

....my parents were here yesterday to "help", and we ended up with a plumbing issue that is still not totally fixed, but considering it didnt bother me to begin with, I am willing to live with the small spray that now comes out of the sink handles when you turn on the water in the MAIN bathroom that will be used during the open house! My mom spent 4 hours cleaning out the sliding glass door tracks...which, truth be told...I didn't even think were dirty to begin with...let alone 4 hours worth of cleaning with some kind of lye mixture, dirty! Apparently I live in squallor and don't realize it...and honestly, I am totally ok with that!

While rearranging the family room to make room for picture boards and tables, I knocked off the DVD/VCR.....shattered....broken...going to the landfill as we speak!

But I have a tent. And food...I ordered the food! It's all coming together.

My friend stopped by last night to look at gradzillas picture boards...and asked "who is this woman with your kids?" I looked over her shoulder and reeled back in horror...evidently I had a whole time frame of horrific hair and waxen make-up phase that I have blocked out...and evidently I didn't know my current BFF, because if I did I am certain she would have made me do something about myself! It was good that she stopped by last night...I needed a little brevity to be able to move forward.....

In the middle of all of this, I have realized a few things. Putting on an open house is damn hard work...but although I am the lone parent here, I have not been alone in this task. I have had much help and support from some of the most amazing friends that I can imagine. Not just in preparing for this....but even in raising and nurturing my kids. Without all of the people that God has put on this path with me, I know for certain that I would have crumbled long before now.....

So....broken DVD player and leaky faucets and all....I am looking forward to celebrating this weekend with all of the people who love gradzilla....and me...and who I am fortunate to be doing life with in this place!

Head in Ass

WARNING: If you are prone to excessive worrying and hand wringing...read no further...if you are a judgemental and pious finger pointer...read no further...if you need to feel better about your little bout of forgetfulness like say perhaps, you forgot to take the garbage out last night instead of this morning...then read on...you will feel much better about yourself!

When my dad comes over to my house, occasionally he finds some thing or another that I have forgotten to do, or misplaced or neglected. On these occasions he feels compelled to say as he shakes his head in scorn and dismay..."Carolyn..you need to get ur head outta your ASS."

As today has unfolded, I have found myself saying it to myself....the rub there is, that currently my head is so far stuffed up my ass that I am unable to hear anything but a muffled "wha, wha, whah, wha..." much like the peanuts adults.

Item l. Got up and went to class, only to discover that I had not read the syllabus correctly. No class today!
Item 2. Went to financial aid office, discovered that I need to turn in some pertinent information by Wed. to receive the financial aid.
Item 3. Went to consult with the 5-O only to discover that my PPO had expired...NICE! Just when I need it!
Item 4. Realized that I had neglected to order food for open house from the caterer...then promptly forgot again!
Item 5. Called to reconfirm tent rental...and realized that I had all the information EXCEPT who the EFF I rented it from....and no one remembers talking to me...
....and no one has tents left! MAJOR HEAD IN ASS!
Item 6. Received follow up mail about two important matters..l. My 2007 tax audit that I forgot to send verification information about...delaying my 521 dollar refund even longer. 2. Misplaced financial verification in another area, thereby making me unacceptable as a person in general!
Item 7. Didn't drag yard waste to curb...and now it will be yard ornamentation for the tent less, food-sparse open house.
Item 8. Ran into two people while out who did not receive invitations to said sparse and hot, shade free open house...who were distinctly miffed and did not seem to believe or accept my heartfelt apologies...and encouragement to just come anyway!

It is now 6:22. I want to go to bed. I haven't fed my family. I need to keep cleaning. I want to run away. I need to finish homework. I need some kind of grease or oil to unwedge this melon that is so far ensconced in my ass that I cannot for the life of me seem to get it out!

out of sorts

Out of sorts. That's how I have been feeling the last day or two. Oddly, even in the aftermath of some amazing and unexpected answers to prayer.

I have talked often of the thing or things I want most. Actually it is not just a thing, but a whole life with a person who has my whole heart. That life will not happen easily. Neither one of us is the easy or quick choice. After a brief interruption in our journey, it seems that maybe we can sort out the obstacles and find the path to becoming a reality.

Sometimes in the aftermath of very real conversations and huge dreams....the enemy of our hearts can step in and try and steal them away. I think that is happening right now. And while I recognize that, I feel a little powerless to stop it. If he (the enemy) could stop two families from becoming one, especially if that family combined is stronger and longs to follow the One who loves them more than any other, wouldn't that be a huge thing. I think one of the biggest places he attacks is the heart of families. Our two families separately are proof of that. The person who has my heart and I are both doing the best job that we can to raise kids who love God....but we long to do that together...to bring balance and perspective into each others worlds.

Anyway...even writing all of this, I still feel out of sorts about it all. I guess it all comes back to the BELIEVING that He is able to do EXCEEDINGLY AND ABUNDANTLY beyond what either one of us could ask or imagine. Believing that in the day to day when I can't be where I want to be...or with the people that I want to be with, that eventually it will happen...and that I have no interest in letting the enemy of my heart undermine what God promises to" those who love Him and are called according to His purpose!"

BELIEVE: THE ADDENDUM

A few other things I want to believe tonight......


That these peonies will bloom all summer, keeping me ever smiling and happy when I look at them in my yard and on my table.

....and that in the morning, when I wake up, the mulch shoveler and his elves will have emptied this trailer!

and that this hair is purely a horrific by-product of the humidty, and not a permanent atrocity that I will have to struggle with forever!

BELIEVE

My friend brought me this little rock today. She said she saw it yesterday, and felt compelled to buy it and then didn't. She claimed that her lack of listening to her instinct caused her to be "gloomy". So, in an effort to snap herself out of the gloom, she went back and got it today.

We haven't talked in the last day or two....she had no idea how much I really needed to be reminded to just believe. I have been believing something for a long while now. I have been waiting and believing....and I think maybe....idk....but anyway...just when I think maybe...I started to let a little fear and uncertainty creep in. A little over thinking and second guessing...and WHAMO....I took my eyes off of believing.

It comes as no surprise now, that just when I was faltering, someone who cares about me, who has believed with me...(or at least plied me with wine in her hot tub while I struggled with it), felt the nudge to pick up a reminder for me. She said she thought it might be a little "jankey", but she didn't care...I can put it in my unmentionable draw if I want! I'm not putting it there...It is right here, where I can see it first and last everyday, just in case I start to let it slip away again.

missing

These days my dear friends are leaving in flocks. This going away party was sooo sorely lacking one dear friend in particular, that some of us just went ahead and pretended like she was there. First, Zac wanted to talk and laugh about all his old memories from his "manny" job last summer. Then Darrel just wanted to explain (once again) why she couldn't go "staff lunch". Anne and I just were pissed off that she left and wanted to glower and plead with her to come back. Anne thought she might just be ticked off and ignore her. Dave and Darrel just wanted one parting picture of the "dream team", the three amigos....and Anne and I realized we just wished she was sitting there hanging out and laughing with us. We mused on this day, where was are friend now? What was she doing while we were missing her. And then we found out........



...here she is...living the dream in her "quick set" pool...in the DIRTY SOUTH!!!

Knowing is not believing

Occasionally when I am re-reading something that is familiar to me, I am careless with the words, and in my mind somewhere I am thinking, "yeah, yeah...I know this, or that....", or worse, I think, with an air of superiority, "Oh yeah, that's true, and I kinda nod...as if to confirm for myself that I believe or actually do what I am reading..."

I caught myself tonight. I was re-reading this passage..."that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, beyond what we could ever ask or imagine..." There I was, in the chair....thinking, how true I know this to be...and then it hit me.

In a number of circumstances on my mind and heart currently, I believe that He can do what I am asking, or imagining....but I am not truly believing that He can do MORE...and exceedingly and abundantly beyond....?

I want to believe it. I want to believe it for me, but also for other people too. I want them to know it and believe. Tonight I am wondering....how do I do that...how does anyone. Is believing this and other things that God claims or promises just a matter of knowing, reading and understanding.

Does my fear, doubt and worry get in the way of fully KNOWING this? I don't think it is really just an issue of knowing though. But maybe it is something that I need to just keep repeating, keep re-reading, keep in front of me....and after a time, maybe I will embrace and understand it. Maybe it is the process of time that takes what I know and transforms it into that which I can totally believe!

For Beth

So today, after a night of no sleep because I was chaperoning a senior celebration/lock in last night...I am feeling really, really good. Its prolly just the cycle of the moon...but right now I don't really care.

So, while in my really, really good...feeling like I'm all that kind of mood...I went to the grocery store. Kinda strutting it up while flying through picking up some stuff to make dinner for some friends...I see and acquaintance and smile...again...thinking I am ALL THAT.....i careen around the corner and totally take out a CASE of wine....Merlot actually....and i kinda wanted to just get down and suck it up...but that would have been very unsavory....and counter productive to my thinking I was all that....anyway...I schlepped outta there...and proceeded to the hardware to get yet another key made for one of our cars. While there, I struck up another jaunty conversation with someone at the register...again...kinda cocky....when I went out to get in my car there was a Pool van next to my car...with one of those kinda scruffy pool guys in it....so while i was smiling at him I threw open my car door....and SCREAMED....the man from the register was sitting in it!

Of course...it wasn't really MY van....just a look alike....so there I was, again, schlepping away from that encounter....totally horrified at myself....but laughing.

My whole peacock attitude I realized is because the song "This is why I'm hot" is playing on repeat in my head.....and I've been believing it.....AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Ah...the power of the not so subliminal suggestion.....

I'm just glad..."You look so dumb right now" isn't on replay! Actually it probably should be!

KAYSAK

A few short years ago, these 5 girls were permanent fixtures in my home. They were inseperable friends...in 9/10 grade...they cheered, went to dances, talked to senior boys, ate dinner at Olive Garden...

They called themselves KAYSAK....

Tomorrow they graduate. They are not the inseperable friends that they once were, but I am certain that they will all be remembering those days, tomorrow and in the days ahead. They helped introduce me, a new mom to high school life, to the ins and outs of the modern day life of teenagers.

There was nothing these girls would not say or talk about...or ask. When I first met them, most of them had not had their first real kiss. They had never had their hair done for a formal dance. They had not yet snuck out of a window to hang out on the lawn or a swing at 3 am with boys that could drive up quietly. They loved to make tons of food for bonfires and spent hours getting ready only to pull sweatshirts on over freshly done hair. None of them could drive, but they all knew "responsible" big brother types who would take them anywhere....(yeah..right)

Once they started experiencing stuff...they would spill it all, over boxes of waffles and Edy's Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough Ice Cream....or in the car, driving back and forth to Lexa's moms, or to Taco Bell....or to football games or dinner....

Looking back, I realize what a priviledge I had in sharing in these memories with them...that laughing, crying, agonizing, fighting....what an honor it was for me to be a part of their lives for this short while. I miss them. Together as a posse....but these days they have grown in different directions...some of still hang here...some I rarely see...some come in and out...and it is like no time has passed.....Katy, Ashley, Savannah, Alexa and Kelly.....I love you girls!

Today has been long. Not necessarily bad long...just long. An interview at Starbucks at 8AM.....then some hard core lawn mowing....complete with mowing up a rug...which led to some "issues", which of course I was ill equipped to handle...then it began to storm...so on to the inside where I helped Elsa HOE OUT HER STY (i mean room). One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was changing sheets, cleaning, vacuuming..the whole shabang....keeping busy is good...keeps my mind from drifting too far....

...then I took another kid shopping for shoes and unmentionables....the only thing worse than shopping for those two things is shopping for bathing suits and dresses...which sadly I did earlier this week for myself...GRRRRR.....

And now I have arrived back home....and I am going to indulge in one of my favorite luxuries....climbing into clean sheets, fresh with lavender spray...and read! On a beautiful spring evening with the wind blowing the curtains....pure bliss. At the end of a day filled with lots of things.....my haven awaits!

Interpretations

Soooo....sometimes I think hmmm...what are people thinking. Or rather, how is their interpretation of things so clearly different. Not right or wrong really...well, maybe sometimes, but just...different.

Take tonight for example. Someone offered me a beer. I asked, "Is it good beer?" and they answered, "Yeah, its good." So tonight I had my first, (and last) Miller Genuine Draft! Clearly not good beer. And also clearly not agreeing with me now!

Tonight someone looked at me and said "Oh, you polished your toes!", to which I answered "Yes, indeed I did." Later when I took off my new girly shoes...the same person looked down, chagrined and said..."I thought you said you polished your toes?" "I did....you didn't ask how many...I just did the 2 that showed in my shoes." (I little trick I learned from my BFF!)

Recently I had a conversation that was going to be continued "later".....I have learned that "later", or "in a bit" mean different things to different people. Some people think "later" means like in a few hours or a day or so....others perceive "later" to mean.....anytime at some point in the future...possibly weeks.....the same thinking goes for "in a bit." The time reference for those two words/phrases in clearly ambiguous.

I put in a job application a month ago...actually like 5 weeks. The manager said that they needed to hire some people quickly. He called today. To some people "quickly" means in a week or two, to others it clearly means "at some point in the future." Kinda like "later!"
Now I'm going to have to call the manager back and tell him that I still have a desire to work for his company, but I can't start work for "a bit."

Interestingly, I'm certain that coming from me, or from my perspective, that phraseology won't fly. I'm sure the job will no longer be available "in a bit", or "later." How unfortunate is that.

Anyway...here I am tonight, putting off my homework for a "little bit"....I'm also thinking about going up and rousting out a "good" malt beverage!

things creep up

Things creep up. Before you know it, time has slipped past, years actually...and you find yourself sitting up late on the eve of your child's very last, last day of public school. It's amazing the things that can run across a person's mind on a night like this.

Of course, this isn't how I pictured things to be. Therein lies its own sadness. Not only is life changing and moving forward for her, but it is for me as well. And on the cusp of this new phase in her life....I find myself a little frantic about my own. That in and of itself is something I didn't expect or plan or envision for this time.

This is all very surreal...I don't feel engaged in the process...it seems much more like I am reacting to the events rather than cherishing them or experiencing them to the fullest. It feels very much like life is spinning a little out of control around me....and the more I fight to keep it upright, the more it tilts and leans. Tonight I am finding myself wanting more than anything to put on the brakes...and experience the next few days in slow motion...to seer them into my memory....

Knowing that raising a responsible, albeit slightly "blonde" daughter has been a huge part of my life for the last 17 years, I am sitting here tonight wondering, What next? Somehow I know my role as her parent is never going to be over...but now things change a bit. I am a little fearful that in the next phase I won't do so well with the letting go part. The part where I trust what has been taught and modeled...the part where I watch as she grows into maturity, praying all the while that somehow she has "caught" some of the good stuff, amidst a sea of bad....

Tonight I have found myself feeling more alone than I have ever been....while she and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and remembered lots of stuff together.....tomorrow and in the days ahead she will be remembering lots of that stuff with her friends....but tonight was just for us....and sitting here now, I remember just exactly when I felt like this for the first time with her. It was the night she was born. After her dad had left the hospital, the nurses had done their rounds...and it was just the two of us there in the room...her snuggled up, in my arms, dozing in and out....and crying some too...I felt a little alone and uncertain on that night too....unsure of what lay ahead for us....on that night...I didn't even see this one coming!

All that is good

Every time I go on vacation with my kids, I am reminded that I am blessed beyond reason. For whatever quirky reason...we do well on vacation...things seem easier, we actually remember why it is that we enjoy each other. Vacations for us, bring out the best....and I realize how unusual that can be.

This weekend, despite highs of 63 and 58....we jet skied and tubed....for HOURS! The kids SHIMMED, and I do mean SHIMMED into wetsuits...and never complained..about the cold, the wind, taking turns....it was pure adventure and fun! Noah and Elsa fished...of course, if they didn't have an awesome Aunt Patty this would have never been possible...their mother and Uncle John would rather run the Boston Marathon NUDE, than put a worm on a hook or take a fish off of it!

We enjoyed lazy hours reading, talking, playing games, napping.....and of course American Idol playoffs on the Wii! Noah and Fiona being the current champions!

My sister is an amazing cook...and RELAXED AND EASY to work with in the kitchen....she also makes a mean low-carb margarita....(maybe its just me, but if ur drinking tequila and eating mexican...how many more calories are there really in lime-aid and triple sec...I'm just saying).

We cooked some great stuff and had enormous fun doing Highs and Lows around the table...its amazing, that when on vacation, it becomes increasingly difficult to pick a low....

I had some much needed time to think....no answers, but lots of thinking....I suppose that's good, although right now I'm back to the fence....the BFF empathetically says things are bound to change....they can't stay like this forever...I'm trying to believe her....in any event she also reminded me that she'll be here in 25 days!!!

Driving home today I was tempted to get all bogged down with the stuff that clouds my vision...and then I saw theses pictures from the weekend....and I'm reminding myself of all that is good and wonderful in today.

Just like Israel

Just a quick missive from northern Michigan:

BEING STILL AND WAITING....not so much!

Why is it that just when you think you have something down, that it becomes so much more difficult?  

I feel so much like the the Israelites, running from God...and not knowing it or really realizing it..while they were in the middle of it.  Sometimes I am left realizing that I put "this idol and that idol" or" this god or that god", in front of all that He truly desires from me.  And when it all boils down....does He want all that much, aside from my heart?  Not really.  

Trusting Him

Obedience

Loving Him before all else

That really isn't a big list....and I think that encompasses all that He wants from me....

Being still up here...well, that has been kinda hard....the being still in my mind.  The trusting.

I'm beginning to feel again, like the Israelites...impatient with His plan and wanting to rush ahead with my own...fortunately for me, I have had enough time being still to realize that MY PLANS SELDOM WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT....and, I also don't want to end up like Israel, in exile for hundreds of years, or dying in the desert before entering the promised land....

For now....I'm working on all of this...for now....who am I kidding..I'm gonna be working on all of this for a lonnnnggg time...just like Israel!

The weekend

OK, so I am sooo sneaking this little blog in while Olivia SLAVES away cleaning out the car...and by cleaning I mean she took out all the seats and like detailed it...I am supposed to be inside paying bills and finishing up last minute packing...and here I sit!

We are going to my sisters for a couple of days of jet skiing, beach lounging, and hopefully some margaritas....what I am most looking forward to while there is just having a little more time to BE STILL!

I am hoping to run along Lake Huron...my first non-treadmill venture...and just really listen and spend time with Him. I need a little space I think to ponder alot of things...and just wait. This week has been easier in that venture...(now that I said it, it will all change)...but I am learning that no matter how things change and shift in all of the lives around me....God is still God...and He isn't going anywhere...EVER!

When we get back, we have a cookout with still another set of dearly loved friends who are leaving this place. They were here for lunch today....and it took every last ounce of my energy not to just sit at the counter and blubber. They have been Jesus in flesh to my children and I, especially during the last few years...we have just "done life" with them...their two kids spent every day with me for the last 4 years...we have laughed and cried together....sat around campfires and counters talking and laughing for hours. This weekend will be our last picnic together for a long time I think. I am so excited for the new opportunities that wait for them....but I am despondent at the loss of their everydayness in our lives.

I guess that is how life is though....ebb and flow....changes happen all the time, when we least expect them....this weekend I am going to try and "find my place" with all that that encompasses.....and just BE STILL AND WAIT!

FULL OF MYSELF ADVICE

This occurred to me this afternoon in the car while driving all over hell and gone...and not just occurred..but this hit me like an actual EPIPHANY...like the light on the Christmas tree in CHRISTMAS VACATION...

If everyone just listened to me..and I mean really LISTENED and they actually BELIEVED WHAT I TELL THEM....and then actually took my advice....LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT!

I called my BFF to see what she thought about my insight...and she agreed...wholeheartedly...but then again she thinks exactly like I do...which reinforced my epiphany....and then I asked her if what I was wishing for was bad (and I'm not saying it, because most people would be horrified and shocked that this wish would even flutter through my mind) and she said, "no, I wish the same thing sometimes." So....maybe eventually others will follow...ahahhahahahahahhaha!

Anyway...that's all I got...just a little epiphany recap...IF EVERYONE LISTENED AN BELIEVED, LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT!

Being Still and other Hard Stuff

Late Saturday night when I was preparing my GracePlace lesson, (and by late I mean 1am), I had the first in a series of impressions about patience. I was teaching about Growth, and the whole idea of growing in our relationship with God and how in the process of that some things about how we live our lives change....or at least should change, while we allow Him to help us become His image here...where we live now!

Repeatedly I was reminded that to be a reflection of Him we choose to love even when its hard or with people who are unlovable, to be kind when we don't want too, to choose joy despite our circumstances, and to be patient....when we want to rush ahead and do things for ourselves, to sit and worry and wring our hands and become Chicken Little's, believing that what we want most will never happen...because its not happening NOW!

The second time the patience thing hit me was during worship on Sunday...before GP. We sang about being still and knowing that He is God....we sang about what happens while we wait....He makes us strong....and then we read a verse for Psalms 37....and of course I was all over the part about "delighting in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Oh yeah...I'm all about being delighted...(that is not sarcasm), I can honestly say that while I absolutely do not understand the what and why of life...I love that God is in it...doing what He does...you know...just being GOD!

So there I sat, a little smug, thinking about all the desires of my heart, (and obviously not about my selfish drifting), when this verse just like morphed off the screen....like in 3-D at me....."Be still before the Lord and wait PATIENTLY FOR HIM..."

I do an alright job of delighting in who God is....but in the being still before Him...and waiting patiently...NOT SO MUCH! The saddest part of that to me right now is, that I know this issue has come up before with me and God...this is not the first time that He has reminded me to be still...and patient. I'm starting to feel slightly obtuse here....and a little concerned that He might recommend me for Title 1 due to my lack of comprehension here on this.

I wonder what that would look like. Some more patience exercises....more things that I need to be patient about...more situations that require stillness....and listening. I had to wear the talking bib in 2nd grade once...(well, maybe more than that), and I'm thinking maybe God is considering something along those lines as well...some kind of reminder to not fill up all of my time with other stuff when I maybe need to be about being still and patient. Oddly, I was frustrated with someone recently about their lack of patience and need to just push along their own timeline, whether that is the right choice or not....and again, in that conversation, when I least expected it, God spoke to my heart and I was reminded....that I don't want to rush ahead of His plans, that waiting and being still and patient are good....that waiting for the right thing and not settling for less is always worth it in the end...no matter how hard it is in the process.

Right now, I'm waiting and being still in several areas of my life. It's hard. But I think I'm gonna make it....at least today.

She's come a long way

She has come a long way since her first formal dance in 9Th grade. Back then the whole day was frenzied with preparations and anticipation...she was ready hours before it was time to leave for the dance. On this day, the day of her last formal high school event, Prom "08...this lovely young women had not ONE moment of panic. At no point did she seem frantic or stressed out. She lolled around the house, painted her toenails on the kitchen table, repainted her fingernails, and spent a lot of time reminiscing about dances gone by. She didn't' let the fact that she had a horrible cold and no voice stop her from being excited about the evening. She got ready like an old pro....and came downstairs....for the last time...in a dress that looked amazing on her

I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in the course of the evening when I thought I might be morphing into my dad....like when I took the picture of she and her BFF...I have this same picture of the two of them from every dance that they have gone to in high school...12....seeing the friends who have all grown into strong minded young women. Her high school years have been full and rich with the important things....great friendships, girl drama, more laughing than seems humanly possible...and a seemingly endless parade of boys! All of the things that she will hopefully look back on with fondness....

I realized tonight that raising teenagers is a fun gig....most of the time! I also realized that I have 42 more dances to take pictures at....there are going to me lots more dresses...and at the end of that... tuxes! LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GURL~

Today is a very special day. If I could be anywere today it would be in Arkansas, celebrating the day my BFF was born. That's what you do on peoples birthdays...you celebrate them and their lives! You stop and remember all of the reasons why they are amazing and you revel in the fact that you have the priviledge of knowing them. If I were there celebrating her day with her, these are some of the things I would say and remember.

~I am amazed and inspired by your courage
~I absolutely love that you are outspoken
~I am in awe of your skills with power tools
~You push me to speak the truth
~You make me laugh when you speak it...and then say seriously...WTF
~Again, I laugh because you think potatoe skins are a meal
~I learn so much from you....especially about geography
~You force me to think about people in places I have never heard of....and the fact that anything we may experience is small, because in Myanmar they live 20 to a hut
~Your compassion and dreams for young women challenges me
~Your ability to have FUN despite any and all issues that land either of us in shit creek is your otter at its best

Some of the things I would remember and laugh about that can be written in a public domain:

Hmmmm....I guess most of those things need only be reminisced in private...aahhahahahahhahahah

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GURL~~

Today I am celebrating you...KRISTA!

LIFELINES

These five items have become LIFELINES for me. Life everyday now would be mere existence without these items.

The interesting thing about all of these things is that 7 months ago, none of them were apart of my daily life. NONE!

Looking back, (which I don't really want to do), I can pinpoint when each one became important. The shoes and inserts...late March..after realizing that I couldn't run without them.

The Medication...late April....after nearly giving up the exercise because of knee and foot PAIN!

Bike seat....mothers day....and none too soon...I have absolutely NO IDEA how anyone bikes any distance at all on those THONGS of the bike seat world!

And the lilacs...well, they come every spring. Year after year I am reminded how much lilacs make me smile. They make me happy...just to see the full, lush bushes, in varying shades of purple...and the smell of them on spring evenings....absolutely
NOSTALGIC! I grew up in a neighborhood overrun with lilac bushes....always begging to be picked and presented to a deserving mom....just to say ....I love you!
( Oddly, my mom was here yesterday and put the lilacs out on the deck while she stayed....because they are just too....(mom waving her hand in disgust in front of her nose!) I wonder, did she feel that way when I brought them to her as a child, or is age just making her forget about the simple pleasure and beauty of the seasons and their flora and fauna?

Anyway....these five items today I celebrate. That I can use them, take them, ride them and enjoy them....everyday....in 7 months, who knows what my lifelines will be....I only know what they WON'T BE!