A Little Creepy...and Disturbing!

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have somehow lost the understanding and appreciation of children's literature. The pure whimsy of it. Don't get me wrong, the story here in my 6 year olds reading book is wonderful. Very funny. Thought provoking. Some good critical thinking opportunities.

But Poppleton as seen below, is only partially dressed. For some reason this is incredibly perplexing for me. Many a children's book has been written with clothed animals. Not disturbing or peculiar to me at all. Some books contain animals au naturale...again...I embrace the authors choices.

The partially dressed Poppleton disturbs me. Maybe its his glowing pinkness. Possibly it is that his legs, with cloven hooves stretched taut, seem very "ham-like." Did the author vacillate about how to showcase Poppleton in the best possibly light, to ensure capturing the children's attention and imaginations?

He certainly succeeded in capturing mine. I feel embarrassed for Poppleton. Like he is somehow the emperor.....in half-clothes! I also feel compelled to tell him to not sleep on his back....not very attractive Poppleton! Maybe it's because of the recurring nightmare/paranoia thing about showing up somewhere without pants....kinda like Arthur did!

Anyway....my 6 year old absolutely LOVED THIS PAGE! (which in my opinion may be slightly concerning) He re-read it 3 times. Then he read it to each of his sisters when they got home! They all laughed hard.....and shared my views..."Poppleton seems a little creepy with only a night shirt on...where are his pants?"

As far as the reading of Poppleton went, Noah gets 5 stars...whizzed right through it. He told me tonight that you can say "the" 2 ways...."thee" or "the." He prefers "thee", "Because it sounds more interesting!" Very Elizabethan!

CREVICES

I was reading today about the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. A place where Jews have been going and leaving behind their petitions to God for hundreds of years.

I don't think there is any politically correct or right or wrong way to leave your prayers and such there, but often people write down their worries and stick the little scraps of paper in the ancient crevices there. And then they just walk away.

While I've never been to the wailing wall, and honestly I probably will never go....the idea of writing down the things that are weighing heavily on me and sticking them in a crack somewhere seems kind of appealing. But then what? I think I would go back and pull out the paper and see if somehow God had penned back a solution, or a quick fix tip...or even a small word of encouragement to let me know that turning it over to Him was a good step.

My big issue with anything that I need to turn over and let go of is that I don't do it completely. I seem to always rethink and come up with some different slant or angle and then think...hmmmmm...I can handle this thing or that thing again...I just need to do it a little differently. Then ultimately, I am back to where I was when I needed to jam the little scrap of worry or struggle in the crack to begin with, and where does that leave God?

Still there, just looking at me a little more perplexed by my lack of faith and trust. I think He shakes His head and laughs alot at people like me....the ones who say they trust Him, and try and put Him first. The ones who know, know, know that they know....

In the turning over and letting go of things, in the trusting and waiting....well, I kinda suck at that...its HARD.....

I read this today and it kinda helped my perspective a little: "Maybe turning things over is not the solution to everything but, you do what you can. Then you get out of the way, because you're not the one who does the work anyway."

All I have to do is turn it over....and then He does the work? Tonight I'm writing some things on scraps...and turning them over....cuz I am getting weary of trying to do the work. Oh yeah, and I need to find some kind of crevice to jam em in.....

...I can think of a couple of places....but I probably need to write those down too!

SANGUINE

Today I got my official financial aid confirmation for my spring/summer terms.

For the bargain basement price of $1947.00 I have discovered that I am SANGUINE!

SANGUINE: hopeful, cheerful, buoyant, optimistic and sunny.

I also have a healthy dose of not wanting to be apart of anything that isn't FUN.

Hmmmm...I paid $1947.00 to discover some things that I already know quite clearly about myself. My top four personality traits in the first test:

Interpersonal: values the ability to develop and maintain relationships between people
Trusting: Willing to rely upon and believe in the integrity of others, always assuming a positive outcome. (that's panned out well in recent months...ahaha)
Intuitive: Knowing something without consciously thinking it out, sensing how others feel without being told.(again...ditto)
Emotional: Feeling things deeply!

For the bargain basement price! I could have told anyone these things about myself for free...actually, I am pretty sure I have...especially #2...I'm pretty sure that's code for POLLYANNA! And interpersonal...duh! Intuitive? seriously, this one I always second guess...most recently this cost me much/combined with #2....can be DEVASTATING! (fool)
Emotional, well this one would have been a surprise 6 months ago...but now...not so much.....

I know these things about me...and sometimes I don't love these things. Sometimes I wish for just one moment I could be idk...maybe Phlegmatic: languid, lethargic, listless, indifferent, and passive. I.E. Organized, Planned, detailed....those things seem less......well, just less. Less likely to feel, less likely to be disappointed, less likely to be let down.

They are also less likely to be engaged in the lives of people who matter. Not just people who matter to me...but people who matter to God. While sometimes I don't like these things about me...they are things that make me who I am, and that God can use to help other people (people who matter to HIM) Sometimes I have to remember that what is comfortable to me, what is fun for me, isn't always what He wants from me. Sometimes He wants me to be uncomfortable, to be emotional for and with other people, to believe the best in them, especially when they aren't believing that for themselves. Sometimes He wants me to build or maintain a friendship not because of who the person is, but because of what I sense they are feeling or experiencing.

For the bargain basement price of $1947.00 I am learning to accept how God wired me. Learning to embrace the qualities that I wish were different. And trying not to regret the times I haven't paid attention, or when I have trusted too much....

My friend learned she was an otter or $125.00....and some other disappointing news, (lmao), so currently I'm feeling a little like I should have clipped a coupon...but alas...there are still 6 more surveys to go in my class...who knows what else may be revealed? For that price....I fricken better be the long lost daughter of one of the Kennedy's....

At the rivers edge

Last night I found myself needing to desperately clear my head....for a number of reasons....mostly the same ones I've been trying to get away from...so ANYWAY....the kids were all ensconced in American Idol, so I hopped on my bike and went for a quick 7 mile ride. And it was quick because I needed to ride fast and peddle hard!

On the trail I started to coast for a bit...and I came on this scene...beside the river. This man and woman were sitting there on a blanket, a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses....and they had their feet in the river....and they were washing each others(feet)...it looked like they were talking softly...they were LOOKING at each other...intentionally....

I don't know these people, but I could tell in my fleeting glimpse into their intimate moment at the rivers edge, that right now, they LOVE each other. The CARE for one another....they ENJOY each others company.....

I spent the next several minutes desperately fighting the desire to go back and intrude on their scene. I wanted to talk to them...to tell them to CHERISH what they have right now...to not let it go...for any reason...to not give up, because it won't always be like this, but to not ever take what they have for granted. I wanted to tell them that the LOVE they have is a gift....and it is fragile and can be fleeting...I wanted to tell them to never STOP looking intentionally into each others eyes....to never STOP talking softly.....

I didn't go back. Instead I just fell back on what I know to be better than any words I might ever say....I prayed. For them, for me, for others like us out there.

The kind of funny thing about it all was...that along with the honest words I wanted to share with them about cherishing what they have....I also wanted to say...."Whoa...dudes...do you realize that you are washing each others feet literally in "Shit Creek?" I mean, its a romantic gesture and all, but seriously....ECOLI!!!

All in all it was a good ride. My head was cleared....my body was sore and exhausted....and I discovered that my heart is only mildly jaded by my own experiences of late....

Thing #5 and the Diagnosis!

While we wait for the next step in the diagnosis process with Thing #l, it has become everyones favorite pastime to give their advice, tell their own stories of similar issues, ask questions and then proclaim their own diagnosis. I started to think yesterday that maybe I should make up one of those "buy a square" things that everyone does for the Superbowl...you know, a raffle of sorts!

This morning as Thing #5 was sitting at the counter smacking his bagel and slurping down his peach juice, he started to ask some questions about Thing #l. He was totally serious. His brow kind of furrowed as he listened to my responses...nodding his head as he took it all in. This is how it went.

Noah: Is this blood coming from the place it always does?
Me: Ummm...well, its in her poop...people don't usually have blood there.
Noah: Oh, so she doesn't need all those sticks and diapers she always uses?
(In a house of 5 women, Noah thinks Thing #1 is the only one who uses the feminine products, LMBO...and we let him believe it)
Me: Nope.
Noah: (After long pause with more smacking on bagel) Well, she eats a lot of sugar...its probably that. That isn't good for you. She had 5 pieces of birthday cake at the party! (long pause)
Even though shes a "good sized girl", that's still too much sugar.

A good sized girl! He didn't mean that like it sounded, but I laughed really hard. Not that Thing #1 would think that was funny, what 17 year old wants to be called a "good sized girl" LOL! And the funny thing....she thinks she is. She is loving the whole liquid diet for 2 days, if only for its potential to drop 5 lbs.

When she gets up to "go" again in the next five minutes, I'm going to assure her that her 6 year old brother had become a diagnostician and proclaimed that all her issues are due to "too much sugar!" I think I'll leave out the rest of the convo until she's back on solid foods....she's getting a little testy from lack of food.....probably some sugar withdrawals too!

The wait

....and now we wait. I hate waiting. Who really does like it..seriously...is anyone really productive while they wait? Are we really changed in the process of waiting? What it the real point of waiting? (all rhetorical!)

The only good thing that can come from waiting for me, is that while I wait, I have to find something to get my mind off whatever it is I'm waiting on....and to do that I usually have to find something to laugh about.....and today I learned that I had passed on that absolutely AMAZING gene to my daughter.

While we began our wait, yesterday actually...her sister and friend began to make macabre jokes at her expense while she waited on the couch for the first round of test results. Patronizing her extreme case scenarios about what if its this?....with responses like....I'm sure if it was "that" your stomach would have already imploded and you'd be poopin way more than blood out your "arse!"
(For whatever reason, just saying the word "arse" makes them all laugh, which in turn makes me laugh...so, that's all good)

In the office today at her 8:15 appointment, Sav took great pleasure in taking and sending pictures of me, whilst I SLEPT in the ever so comfortable straight back chair.....she was puzzled by my innate ability to drop off to sleep in such a place...she has yet to learn about the coping mechanism called "escape!" As a mom of five, I learned it early.

After the Dr. came in and had asked all her questions and had moved on to the "exam", which somehow took Sav by surprise....hahahhahahahahah....the doc was puzzled by the strange green hue to the "sample" she had extracted from the "arse"....mother and child exchanged looks and then proceeded to laugh so hard we had trouble articulating to the vegan doc that Sav had helped herself to a serving bowl of BLUE MOON ICE CREAM.....at a friends house the night before...the results of which were in her swab!

Next on the agenda was a trip home with some lab vials...and by some I mean 8! A large sample was necessary....and since the 17 year old has been touting her near adulthood and impending legal rights to make her own choices and decisions as an adult....I, her mother chose to take this opportunity to let her handle things as an independent adult...and by handle I mean...get your own saran wrap and plastic spoon and divvy things up amongst your vials! Again....way too much laughter as she sifted through her specimen....pointing out all the things that she had enjoyed for dinner the night before with glee!

After the exhausting collection process, we both crawled into my bed and proceeded to drop off into deep sleep like a couple of narcoleptics....only to be awakened by our own snoring, numb arms, and drool! And gnawing hunger....it was in fact almost 1 o'clock. Sav was mesmerized by the fact that once I'm awake, I'm a regular mexican jumping bean of energy....quite the contrast to my lethargy in the earlier hours of the day....and I was dragging her along to get moving and out the door...the promise of a trip to Panera and Cold Stone the key motivators!

While having lunch her dad called. Her placating tone spoke volumes to me...and when she hung up, her exasperation turned to howls of laughter as she explained his summation of her current condition. "She needs to lay off the fat free cool whip....(apparently a known cause of internal bleeding.....NOT). She also needs to not exercise so much....a "light" walk is the healthiest thing you can do to stay in shape! Coming from a man who appears to have auditioned for an upcoming roll as the new Pillsbury Doughboy! (her words, not mine)

Even as we wait now for the results from the firmly packed vials....and prepare for more tests next week...she is able to laugh at what is to come....the prospect of "clear" stools....and waking up in a recovery room filled with old men, all flatulating in hopes of early release.....she is certain that she can put them all to shame.....QUITE THE LITTLE LADY I have raised......

For her, I will attempt to wait with grace, not worry. For her I will attempt to wait with patience and not fear. For her and with her I will laugh, as we wait.....together.

...and then this....

While today began with the best of intentions my goals quickly fell by the wayside with one phone call.

My oldest daughter has had medical issues...things that I thought were pretty normal...kinda blow off stuff...then I took her to the doctor.

Its curious how quickly the atmosphere in a room can change, with no actual words of alarm, but merely by the increased pace of a doctor, a brief exchange of eye contact with a mother....and BAM...you are left sitting there realizing that there could be way more to this thing than meets the eye. In that instant of realization, its funny the things that can cross your mind.....things like....important things....things that earlier today I determined to dwell on...its funny how my list of goals this morning took on a life of their own.

While I had determined to live in today....and not dwell on the past....I found myself living surreally in today, and my mind being flooded with memories of this girl who was sitting on the table with a terrified look in her eyes.

I was desperately wanting to move forward...away from anything that might have even the slightest hint of crisis.

Today my goal was to think about others. Well...that was accomplished. The only person I could think about today was someone else.

I remembered the things that are of real value to me. My children. My friends. The healthy lives that we live without thought or gratitude....I remembered that I need to value these things more....and that I have taken them for granted.

My state of mind has indeed been transformed in this day. The news thus far is promising. Tomorrow we move on to another step in the process. Tomorrow I am hoping to be beyond this little crisis....I am praying that tomorrow will not be as long of a day as today has been....I am praying that I may indeed have been correct, and that all of this is not really a big deal.....but until then....hmmm! Yeah...

Goal for Today

My goal today is to actually LIVE in it....not DWELL on anything....

My goal today is to actually try and MOVE forward...not look back...

My goal today is to actually THINK about other people....

My goal today is to actually PUT INTO PRACTICE....at least a few things I know are right.

My goal today is to actually not notice the TIMES....and live beyond them....

My goal today is to actually remember WHAT is truly of value....

My goal today is not a list....but a transformed STATE OF MIND.....



......i'm sure i will need to come back to this post periodically throughout my day to remind myself about these goals.....due to a pathetic downward spiral in attention span....(im blaming that on all the weed from back in the day....not my age!) But these are MY goals for today

Fallen Fences

I read some things today while I was waiting for Olivia to get her braces on...two hours worth of reading, actually, so in fact I read quite a few things...but a couple of things kept coming back to me in the course of the day...and I went back to my book and read and re-read them.

In Grace Eventually, the author points out that "it really is easier to experience spiritual connection when your life is in the process of coming apart. When things break up and fences fall over, desperation and powerlessness slink in, which turns out to be good: humility and sweetness often arrive in your garden not long after. ....there is meaning in pain, it teaches you how to survive with a modicum of grace when you do not get what you want."

How true this is for me. Over the course of my life, it has been during the times when I have been in the "process of coming apart" when I have totally and completely fallen into the arms of the One who created me and there I have experienced His grace....and tenderness, and also a bit of reproof....for my part in whatever the situation of the hour is. Oddly, today I realized that I have not always been particularly quick to find meaning in the pain....and most recently, I have not demonstrated even the slightest amount of grace in not getting what I want most. Recently, I have been far too petulant...not unlike a spoiled child stamping her foot....

Walking along these current "fallen fences" is new to me. And honestly, in the big picture of things...they were not really fences with footings or anything....really just temporary chicken wire stuff...but even when chicken wire folds up on itself, I realized that it is just as necessary to determine why they fell and then determine how to keep desperation at bay, and allow myself to be humble and rely on Him alone for my survival.....(not that any of this is going to kill me, but just healthy survival instead of mere existence)

My prayers recently have been along the lines of, "help me not to feel.....(fill in the blank), or show me how to.....(again, fill in the blank), but today I read this: "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine." The "fallen fences" over the course of my life have always and without fail changed me in ways I couldn't imagine.

Today I started to view them a little differently....a little more like opportunities that I have to connect, find meaning, grace and humility....and maybe in the process become a little less me, and a whole lot more changed to be like HIM!

the small project

Ths is the fabulous Shabby Chic light fixture that I hung

ALL BY MYSELF!!!

And it works, and no one died in the hanging of it (them).

My mom asked incredulously, "and it

really works...and its SAFE?

She has the gift of encouragement thats for sure!

The hallway is painted....the finished product makes me smile and feel calm, and light and airy....it still needs some stuff on the walls, but for now, this is cozy...and CHANGED.....

BRIGHT SPOTS

Just a few random bright spots from my day...cuz each day...that's what I'm choosing....the bright spots!

A) Today it did not snow in Michigan as forecasted!
B) Coffee with a friend...complete with BUZZ from her new hard wood floor finish!
C) Finished painting my hallway!
D) Hung two light fixtures ALL BY MYSELF......dropped er down!
E) Discovered that my BFF is a racist...a little disappointed in her....who knew!

E) may need some clarification. My BFF is living far far away from here now, in the dirty south. Apparently in the dirty south they do not have garbage removal like they do here in the wonderful sparkling north. So, today, after what must have been a long day of weeding and "yard waste" clean up, my BFF called to tell me that she paid a man named Victor Gonzales $35 to take away her "yard waste." I waited. Surely, I thought, there was some reason for her to tell me the mans name...if there wasnt a reason, then she would have just said, like non-racist people, I paid a man $35 to take away my "yard waste." But she told me his name...and then I asked, ever so delicately...."Was there some purpose in telling me the garbage mans name, or did you just want me to know that you paid an Hispanic man to take away your "yard waste?" Did a man named Reuben Weinstein come and take away your recycling bin? Realizing the PI of her wording she did what any upright person would do...she laughed.....and she laughed...and then laughed so hard that I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS SAYING...YET AGAIN....and then I laughed at her and with her....she tried to keep talking her way out of her racial faux pas, but with every snort dug herself deeper.....

This night, this snippet of inappropriate laughter and behaviour is exactly why she is my BFF....it is EXACTLY why I miss her so fricken much....this is going on my mental list of things that I can bring up whenever I need to laugh...along with a couple of other things.....

l. Earl
2. The duffel bag
3. Taking a picture of herself in the car
4. Her crack
5. Eric the sheriff
Those are my top five for tonight....randomly chosen bright spots!

....or were they?

For the last week I've been doing a ton of "yard work." Mostly though, I've just been intending to do yard work, and then conveniently getting sidetracked so as to avoid it. Thursday and Friday though...I actually busted it out. Raking, Grub-exing, weeding, the whole shebang...and now, on Saturday...I still can't seem to lift my shoulders. My fingers are permanently curled as if around a trowel of some sort.....(the perfect pose to still type...how convenient!)

Today I thought I'd change things up a bit...I moved inside To painting!

Love/Hate...that is my relationship with the paint...I love the transformation...I love the calm....HATE THE QUIET....the time that is just there! I turned on the radio. Didn't work. Called the BFF...can't talk and paint at the same time...missed her beyond belief...became horribly depressed...hung up....painted in the quiet some more. Tried to "take every thought captive." Seriously, I know its biblical and all...but HOW...that's what I want to know...HOW, do you keep your mind from wandering....

My mind wanders all over the map....like Forrest Gump on his cross country run! And to keep getting it in check, I had to keep doing other things that distracted me from the quiet....which in turn took me away from the painting...so here it is, 11 pm, and I am not as far along as I had hoped I would be...BECAUSE I HOPED I'D BE DANG DONE! But, like Scarlett O'Hara always says..."tomorrow is another day."

Tomorrow I think I may move back to yard work....more avoidance there....

While sitting here, I just realized that I totally forgot where I was going with this whole thing....it started with the yard work, moved to painting....I think it was about keeping busy and the value of not being idle that I was intending to get to, but suddenly....I'm starting to think that the key to facing things we don't want to face....is not to keep busy, not to sit and dwell, but to just look at them...in their entirety, live the emotions of them, grieve the changes, value the things that still are and just BE in it...live it, in the best way that we can. Eventually whatever it is that is consuming today, will be something to look back on and say.....those were fricken messed up days.....or were they?

GIVE ME WORDS TO SPEAK

What is it that drives this need to communicate? To speak either with my voice or written word? More importantly, for the last few days I have been pondering....what am I really trying to do...is this need to process things out in words some kind of catharsis...or is there really something of value that is trying to come out? (Rhetorical question)

Anyway...in the process of writing over the past few days, here and other places...I am drawing more and more to the idea that the things I write and say come from two places.

ME....and thats usually stuff that shouldnt pass my lips or fingertips...and certainly not anything anyone else needs to ever read, lest their eyes burn from their sockets or their ears melt from their heads. The me stuff.....well, I'm working on weeding that out.....because what I am trying to make more room for, I realized in a great song:

Callosued and bruised
Dazed and confused
My spirit is left wanting something more
In my selfish hopes
In my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down on the floor
Crying out for something more
Give me words to speak
Let my spirit sleep
Cuz I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe you my life
Give me words to speak
Don't let my spirit sleep
Every night
Every day
I find that I have nothing I can say
So I stand here in silence
Awaiting your guidance
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your words
Give me words to speak
(aaron shust)

That is what I want. To write or speak with my voice, and my wiring, but not out of my ken....but His...

So, I am spending more time sitting here in silence...waiting...not for whats in the forefront of my mind...but what is really in there...needing to come out....well, maybe needing is strong language...but you know...waiting...

So, more from the bike path....I seriously think I'm on to something here. First, I absolutely love to bike ride. Secondly, while I have been biking to distract myself and keep myself busy....I think He is using it to make me quiet and still...and able to hear Him and actually listen.

Of course, I'm not totally sure of that yet...but tonight...as I was biking along....my mind started to wander a bit, ( no surprise there), and I realized a few things. Of course no surprise, I totally already knew that I have been doing anything and everything I can to keep myself busy. Too busy to think about things I dont want to think about. You know, stuff that was, stuff that isnt anymore, stuff that isnt gonna be...those kinds of things. Stuff and things that can consume me, and take over....and make me incredibly......despondent....stuff that is sucking the life from me....

In keeping totally busy and distracted so I dont think about "stuff", I also am so busy and noisy in my head that I also kinda block out what He wants to say....other "stuff" that is way more important....

On the bike ride tonight I started to hear His voice...while the wind was whistling through my hair and ears...with the whir of the bike tires on the pavement...His voice reminding me that I am wholly His...and that He is still as amazing as ever....still in control, still right beside me..even on the downside of St. Roberts Hill!

And then, on Terrace Hill...going up...(huffin it BIG ASS TIME), I had this huge epiphany....as I was trying to make it at least a few feet further than the last time, and I did...3 more sidewalk spaces, that each day on this journey back from what was...that I am a little closer....each day, I am a few less "distractions" away from not needing to fill up my day....each day....

So I will keep on biking. Keep on trying to make it a few squares closer to the top of the hill....but more importantly...biking is keeping me quiet long enough to hear the One I need to listen too...and I am pretty sure bringing me a few squares closer to Him!

The Bike Ride

Last night I went on a six mile bike ride with a handful of my offspring. It was a beautiful evening on the trail....we rode hard and fast, the wind whipping our hair...the crisp smell of spring in the air. The somewhat undefinable scent of the Flint River wafting into our noses! Okay, so that part was nasty...but the rest was total fun!

And then morning dawned!

This morning I made a list of some things that would be wonderful gifts for mothers day.

l. Sunglasses
2. Bike seat that is not akin to a "toy" from Priscilla's.....with teeth!
3. An Asian eunuch to massage my calves and knees.
4. Glucosamine injections
5. Headsets that will put me on "com" like Jack Bauer and Chloe, so I can hear what my spawn are talking about from 1/2 mile up the trail.
6. I forgot about Jack.....I forgot how much I love Jack. I want HIM with a big bow!
7. A chain pulley system like at the car wash for the last 100 feet of Terrace Hill! (I was in my glory there, let me tell you)


All in all...I totally dig the whole biking thing. So does everyone else. We just have a few kinks to work out....and then....who knows....we might strike out across America....

Actually, we do have our eye on this really cool old railroad trial in WV....38 miles of sheer bliss....as long as I get a different seat!

Pollyanna

I don't do change well.

I seem like I do, but in reality, in my mind, and even my heart...I don't.

I wish I did.

I think I am the kind of person who can fake change well...you know, roll with the punches, put your best foot forward, look at the upsides. Pollyanna.

At some point in the faking it process though, I slowly begin to accept it. Changes. I'm not there yet.....I am still in denial that my BFF is living in another state and not around the corner.

I still hope she and others who have gone before her will return.

Back to accepting it. I'm in the bartering phase now....I think with God. The phase where I find myself asking Him...Please, let there be another way. Let this thing or that thing, or this or that person....you get what I'm saying.....

I have a friend who spoke/lead/taught/blabbered for the last time this week in the venue I have listened to him in for the last 7-8 years. I know that I will still hear him speak/teach and blabber again....but....still...I don't like the change.

My daughter is graduating. She visited her college last week. She is getting excited to leave the nest. I am too.

Kind of. I want her to leave, but I so DO NOT want her to go. I want to go back a few years, to relive some of them...to hold her, and all of my kids a little more closely. I love to watch them change...but then, I don't like the change.

With all of these changes....I am faking the upside, for myself and them. There are better things ahead. You have no idea what He has in store for you, you will make new friends, new places are filled with new and exciting opportunities...

Sometimes, when it gets quiet here....the realities of the changes settle around me like a damp overcoat....I've never been much of a coat wearer....

I keep throwing it off....and keep looking for the things to be "Glad" about.

Pollyana had to fall out of the tree before she realized fully the "Gladness" of change....I think I'll opt for a great workout and call it even.

...and so it goes

So, the dog had a false pregnancy...and she seriously had us all fooled.
Per Olivia's running obstetrical evaluations: Her nipples were purple and sagging
She was producing milk
Her "cooch" was black and swollen
She's "dripping" something
She was panting and pacing for hours.
And then....nothing...its 3 days past the last possible delivery date...and shes back to normal.
All her parts have returned to their original colors and elasticities....(lucky for all)

Some people here are feeling a little bereft...thoroughly disappointed that there was no ghoulish delivery to watch...and no precious pups to love on for a few weeks....

Some people here think God is always good. Some people here are glad that sometimes He says NO. Some people didn't even have to pray for this....He just knew what she needed...He has answered her prayers on more than one occasion and they ended with dogs on shovels! (and horses in dump trucks)

....and so it goes....

While some are praying and yes hoping for one thing or another...others often see things from a different perspective. Isn't that the case in many things on this journey? What has my mind tonight...actually its been longer than that...its just coming out tonight...is that we often have our own plans. Plans A., B. C. D. Whatever. But our plans include what we know, what we see, what we want (usually), but they are limited plans. They are limited by our own vision. Which can also be blurry for any number of reasons. So, while yes, we all have our own plans....the thing is, the thing I keep coming back too....He has a better one....so while I, like many others tonight, are praying for one thing or another.....He is waiting for me to ask for His plan...to want His plan...to unfold and reveal His plan....

There are a number of things I wish were happening differently, not just for me...but for lots of the people in my world.....tonight I am here asking for His plan to unfold...even when I don't like watching things change in the unfolding!

TODAY...

This is what I know TODAY...or at least what I think I know...actually, this is what I'm thinking about and really, really trying to know....TODAY.

TODAY is a gift. I need to treat it as such and enjoy just being in IT...TODAY, I don't need to worry about TOMORROW. (Actually, I shouldn't "worry" at all, but...for now its about TODAY!) TODAY, I need to get a few things done, and enjoy the people around me. TODAY, I need to stop rehashing old coversations and STOP being distracted by the voices in my head. (not "voices," voices, ...just you know..voices) TODAY I need to pray for my friend....actually...maybe a couple of them....TODAY I need to stop staring at the closed door....and wait (PATIENTLY). TODAY I need to not try and "jimmy" the lock on the door...to see if it will open a crack. TODAY I need to stop thinking so much and just BREATH...and live....TODAY.

Mixed bag

well, tonight was certainly a mixed bag of thoughts, experiences and conversations!
First of all, it was my last day of class..I had my last final exams for the semester....(i believe I am getting A's in all of my classes except math) but honestly, I am totally fine with that!

The ongoing saga of Heidi and her puppies continues...as of 2am...nothing to report aside from purple milk sagging nipples and a purple " cooch" (per olivia)!

Lisa and the girls came for dinner...grilled burgers on the deck...(I got out the furniture yesterday and cleaned it). What a fun night.......

....an unexpected call/convo.....

and then the crowning jewel...words for life from DAN!

WORD l. Wake up
2. Get up
3. Check computer, myspace, sn, facebook, (blog) he added this for me@\
4. Check the clock
5. Check the phone
6. Check my schedule
7. Go forward from the gut cuz its all about ME!

i refocus for the future cuz its all about me!
Take the necessary steps...cuz its all about me?
What i'm doin for my future
how i refocus for my future
i do it cuz it's all about ME!

DISCLAIMER: these are the words of wisdom from a 19 yar old man/boy/idk....in any event I dont agree with them all..but some of them...well, for now, they kinda seem to work for me...I
am all about just gettin through it, ya know...and right now, its kinda all about me...( and GRADZILLA of course)!

What I was hoping Dan the wordsmith could cast some light on, as long as he was taking up space at my counter and eating me out of house and home...was this .....

Why? How? For what reason? Could I have changed it?....the questions that only another "guy"could answer....and honestly....DAN YOUR ANSWERES SUCKED!!

REFOCUS? are you fricken serious....I have total focus...I know what I want...i know how He has wired me....I know how He can use me.....

.....It's my darned impatience that's the monkey wrench....big surprise there huh? Imagine ME, being impatient!

INDULGENCES

JUST A FEW SMALL INDULGENCES TO APPEASE THE

BEASTS WHO ARE RAGING

HERE ON SUNRISE DRIVE TONIGHT!

ROAST

Curiously, my mother somehow believes that when you buy, repackage, and freeze meat, that along with an annotation as to what is in the white paper, ie, CHUCK ROAST, it is also imperitive to delineate the meat with and adjective. Hence, GOOD! I am left to ponder, would she ever buy a roast that isn't good? And if she did, would she be so bold as to set it apart in her freezer with a different adjective.....like maybe MEDIOCRE? Or just plain NASTY ASS CHUCK ROAST?

Maybe its just me, but if I am going to the store and paying for a roast, its pretty much always gonna be a good one. At least raw...(I have been known to turn a perfectly wonderful piece of beef into rawhide with little or no effort!) But in the buying stage...I'm all about getting a good piece of meat.

So, I asked my mom, "Mom, " I said, "You have written on this roast "GOOD," why would you need to write that? Don't you always buy good meat?" To which she responded: "Well, no honey, not always, this is a roast I would buy and serve to guests, but I buy "piecey" meat alot for your dad and I. Your dad really doesn't even notice."

For some inexplicable reason that makes me laugh. Not just a little bit, but HARD!

My poor dad is sitting over in Lapeer, eating "piecey" meat, aka: SHITTY ASS FATTY TOUGH ROASTS, while I am over here in Flushing feeding my kids (who are not company) GOOD CHUCK ROAST!

The funnier thing about that is, my kids came in and smelled the roast cooking and asked if I was serving POOP! Yes darlings, but take heart, its GOOD POOP!

Next time I make it, I think I'll invite my dad over for dinner.....he's company here!

...About that

About the whole bursting into tears thing from my last post...yeah...seriously..what is up with that. I have been mulling this over for the past few days for a myriad of reasons. Which include, but are not limited too the fact that only a day or two later I was accused of being "tough and hard," by someone who thought I needed to be crying!

Honestly...in recent weeks I have begun to look a little deeper into what makes me tick, why, and how that all comes together for me. I don't really know for sure if this is even a worthwhile endeavor or if I'm being incredibly self-absorbed, but right now, it seems like a healthy inventory to be taking. The whole, "whats on the inside eventually shows on the outside" idea is freakin me out a little, so hence...the looking in!

Back to the "crying"....which seems to be some kind of gauge for internal health...(per my sister). I have realized that in situations that overwhelm lots of people, big stuff...earthshaking life events...I'm way more pragmatic...I can see a bigger picture beyond what is immediatly shaking the foundations of life...hence, my lack of tears during my divorce!

But, let me look on and see or watch or hear people whom I love experience those lifeshaking events...well, for them my heart breaks and I weep. I am moved to tears when I love deeply and relationally....and I am totally ok with that.

I don't need to freak out and cry when other people think I should....and yeah, I can be a little bit hard, but not "hardened." There is a huge difference. The other thing about crying that I really want to tell the "emotion" judger from the other night....I look like hell when I cry, I don't like to cry...it exhausts me, it is not fun on any level.....unless it is the kind of crying that happens with a few "close" friends that includes deep inner purging mingled with laughter at the whole drama of it.....

....PS: I do recognize that the whole reason I am compelled to write about this has much to do with the "judgers" comment...but I'm seeing that as a good thing that spurred me to evaluate some stuff, and gain perspective.....

JUST PAINT

Things were going along just fine...
There I was on the treadmill...2/2..
...and then I noticed the paint!
Blueish paint on my workout pants.
Not from my house...

And then it hit me again..
When I least expected it..
In the place where I can usually forget about that
....and right there on the damn treadmill I burst into fricken tears!

What has happened to me?
Where is the me I used to be and know?
This is not who I am.

Its just paint.
From a weekend I just wish I could forget...
along with everything else I wish I could block out!
....and that isnt even the truth...what I really wish...
well, thats not gonna happen...so instead...

I did what normal women do when they are running from emotions
I went shopping for new workout clothes
Really, I needed them, putting in at least 5 nights a week now!
....the upside of heartbreak...

Oh yeah...I got a bookcase too! ahahahhahahahahhaha
...now that I'm off the hook with Target! ahahhahahahhahhahah

....more ?'s

This could go one of two ways today. There is a list brewing in my head, a list of life questions, heart questions, a few random queries. OR, I could begin to unpack some stuff that I read last night...some stuff that will require me to face some unpacking and then repacking but differently.

I'm not sure I am ready to unpack, and repack....I think I am going to sidestep that a little longer...actually, not sidestep, but really prepare myself to face some harsh reality....its too yucky out today to do that I think...it might be scary today, if, as Ann Lamott says, "all of my fears and uncertainties pull up chairs beside me and try and sit quietly in a semicircle around my computer...breathing and leering...and waiting..."

So then my list:

A. Am I honestly pursuing the right career path...some kind of education? Elementary or secondary?

B. What kind of jobs are there for "communication" majors? Two people told me that the possibilities are endless...which sounds too utopian to me.

C. Why can't life turn out the way I think it should? Why can't everyone just be happy?

D. Where is that country that wants happiness as part of its constitution?

E. Why do my kids always need to "poop" the minute I get in the tub? And why don't they use one of the other 2 bathrooms?

F. Why do I still long to talk to "he who must not be named?" Why do I fight to not text or e-mail him?

G. Why does Target have to have a computer F*** up the day my mom is here, and call my house and say that my account is delinquent? Three days after they posted my HUGE ASS payment?

H. Why does my ex have a housekeeper? Seriously...why does one person need a housekeeper? There is no one else living there but him...and his creepy dog? How dirty can that place get?

I. What makes some people bitter and hard? Why don't they see and hear?

J. Why is it still fun to drink a beer and talk to my friend online, even if shes not here....and how is it that we can laugh so hard when life seems so messed up?

In reality, I don't think there are answers to any of these questions...which makes them all the harder to feel like asking...I'm going to start carrying a notepad with me, and begin jotting down all the questions that I have as they arise in the course of my days....

....and another list of all the answers I have for other peoples questions, ahhahahha, I just realized that I usually think I have those!

My friend seems to hear from God while she works out...like alot, God speaks to her heart in the middle of a work out.

I've been working out a ton recently...you know, because if the inside is messed up, you might as well work on the outside idea?

Anyway....I don't hear from God while I'm working out...possibly because it would be impossible to hear him above the pounding of my heart and the wheezing and puffing as I struggle to suck in air....and the whir of the O2 tank as I suck in blessed
relief once the EMT's arrive.(whoops, I digress)

...But after I'm done...and this has happened alot recently, I have been struck with some truth....tonight is was this:

Recently I have felt like a complete hypocrite, because while I tell other people that God has to be enough, I am struggling to believe it myself. But....

God says He is enough...I know that is the truth...
He never says that we will feel like He is enough, or that we will always feel it..
It is just a promise...whether I feel it or not, whether any of us feel it or not...it is the truth.

It also did not escape my understanding that this is a recurring theme for me..the whole "I am enough thing"...some people catch on slowly, others right away...for me, I think this is an ongoing reminder....because I am realizing more and more, that when I start to let myself drift away from this promise, this reminder...I am often tempted to put other things in front of the One who is enough!

We are the Same

What I see and what I hear…
Even with my eyes closed…I understand

That we are the same

She may be Asian
I may be white
He is 20 something
I am….forty….ish!

The other is angry
She is hurting
I have found healing

But we are the same

The emotions they express…
Are the core of who I am, of the things I feel…
We are so different…and we are the same

His words of love, crafted so humorously, yet deep from his soul
So perfectly express mine
The hurt that she feels for selling herself out
The emptiness that she speaks of, being used in search of love
….long ago, I was that girl.

They have attitude and moxi
They will not allow themselves to be lumped into a “box”
Packaged nicely by others misperceptions
They are strong women, standing and speaking for themselves
I see them and realize I have tempered my speech and measured my words

For far too long….

I listen to them all and I see and understand
And embrace
that while we appear to be so different...
We are the same.

....PIZZA ORDERED

Curiously, it seems that I can rationalize and evaluate and process events until I'm exhausted from the sheer exertion of it...people can give input, advice and guidance, and say any number of very insightful things.....and in the end, it is usually just a few innocuous words, said with no intent to persuade or redirect my thoughts....that have the ability to peel away the scales and give me clear vision....

And with clearer vision, I can even look back and see what I couldn't before...clearer vision to see precise moments when I chose to leave the path that was laid out before me....and to recognize that in those moments I was walking away from the One who created me for a specific purpose....indeed I was walking away from Him.

Tonight I am at peace in knowing that I did not take a permanent detour down that wrong path!

....pizza ordered.....seriously.....WRONG GIRL!

Just Around the Corner

Things are definitely looking up!

The final research paper presentation is behind me...of course I presented with 2 totally DIFFERENT shoes! Due to the fact that I had to ferret them out of a pile in Fionas room in the pitch dark of morning!

I got my Civil Rights paper back...the one I wrote but don't really remember writing...BEST GRADE EVER!

100% on the multicultural speech/interview...which was entirely fabricated and done with NO preparation, pulled entirely out of my rectum...The profs comments: Another amazing speech, thank you!

Fionas mole is just blue...not cancerous! (Just as I, the un-dr. suspected)

The first crocuses are peeking through.

And best of all, my most current "match" is from the CIRCUS!! I'm kinda wondering what it is about my bio that would find me compatible on 29 different levels with a circus tumbler....but as long as thats the route things are going, I'm commited to waiting for the midget!

Yup...brighter days are just around the corner....

....so why exactly am I still feelin' lost?

Gentle and Bold

"Burdens are the foundations of ease and bitter things the forerunners of pleasure.”

While doing some reading tonight this jumped out at me....a small promise of hope, for
me and for those I love...and a gentle reminder again....

and then I read this:

“Be occupied, then, with what you really value and let the thief take something else.”

Huge truth and bold reminders....

ON THE PLUS SIDE

...Kinda feeling like a lot of people in my life are being bashed against the same rocks at the bottom of the waterfall lately. I wonder why that is? Is life just about cycles and this is currently a really shitty one...seriously....the water keeps getting deeper, and by now I thought for sure it would be calming and becoming a little less swift.

In the midst of the quagmire we are all finding ourselves in...there have been moments when we have reached out to each other...to try and encourage or whatever....and even that seems dismal...which in turn really makes me laugh. Here are some of the backhanded, mixed up words of encouragement that have been exchanged in my world today:

l. Here's what I know today...we are in the middle of the SHIT DESERT....eventually we will pass through it...All of us! (Where exactly on the map I wonder is the shit desert? Is it by Arizona?)
2. Question:Tell me again, why are we not calling or texting? Answer: Because it makes us look pathetic.
Response: And your point? ahhahahahahhah
3. I want to live my best life now! Here, let me look up Joel Olsteens number for you! ahahhahahahahahahh

I know that God never promised that life would be easy, or even always good....but seriously...this is getting OLD!

On the plus side...I am up to running l walking 2 for 20 minutes....20 power minutes and almost 6 miles on the bike and I did 4 laps before I stroked out in the pool tonight! (no pun intended)