Living the Dream & Other Myths

Friends

2011-08-25T15:58:00.000-07:00

When you are preparing yourself and your kids to put the family pet to sleep, there are hundreds of thoughts, memories and emotions that run unbridled through your mind. But the reality is, there is only so much mental preparation which can be done, only so much talking through and consoling, and in the end you are confronted with the task.

There is much about today that I could write about, the conversations, the drive, the scene at the animal hospital, and the torrents of tears that were shed unashamedly. All of those things bear remembering, but tonight the scene and experience which continues to run through my minds eye and heart are the friends who stood beside my children.

Olivia texted me early in the day to let me know that her bon homme, Ally would be accompanying us to the vet. It bears saying that as Olivia's best friend, Ally is no stranger to grieving the loss of a pet with Olivia. In all of the other instances though, she has been notified and sought out for the comfort which only a best friend can offer, after the beloved pets have died. Today she volunteered to go, to watch, to comfort, laugh and weep alongside her friend during the entire event. She watched Heidi's eyes as she drifted off, and dug her hands deep into her fur as she lay on the table, standing next to Olivia and Fiona the entire time. Once home, she volunteered to relieve Fiona as she was digging the hole a bit wider to accomodate the blanket...and again as Noah and Fiona seemed to tire filling it back in.

Noah chose to stay with the neighbor boys while we took Heidi to the vet, but he wanted to help bury her. Arriving back home, I watched as he left their yard, accompanied on both sides by his two chums, Ian and Kyle, ages 8 and 6 respectively. They walked to our house in silence, Ian never taking his eyes off of Noah, and keenly watching his face and posture. While we laid Heidi in the hole, Ian continued to watch Noah, and as the tears began to slide silently down his face, Ian moved to stand beside his friend, putting a small hand on his shoulder and squeezing quietly, while tears slid down his own small cheeks. He stayed next to Noah the entire time, watching him take a turn shoveling dirt into the grave, and only moving to leave when Noah was ready. At that point he walked alongside of him quietly, following his friends' lead as to what they would do next. There were no words exchanged between the two, just unspoken knowledge that he was not leaving, that he was hurting for him and with him.

I am amazed and full with the realization that my children have found friends and their own "people" to experience this life alongside of them. I realize that they are all still young and perhaps the friends will change over time, but for now they have abundance. I am amazed by the empathy and strength I saw in the faces and actions of these friends today, despite their ages or gender, they already possess qualities of character which are sometimes scarce in our world today.

At the end of the long day, I am thankful for these friends, and for mine as well, who called, texted, phoned and did not glaze over, and who stood alongside us when life was difficult and sad.

Top 20

2011-07-18T19:25:00.000-07:00

I have been challenged with the task of creating a playlist of my top 20 favorite songs of all time by a friend. Initially I scoffed at the notion, thinking I would never be able to conjure up 20 faves. I didn't intend to compile a list. But as with many things I intend, I found myself succumbing to the idea of ferreting through my past, and began to look for songs that had struck chords with me over the years!

The first song I ever remember hearing on the radio came immediately to mind, as did all the sights, emotions, smells, and relationships attached to the memory. In the summer of 1974 I was 9 years old with a killer bright green polka dot cotton bikini with a little ruffle; my first. Camping and laying on the beach for hours on end with my family and close friends, we listened to CKLW out of Detroit and the song we cranked up was Billy Don't Be a Hero by Bo Donaldson. 7 girls on a beach singing into our blow pops like microphones and rocking our first two piece bathing suits! I can see every face on the beach that summer, and hear our laughter. Wildfire and Shannon were in our top 5 for that summer as well, and without fail, when I hear any of those songs today (which thankfully, is a rarity) I look back on those summer days with a smile and a bit of sadness for the friendships that have waned, and those lost forever.

While listening through songs, I have decided it would be prudent to sub-categorize my list. I could surely fill it with 20 songs from eras or phases of my life or even genres of music. It would come as no surprise to anyone who has known me long that "Taking Care of Business" by BTO is hands down my favorite dancing tune! Duh...how many pitchers of beer I won doing the alligator I will never be able to recount, nor get back the $l00 bucks I had to pay the DJ at my wedding to play it, even though my mom had given him a 50 not too!!! "Respect" by Aretha falls into the same category, and again a wedding memory burned into my minds eye as my brother-in- law Todd and I danced my pups right out of the cups in my dress!!! These songs are fun, but most of my list is more toned down, and make the top 20 because they hit close to my heart in how I live and want to live my life.

"Every little piece of the puzzle doesn't always fit...perfectly" Sara Evans
"Home should be where the heart is, never were words more true." Beauty and the Beast
"Look inside my heart, and be amazed." Bethany Dillon
"She needs wide open spaces, room to make big mistakes." Dixie Chicks

....lines from songs stick in my head and I find that it is small portions of a whole that hit close to home for whatever reason, and with that, the tune has made my top 20 list. Some lines and some songs leave me ragged and drained with emotion, and some still buoy me with hope and the Pollyanna outlook that generally umbrellas my life. The compilation is not yet over, but for today I am finished. This was a far more introspective endeavor than I anticipated, and I am full with memories and emotions and as I have moved through the years dredging up songs I have noticed a very clear pattern. Songs that have stayed with me, or moved me in some way have strong relationship memories attached to them, or speak of longing for relationship of some kind, some human, some with the God who created me to love him first and then others.

Mirror images

2011-02-24T09:56:00.000-08:00

January 8th 2009....and February 24, 2011....777 days apart...but mirror images!

I started running again on both of these days. I don't remember how long I kept at it in '09, and I am not sure about this go round, but the similarities in the conversations in my head, that seem to happen more frequently on the treadmill than anywhere else is a bit unnerving to me. I don't remember the details of life 777 days ago, I barely remember last week, but today, in this span of time, my mental conversations are mostly with myself. I am not sure if that is good or bad, and there are more questions than directives or plans. Which currently, I think is gonna have to be ok.

Today I am wondering how I got here? To this place, to this person who I recognize sometimes, but other times, not so much. I am a little jaded about lots of things, a wee tad cynical in areas I never dreamed I would be, and at the middle of it....I wonder how much of that is because of my complacency and inaction in areas I need to be diligent and intentional. I guess I don't really wonder...today on the treadmill I knew...I answered that question...it's just the plan of action to change it that is a little sketchy at present.

Questions about Girls

2010-05-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight Noah and I had some stolen time alone. It has been a really busy week filled with volleyball games, lacrosse games, practices for both sports, early am music rehearsals, appts., and general end of the year mayhem. Anyway...Noah and I came home while the girls all went to the Y, and quickly snuggled into bed to read a chapter or two of Harry Potter. After closing the book Noah said, "Mom, I have a few questions about girls OK?"

I will admit, there was a pit in my stomach...he's eight, but he has 4 sisters...and I tend to answer honestly, which usually backfires on me.

Question l. How come girls don't get pee on the seat when they go?
Answer: ahahhahahahh, snort, ahhaha, ummm, cuz usually they sit down. So no spraying.
Response: He nodded as if he agreed and it made sense.

Question 2. How come the girls always say they are fat, but they eat everything in the house, then get mad if you have the car and they can't go to the Y? (3 in 1 question)
Answer: (Desperately trying to school my features) I think its because of the media's influence on them, they feel like society only values thin women and girls, and they starve themselves all day, and then binge at night, because, honestly, they haven't had a ton of self control modeled for them! (just being honest here) And they go to the Y because that makes them feel better about eating everything in the house, plus I think they feel cool!
Response: "Mom, seriously, do you think I even know what the media is?"

Question 3. How come its funny if the girls call their private parts a "chooch" but if I call mine a "dick" its a naughty word?
Answer: (Laughing openly) I have no idea, it just is buddy.

Question 4. How come they get mad so easily, even when they seem happy?
Answer: Hormones and genetics, plus I think it makes them feel powerful.
Response: I think they are mean and stupid and they don't need anymore power, they already get the car!

Questions 5. Do you think they wish they had..you know...nuts?
Answer: I've never wished that, but I don't know about other girls, you should ask your sisters.

Question 6. Boys and girls both have nipples right? So how come girls have to cover theirs up?
Answer: You asked me this once before dude, are you just wanting to say nipples again?
Response: No, I still think its dumb, I think Olivia does too! (ahhahaah)

I realized after tucking this kid in that life with 4 sisters might be troubling and confusing at times. I love that he feels like he can ask anything, while at the same time I cringe at what he sees and knows and observes. I also cannot help laughing hard, and I am powerless to hide it. I am also praying that I don't mess him up, that growing up with 4 sisters and a mom won't make him some kind of freak.

For now, I think he might be a pretty normal 8 year old boy who pees all over the toilet seat, I think just to gross his sisters out!

The Tightrope is LIVING!!!!

2009-09-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

Waiting. Currently, I'm having a difficult time with this verb; or action; or more accurately, this IN-action.

Over the past few days, I have become increasingly restless, emotional, and frustrated. Maybe I've written this before, I don't really know, its been so long since I've sat here, but anyway, here I am with this giant on my back, and I don't know how to shake it, or more importantly, why it weighs so heavily.

Until a few minutes ago that is. After a phone call where I was barely able to hold it together, I hung up and started to break into pieces. Even while it was happening though, I was struggling to understand why, why now, why so intensely is this waiting so hard? Why am I so frustrated by it? Why does it feel so familiar? That's where the truth revealed itself. The familiarity of the waiting. The things I'm waiting on, and waiting for are in large measure out of my control. I am ready to get on with life. I am ready to be doing whatever it is that I am designed to do, or just do SOMETHING. I'm tired of school, and the preparing to be productive. At this point in time, I could do any of the things I am wanting too with the skills and education I have now. I'm sick of the preparation. I just want to scream and get the hell on with life.

And, then there are the other parts of my life where I'm waiting. These areas I have even less control over, and my frustration is even keener. Tonight I realized that I spent a lot of years waiting for someone else's time table to be right. Trips were put on hold until after I wasn't nursing, and then put on hold longer in hopes that I might look better in a bathing suit(not my mandate), and that cycle continued for years....due to the five kids! Then there was waiting to host holidays until the house was perfect, or waiting to make time for others until Jupiter aligned with mars...waiting to connect until......you get the idea? I'm sick of waiting. I waited the first half of my life away, and there are lots of things I regret about that.

I'm tired of waiting. Waiting for the perfect timing, waiting for this person or that person, waiting for graduation....mine, kids.....there will always be something to wait for. But in the meantime, I want to LIVE! Fully, intentionally, and without waiting!

"The tightrope is living; everything else is just waiting!" ----Karl Wallenda

He said this about his life, about what he loved to do, which was first and foremost the acrobatic career he shared with his wife and family. Everything else was just waiting!

38 minutes.....HEAVEN AND HELL

2009-02-22T17:42:00.000-08:00

The movie was titled "38 MINUTES OF TRAINS" . The title says it all. Some train junky got out his video camera and spent 2 DAYS in Lansing filming (without narrative mind you) 2 days worth of trains just driving along the east and west bound tracks. CSX's and CN's. I don't know what the frog CSX stands for but CN's are Canadian Nationals. At this point you may be asking yourself..."how does the laundress know this, and why?"

I live with a 7 year old train savant. I am not kidding you, the boy is totally focused on this one thing...anything else and he's like a cat with nip...all over the place...but show him trains, talk about trains...you name it he knows it. He freakishly morphs into a 73 year old railroad buff and starts using words that normal folks don't know, like gondolas, switch engines, sidings, loco's, diesels.... Today he went to a train show with his grandpa and dear old gramps picked up the treasured movie. So tonight when we got home the little would be savant engineer wanted to curl up in my bed, giddy with excitement, just the two of us watching his new movie. Insert here:(I fully recognize that I am selfish and had no interest or desire to watch 3 minutes of trains, let alone 38!)

I realized laying there watching his face beaming beside me on the pillow and listening to enthusiastic and knowledgeable narrative, that while I was thinking I was getting a small 38 minute glimpse of what hell might perhaps be like, this boy I love so dearly was experiencing 38 minutes of heaven. (Actually far more than 38 minutes, because he has already watched it 3 times and he wants to get up early to watch it again before school)

How different we are created. I realized tonight how blessed I am to be surrounded by such diversity of interest and lives. How self centered I can be at times only wanting to pursue and invest in the things that capture my interest. Thankfully tonight I was reminded that my 38 minutes in hell, were Noah's 38 minutes of heaven....and he wanted to share those minutes with me.

Missed Signal

2009-02-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I missed a signal today. An opportunity with someone who is dear to me. We don't talk often, usually in passing, a hug and cursory "how are you", but this is the second time in a week that I have been sought out. Last week I was driving in ice on horrible roads and our conversation was cut a little short, today, customers came in and I got busy.

Tonight I am convinced that my friend wasn't really checking on me. I dropped the ball. I didn't pick up on the vibe until a few moments ago, when the friend came back to my mind. Now I am praying (literally) that tomorrow whatever it was that needed saying or listening too today will not be too late.

I also wonder how often I miss opportunities or signals from people who just need to talk or who are hurting but can't put it into words. I pick up on a lot usually, but other times I am convinced that my own verbosity
and exuberance thunder over others quiet needs. I wonder too how often those things override the quiet voice of the One who loves me and I miss out on His direction and prodding. I am certain that happened today. And last week.

Tomorrow....well, actually even tonight, I am endeavoring to be still...and listen!

COMING HOME

2009-01-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

For the past few months I have been longing for a good book. Something that I could lose myself in. A life separate from mine, yet somehow still connected to me. I haven't found a book...but alas...tonight...the longing was quenched.

JACK IS BACK!

The new season of 24 started tonight, and as Liv and I (and Savannah by phone) began watching with anticipation....I queerly realized that I felt like it was Thanksgiving or some other holiday, and long lost friends and family were all gathering again...reunited!

Disclaimer: I fully realize that this is a TV show. I fully realize that I might as well be 14 again watching Luke and Laura's wedding, or the Cassadines freeze Port Charles. I also fully realize that in this one wee small area...I am a damn pantie throwing groupie. For some, Rick Springfield brings this out, for others its artists like Tristan Prettyman or Joshua Radin. I fully admit, this is an indulgence and foray into a world not my own. AND I DON'T CARE!

For one hour every week (four this week, with the kick off nights) I can live in a stress free world of international terrorism and global war, with no one to save America from complete and utter destruction but Keifer Sutherland! BLISS!

So tonight, in the hours after the 2009 debut...I sit here relaxed and smiling...and think...welcome home old friend, welcome home!

In my head

2009-01-08T09:03:00.000-08:00

Started running again today. Loved it. Hated it. Need it. I'm still trying to ascertain whether its a good thing for me mentally or not though. I tend to over think a few things sometimes, and then put me on a treadmill....and BLAMO! Things rush in and out.....and then I find myself having conversations in my head or writing emails in my mind....and then well, I get kinda ticky.

This is kinda how it went:
Walking, walking, 321...running....SIDESWIPE....thinking...conversation begins, blah, blah, blah....walking again...(lull in mental conversation) 321....SIDESWIPE...conversation picks back up, more heated, more determined, blah, blah, blah....back to walking.....321.....switch to email....typing, typing, typing...blah, blah, blah....

...and things continued like this for me the whole time I ran/walked.

I have two theories on this phenomenon...
l. This is totally healthy and normal and everyone does it, but they never talk about it.(Which in an of itself is neither normal or healthy)
2. No one does this ever and I'm a freak!

Anyway, now I'm home and my mind is mush, my legs are burning, and I am falling in love with my new best friend "the stick", which Penny sold me yesterday to use to "roll out my muscles" instead of stretching.....for $7.95 that little pup is a wee slice of heaven!

STARTING NOW

2009-01-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

For the most part, I've never been a big New Years resolution maker. The whole idea seems kinda dumb to me, similar to the "new diet starts on Monday" mantra. In my mind, I have always just thought, hmm..if you want to do something, DO IT! Don't talk about it, put it off, procrastinate and set a point "sometime in the future" to begin. If it's something you want to pursue or attempt START NOW!

So tonight I have been thinking about some things. Things that I want to do "at some point in the future", but they require advanced planning, and maybe a wee bit of dedication and training, and that all important item.....CABBAGE! These items on my list will require some discipline on my part, both in the saving and carrying thru on the plans. These are not two of my strongest areas. Actually, in these areas I suck big time. (Hence my disdain for new years resolutions I'm certain). Anyway....here's my list.

l. Camp in Pentwater with kids for l WHOLE week without technology!
2. Run l 5k race.....possibly the Flushing Road race, but not necessarily.
3. Take RV trip with Barb and Bob and some teens to Cincinnati area..aka Kings Island, The Beach!
4. Take college girls to lunch or dinner at least once each during winter semester.
5. Take some kind of road trip with Fiona....(she's an amazing DJ and great in shot gun for long distances...also doesn't require expensive meals!
6. Get B+ in Spanish, and A's in all other classes.
7. Pass the Basic Skills Test.
8. Write more intentionally at least 3 times a week.
9. Take kids skiing at Nubs Nob with Dad.(which will require teaching Noah to ski)
10. Go to Sleeping Creeper Trail and bike it.
11. Stop rationalizing
12. Learn to ride a motorcycle.

That's it....for now...I think there will be more "places to go" that I want to add....and some that are just part of life....and maybe some more mountains to climb myself, but for now....this is my start. I'm planning and starting and setting these things in motion NOW!

The Search

2008-12-20T05:43:00.000-08:00

One would think, ne, even assume, that in an abode that houses 4 girls, that a person could easily and readily lay hands on a PONY TAIL HOLDER!!!

But noooooooo. Not in this house. Not this person. Last night as I was quickly trying to sweep my 4 inches of overgrown gray and 4 inches of split fried ends into some semblance of a festive coife, I found myself in need of two pony tail holders.

I began my unhurried search in the bathroom drawers where such items are kept. NONE! Moving on, I searched all the girls dresser tops and ledges next to their beds. (This is a no brainer...they all take out their bands at night) NONE!
Next I moved on to the couch cushions. Everything gets dropped down there, and I have found several there in the past whilst cleaning. EMPTY! At this point I was getting a wee tad frantic, as my ride was coming shortly. I was also beginning to feel just the very tiniest bit of panic sweating beginning......not good with my freshly made-up mug! I rifled through back packs, old purses, junk drawers, and jewelry boxes! ZILCH, NOTHING...NADA! I began to miss the days of barbies and barbie cases, (whose very existence I cursed while that phase was here, and celebrated grandly when the last blond diva with too tiny shoes was gone)Barbies always had extra pony tail holders in their hair or being used to festoon their long ball gowns into skimpy club attire.

You know how it is when you can't find something that you want. How somewhere during the hunt it suddenly becomes a life necessity right up there with food, water and shelter? This is where my need for the afore mentioned hair ties had transitioned.

In a last ditch effort before I moved on to plan B, which may have included kitchen shears and a bowl, I went into the lone boys room. I dumped out his ginormous bucket of trains....and frantically sifted through the rubble.

In a house with 4 teenage girls, I find it curious that the place I scavenged up not one, but TWO pony tail holders, was the 7 year old boys room. The seven year old boy with a BUZZ CUT no less! You see, this estrogen overpowered kid is the McGyver of trains. While trying to load logs and steal on flat beds, he was having difficulty keeping his stacked product on the cars. He needed "ratcheted tie downs." to hold his loads. His mother told him they didn't make them for wooden toy trains, and he would have to just put fewer logs (crayons) on so that they would stay. NOPE! I remember the day he took me by the hand to show me his solution. "See those loads mom?" he said. "Ponytailers work just like bungees...now I'm all set to go eastbound to Chicago."

And now I'm all set to step out for the night.

The concert

2008-12-19T08:50:00.000-08:00

I have been looking forward to this concert for weeks. It has become a tradition in our family, as we have choralaries in our midst. This season kick off concert is comprised of The Band, The Orchestra, and the all of The Choirs. Mingled together with ensembles, trios, duets and solos, the evening NEVER FAILS to set the mood for Christmas week for me.

This year the evening opened with an orchestra medley of sacred caroles. I was over the edge with "O Come, O Come Emmanuel". I was able to regain a modicum of composure for the next three or four numbers, but alas...The Drumline. Caught me totally by surprise. The auditorium was surrounded by 20 or so percussionists, snares, basses, xylaphones, and a myriad of others I can't name. The hair on my arms (and yes I admit, my legs as well) was standing on end. It was absolutely incredible, and I was an emotional mess. Savannah, sitting next to me, texted me, and called a DQ while she was laughing. My dad sitting on the end of the row had his hankie out. I'm afraid I may need to start bringing my own to such events.

Pushing me over the edge was Fiona's solo. She came out on the main floor, center, with a 40's style mic in front of her, and slowly and confidently began singing The Christmas Song. It was over the top. I have heard her sing often (duh, as we live in the same house) but this was amazing, and more chilling than the drum line....when she sang the last line ...merry Christmas tooo youu...she was looking right at me. I don't know if it was intentional, but it effectively pushed me over the edge. I am so incredibly proud of her. She has an amazing voice, effortless for her to sing anything.

The concert finished, and after coming home and winding down, I laid in bed thinking about how I have gotten caught up in the hustle and bustle of the season, and have not taken much time to slow down and just live and soak in the season. To be the season to the people around me.

Today I'm in. There is a huge blizzard, a snow day.....and the weekend and week ahead stretches before me with lots of time available to remember why we celebrate this time of year.

O Come, O Come Emmanuel....and Merry Christmas too you!

Cookie Baking

2008-12-14T17:40:00.000-08:00

To fully capture this event, I would need some kind of podcast...because much of the atmosphere was created with sound...or din, whatever it is that includes talking over top of each other, singing together and outsinging each other....and laughing, at and with....the perfect combination. The slotted event was cookie making....with friends and food...and way too much estrogen for some people! ( I think this may be why Noah has taken to wearing his Comander Cody costume 24/7). The finished products were works of art, even with the vomit colored icing for the ginger cookies!

While nibbling on the finished products, and yes I said "products" plural, I discovered that all in all, the day was good. There was a moment or two though, I must admit, where I was standing there in the kitchen thinking....in the middle of all that life is right now, how is it that we can still find joy, that we can still laugh, that friendships can remain, when everything else leaves? I don't know how, and maybe I never will, but I am enormously thankful, because without the joy, there would be no hope, without the laughter there would be nothing but tears (or yelling and screaming), and without great friendships, life would be empty.

From Fat Albert, and JIm...to the dwarves cottage

2008-12-08T19:46:00.000-08:00

To fully understand the magnitude of the tree debacle, it is necessary to post a shot of last years tree, affectionately known to us as "Fat Albert." We are big tree folk. Actually this final product of FA is a much trimmer version, produced after much pruning and trimming to get him into the corner and to keep the boughs a safe(ish) distance from the dangerously drying flames of the gas log. Anyhoo...as my earlier post stated, we had quite a day procuring this lovely tree, seen below being shortened up a bit, as we had overestimated the height and were about 2 feet too tall for our room. Fiona, the master of the saw, buzzed almost effortlessly through the trunk, cutting 21 inches off. Anyway....after getting him (Jim Murchie) down to a manageable height, Olivia and I hauled him into the house to his place of honor.

While Olivia was single-mindedly fastening the "Best Christmas Tree Stand Ever" to Jim's trunk, the rest of us waited expectantly for Jim to rise to his place of honor....wringing our hands wondering how much additional trimming would need to be done to nestle him into his spot.....

We took a quick break to enjoy a few snacks...we were all tired from the whole ordeal of sawing and stand positioning....and of course the hunger that mounts from all that gleeful anticipation....

.....and then....this! Imagine our surprise...and yes, I will admit, great disappointment when we realized that instead of a behemoth, we had misnamed our poor tree. In fact, our tree would be a perfect little addition to the seven dwarfs cottage. It looks like our tree from last year went to the Bariatric Center and joined the Y! And also had a vertebrae or two taken out....he has been renamed...Matt Roloff! It's so short we even had room on top this year for Santa...(a battle I lost..along with colored lights). The silver lining here is, we can sit in the chair and not get sap on our arms while watching Christmas movies! Joyeux Noel!

O''Tannenbaum

2008-12-06T21:09:00.000-08:00

Today we set out on our yearly quest for the family tree. This year it was just Fiona, Elsa and I. It was bitter cold here today...snowy and beautiful...but BITTER COLD!

Usually we cut our tree on a huge 900 acre farm.

This year, we drove by a lot near my parents house that had some lovely trees. And by lovely, I mean, it would be lovely to not trek out in the BITTER COLD to hunt for a tree. We just popped out of the car, the men working the lot pulled the trees off of the ropes, stamped the snow off of them, and we mulled and pondered. It took about 10 minutes. Not including the time it took for the K of C guys to tie the bad boy to the roof of our car. (And I use the word "tie" loosely")

On the way home, Fiona's job was to "watch the tree". While I looked in the rear view mirror and watched cars swerve off the road anticipating my tree torpedoing thru their windshields. The thing seemed to have ADHD up there. It rolled to the left, right, front, back...you name it....but it stayed on.

Once home, I came in and laid down on the couch and promptly fell asleep. (what can I say except that the drive was harrowing) Eventually though, I ventured out to unlash it. After cutting the twine, I turned the stump end so that I could slide the bad boy over the edge of the van.....BIG MISTAKE...HUGE! I was nearly gored as the beast slid of its own volition off the roof of my van.

After all of that...I was unable to drag Jim, (that's what I have named the tree, Jim Murchie, after a behemoth of a man whom the tree looks amazingly like) into the house. He's well over 8 ft...actually more like 10...funny how they look so short and trim in the out of doors, and soooo much larger in the confines or your garage or home! (not Jim the man, but Jim the tree) Anyhooo....stay tuned...tomorrow will see Jim snugly in his spot of honor by the fireplace...decorated and twinkling Christmas cheer into our home...I cannot wait!

Over thinking, over feeling...and other musings

2008-11-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

Emotionally, I am all over the map today. I got up early and said good-bye to the person I never want to say good-bye too, and as he drove out of the driveway, I turned around and ran back to bed. To avoid breaking down, to avoid feeling what i didn't want to feel right then. Fortunately, he called me at 9:45 and woke me up again so I could jump out of bed and get ready to go to church.(He just didn't know he was waking me up!)

On the way I started to think about all that has changed over the last few years. The friends that have come and gone...the mountain tops and the valleys that have been climbed and crossed. Walking in alone, I started to feel incredibly sad. For a number of reasons, my kids hate coming to this place that they once loved being a part of. They are now more inclined to worship across town with their dad and his brother and their cousins. (Not really sure how I feel about that...well, actually I do know, I'm just being respectful and not saying) For reasons of my own making, I am not feeling as connected with the people here in this place these days either, and that made me sad. I chose to sit alone, not for lack of acquaintances or a couple of friends, but I just didn't have it in me this morning to put on a face. I sat and as the music began, I could not stop crying...I couldn't sing....I just sat and prayed....for my kids, myself, for all of those I wished were still there and aren't and for my heart....which somehow has become a little hard and brackish.

Throughout the service and the rest of the day, I have been seeking clarity in my vision, in my purpose. Somehow I find myself in a place where I don't even recognize who I am anymore. In some ways I have drifted so far from who I was and who I want to be that I wonder if I will ever get back to her. Maybe getting back to her isn't what God wants for me either. Maybe, possibly, if I am willing to put myself back into His hands, maybe He will help me to be something better, or at the very least different in a good way. Because after talking to a friend today, we both agreed, we have to be forward thinking....even if looking back makes us smile. Those days, and the people we were, the person I was, are long gone now.

At the end of today, the thing I have come to as being the most pertinent is this.....I don't want to continue along the path that I am currently on. I want to be more like who I was, only better, wiser for where I have been in the meantime......and for tonight I still need to weep....because the journey to that person seems incredibly difficult.

Sometimes I pretend

2008-10-24T13:24:00.000-07:00

Things happen for a reason. You just need to "find your place with it and figure our where to file it." Words I have heard often, (and often laugh about) from a dear friend.

I'm not sure I believe the first part....sometimes I think stuff just happens. Not exactly randomly, but just....cause/effect...handwriting on the wall....or just plain HAPPENS. Sometimes it is in our grasp to understand, sometimes not. Sometimes and some things I don't always want to "find my place with" let alone "figure out how or where to file it." Sometimes I want to pretend that life is perfect and there just isn't any "stuff."

Tonight I'm pretending lots of things. Like for instance, that there are not 5 loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I'm pretending that Alice just ran to the market and will be home soon to fold it all. I'm pretending that the person I love most will be here soon, (like tonight soon, not next week soon) and we will have homemade chicken soup and crusty rolls together. I'm pretending that my BFF is just down the road and that if I need her or if she needs me, that either one of us can be fully present together in under 2 minutes! I'm pretending that I don't have kids at a movie theatre and that I will not have to leave my house and go out into the rain and cold in 2 hours to pick them up. (on that one I'm actually pretending that they are still too young to be dropped off to see a movie alone with 3 friends...and BOYS!)

Tonight I'm pretending and not "filing" or "finding my place."

Tonight I'm just trying to get through it.

175th Anniversary

2008-10-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 175th anniversary of the church that I grew up in. This was a big deal, especially for my parents, who are Presbyterians of a sort that are not often seen. Fully dedicated to the local church....fully and completely sold out to Jesus example of being servants.

Over the years, I have been known to scoff at my Presbyterian heritage....my "religious" and "spiritual" training was dubious at best. I of course, in hindsight, take much of the responsibility for being, at the time, somewhat unteachable...if not out and out belligerently opposed to all manner of instruction. Yesterday, sitting in the place where I spent every Sunday from the time I was in 2nd grade until I graduated, I realized that there were some foundational things that actually did permeate into my heart, mind, and soul...way back then.

Sitting in the padded pews before the service started, I spent some time just looking...taking in the visuals. Stained glass windows of a sort that I am certain are no longer produced, with sunlight streaming in, creating the warm lighting that welcomes all who are illuminated by it. Tipping my head back, I marveled at the ornate painting which outlined the coved ceiling, it is bordered by slightly ornate wood, not exactly baroque, yet not gothic either. It was all warm and familiar, and as the new reverend began to talk to all who were gathered there, many like myself, not "regular attenders" any longer, he asked us to take a moment to reflect on the memories we had of this place.

At this point I was nothing, if not slightly uncomfortable, realizing that many of my fond memories, if brought fully into the light, might bring down lightening and fire from on high. I was thinking to myself, "if he only knew", and then felt a head turn and look back to my right...when I looked over, my eyes, and memories were locked in sync with someone who, all those years ago, was very much a central figure in those memories, and somehow knowing I wasn't alone in my reverie (however irreverent) made me smile. Broadly.

Not at the memories, or even the shared connection, but mostly for how God has chosen to work in my heart despite my choices. I smiled then and even now, in gratitude to my parents for the experience of it all.....if it were not for that, I don't believe that I would have ever known Jesus when I finally was able to hear him and see him in others.

I had forgotten what a pipe organ sounds like, fully throttled up, and being played heartily. I had forgotten what it sounds like when 300+ voices sing the doxology and the gloria. I had forgotten that I knew "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing", or that in the last verse there is a key change and a big ending. I forgot what it sounded like to hear 70 something sopranos singing the descant parts. (who am I kidding, I forgot what 70 somethings sound like singing period.) I had forgotten too, what it felt like to be sitting in a pew with my parents and family, feeling the pew shake when things start getting "dusty" for my dad, and how he looks when he presses his neatly folded hankie to his eyes in hopes that no one notices his emotions!

I sat there hoping no one noticed mine.

SHADY

2008-09-22T08:23:00.000-07:00

Noah: Mom, what does "shady" mean?

Me: What do you think it means buddy?

Noah: Dad says you're shady....because you don't do things that you should. I know what that means. You stay in bed and don't fix your small children breakfast.

Me: ahhahahahahahha....well, that's not exactly shady, just lazy...and I'm trying to teach you patience and responsibility. AHAHAHHAHHAHAH.

Noah: Dad said you're shady because you laugh at God. But I told him you laugh at everybody.

Me: That's true, I do laugh alot...but not at people.....and definitely not at God. I prefer to think of all the stuff I laugh about as laughing with people...even God I think. What do you think?

Noah: Well, you're still in bed...and I'm not laughing....and I'm hungry...so I just think you're being shady again!

Me: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Dreamers

2008-09-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

Dreamers. There are two types I think.

There are those people who dream about goals and achievements. These can be financial goals, physical goals, career goals, status goals. Mostly these goals and dreams are in some way physically tangible. There can be a sense of checking off the list and moving on to the next one.

Then there are those people whose dreams are based more relationally. I have heard these people described as "Utopian" thinkers and dreamers. These people do not have goals so much as visions of how things, mostly relationships, will be or could/should look. They don't have to be personal relationships, but lots of times about how people engage with one another and live in community together. They can be personal too. These dreamers cannot usually check things off a list.

I have great admiration and respect for the first group of dreamers. I love the idea of attaining something that I have worked hard for....or finishing something that I have started. For the most part, I never have. (That's a thought for a different day)

I fall into the second category. Recently, I believe a dear friend kindly referred to my thinking and dreaming as delusional. Oddly, I wasn't offended. The friend was right. Lots of the delusional dreams that I have in respect to relationships, both personal and on larger scale, will never play out the way I see them in my head and feel them in my heart. This, I have come to realize, is because Utopian dreams, as they relate to people, take far more effort emotionally than lots of people are willing to invest. They also require mammoth proportions of blind faith and gut instinct, and in today's world, most of us need tangible evidence and guarantees and mapped out plans, before we hang ourselves out there emotionally or personally.

I'm not sure why I feel like I need to write about this today....I am not making a comparison between the two types of dreamers as a judgement in any way. It is just a reminder for me I suppose, that while the kinds of dreams that I can push for and believe in, are not always going to play out neatly. The kinds of delusional dreams I have going on depend in large part on others with similar delusions buying in....and risking.

I guess I am comparing the two in some way. Because I am also sitting here wishing I had a list today with some things I could check off, or write off...and try as I might...I can't conjure one up. Well, that's not totally true either...I can conjure it...(with a little eye of newt, and old hag's cackle) but I can't check the things (or people) off.

Here in the aftermath....

2008-08-30T20:51:00.000-07:00

There are not many days in this life when we are allowed the privilege to experience (whether we want to or not), every emotion, flashback memory, or glimpse into the future that our limited human forms are capable of experiencing.

Move in day for your first child in college is one of those days.

Today was my day to experience it. Actually not just mine, it was our whole family's day to experience. All of us. Seven. Even though we don't live as a family of seven now, for this brief time, there was respite from the drama that divorce and all of its ugliness brings, and we moved Princess into college together. I say together, but actually, Noah and Elsa said their good-byes yesterday...so today it was just Princess (Thing one), Fiona, Olivia and Mark and I. Plus two car loads of "stuff", college necessities and the like. Of course it was us and about 500 other students and parents with dollies and flatbeds and futons and mini-fridges and long lines and one incredibly slow moving elevator!
But that's a side issue.

What I feel compelled to say now is how it felt. How surreal it all seemed to me, and I think to everyone else too. It started last night for me when her two best friends came home from their respective colleges for the weekend and spent the night here playing board games, laughing too loud and talking about incredibly inappropriate things. I wanted so badly to sit at the table and counter with them...to laugh and feed them...but every time I tried to come downstairs I was overcome with emotion. I couldn't hold it back, and since they are ruthless, I was certain I would be harassed mercilessly by them. (They have learned the fine art of that from me, hence my certainty). So instead I laid in bed listening, laughing, and crying....and remembering lots of other nights like it. Then this morning we were up and showering and everything was in the living room....I felt like I should be making a big breakfast, some kind of grand gesture send off...but I also felt totally paralyzed to mark this as an occasion. (Some might call this DENIAL). Instead we waited for Mark to arrive to pick up some of the gear, and we loaded up the cars and drove south. I rode with Princess. Even the task of driving seemed daunting to me. I just wanted to soak up the journey. I wanted to have a meaningful conversation, to say things that she would remember and cherish. I wanted to tell her how proud I am of her and how much I love her. How excited I am for her, and how much I will miss her.

I didn't. Every time I started to formulate the words, they just stuck. In my throat and in my mind. I need more time. That was something I kept thinking today. I need more time to teach her, to help her, to invest in her. But the time is up. The hourglass is empty on that one.

I am left to wonder if I said enough. If I taught her the right things. If she will make good choices because she will remember how to evaluate situations. I wonder if she will remember Who loves her more than we do, and that He is with her always. I wonder if she will miss life here, even though she will be loving the life of freedom somewhere else. (And even if she does, I pray she won't want to move back).

The actual leaving was difficult. She told us we could go..that she would be ok to finish up....and then we each had to say good bye. Each of us had to hug her, and one by one we all crumbled. The four of us leaving and walking away, even though every step seemed wrong...Olivia described it best. She said " I feel like we just left a puppy in a box by the side of the road and drove off." At our cars, Mark reminded me that this is what we have been working for from the time she was born. That we have prepared her the best that we can....and that this is how it is supposed to be....even though it doesn't feel like it. (This is hard for me to admit, but I know he is right!) lol.....

Sitting here tonight with Fiona and Olivia...and the letters that princess left for each one of us on our beds....well, its hard. Really hard. Now is the time I truly have to let her go, to trust that He is there with her, and also here with us. Here in the aftermath of college move in day.

From the trail

2008-08-16T18:30:00.000-07:00

So I found myself again on the trail today..taking a much needed walk to just be still and listen. To be away from the things pressing in and the endless list of things to do was a welcome respite. In the quiet I realized a few things, in no particular order.

l. Lots of people don't pick up their dog poop...and I would like to rub their noses in it.
2. Just when we think we are alone, God sends the perfect friend to do another 3 miles.
3. Old people still fall in love.
4. Some people think smoking weed and riding their bike is excercise.
5. God is always there, but sometimes I get soo busy, I don't listen or talk to Him.
6. If your toe feels like its being rubbed raw in your shoe...IT IS!
7. When things are quiet in the woods, a woodpecker can sound like a damn serial killer!
8. I don't get out into nature enough!
9. Time alone to think and pray and listen and just be, is probably one of the most important things ever.
10. It would be nice to walk the trail with the person I love.

Vacation Letdown

2008-08-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a wee bit blue tonight. After the BFF asked, I realized that much of my emotion is post awesome vacation let down. Then I realized that I hadn't really relived the vacation like I normally do. Perusing pics, laughing at the days events, feeling it all over again. Isn't that what great vacations make you do...want to re-live them...and possibly not ever leave them?

Looking through the pics I laughed hard at the memory of Noah mouwing through the salt and vinegar chips while his sisters slept unaware. (I didn't realized that my headphones could double as a "headgear" in the event he ever needs one). Elsa spent much of the week practicing the fine art of barrel walking....and Olivia practiced being a constant 'big foot" sighting in every ones pics!
One of the highlights of the week for my kids at least, was the rock jumping. They had no fear..which is scary...and I was lucky enough to get a shot of the oldest and youngest jumpers of the day launching off together! (Kevin and 5 year old Noah). We did all kinds of new stuff for Michigan folk...river swimming, trail hiking, train track walking...complete with killer bee swarm and sting fest for Noah and I....but I got a great shot of the tracks...that's what counts! It was so fun and relaxing just to hang out at Kevin's with the kids, talking and playing in the yard and jumping bikes in the driveway. I was fortunate to capture a rare photo of Captain Underpants as well...oddly, he looks strangely like Kevin's son Sean! It was a great week that flew by all too fast. I wish we were all cramming into a living room tonight to watch a great movie together with brownies and ice cream and ALL the toppings! Now that I really think about it, my BFF was totally right. I am feeling a lot of vacation let down....mixed with a little bit of wishful thinking about life being very different....and filled with lots more pictures like the one below!

SERVICE ENGINE SOON

2008-08-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

SERVICE ENGINE SOON----now there are three words you don't want showing up on your dash on the tail end of a week-long family vacation! But alas, yesterday, they did show up on mine...along with a revving noise and temperature gauge rising fast, in the middle of BFE Ohio, Beaverdam to be exact. Nothing there except a couple of truck stops and a whole lot of corn!

The kids and I coasted into the T/A Truck Stop( and honestly, T/A? could they not think of something a little less idk, suggestive?)...popped the hood, and then I proceeded to check dipsticks and fluid levels, trying to ascertain what exactly was up. A cursory inspection turned up nothing suspicious....at least to my untrained eye...(seriously, what the heck did I think I was gonna do if I actually did find something wrong...I certainly couldn't drop down and "weld" anything). While talking on the phone to my personal "car expert", a behemoth of a truck driver ambled up and stood quietly by until he could offer his services. Turns out he noticed my Michigan sweatshirt and actually lives only about 15 miles from me...he diagnosed some transmission issues with a quick look at the fluid color...(brown when it should be bright red), and found me a service station on his GPS. All the while, we talked about his truck driving career...which he started 5 years ago after a young woman broke his giant heart. He thought, wrongly, that driving a truck would help him forget how much he loved this woman. He didn't plan for the endless hours alone to think and rethink every aspect of the relationship, and the lonely days with little or no companionship at all. I didn't have much to say about all of that....except that you can't run from how you feel, and even when you want to change it, sometimes you can't.

Then I was off to the service garage...which didn't service anything but "big rigs". I thought my full mini-van should qualify...but nnooooo! The mammoth bald, tattooed skin head behind the counter did offer to call a couple of locals for me. Both of them were "just on their way to Sunday night church, but they would be glad to stop out in a couple of hours, after prayer meeting." The guy behind the counter snorted and kinda scoffed at that. He mused a little under his breath something about that being the thing about "those christian religious people" that didn't seem quite right. To his way of thinkin, helping someone with a need was what "those people" were "supposed" to do, isn't it? I treated the question as rhetorical.....but shoved off on my way, since apparently Jesus wasn't gonna drop by and turn my brown transmission fluid into wine anytime soon.

I made it home. But on the way, I thought alot about those two conversations. The first man was trucking because he was running from the pain someone else had inflicted, and he ended up more lonely than before, because he finds himself totally isolated and alone. The other guy doesn't claim to be a "religious" person, but seemed to understand what Jesus was about more than the folks on their way to Sunday night service. It made me think again about how He created us to be really....in relationship with Him and other people...to help other people along their journey when they need it...to just plain journey together with other people, some that we are closely intimate with and some who may just cross our paths occasionally. I found myself hoping and praying for more opportunities to just share life, and for the ability to discern the difference between "Sunday night church" activities and living the life He wants for me. The whole thing has made me think about how much my own engine needs servicing.....personally speaking.....all in all, my little car trouble is turning out to be a good thing for my heart....which has started to need some overhauling these days too!

Trust...Confidence..and Assurance

2008-07-30T17:32:00.000-07:00

Trust.

Implies instinctive unquestioning belief in and reliance upon something.

Confidence.

Implies conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, or past experience.

Assurance.

Implies absolute confidence and certainty.

Curious how these three words are intertwined...and in many ways build upon each other or reinforce each other...either in a positive way, or when they are lacking, negatively.

I wonder sometimes if life and its circumstances lump events together to test our beliefs or abilities to hold fast to mindsets or convictions, or if these things happen in clumps just randomly and without purpose. Possibly, it is that when I am evaluating or questioning my own judgement that everything seems to fall under the same umbrella of stupidity.

Being naturally wired to trust without question, to rely on people, things or circumstances with confidence, assurity.....I often find myself in the middle of the negative repercussions that happen when those things are ill placed or ill deserved.

I am finding more and more that I am viewing people and situations with a little more cynicism, skepticism and lack of faith. Questioning my own instincts is becoming second nature to me....and to be completely honest....I CANNOT STAND ANY OF IT!

I long to be able to trust people and situations to do and say what they say they are doing or will do. I long to be able to believe in and rely on guidelines and protocols to protect and provide in the ways that they should. I long for the day when doubt and uncertainty do not enter my mind.

And I am reminded that my only certainty is in the One who created me. My assurance comes only from Him and rests in Him. In this world, there will be uncertainty, that people and things and systems will falter and do not deserve my unwavering trust.

....still....I hope and long for utopia...at least my utopia!

Unexpected grace

2008-07-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

There are sometimes moments, or pauses in the everydayness of life, when I am confronted with a memory or an emotion that I didn't realized I had or felt. Which kinda doesn't make sense...but last night/today I was awash with just such a moment.

After a harrowing few days of worry, driving, praying and hospital sitting....I found myself home at last with my oldest daughter....healing from an abscess on her tonsil which landed her in the hospital for a couple of days. Driving to the drug store to pick up her prescriptions, I was blindsided by a song, which for some reason unleashed the floodgates of all the emotions that I had desperately been trying to stuff inside for the last few days.

More than the release of tension from this event came out though. I found myself thinking of her, my oldest, and how blessed I am to have her...(and the other 4 as well). I remembered vividly a time before she was born, when I believed that I would likely never have children. Because of a series of bad choices I made when I was younger (understatement), I had come to believe that God's consequence for my actions would certainly be to withhold a family from me. I believed this, and actually had accepted it without anger or bitterness....I believed, like many others sometimes do, that I would get what I deserved.

Then I found myself pregnant with Savannah....during the whole thing, I waited for something to happen. Something bad. And it never did. During my pregnancy...one day alone in our apartment, I was reading about God and his forgiveness, grace...and a quote from a teacher about His grace being a free gift that we don't deserve or ask for...unmerited favor! In that moment I knew that I wanted this grace...I wanted to believe in it, to believe that God wanted me to have it....from Him...a gift. I knew in that moment Who I would follow my whole life....and that He had already extended His grace, in the child that He had created inside of me. That was my first glimpse of His grace....and today....in the car the choices that I had made so long ago came flooding back over me....along with the very real knowledge that He had extended grace despite them. I don't often look back with regret or remorse....but today I experienced sorrow and a sense of loss for a child that I never had....and huge joy, to be here in this moment with the 5 that came later.

Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the busyness of life and single parenting.....and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility and just straight up hard work of it! Sometimes it is easy for me to forget and get caught up in the everydayness of life and I forget Who is guiding mine. Fortunately on days like today, He gently reminds me exactly how much He has loved me, and how much He always will. He reminds me of how huge and endless His grace is.....and that He extends it freely....especially when we don't deserve it!

Summer

2008-07-18T05:24:00.000-07:00

Some things about the last few weeks keep replaying in my head. Good stuff, fun nights and afternoons with friends. The kind of times that cannot be recaptured, or redone, no matter how hard we may try...some things just happen...when you spend time with people that you love unconditionally and completely. Take for instance this moment below. These two women are dear friends to me....and one of them just HAD to get a recipe written down....evidently before the other one was too confused to remember it!

This moment at the beach....actually the whole day....top down on the jeep...boys bitching in the back seat....and then these two chums rolling and playing in the sand and the inland cess pool....completely oblivious to two facts...l. They were rolling in warm pee water. 2. That this day and their summer days together were quickly coming to a close!

...we knew it was ending soon....and photo ops like this would soon be gone!

This is by far my funniest and dearest memory. My BFF crying and sitting on my counter...always one to look for a silver lining....she dug deep this night and BELTED OUT the eternal cheer booster.....THE SUN'LL COME OUT...TOMORROW...BET UR BOTTOM DOLLAR THAT TOMORROW.....THEY'LL BE SUN! ahhahahahahhahaahahha

I have always know that my BFF can't really sing....but on this night, with the tears and the Mikes Hard Lemonade.....it was never more glaring....or endearing! I love this woman. I miss this woman....she is amazing and courageous, and KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN! But now she's gone, back to the dirty south.....and I am sitting here incredibly thankful for the fun weeks of summer that we just lived to the fullest!

Impulsive

2008-07-13T07:02:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I act impulsively. It's an undesirable personality trait...and sometimes when I do something...I don't really think through all the ramifications of the action or act.

In the aftermath of just such an action...I wish more than anything that I could just turn back time a wee bit...just a smidge...

But instead I am left now reacting....and going to the beach to try and sort it all out in my head! Nothing like a good sunburn and a day splashing in the water to block out impulsive actions! I think that's called avoidance, another excellent trait I possess!

Reclaiming

2008-07-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

In recent days, or perhaps weeks, I have stopped some things that have been routine for me. In the process, I am now finding myself not feeling so much like me. Today it occurred to me, that this may be in large part, because of the things that I am NOT doing, as opposed to some of my more worrisome thoughts, that it because of the things that I AM doing.

I have not read much of anything that makes me think. Oh, I have glossed over some morning Bible passages...GLOSSED OVER being the operative phrase. I feel like I am reading but not thinking.....just monotone in my head, close the book...and off. Same goes for the couple of books that I was into. Nothing. Blah. I need some new material. I need to spend some time at Barnes and Noble...or some really good suggestions. I want a great novel that I can lose myself in and fall in love with the characters and feel a part of their lives. (Not, like creepy, "fall in love", like in Harlequin Romances, but just find some community of friends between the pages) I need something that makes me think and dream outside of the box too. Something real....like Anne Lamotte...but maybe someone new.

Since I have been out of school, I have also found myself not writing as much. This I know is because I am avoiding writing about things I know I should be writing about. Things and life that might actually be of value to someone besides me. But the problem with that is, I don't really want that to be what I have to say. Although I have no idea what I actually think I do have to say....I got not a lot else currently. Just the one thing that keeps nagging at me. (my avoidance factor is kicking in big time on this, but now I'm feeling like I'm running on fumes in my quest to avoid it).

Finally, the gym. Or the trail. Or the bike. Or the floor. Or actually anything that has anything at all to do with getting off my PHASS and moving! I can whine and complain all day about this....but ultimately, all my whining only makes me more pissy! (because I hate whiners)

I'm not quite sure what to do about all of this. Taking action and taking charge of myself again might perhaps be a great start. Becoming proactive about my own life....no one is going to make me happy forever if I am not happy with myself. Slowing in the course of my afternoon, which has been far to introspective and self abasing...I have started to see the light again....on the path in front of me....I hope I know where that path is leading....and as it twists and turns I want to enjoy and soak in every second of it.

Tomorrow.....I'm reclaiming myself tomorrow!

SWEAR WORDS

2008-07-11T17:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight I had the joy and sheer privilege to sit at my counter and lounge on the couches with these two amigos.....

Watching them interact and listening to them I was completely taken in by the similarities in their relationship to the one I have with my BFF. The littlest one is my BFF's son...he's 5. Mine is 7. They are bon hommes! Chums. Pals. Buddies.

They also know a lot about swear words. The also like to share their knowledge with others, especially grown ups who, struggle to maintain calm demeanors as they "couch" their knowledge in just such a way so as to not to get their mouths washed out with soap. Nolan proclaimed at the counter tonight..."in my town there's a road...Dam Neck...(and then he grabbed his little neck with 5 year old pudgy hands and grimaced) and said..Oh, my damn neck!" Then he stuffed in a huge bite of pizza to hide is smile! My response? Oh, yeah, that's not a good word. Then Noah said, "hey, does your grandma say the S word? " Nolan just stared and said, (while still munching his pizza), "you mean like Holy bleeeep? That S word?" Noah: "I think so, do you spell it S-H...." at which point I felt obligated to step in and try and steer to conversation in another direction. (and I am left to wonder which one of their grandmas use that word). Which somehow lead to H-E-L-L....which, segued into....the mother of all swear words.... S-U-C-K! (I was only too relieved to hear that this was the "biggie".

Eventually they got back to topics that I was far more comfortable with....although honestly, Godzilla, and Mothra, and King Hedora didn't make me laugh inside as hard....and then we were off to look for the above mentioned monsters at the video store.

They are nestled in the chair, with trucks in their hands, running commentary through the whole movie....and it has started to hit me that these days with our BFF's are numbered. We are into the final week....I don't want the boys to realize this now...I want them to think that days and nights and conversations like the ones above will happen forever....I want to think that too! Tonight I'm going to pretend like they are!

A recap

2008-07-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

Sitting here tonight, I am exhausted. My day though, has not been that difficult, and so I was sitting here wondering what in the frog I'm so tired from. And then I started browsing through the recently loaded photos and I was awash with memories from these past 7-8 days. Many of the really good moments are only captured in my mind, but some of these from the 4th of July made me smile.

After driving from Knoxville the day before and arriving home at about 130 am, we got up and drove another 2 hours to enjoy the Independence Day festivities in northern Michigan. Hometown parade, amazing cookout, jet skiing and fishing, sunning....and to begin the nighttime cap off...a campfire. And no campfire is complete without Michigan Koegel hotdogs. John and Kevin....(not natives) were captured for all time enjoying the delicacies of the Michigan frankfurter. (This was Kevin's 1st foray into the world of the koegel vienna....and the next day he was introduced, albeit hesitantly, to the koegel pickled bologna!) Noah was intent on stuffing in as many s'mores into his little gullet as he possibly could!

We headed out for the fireworks display a wee bit early...to ensure getting a "good" spot on the beach. We had plenty of time to hang out and relax...and of course watch the kids DANCE with sparklers! (I am fairly certain that this is an unsafe practice, and if this picture ever gets out, we all better hope Grandpa John never sees it!!) But not one was injured..no sparkler spikes in any feet bottoms so it was all good. The night capped itself off with the most amazing fireworks display I have ever seen....the were directly on top of us...we could feel the vibration in the sand as they launched them...and ash sprinkled down on your blankets as the lights faded...again...not something we want GJ to get wind of!

This was only the beginning of a friend and fun filled relaxing weekend....all of it was fun...but on the sleep deprivation end...maybe we all got a little shortchanged! Hence my feeling of malaise tonight. Or quite possibly its just that it all seemed so natural and fun and relaxing that I wish.....well....its not ll:ll yet so I'm saving my wishing....

Foment

2008-07-02T14:10:00.000-07:00

Most days I am certain that I know myself. My strengths, weaknesses, flaws, and "features", but today...not so much. Today I am feeling pummeled by emotions and thoughts that seem to be not mine.And by pummeled I mean...I can't fricken get away from them. The BFF told me I needed to take a brisk walk.

Check.

Then I decided to do some shopping...(that's something she does).

Check.

Nap.

Check

Oh, yeah, I forgot...in the middle of doing all those things...I have been praying....as pathetic as it may seem to God currently....it hasn't really been like deep, reverent prayer, but much more akin to, "help me get away from this stuff...I don't like it, want it....I don't understand it...". I feel like a a dog, frantically trying to chew off a collar, or porcupine needles from its nose...as hard as they try, they just can't get it off or out. Mostly I don't really know where it's all coming from either, which makes me even more flummoxed.

So, here I sit....out of sorts, off kilter....and a wee bit emotionally unstable! NICE!

Then I was reading, and learned a new word. Foment. It means to take a cloth dipped in warm water or medication and apply it to a body that needs healing. Actually foment means poultice...but that's what you do with it. That's exactly what I feel like I need tonight. I just want God or someone to foment my currently "un-me" effed up mind, and emotions and I want to just "BE"!

I want to be all the things that I like about me...sanguine, Pollyanna, trusting, open, holding nothing back.....I wish I wasn't a conflict avoider....I wish I had the "calls" to just speak out loud to people that don't really know me....for right now....i really wish I had a poultice!

The Recital

2008-06-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

In the hectic hustle and bustle of graduation and all the activities that were attached to it, and then finishing up the accelerated spring semester of college, there were events and occurrences which just kind of melded into life without a second thought.

Today, as I was drinking my coffee on the deck, something reminded me of my nieces vocal recital. A little background is in order here. My sister in law has been a staunch NON-SUPPORTER of any extracurricular events or activities. No dance classes, gymnastics, softball....until last year when one of her daughters tried out for cheer leading...they were activity free. I am not expressing any judgement on this decision one way or the other, my nieces are very well rounded young women...my sister-in-law did not make that decision to be mean in any way....she would just rather poke out her eye with a spoon than ever have to sit in stands, or attend concerts or recitals. She admits and touts this frankly, openly and with no apologies! When she has been invited, over the years, to attend my children's events, she has cordially and politely declined. Never once have I held this against her or judged her for her honesty....if I was more honest...who am I kidding...I just say it openly when attending...most of those events are eye poking and painful for me as well.

ANYWAY...back to my story...this year my nieces auditioned and were accepted into a musical/performance group called BJ Songbirds. Their end of the year event was a couple of weeks ago...my sister-in-law called about the event, the girls invited us...the SIL assured me that it was quite entertaining and enjoyable!

She neglected to tell me that at BJ Songbirds, they also give vocal lessons and this was the end of the year recital for those students as well! Can you say BAIT AND SWITCH? Once I realized what I was in for, my SIL was sitting smugly beside me stuffing down skittles like an addict!

Most of the evening was PAINFUL to say the least. Many young and old men and women want to be vocal stylists, but many should just be ok with being in the chorus, ya know. Seriously, as I was sitting there I thought, do they not hear themselves? Along with, if their coaches were indeed kind and loving folk, they would kindly and lovingly tell them to maybe try track or maybe curling next season!

...then "the girl" came on stage. Quite cute, seemed sure of herself, smiling at her coach offstage...music starts....first couple of notes a wee bit shaky....then blamo...forgot the words, forgot the tune, looked to stage right at coach, covered her face with her hands, began crying and started to bolt off the stage! I sat there thinking...(and I realize that this seems harsh) "Seriously, suck it up..you put in a lot of time practicing this song, you paid a load of money for these lessons...suck it up and finish the song!"

Her coach met her at the edge of the stage. She wrapped her arms around the girl who's head was on her shoulder crying. The coach picked the song up, singing strongly into her own headset while she walked the girl back to center stage. (in my head, and maybe out loud to the SIL, I thought/said..oh, my gosh, give me a break...stop being so dramatic). But as the song continued, the coach kept singing...never once taking her eyes from the girls....the whole time she was encouraging the girl to join in, and she did...several times...singing strongly a time or two...while looking into her coaches encouraging face..seeing her smile and nod...

The whole scene took on a different feel for me. The coach continued to love and support and BELIEVE in this girl..even when she was pretty much screwing up the thing she had worked hardest to do...probably over a very long period of time. And while it appeared to the girl and the audience that the girl had failed...big time...the coaches face and look did not express this at all. That girl knew, without a doubt, that her coach believed that she still had the best in her...that she was still amazing...that she was still valuable and still had a song to sing. The coach was holding her up, singing her part, when she couldn't...being strong when she couldn't be...and just waiting to turn it back over because she BELIEVED that eventually the girl would be able to sing the song on her own again.

How many times have my friends and people who love and believe in me done the same thing? How often have I returned that gift? Prayed when I couldn't. Believed when they didn't. Taken care of things when I didn't have it in me. Stood beside them no matter what.

The coach may have spent all year trying to teach that girl how to sing...but the best the best lesson she taught was on that stage....standing in the gap, until the girl was strong enough again to stand and sing on her own!

How often

2008-06-24T15:59:00.000-07:00

Recently I had a conversation with a friend and he posed a question something to the effect of "How often are we just going through the motions of the expressions of our faith and how often do we get it messed up....and how do we learn or practice or just live in the relationship?" And do we really know what that is....to not be going through the motions? (That isn't exactly how he said it, but a paraphrase from my perspective)

Over the last few days, that idea of how do I separate my relationship from the One who loves me and created me to love Him, from the expectations of others who see faith as something expressed in large part by participating in the "busyness" of church life. Right now, I am stepping a little away from the busyness, and honestly, I think it is a good thing. I am realizing that my relationship with Him has been clouded by what I percieve others expectations are from me. Recently I had a conversation with a friend who has been steeped in the observances of religious life....the services that are attended, the places she shops, the things she needs to boycott, the satelitte network she uses....even her attitude in labor...she actually talked about being in so much pain and her husband was kinda being a little less than empathetic, and she wanted to yell at him or something, but she said "I was a good christian example for the nurses, and I just kept it all inside."

Is that what this life and relationship is about. In order to be a "good christian, or good christian example" do we have to stuff things all inside? I tried that for 19 years. And yeah....not so much! Over the long haul of things, I don't think that was what God expected or wanted or demanded of me. I think somewhere along the way, some idea or some other persons expectations of what a "good christian example" is got in and screwed up what He wanted from me all along. I am not saying that He doesn't want us to express our faith at all...or even be a part of a larger body of followers...but He wants the relationship to come first...and everything else to fall into place as He leads and guides my heart.

He has never intended for me to stuff things in, or to be phoney in any way. He wants and loves the real me....(which does not give me free license to be coarse, raucaous and inappropriate...or even to follow Brittneys lead of "Whoops, I did it Again) He wants openness, willingness to be out there...living my life with other people who don't know Him....He wants me to be real and honest with other people on this journey. I want the relationship but right now, I am trying to figure out how to not mess up other peoples ideas or expectations of how the expressions or observances of my faith look. Because in yet another conversation, with yet another friend, she said something to the effect of "you are such a good person, you're so much better than I am...I just rarely make it to church." Bluauaahahhahghghghgg!

Rising up out of my chair I nearly screeched at her....."are you kidding me? Being in church or at home in my garden doesn't have any bearing on how good I am! And especially in comparison to you...seriously! She had said this after we had talked about praying...and how for her it is just something she finds herself doing constantly, like an ongoing conversation! (Sounded very like she had things right) And if only she had been in my head recently while I sat in a service....well...honestly the things in my head....well...if I had been in that ongoing conversation, maybe they would have been different things! A good thing that came out of that services though was something said from the pulpit...or actually the runway...but the speaker said something similar to what my friend had said earlier in the week. He said "How often do we get the principles, but never know the person of Jesus? How often does that happen and to how many of us? And why have we let it continue for so long?

Right now, in this place in my life...I'm wanting very much to make sure I have those things in the right places, and order. Just a few things

The event

2008-06-21T17:34:00.000-07:00

The event is over. And now, in the aftermath of what turned out to be a lovely day with many of the people who love gradzilla and us in general, I have a rare evening of relative solitude to look back on the events that brought us to and through today.

Only one week ago, in a last ditch effort to make the house "presentable", my living room was looking a little like picture l and 2.....and finally, after what seemed like no time, my dear friend had transformed my otherwise "jankey" living room into picture 3's inviting space. At one point today, while it rained for a bit, this room looked curiously close to what I imagine the "red tent" was like in ancient Jewish tradition. Seriously, almost every woman and young girl here were packed into this room, lounging and talking and laughing!

Last night, on the eve of the big day, when most people in my family would be frantically cleaning and doing other sundry preparations, I threw caution to the wind and just had fun with these two special women in my life. (pic 6) We painted our toenails, some of us sucked down way too many Mexican ales, and laughed, talked, spoke truth, expressed shock and loved each other unconditionally!

The preparations kicked into high gear when these three women arrived about 12:15 to "run" the show. They gave up their days today to help serve my guests, to make sure that the food didn't run low, and to infect others with their smiles! Seriously....look at these women smiling...I only wish I could record Paula's laugh on this blog....its very akin to an infectious cackle! Love these women!

And then, before I knew it, the party had ended. The last of the guests had left. Most of the cleaning up had been done. I looked out at the road and saw this pile....the spoils of the day! Nothing says "a good party" like 25 bags of trash and two full recycling bins! Currently, I am incredible thankful that I have a one- price- takes- all plan with the garbage men! This day could have put me into a serious financial crunch otherwise!

Going back into the house, I looked into the backyard and caught sight of the empty tent with tables, absent of cloths and centerpieces, chairs and people, and a wash of melancholy seeped over me. I feel a little like Steve Martin in the opening scene of Father of the Bride....exhausted from the work of it all, emotionally spent from the love that seemed to be every where I turned, and realizing that in the aftermath of this day, is the end of this chapter for Thing one. The graduation festivities are officially over...and she is officially on her way into the next chapter of her life.

Fortunately for me, I was able to be fully part of this day with her and for her. Even as I write this, I am listening and answering questions that she and her two BFF's are asking from them counter...as they stuff themselves with leftovers. The summer now awaits us...full of lots of exciting new prospects and adventures....and the memories that will linger from this incredible day....that took months of memories to get too...I wouldn't change a thing!

....the saga continues

2008-06-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

In the ongoing saga of the open house....on Tuesday I finally located the tent...and they are indeed still planning on bringing it tomorrow to set up in the morning! YEAH!!!!

....my parents were here yesterday to "help", and we ended up with a plumbing issue that is still not totally fixed, but considering it didnt bother me to begin with, I am willing to live with the small spray that now comes out of the sink handles when you turn on the water in the MAIN bathroom that will be used during the open house! My mom spent 4 hours cleaning out the sliding glass door tracks...which, truth be told...I didn't even think were dirty to begin with...let alone 4 hours worth of cleaning with some kind of lye mixture, dirty! Apparently I live in squallor and don't realize it...and honestly, I am totally ok with that!

While rearranging the family room to make room for picture boards and tables, I knocked off the DVD/VCR.....shattered....broken...going to the landfill as we speak!

But I have a tent. And food...I ordered the food! It's all coming together.

My friend stopped by last night to look at gradzillas picture boards...and asked "who is this woman with your kids?" I looked over her shoulder and reeled back in horror...evidently I had a whole time frame of horrific hair and waxen make-up phase that I have blocked out...and evidently I didn't know my current BFF, because if I did I am certain she would have made me do something about myself! It was good that she stopped by last night...I needed a little brevity to be able to move forward.....

In the middle of all of this, I have realized a few things. Putting on an open house is damn hard work...but although I am the lone parent here, I have not been alone in this task. I have had much help and support from some of the most amazing friends that I can imagine. Not just in preparing for this....but even in raising and nurturing my kids. Without all of the people that God has put on this path with me, I know for certain that I would have crumbled long before now.....

So....broken DVD player and leaky faucets and all....I am looking forward to celebrating this weekend with all of the people who love gradzilla....and me...and who I am fortunate to be doing life with in this place!

Head in Ass

2008-06-16T15:05:00.000-07:00

WARNING: If you are prone to excessive worrying and hand wringing...read no further...if you are a judgemental and pious finger pointer...read no further...if you need to feel better about your little bout of forgetfulness like say perhaps, you forgot to take the garbage out last night instead of this morning...then read on...you will feel much better about yourself!

When my dad comes over to my house, occasionally he finds some thing or another that I have forgotten to do, or misplaced or neglected. On these occasions he feels compelled to say as he shakes his head in scorn and dismay..."Carolyn..you need to get ur head outta your ASS."

As today has unfolded, I have found myself saying it to myself....the rub there is, that currently my head is so far stuffed up my ass that I am unable to hear anything but a muffled "wha, wha, whah, wha..." much like the peanuts adults.

Item l. Got up and went to class, only to discover that I had not read the syllabus correctly. No class today!
Item 2. Went to financial aid office, discovered that I need to turn in some pertinent information by Wed. to receive the financial aid.
Item 3. Went to consult with the 5-O only to discover that my PPO had expired...NICE! Just when I need it!
Item 4. Realized that I had neglected to order food for open house from the caterer...then promptly forgot again!
Item 5. Called to reconfirm tent rental...and realized that I had all the information EXCEPT who the EFF I rented it from....and no one remembers talking to me...
....and no one has tents left! MAJOR HEAD IN ASS!
Item 6. Received follow up mail about two important matters..l. My 2007 tax audit that I forgot to send verification information about...delaying my 521 dollar refund even longer. 2. Misplaced financial verification in another area, thereby making me unacceptable as a person in general!
Item 7. Didn't drag yard waste to curb...and now it will be yard ornamentation for the tent less, food-sparse open house.
Item 8. Ran into two people while out who did not receive invitations to said sparse and hot, shade free open house...who were distinctly miffed and did not seem to believe or accept my heartfelt apologies...and encouragement to just come anyway!

It is now 6:22. I want to go to bed. I haven't fed my family. I need to keep cleaning. I want to run away. I need to finish homework. I need some kind of grease or oil to unwedge this melon that is so far ensconced in my ass that I cannot for the life of me seem to get it out!

out of sorts

2008-06-10T11:09:00.000-07:00

Out of sorts. That's how I have been feeling the last day or two. Oddly, even in the aftermath of some amazing and unexpected answers to prayer.

I have talked often of the thing or things I want most. Actually it is not just a thing, but a whole life with a person who has my whole heart. That life will not happen easily. Neither one of us is the easy or quick choice. After a brief interruption in our journey, it seems that maybe we can sort out the obstacles and find the path to becoming a reality.

Sometimes in the aftermath of very real conversations and huge dreams....the enemy of our hearts can step in and try and steal them away. I think that is happening right now. And while I recognize that, I feel a little powerless to stop it. If he (the enemy) could stop two families from becoming one, especially if that family combined is stronger and longs to follow the One who loves them more than any other, wouldn't that be a huge thing. I think one of the biggest places he attacks is the heart of families. Our two families separately are proof of that. The person who has my heart and I are both doing the best job that we can to raise kids who love God....but we long to do that together...to bring balance and perspective into each others worlds.

Anyway...even writing all of this, I still feel out of sorts about it all. I guess it all comes back to the BELIEVING that He is able to do EXCEEDINGLY AND ABUNDANTLY beyond what either one of us could ask or imagine. Believing that in the day to day when I can't be where I want to be...or with the people that I want to be with, that eventually it will happen...and that I have no interest in letting the enemy of my heart undermine what God promises to" those who love Him and are called according to His purpose!"

BELIEVE: THE ADDENDUM

2008-06-05T18:10:00.000-07:00

A few other things I want to believe tonight......

That these peonies will bloom all summer, keeping me ever smiling and happy when I look at them in my yard and on my table.

....and that in the morning, when I wake up, the mulch shoveler and his elves will have emptied this trailer!

and that this hair is purely a horrific by-product of the humidty, and not a permanent atrocity that I will have to struggle with forever!

BELIEVE

2008-06-05T17:58:00.000-07:00

My friend brought me this little rock today. She said she saw it yesterday, and felt compelled to buy it and then didn't. She claimed that her lack of listening to her instinct caused her to be "gloomy". So, in an effort to snap herself out of the gloom, she went back and got it today.

We haven't talked in the last day or two....she had no idea how much I really needed to be reminded to just believe. I have been believing something for a long while now. I have been waiting and believing....and I think maybe....idk....but anyway...just when I think maybe...I started to let a little fear and uncertainty creep in. A little over thinking and second guessing...and WHAMO....I took my eyes off of believing.

It comes as no surprise now, that just when I was faltering, someone who cares about me, who has believed with me...(or at least plied me with wine in her hot tub while I struggled with it), felt the nudge to pick up a reminder for me. She said she thought it might be a little "jankey", but she didn't care...I can put it in my unmentionable draw if I want! I'm not putting it there...It is right here, where I can see it first and last everyday, just in case I start to let it slip away again.

missing

2008-06-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

These days my dear friends are leaving in flocks. This going away party was sooo sorely lacking one dear friend in particular, that some of us just went ahead and pretended like she was there. First, Zac wanted to talk and laugh about all his old memories from his "manny" job last summer. Then Darrel just wanted to explain (once again) why she couldn't go "staff lunch". Anne and I just were pissed off that she left and wanted to glower and plead with her to come back. Anne thought she might just be ticked off and ignore her. Dave and Darrel just wanted one parting picture of the "dream team", the three amigos....and Anne and I realized we just wished she was sitting there hanging out and laughing with us. We mused on this day, where was are friend now? What was she doing while we were missing her. And then we found out........

...here she is...living the dream in her "quick set" pool...in the DIRTY SOUTH!!!

Knowing is not believing

2008-06-02T20:37:00.000-07:00

Occasionally when I am re-reading something that is familiar to me, I am careless with the words, and in my mind somewhere I am thinking, "yeah, yeah...I know this, or that....", or worse, I think, with an air of superiority, "Oh yeah, that's true, and I kinda nod...as if to confirm for myself that I believe or actually do what I am reading..."

I caught myself tonight. I was re-reading this passage..."that He is able to do exceedingly, abundantly, beyond what we could ever ask or imagine..." There I was, in the chair....thinking, how true I know this to be...and then it hit me.

In a number of circumstances on my mind and heart currently, I believe that He can do what I am asking, or imagining....but I am not truly believing that He can do MORE...and exceedingly and abundantly beyond....?

I want to believe it. I want to believe it for me, but also for other people too. I want them to know it and believe. Tonight I am wondering....how do I do that...how does anyone. Is believing this and other things that God claims or promises just a matter of knowing, reading and understanding.

Does my fear, doubt and worry get in the way of fully KNOWING this? I don't think it is really just an issue of knowing though. But maybe it is something that I need to just keep repeating, keep re-reading, keep in front of me....and after a time, maybe I will embrace and understand it. Maybe it is the process of time that takes what I know and transforms it into that which I can totally believe!

For Beth

2008-06-02T13:38:00.000-07:00

So today, after a night of no sleep because I was chaperoning a senior celebration/lock in last night...I am feeling really, really good. Its prolly just the cycle of the moon...but right now I don't really care.

So, while in my really, really good...feeling like I'm all that kind of mood...I went to the grocery store. Kinda strutting it up while flying through picking up some stuff to make dinner for some friends...I see and acquaintance and smile...again...thinking I am ALL THAT.....i careen around the corner and totally take out a CASE of wine....Merlot actually....and i kinda wanted to just get down and suck it up...but that would have been very unsavory....and counter productive to my thinking I was all that....anyway...I schlepped outta there...and proceeded to the hardware to get yet another key made for one of our cars. While there, I struck up another jaunty conversation with someone at the register...again...kinda cocky....when I went out to get in my car there was a Pool van next to my car...with one of those kinda scruffy pool guys in it....so while i was smiling at him I threw open my car door....and SCREAMED....the man from the register was sitting in it!

Of course...it wasn't really MY van....just a look alike....so there I was, again, schlepping away from that encounter....totally horrified at myself....but laughing.

My whole peacock attitude I realized is because the song "This is why I'm hot" is playing on repeat in my head.....and I've been believing it.....AHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

Ah...the power of the not so subliminal suggestion.....

I'm just glad..."You look so dumb right now" isn't on replay! Actually it probably should be!

KAYSAK

2008-05-31T20:45:00.000-07:00

A few short years ago, these 5 girls were permanent fixtures in my home. They were inseperable friends...in 9/10 grade...they cheered, went to dances, talked to senior boys, ate dinner at Olive Garden...

They called themselves KAYSAK....

Tomorrow they graduate. They are not the inseperable friends that they once were, but I am certain that they will all be remembering those days, tomorrow and in the days ahead. They helped introduce me, a new mom to high school life, to the ins and outs of the modern day life of teenagers.

There was nothing these girls would not say or talk about...or ask. When I first met them, most of them had not had their first real kiss. They had never had their hair done for a formal dance. They had not yet snuck out of a window to hang out on the lawn or a swing at 3 am with boys that could drive up quietly. They loved to make tons of food for bonfires and spent hours getting ready only to pull sweatshirts on over freshly done hair. None of them could drive, but they all knew "responsible" big brother types who would take them anywhere....(yeah..right)

Once they started experiencing stuff...they would spill it all, over boxes of waffles and Edy's Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough Ice Cream....or in the car, driving back and forth to Lexa's moms, or to Taco Bell....or to football games or dinner....

Looking back, I realize what a priviledge I had in sharing in these memories with them...that laughing, crying, agonizing, fighting....what an honor it was for me to be a part of their lives for this short while. I miss them. Together as a posse....but these days they have grown in different directions...some of still hang here...some I rarely see...some come in and out...and it is like no time has passed.....Katy, Ashley, Savannah, Alexa and Kelly.....I love you girls!

2008-05-31T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today has been long. Not necessarily bad long...just long. An interview at Starbucks at 8AM.....then some hard core lawn mowing....complete with mowing up a rug...which led to some "issues", which of course I was ill equipped to handle...then it began to storm...so on to the inside where I helped Elsa HOE OUT HER STY (i mean room). One thing led to another and before I knew it, I was changing sheets, cleaning, vacuuming..the whole shabang....keeping busy is good...keeps my mind from drifting too far....

...then I took another kid shopping for shoes and unmentionables....the only thing worse than shopping for those two things is shopping for bathing suits and dresses...which sadly I did earlier this week for myself...GRRRRR.....

And now I have arrived back home....and I am going to indulge in one of my favorite luxuries....climbing into clean sheets, fresh with lavender spray...and read! On a beautiful spring evening with the wind blowing the curtains....pure bliss. At the end of a day filled with lots of things.....my haven awaits!

Interpretations

2008-05-29T19:22:00.000-07:00

Soooo....sometimes I think hmmm...what are people thinking. Or rather, how is their interpretation of things so clearly different. Not right or wrong really...well, maybe sometimes, but just...different.

Take tonight for example. Someone offered me a beer. I asked, "Is it good beer?" and they answered, "Yeah, its good." So tonight I had my first, (and last) Miller Genuine Draft! Clearly not good beer. And also clearly not agreeing with me now!

Tonight someone looked at me and said "Oh, you polished your toes!", to which I answered "Yes, indeed I did." Later when I took off my new girly shoes...the same person looked down, chagrined and said..."I thought you said you polished your toes?" "I did....you didn't ask how many...I just did the 2 that showed in my shoes." (I little trick I learned from my BFF!)

Recently I had a conversation that was going to be continued "later".....I have learned that "later", or "in a bit" mean different things to different people. Some people think "later" means like in a few hours or a day or so....others perceive "later" to mean.....anytime at some point in the future...possibly weeks.....the same thinking goes for "in a bit." The time reference for those two words/phrases in clearly ambiguous.

I put in a job application a month ago...actually like 5 weeks. The manager said that they needed to hire some people quickly. He called today. To some people "quickly" means in a week or two, to others it clearly means "at some point in the future." Kinda like "later!"
Now I'm going to have to call the manager back and tell him that I still have a desire to work for his company, but I can't start work for "a bit."

Interestingly, I'm certain that coming from me, or from my perspective, that phraseology won't fly. I'm sure the job will no longer be available "in a bit", or "later." How unfortunate is that.

Anyway...here I am tonight, putting off my homework for a "little bit"....I'm also thinking about going up and rousting out a "good" malt beverage!

things creep up

2008-05-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

Things creep up. Before you know it, time has slipped past, years actually...and you find yourself sitting up late on the eve of your child's very last, last day of public school. It's amazing the things that can run across a person's mind on a night like this.

Of course, this isn't how I pictured things to be. Therein lies its own sadness. Not only is life changing and moving forward for her, but it is for me as well. And on the cusp of this new phase in her life....I find myself a little frantic about my own. That in and of itself is something I didn't expect or plan or envision for this time.

This is all very surreal...I don't feel engaged in the process...it seems much more like I am reacting to the events rather than cherishing them or experiencing them to the fullest. It feels very much like life is spinning a little out of control around me....and the more I fight to keep it upright, the more it tilts and leans. Tonight I am finding myself wanting more than anything to put on the brakes...and experience the next few days in slow motion...to seer them into my memory....

Knowing that raising a responsible, albeit slightly "blonde" daughter has been a huge part of my life for the last 17 years, I am sitting here tonight wondering, What next? Somehow I know my role as her parent is never going to be over...but now things change a bit. I am a little fearful that in the next phase I won't do so well with the letting go part. The part where I trust what has been taught and modeled...the part where I watch as she grows into maturity, praying all the while that somehow she has "caught" some of the good stuff, amidst a sea of bad....

Tonight I have found myself feeling more alone than I have ever been....while she and I sat on the couch and talked and cried and remembered lots of stuff together.....tomorrow and in the days ahead she will be remembering lots of that stuff with her friends....but tonight was just for us....and sitting here now, I remember just exactly when I felt like this for the first time with her. It was the night she was born. After her dad had left the hospital, the nurses had done their rounds...and it was just the two of us there in the room...her snuggled up, in my arms, dozing in and out....and crying some too...I felt a little alone and uncertain on that night too....unsure of what lay ahead for us....on that night...I didn't even see this one coming!

All that is good

2008-05-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

Every time I go on vacation with my kids, I am reminded that I am blessed beyond reason. For whatever quirky reason...we do well on vacation...things seem easier, we actually remember why it is that we enjoy each other. Vacations for us, bring out the best....and I realize how unusual that can be.

This weekend, despite highs of 63 and 58....we jet skied and tubed....for HOURS! The kids SHIMMED, and I do mean SHIMMED into wetsuits...and never complained..about the cold, the wind, taking turns....it was pure adventure and fun! Noah and Elsa fished...of course, if they didn't have an awesome Aunt Patty this would have never been possible...their mother and Uncle John would rather run the Boston Marathon NUDE, than put a worm on a hook or take a fish off of it!

We enjoyed lazy hours reading, talking, playing games, napping.....and of course American Idol playoffs on the Wii! Noah and Fiona being the current champions!

My sister is an amazing cook...and RELAXED AND EASY to work with in the kitchen....she also makes a mean low-carb margarita....(maybe its just me, but if ur drinking tequila and eating mexican...how many more calories are there really in lime-aid and triple sec...I'm just saying).

We cooked some great stuff and had enormous fun doing Highs and Lows around the table...its amazing, that when on vacation, it becomes increasingly difficult to pick a low....

I had some much needed time to think....no answers, but lots of thinking....I suppose that's good, although right now I'm back to the fence....the BFF empathetically says things are bound to change....they can't stay like this forever...I'm trying to believe her....in any event she also reminded me that she'll be here in 25 days!!!

Driving home today I was tempted to get all bogged down with the stuff that clouds my vision...and then I saw theses pictures from the weekend....and I'm reminding myself of all that is good and wonderful in today.

Just like Israel

2008-05-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

Just a quick missive from northern Michigan:

BEING STILL AND WAITING....not so much!

Why is it that just when you think you have something down, that it becomes so much more difficult?

I feel so much like the the Israelites, running from God...and not knowing it or really realizing it..while they were in the middle of it. Sometimes I am left realizing that I put "this idol and that idol" or" this god or that god", in front of all that He truly desires from me. And when it all boils down....does He want all that much, aside from my heart? Not really.

Trusting Him

Obedience

Loving Him before all else

That really isn't a big list....and I think that encompasses all that He wants from me....

Being still up here...well, that has been kinda hard....the being still in my mind. The trusting.

I'm beginning to feel again, like the Israelites...impatient with His plan and wanting to rush ahead with my own...fortunately for me, I have had enough time being still to realize that MY PLANS SELDOM WORK OUT THE WAY I WANT....and, I also don't want to end up like Israel, in exile for hundreds of years, or dying in the desert before entering the promised land....

For now....I'm working on all of this...for now....who am I kidding..I'm gonna be working on all of this for a lonnnnggg time...just like Israel!

The weekend

2008-05-23T11:02:00.000-07:00

OK, so I am sooo sneaking this little blog in while Olivia SLAVES away cleaning out the car...and by cleaning I mean she took out all the seats and like detailed it...I am supposed to be inside paying bills and finishing up last minute packing...and here I sit!

We are going to my sisters for a couple of days of jet skiing, beach lounging, and hopefully some margaritas....what I am most looking forward to while there is just having a little more time to BE STILL!

I am hoping to run along Lake Huron...my first non-treadmill venture...and just really listen and spend time with Him. I need a little space I think to ponder alot of things...and just wait. This week has been easier in that venture...(now that I said it, it will all change)...but I am learning that no matter how things change and shift in all of the lives around me....God is still God...and He isn't going anywhere...EVER!

When we get back, we have a cookout with still another set of dearly loved friends who are leaving this place. They were here for lunch today....and it took every last ounce of my energy not to just sit at the counter and blubber. They have been Jesus in flesh to my children and I, especially during the last few years...we have just "done life" with them...their two kids spent every day with me for the last 4 years...we have laughed and cried together....sat around campfires and counters talking and laughing for hours. This weekend will be our last picnic together for a long time I think. I am so excited for the new opportunities that wait for them....but I am despondent at the loss of their everydayness in our lives.

I guess that is how life is though....ebb and flow....changes happen all the time, when we least expect them....this weekend I am going to try and "find my place" with all that that encompasses.....and just BE STILL AND WAIT!

FULL OF MYSELF ADVICE

2008-05-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

This occurred to me this afternoon in the car while driving all over hell and gone...and not just occurred..but this hit me like an actual EPIPHANY...like the light on the Christmas tree in CHRISTMAS VACATION...

If everyone just listened to me..and I mean really LISTENED and they actually BELIEVED WHAT I TELL THEM....and then actually took my advice....LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT!

I called my BFF to see what she thought about my insight...and she agreed...wholeheartedly...but then again she thinks exactly like I do...which reinforced my epiphany....and then I asked her if what I was wishing for was bad (and I'm not saying it, because most people would be horrified and shocked that this wish would even flutter through my mind) and she said, "no, I wish the same thing sometimes." So....maybe eventually others will follow...ahahhahahahahahhaha!

Anyway...that's all I got...just a little epiphany recap...IF EVERYONE LISTENED AN BELIEVED, LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT!

Being Still and other Hard Stuff

2008-05-20T06:01:00.000-07:00

Late Saturday night when I was preparing my GracePlace lesson, (and by late I mean 1am), I had the first in a series of impressions about patience. I was teaching about Growth, and the whole idea of growing in our relationship with God and how in the process of that some things about how we live our lives change....or at least should change, while we allow Him to help us become His image here...where we live now!

Repeatedly I was reminded that to be a reflection of Him we choose to love even when its hard or with people who are unlovable, to be kind when we don't want too, to choose joy despite our circumstances, and to be patient....when we want to rush ahead and do things for ourselves, to sit and worry and wring our hands and become Chicken Little's, believing that what we want most will never happen...because its not happening NOW!

The second time the patience thing hit me was during worship on Sunday...before GP. We sang about being still and knowing that He is God....we sang about what happens while we wait....He makes us strong....and then we read a verse for Psalms 37....and of course I was all over the part about "delighting in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Oh yeah...I'm all about being delighted...(that is not sarcasm), I can honestly say that while I absolutely do not understand the what and why of life...I love that God is in it...doing what He does...you know...just being GOD!

So there I sat, a little smug, thinking about all the desires of my heart, (and obviously not about my selfish drifting), when this verse just like morphed off the screen....like in 3-D at me....."Be still before the Lord and wait PATIENTLY FOR HIM..."

I do an alright job of delighting in who God is....but in the being still before Him...and waiting patiently...NOT SO MUCH! The saddest part of that to me right now is, that I know this issue has come up before with me and God...this is not the first time that He has reminded me to be still...and patient. I'm starting to feel slightly obtuse here....and a little concerned that He might recommend me for Title 1 due to my lack of comprehension here on this.

I wonder what that would look like. Some more patience exercises....more things that I need to be patient about...more situations that require stillness....and listening. I had to wear the talking bib in 2nd grade once...(well, maybe more than that), and I'm thinking maybe God is considering something along those lines as well...some kind of reminder to not fill up all of my time with other stuff when I maybe need to be about being still and patient. Oddly, I was frustrated with someone recently about their lack of patience and need to just push along their own timeline, whether that is the right choice or not....and again, in that conversation, when I least expected it, God spoke to my heart and I was reminded....that I don't want to rush ahead of His plans, that waiting and being still and patient are good....that waiting for the right thing and not settling for less is always worth it in the end...no matter how hard it is in the process.

Right now, I'm waiting and being still in several areas of my life. It's hard. But I think I'm gonna make it....at least today.

She's come a long way

2008-05-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

She has come a long way since her first formal dance in 9Th grade. Back then the whole day was frenzied with preparations and anticipation...she was ready hours before it was time to leave for the dance. On this day, the day of her last formal high school event, Prom "08...this lovely young women had not ONE moment of panic. At no point did she seem frantic or stressed out. She lolled around the house, painted her toenails on the kitchen table, repainted her fingernails, and spent a lot of time reminiscing about dances gone by. She didn't' let the fact that she had a horrible cold and no voice stop her from being excited about the evening. She got ready like an old pro....and came downstairs....for the last time...in a dress that looked amazing on her

I have to admit, there were a couple of moments in the course of the evening when I thought I might be morphing into my dad....like when I took the picture of she and her BFF...I have this same picture of the two of them from every dance that they have gone to in high school...12....seeing the friends who have all grown into strong minded young women. Her high school years have been full and rich with the important things....great friendships, girl drama, more laughing than seems humanly possible...and a seemingly endless parade of boys! All of the things that she will hopefully look back on with fondness....

I realized tonight that raising teenagers is a fun gig....most of the time! I also realized that I have 42 more dances to take pictures at....there are going to me lots more dresses...and at the end of that... tuxes! LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GURL~

2008-05-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

Today is a very special day. If I could be anywere today it would be in Arkansas, celebrating the day my BFF was born. That's what you do on peoples birthdays...you celebrate them and their lives! You stop and remember all of the reasons why they are amazing and you revel in the fact that you have the priviledge of knowing them. If I were there celebrating her day with her, these are some of the things I would say and remember.

~I am amazed and inspired by your courage
~I absolutely love that you are outspoken
~I am in awe of your skills with power tools
~You push me to speak the truth
~You make me laugh when you speak it...and then say seriously...WTF
~Again, I laugh because you think potatoe skins are a meal
~I learn so much from you....especially about geography
~You force me to think about people in places I have never heard of....and the fact that anything we may experience is small, because in Myanmar they live 20 to a hut
~Your compassion and dreams for young women challenges me
~Your ability to have FUN despite any and all issues that land either of us in shit creek is your otter at its best

Some of the things I would remember and laugh about that can be written in a public domain:

Hmmmm....I guess most of those things need only be reminisced in private...aahhahahahahhahahah

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GURL~~

Today I am celebrating you...KRISTA!

LIFELINES

2008-05-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

These five items have become LIFELINES for me. Life everyday now would be mere existence without these items.

The interesting thing about all of these things is that 7 months ago, none of them were apart of my daily life. NONE!

Looking back, (which I don't really want to do), I can pinpoint when each one became important. The shoes and inserts...late March..after realizing that I couldn't run without them.

The Medication...late April....after nearly giving up the exercise because of knee and foot PAIN!

Bike seat....mothers day....and none too soon...I have absolutely NO IDEA how anyone bikes any distance at all on those THONGS of the bike seat world!

And the lilacs...well, they come every spring. Year after year I am reminded how much lilacs make me smile. They make me happy...just to see the full, lush bushes, in varying shades of purple...and the smell of them on spring evenings....absolutely
NOSTALGIC! I grew up in a neighborhood overrun with lilac bushes....always begging to be picked and presented to a deserving mom....just to say ....I love you!
( Oddly, my mom was here yesterday and put the lilacs out on the deck while she stayed....because they are just too....(mom waving her hand in disgust in front of her nose!) I wonder, did she feel that way when I brought them to her as a child, or is age just making her forget about the simple pleasure and beauty of the seasons and their flora and fauna?

Anyway....these five items today I celebrate. That I can use them, take them, ride them and enjoy them....everyday....in 7 months, who knows what my lifelines will be....I only know what they WON'T BE!

A Little Creepy...and Disturbing!

2008-05-13T20:10:00.001-07:00

Maybe it's just me. Maybe I have somehow lost the understanding and appreciation of children's literature. The pure whimsy of it. Don't get me wrong, the story here in my 6 year olds reading book is wonderful. Very funny. Thought provoking. Some good critical thinking opportunities.

But Poppleton as seen below, is only partially dressed. For some reason this is incredibly perplexing for me. Many a children's book has been written with clothed animals. Not disturbing or peculiar to me at all. Some books contain animals au naturale...again...I embrace the authors choices.

The partially dressed Poppleton disturbs me. Maybe its his glowing pinkness. Possibly it is that his legs, with cloven hooves stretched taut, seem very "ham-like." Did the author vacillate about how to showcase Poppleton in the best possibly light, to ensure capturing the children's attention and imaginations?

He certainly succeeded in capturing mine. I feel embarrassed for Poppleton. Like he is somehow the emperor.....in half-clothes! I also feel compelled to tell him to not sleep on his back....not very attractive Poppleton! Maybe it's because of the recurring nightmare/paranoia thing about showing up somewhere without pants....kinda like Arthur did!

Anyway....my 6 year old absolutely LOVED THIS PAGE! (which in my opinion may be slightly concerning) He re-read it 3 times. Then he read it to each of his sisters when they got home! They all laughed hard.....and shared my views..."Poppleton seems a little creepy with only a night shirt on...where are his pants?"

As far as the reading of Poppleton went, Noah gets 5 stars...whizzed right through it. He told me tonight that you can say "the" 2 ways...."thee" or "the." He prefers "thee", "Because it sounds more interesting!" Very Elizabethan!

CREVICES

2008-05-12T19:39:00.001-07:00

I was reading today about the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. A place where Jews have been going and leaving behind their petitions to God for hundreds of years.

I don't think there is any politically correct or right or wrong way to leave your prayers and such there, but often people write down their worries and stick the little scraps of paper in the ancient crevices there. And then they just walk away.

While I've never been to the wailing wall, and honestly I probably will never go....the idea of writing down the things that are weighing heavily on me and sticking them in a crack somewhere seems kind of appealing. But then what? I think I would go back and pull out the paper and see if somehow God had penned back a solution, or a quick fix tip...or even a small word of encouragement to let me know that turning it over to Him was a good step.

My big issue with anything that I need to turn over and let go of is that I don't do it completely. I seem to always rethink and come up with some different slant or angle and then think...hmmmmm...I can handle this thing or that thing again...I just need to do it a little differently. Then ultimately, I am back to where I was when I needed to jam the little scrap of worry or struggle in the crack to begin with, and where does that leave God?

Still there, just looking at me a little more perplexed by my lack of faith and trust. I think He shakes His head and laughs alot at people like me....the ones who say they trust Him, and try and put Him first. The ones who know, know, know that they know....

In the turning over and letting go of things, in the trusting and waiting....well, I kinda suck at that...its HARD.....

I read this today and it kinda helped my perspective a little: "Maybe turning things over is not the solution to everything but, you do what you can. Then you get out of the way, because you're not the one who does the work anyway."

All I have to do is turn it over....and then He does the work? Tonight I'm writing some things on scraps...and turning them over....cuz I am getting weary of trying to do the work. Oh yeah, and I need to find some kind of crevice to jam em in.....

...I can think of a couple of places....but I probably need to write those down too!

SANGUINE

2008-05-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

Today I got my official financial aid confirmation for my spring/summer terms.

For the bargain basement price of $1947.00 I have discovered that I am SANGUINE!

SANGUINE: hopeful, cheerful, buoyant, optimistic and sunny.

I also have a healthy dose of not wanting to be apart of anything that isn't FUN.

Hmmmm...I paid $1947.00 to discover some things that I already know quite clearly about myself. My top four personality traits in the first test:

Interpersonal: values the ability to develop and maintain relationships between people
Trusting: Willing to rely upon and believe in the integrity of others, always assuming a positive outcome. (that's panned out well in recent months...ahaha)
Intuitive: Knowing something without consciously thinking it out, sensing how others feel without being told.(again...ditto)
Emotional: Feeling things deeply!

For the bargain basement price! I could have told anyone these things about myself for free...actually, I am pretty sure I have...especially #2...I'm pretty sure that's code for POLLYANNA! And interpersonal...duh! Intuitive? seriously, this one I always second guess...most recently this cost me much/combined with #2....can be DEVASTATING! (fool)
Emotional, well this one would have been a surprise 6 months ago...but now...not so much.....

I know these things about me...and sometimes I don't love these things. Sometimes I wish for just one moment I could be idk...maybe Phlegmatic: languid, lethargic, listless, indifferent, and passive. I.E. Organized, Planned, detailed....those things seem less......well, just less. Less likely to feel, less likely to be disappointed, less likely to be let down.

They are also less likely to be engaged in the lives of people who matter. Not just people who matter to me...but people who matter to God. While sometimes I don't like these things about me...they are things that make me who I am, and that God can use to help other people (people who matter to HIM) Sometimes I have to remember that what is comfortable to me, what is fun for me, isn't always what He wants from me. Sometimes He wants me to be uncomfortable, to be emotional for and with other people, to believe the best in them, especially when they aren't believing that for themselves. Sometimes He wants me to build or maintain a friendship not because of who the person is, but because of what I sense they are feeling or experiencing.

For the bargain basement price of $1947.00 I am learning to accept how God wired me. Learning to embrace the qualities that I wish were different. And trying not to regret the times I haven't paid attention, or when I have trusted too much....

My friend learned she was an otter or $125.00....and some other disappointing news, (lmao), so currently I'm feeling a little like I should have clipped a coupon...but alas...there are still 6 more surveys to go in my class...who knows what else may be revealed? For that price....I fricken better be the long lost daughter of one of the Kennedy's....

At the rivers edge

2008-05-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

Last night I found myself needing to desperately clear my head....for a number of reasons....mostly the same ones I've been trying to get away from...so ANYWAY....the kids were all ensconced in American Idol, so I hopped on my bike and went for a quick 7 mile ride. And it was quick because I needed to ride fast and peddle hard!

On the trail I started to coast for a bit...and I came on this scene...beside the river. This man and woman were sitting there on a blanket, a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses....and they had their feet in the river....and they were washing each others(feet)...it looked like they were talking softly...they were LOOKING at each other...intentionally....

I don't know these people, but I could tell in my fleeting glimpse into their intimate moment at the rivers edge, that right now, they LOVE each other. The CARE for one another....they ENJOY each others company.....

I spent the next several minutes desperately fighting the desire to go back and intrude on their scene. I wanted to talk to them...to tell them to CHERISH what they have right now...to not let it go...for any reason...to not give up, because it won't always be like this, but to not ever take what they have for granted. I wanted to tell them that the LOVE they have is a gift....and it is fragile and can be fleeting...I wanted to tell them to never STOP looking intentionally into each others eyes....to never STOP talking softly.....

I didn't go back. Instead I just fell back on what I know to be better than any words I might ever say....I prayed. For them, for me, for others like us out there.

The kind of funny thing about it all was...that along with the honest words I wanted to share with them about cherishing what they have....I also wanted to say...."Whoa...dudes...do you realize that you are washing each others feet literally in "Shit Creek?" I mean, its a romantic gesture and all, but seriously....ECOLI!!!

All in all it was a good ride. My head was cleared....my body was sore and exhausted....and I discovered that my heart is only mildly jaded by my own experiences of late....

Thing #5 and the Diagnosis!

2008-05-06T05:48:00.000-07:00

While we wait for the next step in the diagnosis process with Thing #l, it has become everyones favorite pastime to give their advice, tell their own stories of similar issues, ask questions and then proclaim their own diagnosis. I started to think yesterday that maybe I should make up one of those "buy a square" things that everyone does for the Superbowl...you know, a raffle of sorts!

This morning as Thing #5 was sitting at the counter smacking his bagel and slurping down his peach juice, he started to ask some questions about Thing #l. He was totally serious. His brow kind of furrowed as he listened to my responses...nodding his head as he took it all in. This is how it went.

Noah: Is this blood coming from the place it always does?
Me: Ummm...well, its in her poop...people don't usually have blood there.
Noah: Oh, so she doesn't need all those sticks and diapers she always uses?
(In a house of 5 women, Noah thinks Thing #1 is the only one who uses the feminine products, LMBO...and we let him believe it)
Me: Nope.
Noah: (After long pause with more smacking on bagel) Well, she eats a lot of sugar...its probably that. That isn't good for you. She had 5 pieces of birthday cake at the party! (long pause)
Even though shes a "good sized girl", that's still too much sugar.

A good sized girl! He didn't mean that like it sounded, but I laughed really hard. Not that Thing #1 would think that was funny, what 17 year old wants to be called a "good sized girl" LOL! And the funny thing....she thinks she is. She is loving the whole liquid diet for 2 days, if only for its potential to drop 5 lbs.

When she gets up to "go" again in the next five minutes, I'm going to assure her that her 6 year old brother had become a diagnostician and proclaimed that all her issues are due to "too much sugar!" I think I'll leave out the rest of the convo until she's back on solid foods....she's getting a little testy from lack of food.....probably some sugar withdrawals too!

The wait

2008-05-01T20:35:00.000-07:00

....and now we wait. I hate waiting. Who really does like it..seriously...is anyone really productive while they wait? Are we really changed in the process of waiting? What it the real point of waiting? (all rhetorical!)

The only good thing that can come from waiting for me, is that while I wait, I have to find something to get my mind off whatever it is I'm waiting on....and to do that I usually have to find something to laugh about.....and today I learned that I had passed on that absolutely AMAZING gene to my daughter.

While we began our wait, yesterday actually...her sister and friend began to make macabre jokes at her expense while she waited on the couch for the first round of test results. Patronizing her extreme case scenarios about what if its this?....with responses like....I'm sure if it was "that" your stomach would have already imploded and you'd be poopin way more than blood out your "arse!"
(For whatever reason, just saying the word "arse" makes them all laugh, which in turn makes me laugh...so, that's all good)

In the office today at her 8:15 appointment, Sav took great pleasure in taking and sending pictures of me, whilst I SLEPT in the ever so comfortable straight back chair.....she was puzzled by my innate ability to drop off to sleep in such a place...she has yet to learn about the coping mechanism called "escape!" As a mom of five, I learned it early.

After the Dr. came in and had asked all her questions and had moved on to the "exam", which somehow took Sav by surprise....hahahhahahahahah....the doc was puzzled by the strange green hue to the "sample" she had extracted from the "arse"....mother and child exchanged looks and then proceeded to laugh so hard we had trouble articulating to the vegan doc that Sav had helped herself to a serving bowl of BLUE MOON ICE CREAM.....at a friends house the night before...the results of which were in her swab!

Next on the agenda was a trip home with some lab vials...and by some I mean 8! A large sample was necessary....and since the 17 year old has been touting her near adulthood and impending legal rights to make her own choices and decisions as an adult....I, her mother chose to take this opportunity to let her handle things as an independent adult...and by handle I mean...get your own saran wrap and plastic spoon and divvy things up amongst your vials! Again....way too much laughter as she sifted through her specimen....pointing out all the things that she had enjoyed for dinner the night before with glee!

After the exhausting collection process, we both crawled into my bed and proceeded to drop off into deep sleep like a couple of narcoleptics....only to be awakened by our own snoring, numb arms, and drool! And gnawing hunger....it was in fact almost 1 o'clock. Sav was mesmerized by the fact that once I'm awake, I'm a regular mexican jumping bean of energy....quite the contrast to my lethargy in the earlier hours of the day....and I was dragging her along to get moving and out the door...the promise of a trip to Panera and Cold Stone the key motivators!

While having lunch her dad called. Her placating tone spoke volumes to me...and when she hung up, her exasperation turned to howls of laughter as she explained his summation of her current condition. "She needs to lay off the fat free cool whip....(apparently a known cause of internal bleeding.....NOT). She also needs to not exercise so much....a "light" walk is the healthiest thing you can do to stay in shape! Coming from a man who appears to have auditioned for an upcoming roll as the new Pillsbury Doughboy! (her words, not mine)

Even as we wait now for the results from the firmly packed vials....and prepare for more tests next week...she is able to laugh at what is to come....the prospect of "clear" stools....and waking up in a recovery room filled with old men, all flatulating in hopes of early release.....she is certain that she can put them all to shame.....QUITE THE LITTLE LADY I have raised......

For her, I will attempt to wait with grace, not worry. For her I will attempt to wait with patience and not fear. For her and with her I will laugh, as we wait.....together.

...and then this....

2008-04-30T17:06:00.000-07:00

While today began with the best of intentions my goals quickly fell by the wayside with one phone call.

My oldest daughter has had medical issues...things that I thought were pretty normal...kinda blow off stuff...then I took her to the doctor.

Its curious how quickly the atmosphere in a room can change, with no actual words of alarm, but merely by the increased pace of a doctor, a brief exchange of eye contact with a mother....and BAM...you are left sitting there realizing that there could be way more to this thing than meets the eye. In that instant of realization, its funny the things that can cross your mind.....things like....important things....things that earlier today I determined to dwell on...its funny how my list of goals this morning took on a life of their own.

While I had determined to live in today....and not dwell on the past....I found myself living surreally in today, and my mind being flooded with memories of this girl who was sitting on the table with a terrified look in her eyes.

I was desperately wanting to move forward...away from anything that might have even the slightest hint of crisis.

Today my goal was to think about others. Well...that was accomplished. The only person I could think about today was someone else.

I remembered the things that are of real value to me. My children. My friends. The healthy lives that we live without thought or gratitude....I remembered that I need to value these things more....and that I have taken them for granted.

My state of mind has indeed been transformed in this day. The news thus far is promising. Tomorrow we move on to another step in the process. Tomorrow I am hoping to be beyond this little crisis....I am praying that tomorrow will not be as long of a day as today has been....I am praying that I may indeed have been correct, and that all of this is not really a big deal.....but until then....hmmm! Yeah...

Goal for Today

2008-04-30T05:42:00.000-07:00

My goal today is to actually LIVE in it....not DWELL on anything....

My goal today is to actually try and MOVE forward...not look back...

My goal today is to actually THINK about other people....

My goal today is to actually PUT INTO PRACTICE....at least a few things I know are right.

My goal today is to actually not notice the TIMES....and live beyond them....

My goal today is to actually remember WHAT is truly of value....

My goal today is not a list....but a transformed STATE OF MIND.....

......i'm sure i will need to come back to this post periodically throughout my day to remind myself about these goals.....due to a pathetic downward spiral in attention span....(im blaming that on all the weed from back in the day....not my age!) But these are MY goals for today

Fallen Fences

2008-04-29T20:06:00.000-07:00

I read some things today while I was waiting for Olivia to get her braces on...two hours worth of reading, actually, so in fact I read quite a few things...but a couple of things kept coming back to me in the course of the day...and I went back to my book and read and re-read them.

In Grace Eventually, the author points out that "it really is easier to experience spiritual connection when your life is in the process of coming apart. When things break up and fences fall over, desperation and powerlessness slink in, which turns out to be good: humility and sweetness often arrive in your garden not long after. ....there is meaning in pain, it teaches you how to survive with a modicum of grace when you do not get what you want."

How true this is for me. Over the course of my life, it has been during the times when I have been in the "process of coming apart" when I have totally and completely fallen into the arms of the One who created me and there I have experienced His grace....and tenderness, and also a bit of reproof....for my part in whatever the situation of the hour is. Oddly, today I realized that I have not always been particularly quick to find meaning in the pain....and most recently, I have not demonstrated even the slightest amount of grace in not getting what I want most. Recently, I have been far too petulant...not unlike a spoiled child stamping her foot....

Walking along these current "fallen fences" is new to me. And honestly, in the big picture of things...they were not really fences with footings or anything....really just temporary chicken wire stuff...but even when chicken wire folds up on itself, I realized that it is just as necessary to determine why they fell and then determine how to keep desperation at bay, and allow myself to be humble and rely on Him alone for my survival.....(not that any of this is going to kill me, but just healthy survival instead of mere existence)

My prayers recently have been along the lines of, "help me not to feel.....(fill in the blank), or show me how to.....(again, fill in the blank), but today I read this: "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine." The "fallen fences" over the course of my life have always and without fail changed me in ways I couldn't imagine.

Today I started to view them a little differently....a little more like opportunities that I have to connect, find meaning, grace and humility....and maybe in the process become a little less me, and a whole lot more changed to be like HIM!

the small project

2008-04-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

Ths is the fabulous Shabby Chic light fixture that I hung

ALL BY MYSELF!!!

And it works, and no one died in the hanging of it (them).

My mom asked incredulously, "and it

really works...and its SAFE?

She has the gift of encouragement thats for sure!

The hallway is painted....the finished product makes me smile and feel calm, and light and airy....it still needs some stuff on the walls, but for now, this is cozy...and CHANGED.....

BRIGHT SPOTS

2008-04-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

Just a few random bright spots from my day...cuz each day...that's what I'm choosing....the bright spots!

A) Today it did not snow in Michigan as forecasted!
B) Coffee with a friend...complete with BUZZ from her new hard wood floor finish!
C) Finished painting my hallway!
D) Hung two light fixtures ALL BY MYSELF......dropped er down!
E) Discovered that my BFF is a racist...a little disappointed in her....who knew!

E) may need some clarification. My BFF is living far far away from here now, in the dirty south. Apparently in the dirty south they do not have garbage removal like they do here in the wonderful sparkling north. So, today, after what must have been a long day of weeding and "yard waste" clean up, my BFF called to tell me that she paid a man named Victor Gonzales $35 to take away her "yard waste." I waited. Surely, I thought, there was some reason for her to tell me the mans name...if there wasnt a reason, then she would have just said, like non-racist people, I paid a man $35 to take away my "yard waste." But she told me his name...and then I asked, ever so delicately...."Was there some purpose in telling me the garbage mans name, or did you just want me to know that you paid an Hispanic man to take away your "yard waste?" Did a man named Reuben Weinstein come and take away your recycling bin? Realizing the PI of her wording she did what any upright person would do...she laughed.....and she laughed...and then laughed so hard that I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE WAS SAYING...YET AGAIN....and then I laughed at her and with her....she tried to keep talking her way out of her racial faux pas, but with every snort dug herself deeper.....

This night, this snippet of inappropriate laughter and behaviour is exactly why she is my BFF....it is EXACTLY why I miss her so fricken much....this is going on my mental list of things that I can bring up whenever I need to laugh...along with a couple of other things.....

l. Earl
2. The duffel bag
3. Taking a picture of herself in the car
4. Her crack
5. Eric the sheriff
Those are my top five for tonight....randomly chosen bright spots!

....or were they?

2008-04-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

For the last week I've been doing a ton of "yard work." Mostly though, I've just been intending to do yard work, and then conveniently getting sidetracked so as to avoid it. Thursday and Friday though...I actually busted it out. Raking, Grub-exing, weeding, the whole shebang...and now, on Saturday...I still can't seem to lift my shoulders. My fingers are permanently curled as if around a trowel of some sort.....(the perfect pose to still type...how convenient!)

Today I thought I'd change things up a bit...I moved inside To painting!

Love/Hate...that is my relationship with the paint...I love the transformation...I love the calm....HATE THE QUIET....the time that is just there! I turned on the radio. Didn't work. Called the BFF...can't talk and paint at the same time...missed her beyond belief...became horribly depressed...hung up....painted in the quiet some more. Tried to "take every thought captive." Seriously, I know its biblical and all...but HOW...that's what I want to know...HOW, do you keep your mind from wandering....

My mind wanders all over the map....like Forrest Gump on his cross country run! And to keep getting it in check, I had to keep doing other things that distracted me from the quiet....which in turn took me away from the painting...so here it is, 11 pm, and I am not as far along as I had hoped I would be...BECAUSE I HOPED I'D BE DANG DONE! But, like Scarlett O'Hara always says..."tomorrow is another day."

Tomorrow I think I may move back to yard work....more avoidance there....

While sitting here, I just realized that I totally forgot where I was going with this whole thing....it started with the yard work, moved to painting....I think it was about keeping busy and the value of not being idle that I was intending to get to, but suddenly....I'm starting to think that the key to facing things we don't want to face....is not to keep busy, not to sit and dwell, but to just look at them...in their entirety, live the emotions of them, grieve the changes, value the things that still are and just BE in it...live it, in the best way that we can. Eventually whatever it is that is consuming today, will be something to look back on and say.....those were fricken messed up days.....or were they?

GIVE ME WORDS TO SPEAK

2008-04-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

What is it that drives this need to communicate? To speak either with my voice or written word? More importantly, for the last few days I have been pondering....what am I really trying to do...is this need to process things out in words some kind of catharsis...or is there really something of value that is trying to come out? (Rhetorical question)

Anyway...in the process of writing over the past few days, here and other places...I am drawing more and more to the idea that the things I write and say come from two places.

ME....and thats usually stuff that shouldnt pass my lips or fingertips...and certainly not anything anyone else needs to ever read, lest their eyes burn from their sockets or their ears melt from their heads. The me stuff.....well, I'm working on weeding that out.....because what I am trying to make more room for, I realized in a great song:

Callosued and bruised
Dazed and confused
My spirit is left wanting something more
In my selfish hopes
In my selfish dreams
I'm lying with my face down on the floor
Crying out for something more
Give me words to speak
Let my spirit sleep
Cuz I can't think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe you my life
Give me words to speak
Don't let my spirit sleep
Every night
Every day
I find that I have nothing I can say
So I stand here in silence
Awaiting your guidance
I'm wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your words
Give me words to speak
(aaron shust)

That is what I want. To write or speak with my voice, and my wiring, but not out of my ken....but His...

So, I am spending more time sitting here in silence...waiting...not for whats in the forefront of my mind...but what is really in there...needing to come out....well, maybe needing is strong language...but you know...waiting...

2008-04-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

So, more from the bike path....I seriously think I'm on to something here. First, I absolutely love to bike ride. Secondly, while I have been biking to distract myself and keep myself busy....I think He is using it to make me quiet and still...and able to hear Him and actually listen.

Of course, I'm not totally sure of that yet...but tonight...as I was biking along....my mind started to wander a bit, ( no surprise there), and I realized a few things. Of course no surprise, I totally already knew that I have been doing anything and everything I can to keep myself busy. Too busy to think about things I dont want to think about. You know, stuff that was, stuff that isnt anymore, stuff that isnt gonna be...those kinds of things. Stuff and things that can consume me, and take over....and make me incredibly......despondent....stuff that is sucking the life from me....

In keeping totally busy and distracted so I dont think about "stuff", I also am so busy and noisy in my head that I also kinda block out what He wants to say....other "stuff" that is way more important....

On the bike ride tonight I started to hear His voice...while the wind was whistling through my hair and ears...with the whir of the bike tires on the pavement...His voice reminding me that I am wholly His...and that He is still as amazing as ever....still in control, still right beside me..even on the downside of St. Roberts Hill!

And then, on Terrace Hill...going up...(huffin it BIG ASS TIME), I had this huge epiphany....as I was trying to make it at least a few feet further than the last time, and I did...3 more sidewalk spaces, that each day on this journey back from what was...that I am a little closer....each day, I am a few less "distractions" away from not needing to fill up my day....each day....

So I will keep on biking. Keep on trying to make it a few squares closer to the top of the hill....but more importantly...biking is keeping me quiet long enough to hear the One I need to listen too...and I am pretty sure bringing me a few squares closer to Him!

The Bike Ride

2008-04-23T08:01:00.000-07:00

Last night I went on a six mile bike ride with a handful of my offspring. It was a beautiful evening on the trail....we rode hard and fast, the wind whipping our hair...the crisp smell of spring in the air. The somewhat undefinable scent of the Flint River wafting into our noses! Okay, so that part was nasty...but the rest was total fun!

And then morning dawned!

This morning I made a list of some things that would be wonderful gifts for mothers day.

l. Sunglasses
2. Bike seat that is not akin to a "toy" from Priscilla's.....with teeth!
3. An Asian eunuch to massage my calves and knees.
4. Glucosamine injections
5. Headsets that will put me on "com" like Jack Bauer and Chloe, so I can hear what my spawn are talking about from 1/2 mile up the trail.
6. I forgot about Jack.....I forgot how much I love Jack. I want HIM with a big bow!
7. A chain pulley system like at the car wash for the last 100 feet of Terrace Hill! (I was in my glory there, let me tell you)

All in all...I totally dig the whole biking thing. So does everyone else. We just have a few kinks to work out....and then....who knows....we might strike out across America....

Actually, we do have our eye on this really cool old railroad trial in WV....38 miles of sheer bliss....as long as I get a different seat!

Pollyanna

2008-04-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

I don't do change well.

I seem like I do, but in reality, in my mind, and even my heart...I don't.

I wish I did.

I think I am the kind of person who can fake change well...you know, roll with the punches, put your best foot forward, look at the upsides. Pollyanna.

At some point in the faking it process though, I slowly begin to accept it. Changes. I'm not there yet.....I am still in denial that my BFF is living in another state and not around the corner.

I still hope she and others who have gone before her will return.

Back to accepting it. I'm in the bartering phase now....I think with God. The phase where I find myself asking Him...Please, let there be another way. Let this thing or that thing, or this or that person....you get what I'm saying.....

I have a friend who spoke/lead/taught/blabbered for the last time this week in the venue I have listened to him in for the last 7-8 years. I know that I will still hear him speak/teach and blabber again....but....still...I don't like the change.

My daughter is graduating. She visited her college last week. She is getting excited to leave the nest. I am too.

Kind of. I want her to leave, but I so DO NOT want her to go. I want to go back a few years, to relive some of them...to hold her, and all of my kids a little more closely. I love to watch them change...but then, I don't like the change.

With all of these changes....I am faking the upside, for myself and them. There are better things ahead. You have no idea what He has in store for you, you will make new friends, new places are filled with new and exciting opportunities...

Sometimes, when it gets quiet here....the realities of the changes settle around me like a damp overcoat....I've never been much of a coat wearer....

I keep throwing it off....and keep looking for the things to be "Glad" about.

Pollyana had to fall out of the tree before she realized fully the "Gladness" of change....I think I'll opt for a great workout and call it even.

...and so it goes

2008-04-19T20:01:00.000-07:00

So, the dog had a false pregnancy...and she seriously had us all fooled.
Per Olivia's running obstetrical evaluations: Her nipples were purple and sagging
She was producing milk
Her "cooch" was black and swollen
She's "dripping" something
She was panting and pacing for hours.
And then....nothing...its 3 days past the last possible delivery date...and shes back to normal.
All her parts have returned to their original colors and elasticities....(lucky for all)

Some people here are feeling a little bereft...thoroughly disappointed that there was no ghoulish delivery to watch...and no precious pups to love on for a few weeks....

Some people here think God is always good. Some people here are glad that sometimes He says NO. Some people didn't even have to pray for this....He just knew what she needed...He has answered her prayers on more than one occasion and they ended with dogs on shovels! (and horses in dump trucks)

....and so it goes....

While some are praying and yes hoping for one thing or another...others often see things from a different perspective. Isn't that the case in many things on this journey? What has my mind tonight...actually its been longer than that...its just coming out tonight...is that we often have our own plans. Plans A., B. C. D. Whatever. But our plans include what we know, what we see, what we want (usually), but they are limited plans. They are limited by our own vision. Which can also be blurry for any number of reasons. So, while yes, we all have our own plans....the thing is, the thing I keep coming back too....He has a better one....so while I, like many others tonight, are praying for one thing or another.....He is waiting for me to ask for His plan...to want His plan...to unfold and reveal His plan....

There are a number of things I wish were happening differently, not just for me...but for lots of the people in my world.....tonight I am here asking for His plan to unfold...even when I don't like watching things change in the unfolding!

TODAY...

2008-04-19T12:27:00.000-07:00

This is what I know TODAY...or at least what I think I know...actually, this is what I'm thinking about and really, really trying to know....TODAY.

TODAY is a gift. I need to treat it as such and enjoy just being in IT...TODAY, I don't need to worry about TOMORROW. (Actually, I shouldn't "worry" at all, but...for now its about TODAY!) TODAY, I need to get a few things done, and enjoy the people around me. TODAY, I need to stop rehashing old coversations and STOP being distracted by the voices in my head. (not "voices," voices, ...just you know..voices) TODAY I need to pray for my friend....actually...maybe a couple of them....TODAY I need to stop staring at the closed door....and wait (PATIENTLY). TODAY I need to not try and "jimmy" the lock on the door...to see if it will open a crack. TODAY I need to stop thinking so much and just BREATH...and live....TODAY.

Mixed bag

2008-04-17T23:04:00.001-07:00

well, tonight was certainly a mixed bag of thoughts, experiences and conversations!
First of all, it was my last day of class..I had my last final exams for the semester....(i believe I am getting A's in all of my classes except math) but honestly, I am totally fine with that!

The ongoing saga of Heidi and her puppies continues...as of 2am...nothing to report aside from purple milk sagging nipples and a purple " cooch" (per olivia)!

Lisa and the girls came for dinner...grilled burgers on the deck...(I got out the furniture yesterday and cleaned it). What a fun night.......

....an unexpected call/convo.....

and then the crowning jewel...words for life from DAN!

WORD l. Wake up
2. Get up
3. Check computer, myspace, sn, facebook, (blog) he added this for me@\
4. Check the clock
5. Check the phone
6. Check my schedule
7. Go forward from the gut cuz its all about ME!

i refocus for the future cuz its all about me!
Take the necessary steps...cuz its all about me?
What i'm doin for my future
how i refocus for my future
i do it cuz it's all about ME!

DISCLAIMER: these are the words of wisdom from a 19 yar old man/boy/idk....in any event I dont agree with them all..but some of them...well, for now, they kinda seem to work for me...I
am all about just gettin through it, ya know...and right now, its kinda all about me...( and GRADZILLA of course)!

What I was hoping Dan the wordsmith could cast some light on, as long as he was taking up space at my counter and eating me out of house and home...was this .....

Why? How? For what reason? Could I have changed it?....the questions that only another "guy"could answer....and honestly....DAN YOUR ANSWERES SUCKED!!

REFOCUS? are you fricken serious....I have total focus...I know what I want...i know how He has wired me....I know how He can use me.....

.....It's my darned impatience that's the monkey wrench....big surprise there huh? Imagine ME, being impatient!

INDULGENCES

2008-04-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

JUST A FEW SMALL INDULGENCES TO APPEASE THE

BEASTS WHO ARE RAGING

HERE ON SUNRISE DRIVE TONIGHT!

ROAST

2008-04-15T18:00:00.000-07:00

Curiously, my mother somehow believes that when you buy, repackage, and freeze meat, that along with an annotation as to what is in the white paper, ie, CHUCK ROAST, it is also imperitive to delineate the meat with and adjective. Hence, GOOD! I am left to ponder, would she ever buy a roast that isn't good? And if she did, would she be so bold as to set it apart in her freezer with a different adjective.....like maybe MEDIOCRE? Or just plain NASTY ASS CHUCK ROAST?

Maybe its just me, but if I am going to the store and paying for a roast, its pretty much always gonna be a good one. At least raw...(I have been known to turn a perfectly wonderful piece of beef into rawhide with little or no effort!) But in the buying stage...I'm all about getting a good piece of meat.

So, I asked my mom, "Mom, " I said, "You have written on this roast "GOOD," why would you need to write that? Don't you always buy good meat?" To which she responded: "Well, no honey, not always, this is a roast I would buy and serve to guests, but I buy "piecey" meat alot for your dad and I. Your dad really doesn't even notice."

For some inexplicable reason that makes me laugh. Not just a little bit, but HARD!

My poor dad is sitting over in Lapeer, eating "piecey" meat, aka: SHITTY ASS FATTY TOUGH ROASTS, while I am over here in Flushing feeding my kids (who are not company) GOOD CHUCK ROAST!

The funnier thing about that is, my kids came in and smelled the roast cooking and asked if I was serving POOP! Yes darlings, but take heart, its GOOD POOP!

Next time I make it, I think I'll invite my dad over for dinner.....he's company here!

...About that

2008-04-14T19:35:00.000-07:00

About the whole bursting into tears thing from my last post...yeah...seriously..what is up with that. I have been mulling this over for the past few days for a myriad of reasons. Which include, but are not limited too the fact that only a day or two later I was accused of being "tough and hard," by someone who thought I needed to be crying!

Honestly...in recent weeks I have begun to look a little deeper into what makes me tick, why, and how that all comes together for me. I don't really know for sure if this is even a worthwhile endeavor or if I'm being incredibly self-absorbed, but right now, it seems like a healthy inventory to be taking. The whole, "whats on the inside eventually shows on the outside" idea is freakin me out a little, so hence...the looking in!

Back to the "crying"....which seems to be some kind of gauge for internal health...(per my sister). I have realized that in situations that overwhelm lots of people, big stuff...earthshaking life events...I'm way more pragmatic...I can see a bigger picture beyond what is immediatly shaking the foundations of life...hence, my lack of tears during my divorce!

But, let me look on and see or watch or hear people whom I love experience those lifeshaking events...well, for them my heart breaks and I weep. I am moved to tears when I love deeply and relationally....and I am totally ok with that.

I don't need to freak out and cry when other people think I should....and yeah, I can be a little bit hard, but not "hardened." There is a huge difference. The other thing about crying that I really want to tell the "emotion" judger from the other night....I look like hell when I cry, I don't like to cry...it exhausts me, it is not fun on any level.....unless it is the kind of crying that happens with a few "close" friends that includes deep inner purging mingled with laughter at the whole drama of it.....

....PS: I do recognize that the whole reason I am compelled to write about this has much to do with the "judgers" comment...but I'm seeing that as a good thing that spurred me to evaluate some stuff, and gain perspective.....

JUST PAINT

2008-04-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

Things were going along just fine...
There I was on the treadmill...2/2..
...and then I noticed the paint!
Blueish paint on my workout pants.
Not from my house...

And then it hit me again..
When I least expected it..
In the place where I can usually forget about that
....and right there on the damn treadmill I burst into fricken tears!

What has happened to me?
Where is the me I used to be and know?
This is not who I am.

Its just paint.
From a weekend I just wish I could forget...
along with everything else I wish I could block out!
....and that isnt even the truth...what I really wish...
well, thats not gonna happen...so instead...

I did what normal women do when they are running from emotions
I went shopping for new workout clothes
Really, I needed them, putting in at least 5 nights a week now!
....the upside of heartbreak...

Oh yeah...I got a bookcase too! ahahahhahahahahhaha
...now that I'm off the hook with Target! ahahhahahahhahhahah

....more ?'s

2008-04-11T05:42:00.000-07:00

This could go one of two ways today. There is a list brewing in my head, a list of life questions, heart questions, a few random queries. OR, I could begin to unpack some stuff that I read last night...some stuff that will require me to face some unpacking and then repacking but differently.

I'm not sure I am ready to unpack, and repack....I think I am going to sidestep that a little longer...actually, not sidestep, but really prepare myself to face some harsh reality....its too yucky out today to do that I think...it might be scary today, if, as Ann Lamott says, "all of my fears and uncertainties pull up chairs beside me and try and sit quietly in a semicircle around my computer...breathing and leering...and waiting..."

So then my list:

A. Am I honestly pursuing the right career path...some kind of education? Elementary or secondary?

B. What kind of jobs are there for "communication" majors? Two people told me that the possibilities are endless...which sounds too utopian to me.

C. Why can't life turn out the way I think it should? Why can't everyone just be happy?

D. Where is that country that wants happiness as part of its constitution?

E. Why do my kids always need to "poop" the minute I get in the tub? And why don't they use one of the other 2 bathrooms?

F. Why do I still long to talk to "he who must not be named?" Why do I fight to not text or e-mail him?

G. Why does Target have to have a computer F*** up the day my mom is here, and call my house and say that my account is delinquent? Three days after they posted my HUGE ASS payment?

H. Why does my ex have a housekeeper? Seriously...why does one person need a housekeeper? There is no one else living there but him...and his creepy dog? How dirty can that place get?

I. What makes some people bitter and hard? Why don't they see and hear?

J. Why is it still fun to drink a beer and talk to my friend online, even if shes not here....and how is it that we can laugh so hard when life seems so messed up?

In reality, I don't think there are answers to any of these questions...which makes them all the harder to feel like asking...I'm going to start carrying a notepad with me, and begin jotting down all the questions that I have as they arise in the course of my days....

....and another list of all the answers I have for other peoples questions, ahhahahha, I just realized that I usually think I have those!

2008-04-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

My friend seems to hear from God while she works out...like alot, God speaks to her heart in the middle of a work out.

I've been working out a ton recently...you know, because if the inside is messed up, you might as well work on the outside idea?

Anyway....I don't hear from God while I'm working out...possibly because it would be impossible to hear him above the pounding of my heart and the wheezing and puffing as I struggle to suck in air....and the whir of the O2 tank as I suck in blessed
relief once the EMT's arrive.(whoops, I digress)

...But after I'm done...and this has happened alot recently, I have been struck with some truth....tonight is was this:

Recently I have felt like a complete hypocrite, because while I tell other people that God has to be enough, I am struggling to believe it myself. But....

God says He is enough...I know that is the truth...
He never says that we will feel like He is enough, or that we will always feel it..
It is just a promise...whether I feel it or not, whether any of us feel it or not...it is the truth.

It also did not escape my understanding that this is a recurring theme for me..the whole "I am enough thing"...some people catch on slowly, others right away...for me, I think this is an ongoing reminder....because I am realizing more and more, that when I start to let myself drift away from this promise, this reminder...I am often tempted to put other things in front of the One who is enough!

We are the Same

2008-04-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

What I see and what I hear…
Even with my eyes closed…I understand

That we are the same

She may be Asian
I may be white
He is 20 something
I am….forty….ish!

The other is angry
She is hurting
I have found healing

But we are the same

The emotions they express…
Are the core of who I am, of the things I feel…
We are so different…and we are the same

His words of love, crafted so humorously, yet deep from his soul
So perfectly express mine
The hurt that she feels for selling herself out
The emptiness that she speaks of, being used in search of love
….long ago, I was that girl.

They have attitude and moxi
They will not allow themselves to be lumped into a “box”
Packaged nicely by others misperceptions
They are strong women, standing and speaking for themselves
I see them and realize I have tempered my speech and measured my words

For far too long….

I listen to them all and I see and understand
And embrace
that while we appear to be so different...
We are the same.

....PIZZA ORDERED

2008-04-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Curiously, it seems that I can rationalize and evaluate and process events until I'm exhausted from the sheer exertion of it...people can give input, advice and guidance, and say any number of very insightful things.....and in the end, it is usually just a few innocuous words, said with no intent to persuade or redirect my thoughts....that have the ability to peel away the scales and give me clear vision....

And with clearer vision, I can even look back and see what I couldn't before...clearer vision to see precise moments when I chose to leave the path that was laid out before me....and to recognize that in those moments I was walking away from the One who created me for a specific purpose....indeed I was walking away from Him.

Tonight I am at peace in knowing that I did not take a permanent detour down that wrong path!

....pizza ordered.....seriously.....WRONG GIRL!

Just Around the Corner

2008-04-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

Things are definitely looking up!

The final research paper presentation is behind me...of course I presented with 2 totally DIFFERENT shoes! Due to the fact that I had to ferret them out of a pile in Fionas room in the pitch dark of morning!

I got my Civil Rights paper back...the one I wrote but don't really remember writing...BEST GRADE EVER!

100% on the multicultural speech/interview...which was entirely fabricated and done with NO preparation, pulled entirely out of my rectum...The profs comments: Another amazing speech, thank you!

Fionas mole is just blue...not cancerous! (Just as I, the un-dr. suspected)

The first crocuses are peeking through.

And best of all, my most current "match" is from the CIRCUS!! I'm kinda wondering what it is about my bio that would find me compatible on 29 different levels with a circus tumbler....but as long as thats the route things are going, I'm commited to waiting for the midget!

Yup...brighter days are just around the corner....

....so why exactly am I still feelin' lost?

Gentle and Bold

2008-04-01T19:47:00.000-07:00

"Burdens are the foundations of ease and bitter things the forerunners of pleasure.”

While doing some reading tonight this jumped out at me....a small promise of hope, for
me and for those I love...and a gentle reminder again....

and then I read this:

“Be occupied, then, with what you really value and let the thief take something else.”

Huge truth and bold reminders....

ON THE PLUS SIDE

2008-04-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

...Kinda feeling like a lot of people in my life are being bashed against the same rocks at the bottom of the waterfall lately. I wonder why that is? Is life just about cycles and this is currently a really shitty one...seriously....the water keeps getting deeper, and by now I thought for sure it would be calming and becoming a little less swift.

In the midst of the quagmire we are all finding ourselves in...there have been moments when we have reached out to each other...to try and encourage or whatever....and even that seems dismal...which in turn really makes me laugh. Here are some of the backhanded, mixed up words of encouragement that have been exchanged in my world today:

l. Here's what I know today...we are in the middle of the SHIT DESERT....eventually we will pass through it...All of us! (Where exactly on the map I wonder is the shit desert? Is it by Arizona?)
2. Question:Tell me again, why are we not calling or texting? Answer: Because it makes us look pathetic.
Response: And your point? ahhahahahahhah
3. I want to live my best life now! Here, let me look up Joel Olsteens number for you! ahahhahahahahahahh

I know that God never promised that life would be easy, or even always good....but seriously...this is getting OLD!

On the plus side...I am up to running l walking 2 for 20 minutes....20 power minutes and almost 6 miles on the bike and I did 4 laps before I stroked out in the pool tonight! (no pun intended)

....Binge and Hide! The tale of 2 siblings

2008-03-31T21:04:00.000-07:00

The night before Savannah left for Florida she snuffled her way through all of this!!!

...Which might expain Noahs need to feel like he had to HIDE this!

...its all about the 2nd question

2008-03-31T19:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight another question brews in my mind. Some two weeks ago, I prayed for clear direction...clear vision...doors to be closed that should be, opened where they should be....and today I prayed much the same prayer.

Something happened on both occasions. But each time I am left with the certainty that the clarity in my heart is somehow the right door. I have firm belief that what I feel in my heart, and also know in my head are true....the conundrum is...there is someone else whose heart and mind are confused, or at the very least unclear. At one point tonight...I clearly saw an entire future.....

So my question is, what is that about? Is it just my mind and heart seeing something I long to be a reality, or is it actually my mind and heart knowing and someone else is just not getting it? I know I never want to force or coerce someone else into something God is not leading in...but seriously....does He ever lead two people in opposite directions? That doesnt seem like the God of no confusion....Why am I not confused? Why can't I be as certain as the other person that this is the right course....it would be so much easier if I felt like we were on the same page..

This is exactly the time I wish God used e-mail or at the very least some kind of blog comment to let me know how to feel, how to react, what to hope for and believe and trust in....besides Him...that is the one thing He has been clear on...He has to be enough for me....

He already knows this, so I'm putting it in print just for the sheer principle of being honest....I want Him and the real life person....2nd question. Is that wrong?

...the syndrome

2008-03-30T20:16:00.000-07:00

....I have a phrase that I use often...I use it when referring to the kind of situation where you say something absolute and sometimes judgemental or even pious. I use it in recognition of the piety and judgemental attitude; the things I dislike so much about myself....and I am usually laughing...because I know there is truth in the phrase...or actually the "syndrome" to which I refer. I call it "Cathy Burpee Syndrome." When I was much younger, early in my catty high school years I mused out loud about a girl with facial hair...something like: "What kind of girl has hair on their face?"

Guess whos waxing and shaving now?

....thats what the phrase refers to....saying things as if they would never happen to me...and then..BLAMO...I suddenly find myself in the same circumstance which I judged or looked onto with disdain.

Knowing about the syndrome has helped, I admit, to curb some of my judgement and piety...I have lived in the aftermath of it often enough to know its cursing powers...two horrific areas...the scales...yes, I looked on at someone else and mused.."how does someone ever get to that weight?" I can tell you now firsthand...one bite at a time! The second area: finances. again, someone was talking about their consumer debt..again I mused: "how does that happen?" One can of paint and a "darling" little lamp at a time!

My point it all of this is that tonight I realized that there is possibly an upside to"CBS". It is the honesty in the aftermath of whatever life circumstance or experience has befallen me at a given time. Sometimes there is an opportunity to share what I have learned from my round with the syndrome, with someone else...and pass on some words of encouragement, to offer strength, and a little hope to another who is suffering from the syndrome as well....this weekend has opened my eyes to that. Sharing the reprucussions of my experience has given me a clearer picture of how God intended us to live in community with each other...He intended us to bear one anothers burdens, share the load...be transparent, honest....He did not intend for us to judge or presume things about other people....and although I don't believe He orchestrates "CBS", I do think He has a little chuckle when our choices throw us into it. I also think He is amazingly generous when He offers us opportunities to show His grace to others while we eat our Cathy Burpee crow....

LOVE AND HOPE

2008-03-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

Upon waking this morning...actually a few minutes after waking up, I realized something huge. I feel like me again....and since realizing this I have been trying to pinpoint how and what exact emotion or attitude or feeling is attached to me.

I think it is a combination of things...attitude and emotion. I have HOPE. Not delusional hope, just a sense that life is continuing on...that I truly am still me....I didn't lose any of the things that help me understand who I am...things like trust in people, belief in the good, desire to make a difference, the ability to laugh and find joy even when things are not really funny. HOPE has crept back in....actually it probably never left, I just didn't see it or feel it for a while.

Today I have to write a paper about my goals for the next 10 years and then speculate as to where I see myself in 10 years. Honestly I am struggling to picture 10 years from now....I have learned over time that life does not often unfold in any ways that we expect. I absolutely LOVE that aspect of life...it isnt easy to embrace, but looking back at life, it has been diverse and rich....filled with people and situations that I never would have planned or orchestrated. I LOVE how those things have shaped who I am, and that my perspective has not been jaded by them....

My original thought about my paper was "What size font would I need to use to make "alone and bitter" fit on three pages..ahahhahahahhahahhhahah.....the fact that the very thought of writing those words made me laugh really hard, cemented in my mind that I will never be those things.
I have no clear idea of where I will be in 10 years....and honestly I'm not sure that I want to know...what I do know about 10 years from now...I will still LOVE life and I will still have HOPE!

Good, Bad and Ugly

2008-03-25T17:28:00.000-07:00

The BAD part, well leaving was incredibly difficult....but looking back on it, there were clear blessings in the whole weekend.

The GOOD part was over 26 awesome hours in the car with 5 kids...and I am being serious. The kids loved the ride...we laughed, sang, slept, played cows in the porn shop (ahahhaha), listened to ww4=THE HUSK FM... ate way too much junk. It was good time together...and we would all do that part again...not next week, but again!

The UGLY part? Driving down Mckinley Rd. past the entrance to Somerset and having Fiona point out that "wow, its kinda funny that we just drove 13 hours from seeing Krista and we used to be able to turn right there."

BALM

2008-03-23T17:55:00.000-07:00

I want to stay here...for now...there are no clear answers here, but being close to my friend, and being able to laugh at myself, or be laughed at...or to laugh at her...well..honestly that is a balm to my soul!

Laughing and eating ourselves into a comatose state...seriously, I took a killer nap today...I am thinking those aren't really healthy places to be, or healthy therapies...

Speaking of unhealthy...I feel like I have a sore throat coming on...Krista where is the cough medicine?

The waterfall

2008-03-21T19:59:00.000-07:00

So, running brought me to today...this gorgeous, high 60's day with my friend, my kids....and still the reason for running clouding my thoughts!

We went on this awesome walk to a waterfall, and while watching the water rage over I felt so much like that is what my life has been for the last week....just a boiling turmoil of things crashing down and flowing out of my control...farther down the falls, the water calms a bit. Thats the place I want to be...in the calmer waters....or at the very least the bubbling brook of happier times.

Don't get me wrong...today did have some of those moments..captured and pictured above:
-watching the kids gather rocks and shells and playing by the stream (sans the overprotective old guy)
-comtemplating just diving in and ending it all (just a joke)
-waiting and counting the times my friend laughed while her crack hung out, knowing from the first exposure that it would require a picture!
-EARL
-laying amongst the daffidils, laughing soooo hard at Greg's quizzical expression

So, in the aftermath of the day, I am still feeling like I am in the waterfall...just not alone there...which holds its own saddness....I am determined not to let the river take me under...and hopeful that when I am able to stand in it again, that I will be in a place more amazing than the one I have been imagining and dreaming about.....hopefully!

Running away

2008-03-19T19:24:00.000-07:00

I am not trying to do anything illegal here...I seriously just want to run away. The plans are all made. I am running to arkansas with the kids. It's a good plan. I know I can't go forever. I know that running there will not change the things I am running from. I know that we have to return. But still...we are going.

Despite: expired drivers license which I renewed but the new sticker has not arrived, thereby making renting a car impossible.

Despite: Having to veer from the plan of leaving directly after my speech, and now I will go directly to the Secretary of States Office to get said sticker and then go and rent the car, which would already be packed.( I will not be bitter)

Despite: Not having enough car adapters for all the portable DVD players...when I was a kid we counted cows! And played license plate bingo.

Despite: The house not being clean, and the laundry not done.

Despite: Knowing that there are flash floods and my kids and I may be swept over a bridge into raging river waters, making it necessary for us to climb onto the top of the rental van, (which we don't have yet) and being airlifted to safety by coast guard helicopters! (This bit of worrisome thought came from my parents, who cannot for the life of them understand why I would want to undertake this journey)

What I am trying to do is be with my friend. To be able to sit and talk with her, cry with her, laugh with her, and in some way "find our place" with all that is seemingly tumultous in our lives!

.....then maybe she and I will run away together...just like mary anne and wanda...

you know they were the best of friends? Or is it thelma and louise?

Small Gifts

2008-03-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today was speckled with small gifts. It was my birthday...there was no festive celebration like in many years past (my choice). I didn't feel much like celebrating....my goal was just to get through the day....and now I have.

But looking back on it, I see that my day was filled with an abundance of small gifts. And exactly the things I needed to point me to better tomorrows.

Gift #l--my math professor gave us an extra day to do our homework!! (which still may not be enough for me)
Gift #2--The kids bought chinese for dinner.

Gift #3--A friend brought me roses(tangerine, with a stolen stem of babies breath and one ugly weed)!

Gift #4--I realized that the friend actually deserves the roses for listening to me cry for the last week....ahhahahahhah

Gift #5--Noah gave me a bunny for my birthday...and then wanted to pray. This is what he prayed: Dear God........(the usual God bless everyone stuff), and then help us to remember that the easter bunny isnt all about easter...its You filling all our hearts!

Gift #6--Laughing in a hot tub.

Gift #7--Good words from two dear friends who write in this place..their own views and perceptions of life have helped me to see today and the days ahead differently.

Gift #8--The realization that while it seems that my life will be empty forever....it is full, filled to overflowing with people that I love, and who love me, whose words, either in person, or written, or by phone, remind me that there is life beyond this empty place.

In many ways this has been a great day. Not littered with material gifts which will not last, but with small gifts of moments that will last forever in my heart.

A NEW DAY HAS DAWNED

2008-03-14T05:32:00.000-07:00

This morning, after a long night of very little sleep, I dragged my phass to the Y.

AT 5 AM!!!!

I did my usual bike....stepping it up to burn 100 in 10 minutes....for a total of 300!

Then...and this is the biggy....I RAN on the treadmill. I have been wanting too for a long time, but the vanity of how that would look to others kept me from doing it...also the thought of how MORTIFIED I would be if I clumsily fell off....which was a definite possibility! I ran 5 out of 20 minutes. Not consecutively...tomorrow I am shooting for 6.

I need a goal...or a dream or an aspiration...something to work toward (as if getting five kids raised and out of the house isnt enough of a goal...or finishing college!) DIL.

I need something that is purely for me, that I want to do, or have wanted to do....and you know, the thing that keeps coming back around in my head..that I wanted to do when I was 18, and then again after I had savannah, and a few years after that....well...thats what I'm shooting for....

I'm not speaking it outloud. Sometimes when I speak my dreams outloud they seem to vanish or get lost in the chatter of them....I don't want that to happen this time! For now, I am biking and running at the Y....staying busy and focused....trying to fill up this somewhat empty new day with anything that keeps me from thinking about other things!

Life

2008-03-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have learned alot about life lately. The thing that has struck the deepest chord in my soul is that Life is fragile, and it is short. We have limited time to be here in this place. We should never ever settle for existing. Not in our relationships, friendships, jobs......existence I have learned is not Life.

God in his loving care....offers us Life...in abundance...that is the Life that I want. Abundant Life with the people I love most, and hold most dear to my heart....

Life is also fickle...because more often than not, circumstances change, without any warning and Life changes, and the ones dearest to you are no longer there, either in proximity or as a part of your day from a distance. This is the saddest thing of all to me about Life. It is at these times when I often wish that I didnt care about the things that are most important in this Life...the people that make it complete.

But I do. And so tonight I weep for them. For their absence from my life, for the impact they have made on it, and for how we journey now.....still looking and longing for abundance....and finding it a little less attainable.

ENERGETIC AND BLAZING

2008-03-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

Curiously, I am drawn to wonder about the order in which things happen or present themselves in my life. Just two short days ago, I was in a place reading these next words, and on that day, while they jumped out at me....they didnt jump nearly as much as they do today.

Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel
like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now......let yourselves be
pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with
holiness.

I don't feel very much like my life is currently energetic and it certainly does not feel like it is blazing with holiness. Also, while I am not really in the old grooves of evil, it does feel like I am often questioning the after effects of those grooves. I desperately want God to "work all things together for good...", and if possible to use me and the mistakes of my past to reach out to someone in my present. But more often lately, I am finding myself wishing I had known better then.....and then I realize that even if I had, I would have probably still fallen into the same grooves.

Those grooves seem to be part of my journey. I am becoming increasingly aware that we all have our own grooves that we are drawn too. Maybe we don't fall into them, but we sometimes teeter at the very edge and sometimes gaze somewhat longingly at the view. It is that notion that caused this to jump off of the page at me.

Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It
cost God plenty to get you out of the dead-end, empty-headed life you grew
up in. He paid with Christ's sacred blood, you know!

If I continue to gaze longingly at the view, how can I ever look longingly into the face of God. The price he paid for my empty-headed viewing was far too great for me too continue to teeter any longer.

2008-03-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

These five "things" are right up at the top of my list.

Thing 1 is going to be graduating soon...I will miss her desperately.

Thing 2 is taking a lifeguarding class...she is determined and headstrong...and I sometimes envy her fierce determination.

Thing 3 is a freak of nature. I have no idea how she came from either of her parents. She could manage a small nation and still have fun.

Thing 4 is a force to be reckoned with on the basketball court...again...I wonder how that came to be...but I am am so proud of her.

Thing 5 desperately wants a boy/man to live with us. Mostly to side with him against ... "THE SISTERS." If that didn't break my heart, I would laugh at his label for them.

THINGS I REALLY DONT WANT TO BE WRITING ABOUT....

2008-03-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

I have been sitting here at the computer for at least four hours now....in a row...not including the time that I was here earlier today! I am currently trying to be pro-active and get some of my homework done before 4 am the night before its due later this week! ahhahahahhahahah

I AM THE QUEEN OF ALL PROCRASTINATION!

Currently, I am wearing my crown proudly.

Currently, I am kind of wishing that the only things I had to write about were my own thoughts and musings. But alas, English 112 beckons, and I must formulate opinions and essays about readings that I have absolutely no interest in. Case in point: Do you think reality TV writes itself? Case two: Ipods and Missing Manners--actually I do have an opinion on that one, but honestly it doesnt really matter in the grand scheme of things.

So, while I am formulating thoughtful opinons about things I don't really even think about, I am left to wonder, what do I really care about? What are the things that are important to me? My gut instinct answer to both of those questions is: That the things that immediatly jump to my mind I am sure I am not prepared to commit to in print! How's that for honest? For now, I will retreat to english 112 and forego any original ideas of my own....but they are in there...brewing and waiting to come out...

...maybe I just need the perfect photo to pair them with....

Embracing the roller coaster

2008-03-06T13:08:00.001-08:00

...I've been feeling a little ornery today...and last night....and actually yesterday..ahahhahah! Last night I actually found myself thinking "I have turned into my DAD!" (unfortunately not the good parts of him, but the ones that chaffe me the wrong ways).

Then someone told me to visit an old friend. I didn't want to do that.

And then I realized...I really did need that visit. I have neglected this friend for far too long....so I came home suited up and went to the Y! Then I came home and cleaned a little, did some laundry, balanced the checkbook...you know just the mundane things of life.

But I feel BETTER.

During all of this I realized the wisdom of anothers words....."Embrace the roller coaster." It is ok to be peevish sometimes. Its ok to feel overwhelmed. It is ok to want to be somewhere else. But at the end of the day, when I assess everything that has transpired in the course of my day, there is peace and contentment.....I am still certain of Who is guiding my time and course, and that He still has a plan and a purpose for me. And the positives in that far outweigh the peeves of my day.